Monday, August 30, 2010

let's just grab some 2 dollar panties and get out of here

i have been totally remiss in my duties since i left on vacation two weeks ago.

i apologize.

there have just been so many hijinks that i haven't had the ..... collected sanity to write.  i've felt like a laughing eyes-glazed porcelain wombat. just sitting there, a little furry lump in the throws of hysterics.

take Friday night for example.

we decided to travel back to Georgia in two days instead of attempting the 9 hour drive during the night like we did when we drove up. we figured we'd drive halfway, stop for the night, then finish up the drive on saturday.

it went..... well, it went.

infants are NOT designed for extended automobile travel. they're just not wired for it. i know this because Ronin's poop/vomit/pee stream frequency increases dramatically when we drive for more than an hour at a time.  i take this as him telling me that i'm a terrible horrible individual and this is what i get for subjecting my angel child to a torture so base and degenerate as this.

also he screams.... and cries... and screams.

so we pulled into some place... Rocky Mount, Mount Rock, Rocking Mountain... something around 6pm-ish.  we were tired.  we were hungry.  we were frustrated because we'd been having a rough time trying to keep the Wunderkind happy during the first leg of our trip. 

we headed into a "Texas Steakhouse" type establishment.  i took the Screecher into the bathroom and proceeded to change his pee pants.  he cried bloody murder so that everyone in the restaurant and the adjoining hotel would know just exactly how displeased he was at the moment.

i got him changed, mike and the babe and i sat down and had dinner, and things looked up after that.

we stole, nay hijacked, a romantic evening.

aparently, there was some Romantic Weekend Getaway thing going on at said adjoining hotel that we decided to stay at. we booked a room, grabbed our essential travel things, and headed up to the room.

*interjection*

Mike explained to me that he is so romantic that he doesn't plan romantic evenings, he steals them from other people; often unbeknownst to them, and usually unbeknownst to himself as well.

*end interjection*

we walked into the room and we were very surprised at what we saw. there were tons of rose petals covering the bed, they were all over the floor and nightstands, and on one of the nightstands there were two glasses and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice on ice.

SURPRISE ROMANTIC GETAWAY ROOM!!! 

we asked the dude that brought up a courtesy crib for the Young Prince about the room and what was up wit' dat, and he said he didn't know.

it was an awesome serendipitous High Five from the Universe.

we got the Little Angel to bed, poured us some bubbly and settled down onto the bepetaled bed to read and be snuggly.

it was an awesome night, aside from the couple that came knocking at the door a bit later in the night all upset cuz we got the awesome room cuz the hotel screwed up in our favor.


and we got a military discount.

and we got free breakfast.




and i forgot my little neck pillow, Little Guy 3.0 in the hotel room. a fact i didn't realize until this morning.

i forced my wonderful husband to take me to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a replacement this evening.


i promise that i won't lose Little Guy 4.0

he will NOT be leaving the house to go on vacations with me anymore.
now if i can only beg my wonderful mommy to make me yet another pillowcase for it....



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  My son is so clearly a superior child. he already has me and Mike all figured out and knows how to get what he wants.  clever boy...

2.  i think my cats missed me. they seem to have gone feral since we went on vacation.... the house was TORN UP when we got home on Saturday.  they chewed through all of the baby bottle nipples, they peed on the floors, they somehow got poo on both the counters and the stairs, they ate/shredded our toilet paper, and they spilled the contents of the bathroom trash cans on the floor.... as if to say "welcome home morons. thanks for abandoning us. again. jackasses."

3. i gained two pounds over two weeks. blerg.

4.  i dyed my hair dark brown again. gotta put the "winter colors" back on. plus, it helps hide my bald spot.

5. ladies, don't let your husband cut your hair. even if you feel that you've screwed it up so badly that no alteration that he makes could possibly detract from the damage you've already inflicted upon your hairdo.  it's a mistake. don't let them near the scissors. there are some times when "help" isn't "help" and this is one of them.

6. let's just get some $2.00 panties and get out of here...

7. Ronin's on his third pair of jammies for tonight.  i wish he would just stop barfing up and go to sleep already. i'm running out of clean jammies.

8. so Mike said "perhaps you should write about that brilliant thing you did the other day"... and neither him nor i can think of what that brilliant thing, or ANY brilliant thing that i've done was/is.  that's pretty sad.

