tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-47841759230450109962024-02-20T18:35:14.997-05:00Facetious and Flexiblefuck it all.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.comBlogger73125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-6211235427575579152018-01-24T11:18:00.000-05:002018-01-24T11:18:13.100-05:00No more.i wont be writing on this blog anymore for anyone else but myself.<br />
i just.... i can't.<br />
things are too delicate.<br />
i'm too fragile.<br />
maybe some day i'll publish the blogs that I've been writing lately, and the ones that i will be writing, but for now I've made them for my eyes only.<br />
<br />
i just thought i'd put this out there in case anybody i know stumbles back onto this blog and wonders what happened.<br />
<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-57583452303158872342018-01-22T23:00:00.000-05:002019-08-26T17:26:36.132-04:00that's it.i give up.<br />
<br />
<br />
i fucking give up.<br />
<br />
you win.<br />
<br />
<br />
i cant fight you anymore. i cant keep begging for you to love me fully. i cant keep hoping that i'm your dream girl, that i'm all you want.<br />
<br />
<br />
i'm fat and disgusting. i know that.<br />
<br />
there are millions of beautiful women and men out there that you can go and fuck.<br />
<br />
<br />
i am so furious at you. i hate you for this. i hate myself because i love you and i want you to want me and only me.<br />
<br />
<br />
no one else will ever find me attractive. no one else will ever love me. so what choice do i have? the only thing i can do is sit back and watch you give in to every impulse and go fuck yourself to exhaustion.<br />
<br />
<br />
so go ahead. go have meaningless, shallow, fleeting, stupid sex with every person who will have you. i hope it makes you happy. i hope your endless mindless fucking will fulfill you and bring happiness and meaning to your life. monogamy and being with me doesn't seem to give you any of that so fuck it.<br />
<br />
to be honest, i want to kill myself. i don't want to be alive anymore. i want to be dead. this is impossible for me to bear.<br />
<br />
<br />
i was punching myself two days ago because i had to do something. my brain was screaming END IT. i wanted to purge. i wanted to starve myself. i wanted to take all my meds and just be done. the bruise on my shoulder is huge.<br />
<br />
but you know what?<br />
<br />
i fucking can't.<br />
<br />
i can't do that to our children. i could never do that to them.<br />
<br />
so what do i do? what can i do. i want to die. this is all way to much.<br />
<br />
so what do you want? what do you want from me? what do you want me to do?<br />
<br />
WHAT DO I DO?<br />
<br />
<br />
i give up. i just fucking give up.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-6764616792907834912016-10-11T21:07:00.001-04:002019-08-26T17:27:40.436-04:00The burst happened two days agoI'm angry.<br />
<br />
Good God I am so very fucking angry.<br />
<br />
I'm coated with it.<br />
<br />
I have to hold all these things together and I am barely scraping by.<br />
<br />
And then there is the ever-present pool of hurt and betrayal that encircles me, piercing me over and over with each whirl down, a callous snare that drags me into the deep.<br />
<br />
I'm kicking and splashing and screaming as loud as I can, but the water does what it does by nature. It crushes me, it steals my energy, it pulls me down and down and down.<br />
<br />
What do I have? How can I possibly be everything that I feel that I should be to be accepted and loved? Where is my devotion? My wholeheartedness. Why does this have to be so hard? How long do I struggle before I give up?<br />
<br />
Can't it bring me peace instead of only pangs of defeat?<br />
<br />
<br />
I find myself in empty parking lots and screaming. Screaming until my breath is gone and my tears have all been driven out of me in exodus, falling from my cheeks.<br />
<br />
My heart has fallen into nothingness. It throbs, it suffocates. But in this darkness I can't find it.<br />
<br />
I don't know where it is.<br />
<br />
If I give up my search the fluttering beats may give way to silence.<br />
<br />
I don't know if i'm okay with that.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-13137158270269289772016-10-08T23:43:00.000-04:002019-08-26T17:27:51.967-04:00I had to say something or i'd burst.It happened again.<br />
<br />
We're supposed to bring each other happiness, love, peace, but there is so much hurt in the way.<br />
<br />
Will it always be this hard?<br />
<br />
Will I always feel less and less important, less beautiful, less loved every time?<br />
<br />
I feel gutted.<br />
<br />
I feel humiliated.<br />
<br />
I feel like a huge, fat, worthless, stupid disappointment.<br />
<br />
Maybe it's my fault? I've been broken for so long. I've been terribly overweight for so long. Maybe that's why he looks elsewhere. Maybe that's why he hides. Why he strays. Why he collects women more attractive than me. <br />
<br />
But how am I supposed to deal with it? How can I not feel like I'm worse at so many things when I see his ideal women? I judge myself. I find myself lacking.<br />
<br />
Maybe I will just never be enough for him. Maybe I will always have to live with that painful realization.<br />
<br />
Why do I stay?<br />
Why do I remain fully faithful?<br />
<br />
This... thing... that happens, it makes me want to do the same thing. To cause pain. To cause hurt, feelings of hopelessness, of inadequacy. But my nature holds me back. I'm devoted.<br />
<br />
Hopelessly devoted.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-21609826840067936682015-01-04T16:06:00.000-05:002019-08-26T18:59:31.267-04:00This is the part where i apologize.I have Bipolar Disorder. Manic/Depression Disorder.<br />
<br />
Part of this means that my life makes more sense in retrospect. Sometimes clarity and realizations don't come until years later.<br />
<br />
And lately it has become more and more clear to me how much I have hurt the people around me when I ride my waves of Mania that make me feel awesome but act crazy and explosive.<br />
<br />
And I really need to apologize; probably to everyone I have ever met. So here it is. Each apology on here is for a specific person, but for the sake of your privacy I won't include your name. If you are on here, you will probably know it when you see it. And if I have missed you, know that yours is forthcoming.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
From the depths of my soul I am sorry.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry I sped down the highway during the pouring rain putting on makeup even though you were begging me to slow down and be safe.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry that I was funny and charming for a few days and then turned into someone that you didn't even recognize anymore. You fell in love with a girl that woke up one day and couldn't love you back. It wasn't fair, it's not how it was supposed to happen. I didn't want to hurt you when I shut down, but I didn't want you to be tied to me when I was only the shell of what you knew.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry that I made promises I couldn't keep. That I flickered and faltered and changed the course of our lives forever. I broke you when I broke our engagement. I know that now.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry that I dropped our friendship off the face of the Earth without a thought.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry that I wasn't honest with you; I should have let you go before I started seeing someone else.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry I yelled at you in the car that morning at 5am. You were just being yourself, and I was cruel and naïve and shallow to say that that wasn't the right way to be; I had NO RIGHT to say any of that.<br />
<br />
I'm sorry that I got so wrapped up in my teenage puppy love relationship and forgot what was truly important, taking care of my best friend, my sister. You were in a terrifying new world filled with uncertainty and fear and pain and I didn't see it. <br />
<br />
I'm sorry.<br />
<br />
