The burst happened two days ago

I'm angry.

Good God I am so very fucking angry.

I'm coated with it.

I have to hold all these things together and I am barely scraping by.

And then there is the ever-present pool of hurt and betrayal that encircles me, piercing me over and over with each whirl down, a callous snare that drags me into the deep.

I'm kicking and splashing and screaming as loud as I can, but the water does what it does by nature. It crushes me, it steals my energy, it pulls me down and down and down.

What do I have? How can I possibly be everything that I feel that I should be to be accepted and loved? Where is my devotion? My wholeheartedness. Why does this have to be so hard? How long do I struggle before I give up?

Can't it bring me peace instead of only pangs of defeat?


I find myself  in empty parking lots and screaming. Screaming until my breath is gone and my tears have all been driven out of me in exodus, falling from my cheeks.

My heart has fallen into nothingness. It throbs, it suffocates. But in this darkness I can't find it.

I don't know where it is.

If I give up my search the fluttering beats may give way to silence.

I don't know if i'm okay with that.