9.  i took a shower earlier in the day. i went into my bedroom. i put clothes on. i dried my hair some...  and then i opened my door to go back downstairs and there in the doorway are my two cats, my male kitty in the act of humping my female kitty.  they both looked up at me as if to say "um, do ya mind?"...  i said "well exCUSE ME", circumvented them, and went about my business feeling a bit violated myself.

10.  To the guy at Charlotte Russe in VA who was wearing the blue polo, khakis, drawn on eyebrows, and 6 pounds of bright pink blush: COOL IT with the make up.  we get it.  you just want to feel "pretty". but come on, put on some bronzer, maybe pencil in a TOUCH of eyebrow color, perchance a bit of lip gloss just for kicks, but there is NO NEED for the Tammy Faye Baker mask. it's not charming.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

romance, swordfish, and matching workout tennis shoes.

my husband is possibly the most romantic man i have ever met.

kudos to me for snatching him up when i did.

we went on a date this week, leaving the young prince at Mike's parents' house so that we could frolick about and be ridiculous without looking like crack-adled slacker-parents.

it was a magical night....

we boarded the metro to go into DC with the intent to "be adventurous, find a random restaurant, and just see what happens."

Mike said that he wanted to play Hide and Seek D.C.

Hide and Seek D.C. is where Mike pushes me out of a moving Metro train, and he continues traipsing about around D.C.'s greater Metro area.  I play by either:

A: trying to find/catch up with Mike while he runs around having a pleasant evening
B: become Queen of the Bums as I make friends with all the homeless people i see, eventually giving up the game and succumbing to my new lot in life as the Leader of the Vagrants.

or C: i walk home dejectedly on foot. possibly hitchiking. and definitely sweating too much for comfort.

i told him that i'd rather not play that game.



we got to D.C., found ourselves a random restaurant, sat down at a delightful table across from a large beam that obscured our view, and proceeded to "be ourselves".

the rest of the night went as follows:

we took 20 minutes to order because the menu was considerably confusing, a tad pricey, and we had no idea what wine pairing would possibly go with Swordfish on a bed of sweet potato chunks and barbeque sauce.
Our poor waiter was so patient with us....
we decided to get three kinds of wine each; mike would get three white, i'd get three red, and we'd swap and see what we liked.
the waiter asked for our IDs and while Mike handed over his, i sat there blissfully smiling and staring off into the proverbial cosmos.......
i eventually snapped out of it and realized that i hadn't brought my ID with me. it then took me another minute to realize that that meant i wouldn't be getting any wine.
i proceeded to promise the waiter that i was in fact 25 years of age, and that i'd had a kid, and i'd even show him my c-section scar if that would help prove that i was over 21.
he looked repulsed, but he was a pro so you'd never know that he probably had just thrown up in his mouth.
he smiled sheepishly, mumbled something about getting in trouble if someone saw me drinking without him verifying my age, and told Mike he'd bring him his three white wines right away.
dinner wore on, i snuck my wine anyway, we ate swordfish, we made distorted faces at each other, we hiccuped, we laughed too loud, and Mike threw his fist in the air and loudly proclaimed "ROMANCE!!".

the people at the tables near us weren't having as good a time as we were. i know because they kept looking over at us all jealous and junk.

or maybe they just wished we'd settle down and be respectable adults.  we were, after all, in a pretty swanky restaurant.

i mean, we were eating swordfish for crying out loud.


tonight we went to the Cheesecake Factory with my In-Laws.  Mike and I sat at the table and sang that Hootie and the Blowfish song to each other; you know, the one about how "i'm such a baby, girl, the dolphins make me cry".  Ronin..... our Slimeysaurus ....... magically turned into a Raging Screaming Destroyer of Worlds though. we had to kind of hurry dinner and take turns walking around with His Highness in order to satiate his need to be entertained.

The Roaring Drooling One is now sound asleep in his crib on his tummy, drooling away with his little pajamma'd butt up in the air.  it's pretty much the cutest thing ever.



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. it's never a good idea when you're introducing yourself to a group of people for the first time to use the word "semen" in reference to how your parents were in Japan when The Bomb was dropped and how technically you were there too... because you were semen. creepy wink.

2. i love when Mike play-yells at me.  like when he tells me to "GET IN THE CAR"... or how when i tell him that i don't want to have donuts for breakfast and then he yells "THEN YOU WILL STARVE!!". it makes me giggle everytime.  this is yet another way that Mike is the most romantic man i've ever met.