Years later, these realizations come bubbling up to the surface of my mind. Relics from another time, worn and faded, but the pain comes through those memories and events as if it was fresh. It feels like another person that did all those things to you my friends, past loves, my family, but it was me. I will have to find a way to make peace with that eventually, but for now know that I deeply feel sorrow for hurting you.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-55865963597735746192014-10-29T22:06:00.001-04:002019-08-26T18:52:00.926-04:00Morse code<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
my life as a woman coping with bipolar disorder, from the outside, would look like morse code.<br />
<br />
a tiny dot of mania, long dashes of debilitating depression.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
and I am at the mercy of the chemicals in my brain. like being tied up and alternatingly being tied to a furnace, and when the switch flips on I can ride a unicorn across a rainbow or whatever image more accurately expresses elation. I have no choice. I cannot "just suck it up". I can't just get over it. For years this is what the world told me to do. To just "get over" myself and stop crying. So for years I felt like I was a failure. Like I was a liar. Like I was worthless and broken.<br />
<br />
now I understand that my mind has a disease. and i'm learning the painful truth of what that really means.<br />
<br />
today was another one of those days where I don't want to be anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I just want to be dead. I want so badly not to be here anymore. and the scary truth of it is that if I didn't have my children, and if I didn't have this medication to help even me out, that I probably would just end it. those short dashes of happiness are just so short, so far away. hardly worth the pain of the months between them.<br />
<br />
I did something bad. except that I don't feel bad about it.<br />
<br />
I cut my psych meds in half. I appreciated being more even, for my highs and lows to not be chasms and mountains, but I think that feeling blank and empty and numb in it's own way may be worse.<br />
<br />
since I cut back I cry a lot more. but at least I <em>can fucking cry.</em><br />
<em></em><br />
I want to see if this will affect my manic periods. if maybe i'll feel that fantastic freedom again that I used to feel before I knew what was happening to me and got medicated. my memories of those times are sparkling. full of that feeling you get when you're driving or riding so fast and you lean your face into the wind and the air rushes around you and lifts your hair and you feel like you are invincible, like you're flying.<br />
<br />
<br />
give me a few weeks, a few months, then the light will come back on and these posts will be funny again. but until then, I've made the decision that I won't hold back and I won't be ashamed of my feelings and who I am. so these posts yes are dark but they are a part of me and I won't apologize for that.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-47522051092146816532014-04-16T19:31:00.001-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.017-05:00Burning your house down; It's not really that fun.Howdy. <br />
<br />
I know, I know, I haven't bloooogged in a long time. But I have a valid excuse.<br />
<br />
I've been stuuuuuupid busy.<br />
<br />
Which translates to I had a baby, learned to adjust to two screaming children, and maybe sort of accidentally burned my house down and lost everything our family owned.<br />
<br />
Ok, I exaggerate. We did make it out with a handful of clothes, two of Ronin's blankets, 2 coats, a teddy bear, and two pairs of shoes. And one of our two family pet cats.<br />
<br />
When your house burns down it's like going through a speed round of The College of Hard Knocks educational courses.<br />
<br />
Our friends, family, coworkers, and utter strangers opened their hearts and homes and pockets and kept my family from drowning in despair and homelessness. <br />
<br />
I've learned that the only things that i'm truly attatched to are my family and our memories. The only things I'm upset about losing in the fire (and we did lose EVERYTHING) were the kids' baby footprints we had framed on the wall, and the baby blanket I made for Teva while I was pregnant with her. Everything else was just stuff.<br />
<br />
Expensive, waterlogged, smoky, charred up barbequed stuff.<br />
<br />
I'll always miss our little kitty Lady. The poor baby ran and hid when the smoke and flames filled the house and the fire department wasn't able to find her until it was too late. Our cat Mischief ran to the front door and stayed there and they got him out before he suffered more than a singed ear and some smoke inhalation.<br />
<br />
I won't go into any more of the sad depressing details of that fateful day in May. Instead, I will make a list:<br />
<br />
Krista's Tips For What To Expect When Your House Burns To Ashes and You Lose All Your Junk:<br />
<br />
1. Everyone will want to help you. Don't resist; LET THEM. It's not weakness, it's a strength to let others help. Write down everyone's name and contact info if you can, so you can send thank yous later; you will want to.<br />
<br />
2. Cry and scream and let all the tension out. It's better to just let it go so you can begin to heal and get back to a normal life.<br />
<br />
3. Be glad for the little things. The clothing restoration company that went through the rubble of our house was able to clean and save Teva's teddy bear and Ronin's blanket; I cried when I was able to give them back to my kids. They snuggled them up immediately and suddenly things didn't look so bleak; I still had a few pieces of "home" for them to hold on to.<br />
<br />
4. Don't let your insurance company dick around. It took our insurance company (progressive) 7 months to get our settlement to us. 7 very expensive months. They are no longer our insurance company, truth be told.<br />
<br />
5. Look on the bright side; now you don't have to go through allllll that effort to have that garage sale; all the things you've been hoarding is gone and you can start hoarding again from scratch!! How fun.<br />
<br />
6. Thrift stores will be your best friends; we got a lot of clothes and books and kitchen things there.<br />
<br />
7. Jokes about "burning this mothafuckah to the ground" get a little less funny to your friends, and a little more ..... "well, shit, dude, she might actually do it." Just a tad less funny.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Ok. So that's all i'll say about that. I don't want to beat a horse that's dead AND charbroiled.<br />
<br />
Ha! Fire joke.<br />
<br />
<br />
So. Bottom line:<br />
<br />
Burning your house down isn't all fun and games and tra-la-la like the Hollywood Machine would have you think. (I say Hollywood because, hey, you gotta blame somebody.... and Brad Pitt and the rest of Ocean's 11 is a pretty good place to start.... and not just because i'm still bitter that Matt Damon didn't wanna marry me.)<br />
<br />
Probably not a good idea, kids. <br />
<br />
Probably....<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-78042875184676683232012-09-29T23:23:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.060-05:00Barry White and other Sexy StuffHow does one make a <strong><em>soundtrack</em></strong> for a raunchy book? Let's say, a book like Fifty Shades of Grey.<br />
<br />
I doubt it would have anything to do, at all, with the book. I'd be willing to bet my lacy knickers that it would just be a whole slew of funky tunes to groove, grind and get some sweet lovin' to. <br />
<br />
Either a ton of Barry White, or just a whole album of non-descript instrumental naughty music. <br />
<br />
Either way, I wouldn't buy the soundtrack. I'm cheap. I'd rather just hum my own little dirty-ditty to myself as I read. <br />
<br />
I don't think I'd ever make it in the prestigious porn music business. No one can get off to an upbeat, peppy tune of "bom, chee, bom bom buh chee chee, boom dee, bom bom ba dee dee" that I would try to pass off as sensual.<br />
<br />
