Sunday, January 4, 2015

This is the part where i apologize.

I have Bipolar Disorder. Manic/Depression Disorder.

Part of this means that my life makes more sense in retrospect. Sometimes clarity and realizations don't come until years later.

And lately it has become more and more clear to me how much I have hurt the people around me when I ride my waves of Mania that make me feel awesome but act crazy and explosive.

And I really need to apologize; probably to everyone I have ever met. So here it is. Each apology on here is for a specific person, but for the sake of your privacy I won't include your name. If you are on here, you will probably know it when you see it. And if I have missed you, know that yours is forthcoming.




From the depths of my soul I am sorry.

I'm sorry I sped down the highway during the pouring rain putting on makeup even though you were begging me to slow down and be safe.

I'm sorry that I was funny and charming for a few days and then turned into someone that you didn't even recognize anymore. You fell in love with a girl that woke up one day and couldn't love you back. It wasn't fair, it's not how it was supposed to happen. I didn't want to hurt you when I shut down, but I didn't want you to be tied to me when I was only the shell of what you knew.

I'm sorry that I made promises I couldn't keep. That I flickered and faltered and changed the course of our lives forever. I broke you when I broke our engagement. I know that now.

I'm sorry that I dropped our friendship off the face of the Earth without a thought.

I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you; I should have let you go before I started seeing someone else.

I'm sorry I yelled at you in the car that morning at 5am. You were just being yourself, and I was cruel and naïve and shallow to say that that wasn't the right way to be; I had NO RIGHT to say any of that.

I'm sorry that I got so wrapped up in my teenage puppy love relationship and forgot what was truly important, taking care of my best friend, my sister. You were in a terrifying new world filled with uncertainty and fear and pain and I didn't see it.

I'm sorry.

Years later, these realizations come bubbling up to the surface of my mind. Relics from another time, worn and faded, but the pain comes through those memories and events as if it was fresh. It feels like another person that did all those things to you my friends, past loves, my family, but it was me. I will have to find a way to make peace with that eventually, but for now know that I deeply feel sorrow for hurting you.