3. i think it's sad that i'm only on number 3 and i'm straining my brain for additional Bedtime Thoughts.  sheesh i am losing it.

4. so speaking of losing it, i've lost quite a bit of hair. i made the tragic mistake of looking in the mirror after i got out of the shower, and i have this LARGE patch of spotty hair growth that covers a considerable area near the left side of my face.  yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay.

5. i bought some clothes today that i feel prety in. it's been a LONG while since i've felt pretty. and now i do. even though i'll soon be as hairless as Dr. Evil

6.  we should all use the phrase "teeming with hippos" more often in casual conversation. example: "why aren't you eating your cereal, Margaret?"  "it tastes funny"  "well no wonder, Margaret, it's Teeming With HIPPOS."

7.  i think it's cute when gay guys buy matching gym shoes... i saw a couple wearing them and it made me smile.

8.  the expression "like taking candy from a baby" doesn't make sense to me. who gave the baby candy? babies shouldn't be eating candy. so taking candy from a baby should be considered to be a good thing. so i applaud those that take candy from babies.

9.  my mother in law is asleep in her recliner in the living room.... do i wake her up so she can go upstairs to bed once i finish this? or do i let her sleep because waking her might make her understandably aggitated? oh god. now THAT's a dilemma.

10. please leave me suggestions for topics to write about.  i've been.... distracted and busy since i've been on vacation and i think that if i have some direction from y'all that it might kick my rear in gear and get me to write more frequently.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

i don't exactly feel like flowers, fluff and unicorns tonight.

it's been... a day.

today can best be described by the following;

sometimes i feel like a volatile supervillain.  usually, i'm my mild mannered alter-ego, Normal Mom.  i go about my day, lovingly taking care of my child and being so sweet and supportive to my husband, doing little things around the house being all Plain Jane-y.

but after several weeks/months of this, something changes and the cracks start to show.

i continue to be Normal Mom and strain to keep the pieces of my calm alter-ego facade in tact until i just cain't no more.

and then i explode into B*tchy Kapow!

like today...

things just piled up and piled up... little things, nothing big, but it all added up and it was too much.  so i dealt with it the best way i knew how.


it began after dinner. i was walking out to my car with Mike and i saw a stupid grimey blonde hoodlum LEANING AGAINST MY CAR and smoking.  my eyebrow twitched and that was it. i lost it. i yelled at the punk to get the fuck off of my car. he mumbled "sorry" and stumbled away.

i felt so liberated, so free. so empowered. so deliciously bitchy.  i can now understand why chicks are such meanie-heads, such bitches; it gives you such a high when you're yelling at delinquents with your eyes all bloodshot and junk.

i still have feelings of explode-o-rage, but i'm holding it in.  i may or may not have, but definitely did lose my resolve a bit tonight and i had a set-back..... mentally. i won't go into any detail on that. let's just say that i'm not ready to be off of my Zoloft yet, and maybe i shouldn't have cut my dosage in half so soon.


sorry this post wasn't too funny, but i really don't feel like imparting levity tonight. i'm kind of disappointed in myself. on the other hand though, i feel free and mischievious and liberated.

my head is such a messed up place.  i need a summer home for my brain.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. The Other Guys was a very... different comedy and very good.

2. There needs to be a Mosquito Holocaust. also a Skunk Holocaust.  Possibly a Cockroach Holocaust.

3.  The girl sitting next to me at the movie theatre tonight smelled really good. i found myself sniffing in her direction several times over the duration of the movie and wondering if i should ask her what her perfume is called and where she got it.

4.  i'm curious to find out if Amaretto and Vanilla Silk would be good; but Mike guilt tripped me out of trying it and now i'm unjustifiably bitter.

5.  i dislike when i'm trying to type and people keep asking me questions.  it takes ALL  of my powers of concentration to put the right fingers to the right keys and to spludge together semi-coherant sentences, and ANY disruption in my focus shoots it all to hell. 

6. i'm feeling a MILLION pressures to be skinny again.  sigh. it's amazing how many of my actions or non-actions are motivated by guilt and shame.

7.  i think i'm going to start planning ahead and mapping out my New Year's Resolutions for the end of this year.

8.  i would love to try liposuction, but i have no faith in it. i fully expect that if i spend my life savings on getting my fat sucked out of my jiggly thighs, that the difference would be less than noticeable and that they would regain their puffy bloatedness within the week.