I have difficulty creating sexiness. You know, actions, situations, "come hither" looks. Not suprising as my Libido is about as smoldering and spicy as a bucket of slugs, wet with the morning dew.<br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6176/6174167105_f61a1dabba_z.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6176/6174167105_f61a1dabba_z.jpg" height="240" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mmm... What's cookin' good lookin'?</td></tr>
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In other news...<br />
<br />
I'm losing my "baby weight" that I gained with my daughter at an.... <em>acceptable </em>rate. well, i supposed I could even call it a <strong>good</strong> rate, considering the fact that i haven't been medically cleared for exercise since i was sawed in half and pryed open with the Jaws of Life.<br />
<br />
My loving, delicious hunk of Man Meat of a husband tells me most every day how good I'm looking, and that I'm beautiful. Here's how today's conversation went:<br />
<br />
Mike: You're looking so great, Honey! I gotta admit, when you walked away from me in the mall today, I was enjoying watching that Badonkadonk sway!<br />
Me: Thanks, Babe. I'm getting it back!<br />
Mike: You never lost it.<br />
Me: Um.... then... I have some pictures for you to look at. (referencing my 2010 Rise to Blimp-hood)<br />
Mike: Ok, maybe last pregnancy, when you got up past 200 pounds, you might have been pushing it a little.<br />
Me: Well, I wanted to see if I could make it work in the Double Century realm. It turns out it wasn't cute. Not cute at all. I might have lost it then, it might have gone south fast, <strong><em>really fast</em></strong>.<br />
Mike: It might have wandered away.... <br />
Me: Yeah, it was.... <em>something</em>.<br />
<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy_LGqtRA2mgldiKndAvYuQXD1PDSzbjM3IkKDPvxxWyNwo3RJ8sCOTDrvOQCtg7zg20LlcfXcijWFkf3SqTkGvvPVBOBb1wmfbyN45CLjjkQHVIA5NWsILNtzPNpHwn-_6AV0ZKXEEZ0/s1600/418865_282332891880720_1302305253_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiy_LGqtRA2mgldiKndAvYuQXD1PDSzbjM3IkKDPvxxWyNwo3RJ8sCOTDrvOQCtg7zg20LlcfXcijWFkf3SqTkGvvPVBOBb1wmfbyN45CLjjkQHVIA5NWsILNtzPNpHwn-_6AV0ZKXEEZ0/s320/418865_282332891880720_1302305253_n.jpg" height="200" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">But still cute, though, right?<br />
<br />
<br />
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</td></tr>
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In a nearly related note; i keep having these stressful sex dreams in which i wake up just seething with anger.... foaming at the mouth.... other angry autonomic bodily responses.<br />
<br />
the one i had last night went thusly.<br />
I was cuddling with one of Mike's Army buddies, telling him about my problems, hopes, dreams, feeling etc, and he's listening and chiming in appropriately and sweetly and for all intents and purposes i'm having an emotional affair.<br />
which i'm fine with.<br />
because in the dream Mike is furious with me for even being there where everyone is, because i'm "messing up the firewall and now he can't download his porn, get off, or meet up with other people".<br />
<br />
i woke up the next morning, stayed mad for a good hour, and then decided that YES it was just a dream, my husband is still my loving husband, and i dont need to go a-murderin' yet.<br />
<br />
also, i'm not going to the mall again until i'm under 150 pounds. i went today and nearly instantly regreted that decision.<br />
<br />
<br />
yike. too tired to finish. going to bed. and NOT in the fun way, mind you.<br />
<br />
YET.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-66718873744307084862012-08-29T19:49:00.002-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.070-05:00Let's get weird.It's always difficult for me to find a way to dive into these posts. <br />
I guess a non-descript awkward intro is as good as any.<br />
<br />
Since we last..... heard.... from my brain i was 17 weeks pregnant and all hopped up on ambien. Well, if one CAN be hopped up on ambien. It might be more accurate to say i was getting sloppy and fizzling out on ambien. that sounds better.<br />
<br />
the rest of my pregnancy felt a little something like this:<br />
<br />
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<br />
<br />
long story short, i had a baby GIRL (Teva Corinna Caoimhe Custer) about 3 weeks ago, pregnancy sucks a bag of soggy moldy pig knuckles, and the only thing keeping me from spiraling into drunken self-loathing/medicating is the staunch fact that the alcohol would pass into my breast milk. <br />
<br />
it's a thin, thin line to walk but i do because i want what's best for my little girl. <br />
<br />
there is plenty of time for me to be self destructive after the kids leave for college. or the army. or to be bums off of the government's (oops, i mean the TAXPAYER'S) dollar. <br />
<br />
it's interesting, not being pregnant anymore. some things are the same:<br />
1) I'm still waaaaaayyy fatter than i care to be.<br />
2) my feet and knees still hurt.<br />
3) none of my shirts fit.<br />
4) i can forget about looking cute, too.<br />
5) i still have to give myself shots everyday.<br />
<br />
some things are different:<br />
1) my boobs are ginormous. epic, even. seriously. one of my boobs is about twice the size of my infant's head.<br />
2) i no longer crave iced apple filled donuts everyday. now it's every other minute.<br />
3) from the waist up i look like.... a slightly thicker/voluptuous version of myself. <br />
4) from the waist down i look like a thickly scarred mistake of a train wreck of a humanoid.<br />
<br />
<br />
so, let's just say i don't feel very attractive lately. <br />
in fact, i feel about THIS attractive.<br />
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just to be clear, i feel like the individual on the left. except that, as i may have mentioned, my boobs are considerably bouncier.<br />
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turns out, surprise surprise, that it's harder to bounce back from a subsequent pregnancy than it is the first one.<br />
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case and point, i looked back through my <a href="https://www.facebook.com/#!/FacetiousAndFlexible" target="_blank">Facebook posts</a> to after i had my first kiddo (Ronin), just to see what my weight loss progress had been around two weeks postpartum.<br />
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i should NOT have done that. something tells me that it isn't fair to judge my current body by my younger body's standards, but it's still hard to not feel inadequate when i see that last time I'd lost 40 pounds at this point instead of my measly 16.<br />
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meh. whatever. <br />
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postpartum depression sucks a pee-stained roach bespeckled rug.<br />
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wow. 3 weeks of getting less than 4 hours of sleep at one time is turning me into a really bitchy-witchy.<br />
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there we go. maybe that made you smile.<br />
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here's something...<br />
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Mr. Alexander Skarsgard of True Blood (he plays Eric Northman), was in Zoolander. Don't believe me? Does ORANGE MOCHA FRAPPUCCINO ring some bells?<br />
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but then again, of COURSE Alexander Skarsgard is in Zoolander; he's really really really really really ridiculously good-looking.<br />
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to use my husband's method of ranking hotness- Alexander Skarsgard would get it. yeeeeaaaaaaapp.<br />
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well, it's time to feed my new Tiny Human. and even though he says "no Mommy, I all clean", i KNOW Ronin has a diaper that needs some attention.<br />
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so i hope this is good for now. aaaaaaaaaannd maybe it won't take me 22 weeks to write my next post.<br />