9.  armadillos = not cute.

10.  i stole a glass from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Mike broke the last one that i'd swiped so i had to replace it.  it was my favorite, favorite glass.  Mike is not allowed to touch this new one.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Krista's 12 Step Guide to a Happy and Blissful Life

I tell you what.  life after Cupcakes just isn't much of a life at all.  I felt the Yearning again today.  maybe I just shouldn't watch TV anymore because it is riddled with delicious temptation trigger-words.


so I do this thing when I'm trying to come up with things to write about where i just think up random words in order to jolt myself into being "inspired".  tonight's effort wasn't too fruitful.  here are the first couple of ideas that i came up with;

raspberries.
cupcakes.
fruit bats.
things that "seemed like a good idea at the time".
Krista's Guide to a Happy Life.

hmm. actually, that last one doesn't seem too terribly bland.  let's do it!!

Krista's 12 Step Guide to a Happy and Blissful Life
By: Krista

1) Cut all of your hair off and enjoy a Mohawk at least once in your life.  Spike it up so tall that you'll have to scruntch down in your car while driving so that you can avoid squooshing it.  the Mohawk will give you 38,643%  more confident Confidence and, if worn to a hopping party along with rainbow/plaid shorts and a hot top, will guarantee the spark of a lasting and possibly marital relationship. Trust me. 

2) Drive with your left leg out the window as often as you can.  However, make sure that you stretch so that A: you don't pull a hammie, and B: you can quickly retract the leg when you see the Po-Pos in your rear view mirror. Because you WILL see the Po-Pos in your rear-view mirror.

3) Eat AS MANY CUPCAKES AS YOU CAN before you hit puberty and your body goes into "whatthefuckishappeningtomeohmygodZIT-CENTRAL" mode.  if you have already hit puberty, then my apologies..... have a kiwi?

4) Live Dangerously.  If you've never broken a bone, gotten a black eye, had a near-death experience, or stomped in a Fire Ant Bed with reckless abandon, then you are a giant wussie that needs to graduate from wearing Pull-ups and put on your big-kid underroos.  Just to be safe, make sure that you break at least 5 bones.  And please, do it epically. Your posterity wants exciting stories to listen to. they don't want to hear about how you repeatedly broke your right index finger by slamming it in your car door juuuuuust to get to the recommended Epic 5.  Stories with wild animals are good.  Ones with explosives, undercover marsupial spies, and strategic wedgie applications are better.

5) Have at least one weird nickname that doesn't seem to fit you at all. HOWEVER, this nickname must be earned (you can't just decide that now everyone must call you Mustard Hammer).  Example: my nickname at one point was Foot.  i'll let you ponder that one yourselves.  and no, it didn't have anything to do with Step 2. Or 4.

6) Marry your best friend.  Deal patiently with/Ignore their flaws.  Remember that you are, on occasion, an inconsiderate dumbass and that relationships are give and take and even though you may or may not be, but definitely ARE right ALL of the time, sometimes you gotta take one for the team and let your Love Turnip/Cuddly Boop enjoy the feeling of being "correct" about what "that actress's name was in that one thing".

7)  Dance Everywhere.  Seriously.   EVERYWHERE.  Wal-mart? Dance.  Snow Cone Stand? Dance. Dentist Office? Get down Girl, Go 'head, get down.  even if it embarrasses all those that were brave enough to accompany your crazy dancin' ass.  who cares? chances are, you'll never see the weirdos that are lurking in the frozen food isle watching you try to do the robot ever again. 

8)  Go see as many rock bands live in concert as you can.  Yell the lyrics.  attempt to "mosh".  try Crowd Surfing (but only if your wallet is in a safe location and you don't mind being violently, violently violated via numerous tushie/boobie gropes).  dance until your legs feel like a mixture of cornstarch and water (SCIENCE WIN!!).  Yell/Sing until you have to rely on the American Sign Language that you brushed up on in the car on the way over for your sole means of communication.

9) If you have kids, play with them as much as possible.  Don't be afraid to look stupid; they probably think that you're brain damaged already from previous experience.  Make weird "would you please just eat your goddamn peas" silly faces.  Get down on the ground, roll around with them, make ridiculous noises.  If they drool, slobber right back.  And don't be afraid to get food/spit/goo on your glasses or have your hair pulled out, even though you're losing your hair at an alarming rate already.  And if you don't have kids, have kids.