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pish.<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-49218746114348629362012-03-17T00:22:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.095-05:00Pregnant Beeches be CRAY-ZAY!Beeches. as in multiple Beech trees.<br />
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i'm sure they're all mentally unsound when they are with child.<br />
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AS AM I.<br />
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my hormones are taking over and it's alarming how very OK with it i am...... devilish grin. smiley face.<br />
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Tiny Example: i'm eating my Feelings in the form of Chocolate Ice Cream and a Strawberry Lemon-Cream cupcake. the flavors dont exactly mix but i'm shoveling it in so fast that i don't care.<br />
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Medium Example: Started crying uncontrollably while listening to this song in the car and thinking about my husband, son, and unborn child- <br />
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pretty self explanatory really.</div>
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Large Example: A week and a half ago someone stole our trash can from out in front of our house after the garbage truck came by. A day later my husband spotted it sitting in plain sight in our next door neighbor's back yard. (this is the same family that claims "Chris", name changed to protect his identity.... like i care... who stole all the food out of our pantry, cleaned out boxes of frozen meats from our freezer, his crackhead girlfriend stole my expensive brand new unused shampoo and conditioner, trashed our back yard, and left my kitchen a sticky mess.) to be clear, OUR trash can is light light light grey with a forest green lid. all of THEIR trash cans are black, lid-less, and have their address painted on the side. so there was no reason to believe that it was an "honest mistake of identity". those Triflin' Bitches straight up stole it. and that Friday, at the next garbage pick up the can didn't come back out front. by Monday, the Piss and also the Vinegar had built up inside me, and heated to the boiling point or whatever the cliche is. so the Hubby and i started to make plans.</div>
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Plan A: Steal the trash can back in the night... as their back fence's gate is broken and has been laying on the ground for months now. However, i frown on trespassing. in Texas, Trespassing on private property CAN and USUALLY WILL involve the use of Firearms. Preggo Krista ain't into it.</div>
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Plan B: Take our trash bags over and put them in OUR can during the light of day. If we were caught, we'd say something dumb like "oh, don't mind me. just using MY trash can that MaGiCaLLy lives in YOUR backyard now"</div>
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Plan C: Knock on their front door, and when they open it hand them our trash bags and ask if they can put it in our trash can that they stole.</div>
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GENIOUS PREGNANT KRISTA went with Plan D.</div>
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Plan D: in a fit of rage, take the trash bag out of the front yard where it was ready for the next morning's pick up, take it to my backyard, and hurl it wildly and loudly AT my trash can next door.</div>
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This ultimately proved to be the most effective plan. A wild animal tore open the bag that night (which had landed.... Near.... my trash can), which resulted in Ronin's used UNHOLY ANATHEMA-filled diapers being strewn across their yard. Muah. Ha. Ha.</div>
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What happened?</div>
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they waited until about 5pm or so.... then "cleaned" it up by dumping it all in our trash can, and they deposited it back in front of our houses.</div>
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Thanks Bi-otch!</div>
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i felt so...... JUSTIFIED and vengeful tossing that bag over the dividing fence. </div>
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so, bottom line: hooray for hormones. they let me DO WHAT I WANT!!</div>
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tell you what though, this is Krista's LAST pregnancy. ever. sorry Hubby, i know you wanted one thousand babies. kiss your dream of the last 998 goodbye. it aint happening.</div>
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Reason 1: I severely detest giving myself a shot every day.... even though it "prevents" possible blood-clot related Mommy Death. </div>
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Reason 2: as my belly gets bigger i find that i can no longer comfortably pee with my knees together. gotta pee like a man pooping.... knees apart. which doesn't help my already laughable Urine Aiming Talent that like most women, i suffer from.</div>
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Reason 3: I'M FAT!!</div>
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Reason 4: If my boobs get bigger with each pregnancy, and they're THIS HUGE on THIS one at only 17 weeks in, then i'm going to snap my spine trying to hold them up if i get knocked up again. As it is, i'm overly nervous about when my "milk comes in". Although, my Hubby ASSURES ME that my heaven-sent sweater-puppies are in fact devine.</div>
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Reason 5: My husband has VICIOUS MUTANT MURDER-SPERM. you saw how my last kid turned out. He was (and is) perfect and handsome and utterly endearing and sweet. but he did try his best to mutilate me in the process of his glorious entrance into the World of the Living. This next kid might have me pushing up daisies as it is; finish what it's brother started. and..... i'm too..... fun to die? Funny? friendly? random? uhhhhhhhh i'm definitely too SOMETHING to die. i don't know. let me know if you have something that can fit here: "Krista is too ________ to die."</div>
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And to close, one of my personal favorite endings....</div>
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10 Cute Things That Ronin has done Lately:</div>
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1. The "i'm pulling it from a Full Cry-Face to see if you're still watching" Cry Face.</div>
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2. Ronin has switched from calling me Mom to MOMMY! in varying degrees of volume which i find impossibly endearing.</div>
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3. He like to crawl under to covers with me and we both say "Comfy Cozy!" which, coming out of his mouth sounds like "domdy dohdy". </div>
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4. Put a paper bag over his face and put his hands and face through the hole it'd cut out of it for him, then walked around the house, bumping into things saying "i dee do dobot" (translation: i am a robot).</div>
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5. He likes to "play" with the kittens with their new Feathers-on-a-stick toy. Well, he calls it play, Mike and I call it Potential Vet Hospital Emergency visit. He also likes to project his LED light stars up on the wall for Mischief to bat at.</div>
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6. Speaking of cats, Ronin's favorite game is "Ronin's A Kitty"! he crawls along the top of the couch going "meowme meowme" meowmommy"...... </div>
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7. He likes to play Tents with Papa. they climb up on Mama and Papa's Big Bed and Ronin says Tent! Tent Papa! Mike pulls the covers up and over then and then all i hear for the next 5 to 10 minutes or so is hushed giggles and "sillly papa" from the other room.</div>
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8. So that The Simpsons's opening theme song is one of Ronin's favorite songs. and now he's interactive with it. He'll also point at the door to the music room for Lisa to leave!</div>