10) Exercise!!!!!  nothing beats a 2 hour trip to the gym, getting all drippy and ripe, and punishing your body- getting that sweet sweet burn that lets you know that you actually DID something today and that those 16 cupcakes you ate the day before surely have to have been metabolized by now.  And hey, look at that! You just earned yourself more cupcakes!

11) Call your parents often and tell them that you love them.  also, inform them that now that you are a Functioning Responsibility-Champion, that you realize what a brain-dead punk you were when you were younger and still living at home.  Also make sure they know that they are Golden Encyclepedias of Knowledge and that you'd be lost without them.  Specifically, that you'd be stuck in your kitchen, looking quizzically at a pot of water and 2 eggs, wondering how long it takes to boil them and not have them be all disgusting and play-doh textured once you pull them out of the water. Without your parents, such precious Life and Death questions may go tragically unanswered for the rest of your natural life.

12) Love yourself.  if you don't firmly believe that you are awesome, then no one else will think you're awesome either. Well, unless they're into people that frown and schlump about all the time.  So give yourself hugs, get a massage every now and again just because you want to, go to Hawaii just for the hell of it and spend waaaaay too much money there, and be bubbly.  Talk to everyone you meet like they're an old friend - it's the best way to make old friends.




Questions for My Wonderful Readers (please leave a comment with your answers):

1. did you have any weird fears as a child?
2.  if you could grow anything as an additional appendage, what and where would it be?
3. what would you like your dying words to be?

and to answer my own questions...

1.  i was afraid of taking a bath with the shower curtain closed.  i always had to have it open. that way if anything/one tried to attack me when i was in the vulnerable state of  being "moist and lathered" that i could see them approach and i'd have a better chance at survival.  I grew up in the Ghetto so my Knock-a-bitch Out Reflex is STRONG. Really. It's true.
2. i'd grow an M&Ms (tm) dispenser out of my right forearm.  oh muthalovin YES.
3. i think i'd like to go out yodeling....

Monday, August 9, 2010

the word of the day is "NOT"

it's official;  i have achieved my purpose in life.  Ronin now DANCES.  it's pretty much the best thing ever to witness.  he does the Diaper Booty Bounce, the Joyful Foot Stomp, and Bend Ovah To Da Front and Touch/Drool On Ya Toes.

i clearly have a superior child.


in other news, my husband recently opened my eyes to a new definition of love.  so yesterday, Mike decides to bare his soul to me and tells me that "our love is like a Turnip, in that they both exist".  i found this to be incredibly funny; i randomly found myself convulsing and snorting for a good hour after that.  i am his Love Turnip.  and contrary to popular belief Turnips should NOT be juiced. it is painful.  so no matter what my hubby says, he is not to be believed.  and i am NOT to be juiced.

also.  after much soul searching, i would like to break down and discuss why clowns are NOT funny and are, in fact, Scary Death Machines.  my evidence is as follows.

Large Feet/Shoes: who decided that boat-feet are funny? just because someone can effectively navigate an ocean with only a small dinghy, half an oar, and their freak-flippers doesn't mean that their plight is humorous.  surely this persecution makes them embarrassed, shameful and, over time, engulfed in a blinding murderous rage.

White Face Paint: last i checked, the white and pasty look belonged to the goths.  it's not exactly the Make-Up of Levity.  dead people are usually not instruments of mirth.   usually.

Red Nose:  are clowns sick? do they have the Swine Flu Syphillis Malaria Super Aids? well, they must because their schnauzes are always bulbous and rouge.

Crazy Colored Outfits:  this may be the most sickening trait of all.  these get-ups that the clowns wear- what with the stripes and the polka dots and the puffiness- are terrifying.  there is just way too much going on.  it's like Rainbow Brite (tm) was put into a Bear-sized blender, pureed, and then spewn onto coveralls with a snow blower.

Painted On Smile:  how sick and twisted.  these poor creatures are forced to appear happy.  i don't know about you, but it makes it all the more disturbing seeing that bright red pseudo-grin when it's chasing me, mouth open, teeth gleaming in the sun, and a blood curdling screaching laugh hanging in the air. 

so.  Clowns = Definitely Terrifying and Never Funny.


Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. if presented with the opportunity, i would like to fingerpaint with Nutella and Cherry Preserves.  that way i could make a masterpiece AND lick my fingers clean.  win-win.

2.  butterscotch is only tasty when in melty chip or pudding form.