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9. Ronin has been giving the Baby (encased in it's bump on my belly) a kiss every night before bed time. the other afternoon we were just cuddling on the couch and i said "Ronin, where's the baby?"</div>
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he reaches over and pats my tummy saying "BeeeeBee Mommy". then he LEANS IN and puts his cheek next to my belly and puts his arms around me so he could give the baby his first hug from his big brother. i LOVED it soooooooooo much.</div>
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10 a few nights ago Mike and I put on Ronin's ULTIMATE FAVORITE SONG; The Credit Song for Portal 1 called "Still Alive" shown here:</div>
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the song itsself starts at 45ish seconds into the clip. it's cute, it's short, hell..... i'ts MY favorite song too.</div>
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so we put this on and Ronin squeals in the delight, he holds onto the Kindle that it's playing on, and proceeds to spin around and around i can only suppose out of joy.... though me might be trying to initiate a sudden acute onset of Vertigo. but it was so cute. even after he sat down because he was too dizzy, it wasn't enough so when he fell onto his side that's where he ended up watching the last few notes.</div>
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I'm sure i have more things to write about buuuuuttttttttttsaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....</div>
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aassmmmmmmmmbbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeennnnnn. </div>
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Please leave comments here or on my facebook page which is on my profile page on here if you need to find it.</div>
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Per shmittles! next time we talk, we'll know if there's another Custer Man coming or a Custerlette. Cast your votes and make your voting pools now. due date is Aug 27..... go. just make sure i get a cut of the winnings. preferrably in the form of diapers.</div>
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I love y'all! and if you know anyone that needs a chuckle or a laugh or would otherwise enjoy my blog then please share it. i dont get any profit for what i write, i just like to write and laugh and spread some happy around.</div>
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Scribblededoo!</div>
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-47285377494846684392012-01-17T21:45:00.002-05:002020-11-10T21:26:46.104-05:00Maturity and Other Grown-Up ThingsWelcome to my blog, 2012.<br />
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Um, I'm pregnant. <br />
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HOORAY!! I love being pregnant. In addition to the "normal happy mommy" reasons for bliss, I would like to add these additional personal reasons of my own:<br />
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1. I get to be fat without feeling guilty or ugly about it.<br />
2. Stretchy Maternity PANTS!! <br />
3. I get to live in pajama/sweatpants for almost a year while I swell and deflate.<br />
4. My hubby is more inclined to give me Squeezie Feets.<br />
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<br />
So, just to get y'all up to speed, we're still in Maryland, Ronin is picking up new words right and left, Mike is dropping his officer packet, and I'm almost 9 weeks preggers.<br />
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Now on to the fun stuff!!!!!!<br />
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I thought a lot about what Maturity is today.<br />
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Maturity: Buying the Pop-Tart flavors that my toddler likes instead of the flavors that I want.<br />
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Maturity: Only eating one helping of fried rice instead of 5 because I'm eating for One and One Fetus and not One and One Litter.<br />
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Maturity: Being okay with myself for only having two solid examples of personal maturity.<br />
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The next few things I've been saving up. I have this tiny notebook that I'm pretty sure I yoinked from work several years ago that I write things down in. So the next segment is just a couple random quotes from my average day, or normal thoughts that traipse through my skull-goo.<br />
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*Krista (holding bras up, speaking to Mike's turned back): "Lacy Sexy titslings!"<br />
Mike (turning around): "Titslings?! I had to turn around to see what they were. I was imagining little creatures that had sprouted from your breasts... you know.... Tit-lings."<br />
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*It's not playful if it makes me cry inside. (Mike's rebuttal- yes it is!)<br />
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*Is it mold... or Jalapeno?<br />
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*But I was doing my Barrel of Monkeys dance... and you stopped me mid-Barrel of Monkeys dance...<br />
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*I think you'd be hard pressed to get Jesus to pick your boogers for you.<br />
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*There's nothing more frightening than someone threatening you with a knife while you're trying to purchase a feminine hygiene product.<br />
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*Dear Hulk Hogan,<br />
Please tell me what kind of shampoo and conditioner you use because I envy your luxurious silken fur.<br />
Love, Krista<br />
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Here are my predictions for 2012, because I'm like 1/2,586,432 Mayan or something.<br />
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1) Tori Spelling, the Perpetually Pregnant woman, will be the next "20 kids and counting"/Octomom.<br />
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2) I feel another "The Hulk" movie remake coming on...<br />
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3) Funk is going to make a full come-back this year. Just funk... in general. The normal kind.<br />
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4) Georgia will continue to suck.<br />
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5) President Obama will fart audibly in public.<br />
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6) So will Ke$ha, although that will probably be the least disgusting thing she'll do in public all year.<br />
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7) I will be back to my pre-preggo weight by December 31st!<br />
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8) Lindsay Lohan will completely spiral out of control, while Mary-Kate Olsen recovers and gets healthy (I'm rooting for you, MK!)<br />
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9) My chest hair will finally grow in.<br />
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10) I will get you to envision how I would look in a swim suit with massive amounts of chest hair pouring out of it.<br />
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Hey, I didn't say they'd be important predictions or anything.<br />
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time for some Lucky Charms.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-3607400592560043192011-11-29T14:53:00.001-05:002020-11-10T21:26:46.113-05:00Waffley VonBlintzhummanah hummanah hummanah. sheebow sheebow. woooootboing.<br />
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ok. i've psyched myself up. i'm ready to write.<br />
in bed, in pajamas, in the semi-dark.<br />
windows are open so i can listen to the rain, and my computer is nestled on top of two pillows.<br />
if not perfect, then it's a near-perfect writing environment.<br />
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ok.<br />
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so i went to Texas for 6 weeks while my hubster was off wasting his time, against his will, in some stupid course for work.<br />
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in these short 6 weeks, my house got trashed by my cat/housesitter, Mike's car got towed, and i lost my awesome and very sweet phone. <br />
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i dont' want to dwell on these negative things... let's just say the delinquent is on my naughty list and i can't talk to him because i'd say/do something that i regret; Maryland is STUPID. and oh yeah, i'm STUPID for losing my awesome and very sweet phone. also, phone insurance companies are STUPID. but they work. so you keep your head down and just barrel through the stupid. it will save you $250 dollars.<br />
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i kind of wish that i'd had a real wedding. well, mostly just the party part. you know, the reception. mostly because i'd love to do some goofy wedding dance like this:<br />
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except that my wedding party would KNOW how to dance and they'd be SHARP!! as a former Pearland Prancer and Ballerina, i would expect nothing less of my bridesmaids and groomsmen. i mean, if you're going to get out there and dance to something outside the Wedding-Cliche-Box, you might as well Cut the rug, not just trip and stumble across it. so i guess if i ever have an actual wedding/reception, i'll be holding tryouts for bridesmaids. so everyone brush up on your dance moves!! watch some Napoleon Dynamite, or watch this:<br />
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it will teach you EVERYTHING you need to know.<br />
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my question is, how on earth do you go through TWELVE boxes of pop-tarts in three weeks? you'd have to have between 2 and 3 a day.... i guess it's plausible. just not ethical. especially when they are not YOUR pop-tarts. they belong to the son of the lady whose house you are supposed to be watching/caring for while she's gone for six weeks. you pissant little putz.<br />
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i was so just royally miffed about the whole "my house sitter really screwed me over" business that the day that i came home, i couldn't get to sleep for the life of me because every atom of my being was livid. i ended up finally falling asleep that night and ended up taking a 4-hour angry-nap.<br />
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your mother would not approve.<br />
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so at the end of the day today, i had on thick black eyeliner, and i'd straightened my hair and put on a punky shirt and my hubby's plaid lazy pants. why? let's just say i listened to a LOT of Avril Lavigne today.<br />
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like, a LOT.<br />
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Dear Inhabitants of The Greater DC area:<br />
I try to be nice and decent to you. I open doors for many of you; men, women and children alike. I say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" and so on. I let people in when i'm on the freeway. I smile at everyone, I try to go out of my way to be friendly or to make people laugh. <br />
So cut me a fucking break and be nice to me every now and then. Because, damn. Maryland, you're MEAN!<br />
That is all,<br />
Krista<br />
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So i walked out of the Ladies' room in a hispanic supermarket, and this dude asks me if there are any other women in there, as they need to get back to the ladder i just passed, back up into the ceiling and back to work. i tell him i don't mind checking for him. i waltz into the Loo and let out a loud "HELLLOOOUUUU....LADIES?!!" to which i hear him laughing. and it kind of made my day. <br />
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well, that and the Meerkats i saw later while i was at the zoo.<br />
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and the pregnant goat that i pet. i felt the baby's heartbeat. kind of extremely awesome.<br />
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i spent about an hour today watching Michael Grimm Videos like this one:<br />
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and ones of Jackie Evancho like this:<br />
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and yes, i know what you are all wondering.<br />
<br />
it's true. i'm insanely jealous.<br />
<br />
also, i've discovered that these past few months i've started forgetting how to spell simple words. words like "which". earlier in this blog, i spelled the word "time" like this: "him". what is wrong with me? all my brain are shutting down.<br />
jeez.<br />
<br />
time to go see the neurologist again!!<br />
<br />
ha.<br />
<br />
so THIS is what it's like when i try to make myself write. also, when i've had too much riesling. whoops.<br />
<br />
alright. well. maybe next time i'll write while i'm still sober. tee hee!!<br />
<br />
oh, by the way. this nerve condition that i have definitely has some silver linings. my random goosebump patches offer me endless visual entertainment, and sometimes i'm so dizzy that it makes me nauseated for hours on end so i can't eat anything... which is great news for my jeans. those poor jeans, they've been working so hard this year. the last time i wore this particular pair that i speak of was 2 years ago. we're talking pre-spawning. and i was about 20 pounds lighter back then. i think i've put holes in the butt/crotch of every pair of jeans that i own since i found that i could force them back on my body. oh well. peek-a-boo. at least my panties are cute.<br />
<br />
also, on a slightly related note, i really need to make sure that the curtains are CLOSED before i do a 1920's Flapper-girl inspired sexy dance for my husband. at least i was wearing my bathrobe which covers.... well, i guess it covers everything. <br />
<br />
well nevermind then. let 'em look.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Love, Laughs, and Rubber Duck-filled Bubble Baths.<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-9708553676091516402011-09-29T09:44:00.002-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.123-05:00Knife or Banana: Which will you chose?it's 9:20 on a thursday morning and i find myself with nothing pressing to do. <br />
<br />
my beautiful boy is conked out on the couch.<br />
i guess that's what he gets for waking up at 4:30. and 5. and 5:30am this morning.<br />
<br />
i've finished my coffee, answered my emails, filled out a few surveys to earn a few measley cents, diddled around on facebook, and emptied the dishwasher. <br />
<br />
i suppose it's time to get back to my roots.<br />
<br />
and i'm not talking about the two streaks in my hair that have turned pale green, either. although they do require some rapt attention in the near future. they used to be blue and purple. now they're just Ick and Eww.<br />
<br />
i grew a pumpkin in my backyard this summer. i had such high hopes for intricate carvings and fresh pumpkin pies, but it only grew to be the size of Ronin's ginormous head, so now i'm left scratching mine.<br />
<br />
about all it's good for is staring at.<br />
<br />
so that's what i'm doing.<br />
<br />
<br />
there's an awesome toy store that we found whilst exploring our new city.<br />
it's next to like 3 bakeries, a breakfast nook and a FroYo place which is even better.<br />
<br />
but i digress.<br />
<br />
we went there yesterday and i picked up some stuff on sale.<br />
<br />
a book about how Medusa, Frankenstein, the Headless Horseman, Poe, and other unfortunate monsters/people have tough lives and the unique challenges they face. it's cute. i'm sure Ronin will appreciate the satire in a few years.<br />
<br />
also, i got a 1500 piece puzzle of Unicorns. <br />
i HAD to get it.<br />
<br />
it had unicorns on it.<br />
<br />
little constructable Trevors.<br />
<br />
y'all remember Trevor, right? my blue best-friend Unicorn? who has poison spikes all over?<br />
of course you do.<br />
<br />
<br />
hmm. what else is new...<br />
<br />