3.  today my son's favorite activity was whining and squealing.

4. wow. how long has it been since i shaved my legs?.... hmm...

5.  i have NO patience for people who try to patronize me.  so i end up being snotty and short tempered with them on Facebook (tm) chat and then logging off.  but i have NO regrets and and do NOT feel sorry about it.  such people have been pissing me off for too long.

6.  one month until i'm 26.  so.... can i be done with acne already? i mean seriously. i haven't been a teenager for 7 years.

7.  my intestines hurt.

8.  Lucy Lawless is a Cylon.

9.  the kittens are being extra snuggly today... i wonder what kind of shenanegans they are plotting....

10.  the expression is "they had to have done that" and NOT "they had 2 OF done that".  jeez people; stop being 'tards so we can understand what you're writing.



and remember,  Meth is one hell of a drug.

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Aherm....

my readers are the BEST people in this whole wide world.  and yes, that includes my future readers that don't know that they adore me quite yet.

Here is my theory on Opposites. specifically Orange Juice and Toothpaste.

you know how Up and Down are Opposites, and Left and Right, etc?

well, Orange Juice and Toothpaste are Opposites.  and it's SOOO easy to tell.  the combination of the two is the WORST taste sensation in this world. So that's how you know if two things are True opposites. If they are God Awful together. And don't even try to argue because SCIENCE or something.


and now, some heartfelt  Letters that i've been meaning to write.


Dear Piece of Glass in the Bottom of my Foot:
As lovely and shiny as you are, I am glad that we've parted ways.  it was prudent that we did.  after all, all you were going to do was make me bleed more and keep me from putting tennis shoes on and going to the gym.  i just wish you hadn't been such a sneaky devil.  it was more difficult than i expected to dig you out with a pair of tweezers and some toenail clippers.  please tell your friends to either pack up and leave, or be prepared to live out their natural lives under the stove because i will not tolerate another attempt on my life like this.  i bid you adieu.

Firmly,
Krista


Dear Cornbread,
i thought we talked about this.  must we go through the same song and dance everytime that i bake you??  if you would just stop being so delicious then maybe i wouldn't find myself parked on the couch with my gut hanging out of my shorts, eating you with a spoon until there is nothing left in the baking pan but crumbs, guilt, and the tears of my defeat.  we really need to reevaluate our relationship paradigm.  this isn't healthy.

Oh hold on there's another piece still in the pan...
Krista





10 Reasons Why I Win At Today:

1.  my hair may be falling out, but today, less hair fell out than usual. pitiful sad win.

2.  Ronin was trying his damndest to Hoover (tm) a chunk of honeydew melon tonight, but i managed to keep him from getting all of it into his pie-hole and choking on it.

3.  i didn't die today.  and i didn't get peed on today. it's always a good day when the only urine you have to worry about seeing is your own.

4.  i felt like punching my computer today because Georgia and ALL it's utilities companies are fucking rah-tards.  but i didn't.  so, yay for me having restraint and not being abusive to my most ... well, second most favorite piece of technology.  sorry, my MintIfreshPod wins at that game.

5.  i made some of the other mommies at the party tonight laugh.  i may not be the purdiest, but i'm still a Social Butterfly!! maybe Social Moth would be more accurate. nope.  no... Social Grasshopper. No. Social Locust. noooooooooooooooww we're talkin.

6.  totally could have eaten the rest of the cornbread but i DIDN'T.

7.  i'm down from a size 8 to a size 7. baby steps. shakey, jiggly, cellulitey baby steps.

8.  i got a Full Body Bruise today. oh, oh, i mean massage. all my muscle-knots have been obliterated.  although i will now be purple for the next 12 to 16 days.  thanks Bethany!!!

9.  my Knight in Shining Armor, Sir Mike found a HUGE piece of glass that was screaming for my blood and he picked it up and saved me from it's wrath.  my hero!

10.  i am not Paris Hilton.  THANK GOD. 





and i will try much harder to write more often!!! please send feedback/comments; i always love to hear from y'all.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"come on man, that was like three days ago. OR WAS IT?!?!?!?!"

i live in an utterly magical world.  and i can prove it. 

today i went to the gym.  *in a hauty voice* no biggie, burned like 5,000,000,000 calories, did enough sit-ups that it would make Chuck Norris cry from shame and envy.  you know, the usual.  i spent about an hour and a half twisting my body into perfected muscley steel.  after i was done assaulting the equipment, i gathered my things and walked out into the TORRENTIAL rain towards my car....