i'm 27. i'm falling apart. i have.... 9 bruises on my legs that i cannot account for. two of which are new this morning. my goosebumps are being exceptionally gung-ho this week. and not only did i drop scissors today, but i dropped coffee grounds. they went everywhere. <br />
<br />
note to self; Buy a DUSTBUSTER. because coffee grounds are stubborn and stupid and never come when you call them. <br />
<br />
Ronin has a monkey costume for Halloween. i want to find a banana costume so that i can be this guy for Halloween:<br />
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Mike wants to be a knife for Halloween so that we can reenact this little game show:<br />
<br />
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We're a silly family.<br />
<br />
<br />
So i ordered a 20 lb weight vest online yesterday. i hear that the best way to "lose those last 10 stubborn pounds" is to trick your body into thinking it's heavier than it is to jump-start your metabolism. apparently your body wants to stay a certain weight, and if all-of-the-sudden it is under the impression that your "spare tire" is now a "spare monster-truck", then it'll get off it's lazy butt and do something about it.<br />
<br />
we'll see about that. i plan on wearing it all the time. except when swimming.<br />
<br />
it wouldn't be prudent.<br />
<br />
YOU try doggie-paddling with the weight of a small child strapped to your chest.<br />
<br />
it's <em>ruff.</em><br />
<br />
<em>HA! </em><br />
<br />
<br />
well, this was fun but i suppose i should probably hit "publish" and put this up for y'all.<br />
<br />
after all, i have UNICORNS to build.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-81384856499391455362011-08-01T12:27:00.002-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.132-05:00Twenty SomethingI'm growing up all over the place.<br />
<br />
I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-evaluation lately. Mostly because i need a change.<br />
<br />
I crave change.<br />
<br />
In about a month from now I will be 27.<br />
<br />
Three years from thirty.<br />
<br />
I guess this next year of my life is as good a time as any to actually grow up.<br />
<br />
I took out my belly ring for good last night. No amount of glitz and sparkle around my navel (naval?) will ever be enough to make up for the copious amount of deep dark stretch marks that plague my middle. <br />
<br />
No dangling chain of stars will ever make it flat and beautiful again.<br />
<br />
So I figured that maybe I should stop lying to myself, pull the blinders off of my dissillusioned eyes, and take the cursed thing out.<br />
<br />
I already feel more like a grown-up woman.<br />
<br />Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-8489675903765461062011-05-31T10:38:00.001-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.140-05:00Frog Lipsso it's finally happening. I'm leaving the state of Georgia and i'm never going back!<br />
<br />
we head to Maryland a week from today and i couldn't be more excited.<br />
<br />
it's sad that i'll be leaving some awesome friends, but true friendship doesn't dissolve with time and distance.<br />
<br />
<br />
the only thing i'm truly worried about is my cats.<br />
<br />
i'm staring at a 9+ hours car ride with two cats and a 15 month old. <br />
<br />
i've started having night tremors about cat piss in my car. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Mischief will most likely be fine. He'll climb up on my shoulder, impede my ability to check my blind spots, and look out the window the whole time while yowling in my ear and demanding pets. Lady i'm sure will crawl under the seats and piss herself the entire time out of terror.<br />
<br />
she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and on top of that she's a Giant Weenie.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i guess the best i can do is cover the upholstery in plastic sheets, pop a couple of Ronin's diapers on their kitty butts and hope for the best. <br />
<br />
<br />
or keep them in their kennel. which might be the better option.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
i do think they'd look cute in Ronin's Sesame Street diapers though.<br />
<br />
little tails poking through...<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
haha, just had an idea for the Shortest Post Ever: Reasons why Georgia is Awesome.<br />
<br />
it's not.<br />
<br />
end of post.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Krista's Random Thoughts Before Starting her Day:<br />
<br />
1) why did i not capitalize the "h" in "her"? huh.<br />
<br />
2) the lady at Progressive that i talked to today sounded exactly like the chick from Flight Of The Conchords. This chick:<br />
<br />
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i spent the entire time on the phone with her trying not to crack up.<br />
<br />
3) Ronin is eating a muffin in his high chair and dancing because he's so happy about it. Awesome.<br />
<br />
4) If you're not watching the show GLEE then you are missing out on some FANTASTIC music. Music such as this: <br />
<br />
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5) Bridesmaids is a hilarious movie! definitely a "girlfriends" flick. I'm going to miss my girls when i move!<br />
<br />
6) went to get some black nail polish today, and Ronin reaches up to me holding a very pretty shell/coral pink. he picked it out for me! so of course i got it. how could i not?<br />
<br />
7) the Army is packing all of our stuff up for us and hauling it off and away to MD on Friday. we don't leave until Monday or Tuesday. it's gonna be awkward living in an empty townhouse for the weekend with no dishes/beds/couches/tv/microwave/crib/dressers.... <br />
<br />
8) it's taking longer than i expected to get pregnant again. oh well. it just means that my summer clothes will fit me this year <3 the baby will come when it comes. <br />
<br />
9) on an seperate and not-unrelated note, my biological Big Ben is booming away in the back of my mind. I ain't gettin' any younger.<br />
<br />
10) PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS BLOG! i promise that once i get to Maryland i'll be writing more. <br />
<br />
11) My little Brother gets back from his mission to California for the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on the 15th and i'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM TO MEET HIS NEPHEW!! i'm also excited to see him myself; he's pretty awesome!<br />
<br />
<br />
peace, peas, and chicken grease. ugh, gross. nevermind the grease. how about, peace, peas, and homemade nutella chocolate chip cookies?Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-10905817901414763722011-05-15T11:52:00.001-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.151-05:00Unicorns make the best movies.in 21 days i'll be leaving this state forever.<br />
<br />
i've been trapped here for the last 5 years of my life and i am tooooo excited to leave!<br />
<br />
we found a great 4 bedroom townhome in Maryland with a fenced in yard and a decent kitchen, among other wonderful features. i'm chomping at the bit to get packed up and moved. <br />
<br />
the only thing i'm kind of sad about is the fact that i'll have to start kind of all over again making new friends. i'll have a few kind of built-in girl friends in the form of the significant others of Mike's friends so that helps.<br />
<br />
it's going to be.... interesting having two cats and a 15 month old in a car for 9 hours making the drive up to our new home. i have 21 days to live in fear of the cat piss that i'm sure will be spilt in the fabric of my car's seats from a terrified Lady kitty. <br />
<br />
oh joy.<br />
<br />
<br />
next subject.<br />
<br />
i watched two of the most horrible movies ever made yesterday.<br />
<br />
Mazes and Monsters with Tom Hanks and The Rig with The Worst Actors Imaginable.<br />
<br />
i ended up slurping down a bottle of Riesling in order to survive the double horror.<br />
<br />