... and there it was.

lying on the ground, empty, flattened, and all alone.  the huge Vodka bottle.

at this point i stopped and had myself a little Ponder.

"a vodka bottle?  in the middle of the parking lot of the YMCA?  wow Georgia.  what a classy place you are.  so i guess somebody just got severely blitzed, stumbled out of their car, polished off the bottle of vodka, threw it on the ground and said 'alright. NOW i'm ready for my yoga class and water aerobics'. well, actually, maybe that sounds a little badass. hmm. i guess it's only badass if they pulled off going to spin class without puking during it"

so there you are; proof that the world is still a mystical and amazing place.


in other news, i have my husband back from Iraq.  this explains why i haven't really been writing anything and why i've been slacking more than Lazy VonSlothington.  i've been a tad busy.

also, i've devised a plan.  i now know what i'm going to do to beat the Evil People of the World should they decided to take over and carry out their evil plans.  well, provide they all wear eyeglasses.

Step One: somehow gather all the evil people to Houston Texas on the muggiest day of the year.  which consequently is all of the days of the year.

Step Two: invite them all out for lunch after it has rained heavily that morning.

Step Three: gather trusted friends and hide in the bushes.

Step Four: try not to giggle; it will give away our strategic position.  i especially am prone to "suspense giggling".

Step Five: wait for the Evil Ones to pop out of their cars at the designated "lunch venue".

Step Six: as soon as the humidity has fogged up their respective eyewear, rendering them blind and useless in a fight, SPRING from the bushes with bloodcurdling screams, banshee yells, and pointy sticks.

Step Seven: stab/bludgeon the Evil Ones into submission.

Step Eight: head inside to have lunch with your triumphant yet blood-spattered comrades and celebrate your sweet sweet victory!!

Note: don't rush this plan.  it is imperative that all of the environmental and ocular elements are in place before executing these steps.  if not, if you attack Evil Ones that wear contact lenses instead of bifocals, then you may be in for the ass-beating of your life.  plan carefully.  execute gracefully.  bludgeon wisely.



also.  usually Life Lessons happen as follows.  Life Decision >> What are my options? >> Choose one Option >> See Results >> Deal with Consequences, Good or Bad.

well, sometimes you just don't have the TIME to wait for all that to play out and you need to teach a Life Lesson right away.  i had such a moment today.

i was about to give my darling son a bath, and my cat Mischief had decided that he was fascinated by the water in the tub and he wasn't going to get out of the way.

i decided he needed to instantly learn the Life Lesson that he doesn't need to "live" on the side of the tub when i'm trying to get my angel baby bathed and in bed at a reasonable hour.  so.... i balanced the sweet darling on my hip, got on one foot, and used the other to violently nudge the cat into the bathwater.

i'm happy to report that it was 100% effective.  my cat now understands that Ronin's bathtime does NOT equal Kitten Gets To Be Curious About Slash Own Everything time.



10 Reasons Why I Win Today:

1. i was watching Flight Of The Conchords and there were two chicks that looked familiar in one of the episodes. i correctly placed both of them.  the blonde was an intern on the TV show Scrubs, the brunette was a drunken floozy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

2.  i did not die today.

3.  i was NOT the one who left the empty, flattened vodka bottle in the YMCA parking lot.

4. i'm definitely not a hermaphrodite.  not that anything's wrong with that.  but i'm sure it might be weird for my hubby if i was one... so... anatomy win?

5. i tricked my amazing offspring into eating his smooshed peas by mixing it in with his delicious rice cereal/milk this evening. Nutrition Win!!

6. i bought a bright neon yellow sports bra today.  that way if i ever go hunting while i'm wearing it, and my shirt magically dissapates, i won't get shot because it's reflective.

7. my hubby did the dishes!!! I Get To Be A Lazy Bum win!!

8. the yogurt that i just ate is like crack. 20% of my daily fiber strawberry flavored crack.  "i dunno why but today seems like it's going to be a great daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"....

9.  i ate a slice of muenster cheese this morning.  CALCIUM WIN!!! SUCK IT, SALLY FIELD!!!

10.  it used to be that i wasn't able to see my feet when i was walking because of my MASSIVE Fetus-Infused belly.  now i can't see my feet when i'm walking because of my MASSIVE Milk-Infused Fun Bags.  hooray! Sexy Mama win!