and now Mike, who FORCED me to watch those two movies, won't watch The Last Unicorn with me.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIoGCKwTWI1VsXU3aQ8rJGHgCKLs6O5KoEHMH2arILG1yFVk0eQhivLfyjQGl2aTzsGP8ak9daJXsgnp_w6HuWkWOlsQtkGGU4xZ7XIuODOQ1oJnLlAQWslcAEmpUegbO0XJYgpbLjzQk/s1600/the_last_unicorn_wallpaper_by_nessaholic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIoGCKwTWI1VsXU3aQ8rJGHgCKLs6O5KoEHMH2arILG1yFVk0eQhivLfyjQGl2aTzsGP8ak9daJXsgnp_w6HuWkWOlsQtkGGU4xZ7XIuODOQ1oJnLlAQWslcAEmpUegbO0XJYgpbLjzQk/s320/the_last_unicorn_wallpaper_by_nessaholic.jpg" height="240" j8="true" width="320" /></a></div>
which is just a crying shame because it's the BEST movie EVER made.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
next subject. <br />
<br />
i'm excited to be pregnant again. clarification; i'm looking forward to it. last time it mellowed me out and made me so incredibly un-neurotic. that sure would be nice.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
so yesterday i was on the stationary bike at the gym pumping hard and it popped into my head that i used to be 17 pounds skinnier than i currently am. It seemed so impossible and such an unattainable goal that it threw me head first into a Miniature Depression Pit. i hopped off the bike, sighed, and went home.<br />
<br />
<br />
aaaaaaand i'm cutting this short because my boy will be waking up from First Nap any second now.<br />
<br />
Top Five Fun Things I've Been Up To Lately:<br />
<br />
1) listening to Maroon 5's newest album. it's AWESOME. <br />
<br />
2) getting a tan on my whitey white white skin. i no longer glow in the dark. thank you. *takes bow*.<br />
<br />
3) attempting to turn my "Don't Pick Me Up" kitty into a "Please Hold Me All The Time And Cuddle Me" kitty. things are going well. she lets me hold her for about ten seconds now before she wants down.<br />
<br />
4) i'm almost out of coffee. wait, that's a bad thing...<br />
<br />
5) dancing while i'm running on the treadmill at the gym. i figure, the more fun i'm having the more i'll work out. so i ignore the looks and chuckles of the on-lookers and i go ahead and get down with my bad self.<br />
<br />
here's something that makes me laugh; not for the sensitive of constitution.<br />
<br />
<br />
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Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-25265831252713873712011-04-17T21:11:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.164-05:00Rainy Day ActivitiesBEST. TATTOO. EVER.<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnBjyPsfdus_hCOjgoYxGwVq7D5AiaS-gokbFJr1_J0ZH7t7-plT1dUDxPHCDzvcFa5dMVy0JGqTgKkqkny44A6-JQiW_dL6M3fGeGei0vLk6Z6kIaAuZymVd5ysaAYLc_BdcgHvfaMOA/s1600/bad_tattoos_15.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnBjyPsfdus_hCOjgoYxGwVq7D5AiaS-gokbFJr1_J0ZH7t7-plT1dUDxPHCDzvcFa5dMVy0JGqTgKkqkny44A6-JQiW_dL6M3fGeGei0vLk6Z6kIaAuZymVd5ysaAYLc_BdcgHvfaMOA/s320/bad_tattoos_15.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
Also.<br />
<br />
Is it raining outside? Did you quit your overly easy job to stick it to the man? Are you a stoner looking for something to do whilst you munch your munchies? Here are a few ideas to take you from:<br />
<br />
<br />
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</div>to:<br />
<br />
<br />
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<br />
Favorite Things To Do When Bored:<br />
<br />
* drive with nearly my entire left leg out the window (thanks ballet training!) and the Moby blasting. be wary of cops though. Cops don't like Moby.<br />
<br />
* bake enormous amounts of cookies, eat two, then try to pawn them off on my friends.<br />
<br />
* go to bing.com and search for images labeled "random" to get inspiration. end up gawking at the dude in the 12 inch spiked heels and the football pads.<br />
<br />
* attempt to bake cornbread correctly. and fail.<br />
<br />
* find new ways to multitask. lately it's doing hip thrust butt squeezes on my bed while playing sudoku on my phone 'til my eyes bleed.<br />
<br />
* carry my cat around the house upside down. he seems to enjoy it.<br />
<br />
* drive around blasting my russian music so people will think i'm foreign and therefore Cool. <br />
<br />
* rearrange things in the house so that i have to hunt them down like vermin the next time i'm in need of Vick's VapoRub or toothpicks.<br />
<br />
* slather lotion on anything that moves in an attempt to use up the collection of bottles that i've been hoarding away.<br />
<br />
* go to the gym, turn up the ipod, and lip-sync all the words to Spice Girls songs while you run. the heavy breathing from the physical exertion actually pumps sound from your pipes, so your treadmill mates get a free concert. bonus win for them/silver lining.<br />
<br />
* if stated treadmill mates give you grief for your impromptu concert, feel free to shake out your sweaty lycra pants on them. don't worry about the logistics of shaking out one's sweaty pants on someone else; just make it happen.<br />
<br />
* Every time someone calls you that day, pretend to work at Burger King and take their order. Insist that they pull around to the second window.<br />
<br />
* finding new ways to be a good party guest. i.e.: bring a few things from the fridge at your next holiday gathering. last one i went to i brought 3 slices of American Cheese, a ziploc baggie of scrambled eggs, a summer sausage, and a few fresh slices of tomahto. yes. you say tomayto, and i indeed say tomahto.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
try these out the next time you get bored or find yourself with way too much time on your hands.<br />
<br />
it makes for good stories to tell your kids.<br />
<br />
or anecdotes to tell your new cell mate...Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-26120773378898398692011-04-17T09:17:00.001-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.177-05:00Old Yeller, Most Accurate Fairy Tale Ever.i'm always searching for the perfect tattoo... and i think i've found it:<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib0izX9nwnenGAykn09P5sIuBEBrSHTX1z2DcLp19OUH4gy4K6gdhgp9gPOeuEsuwAMJkHWYAZpjRAW1NCesBNuycteMCLenkNATnmeXGXgQAS_p3w6zLxFv-4TW2LDG3eMEcpvZzAiJQ/s1600/best+tattoo.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEib0izX9nwnenGAykn09P5sIuBEBrSHTX1z2DcLp19OUH4gy4K6gdhgp9gPOeuEsuwAMJkHWYAZpjRAW1NCesBNuycteMCLenkNATnmeXGXgQAS_p3w6zLxFv-4TW2LDG3eMEcpvZzAiJQ/s320/best+tattoo.jpg" width="240" /></a></div><br />
the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.<br />
<br />
they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.<br />
<br />
it infuriates me.<br />
<br />
why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore? i do.<br />
<br />
i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.<br />
<br />
it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.<br />
<br />
<br />
i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.<br />
<br />
i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?<br />
<br />
who knows.<br />
<br />
<br />
my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.<br />
<br />
<br />
in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck. Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life. <br />
<br />
they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.<br />
<br />
<br />
things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYCIA9Ms1w5jDTXT1dZNjtnxgjIrNwPp-HdZPIXObzndDV8O6jY7sGNS5dRdgS9BPBpLPR_mHSELi9i-AscimqoCuM63nCJ8pAzU7qMyzmiO_E04t98C-1qJr1YUDUyTBXYxUKe1nzDy8/s1600/tears.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="295" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgYCIA9Ms1w5jDTXT1dZNjtnxgjIrNwPp-HdZPIXObzndDV8O6jY7sGNS5dRdgS9BPBpLPR_mHSELi9i-AscimqoCuM63nCJ8pAzU7qMyzmiO_E04t98C-1qJr1YUDUyTBXYxUKe1nzDy8/s320/tears.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks. <br />
<br />
ha, rhyme.<br />
<br />
i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup. <br />
<br />
maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.<br />
<br />
<br />
i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips. writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.<br />
<br />
Things That Are Awful or Awesome:<br />
<br />
1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.<br />
<br />
2) haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.<br />
<br />
3) this week. AWFUL.<br />
<br />
4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.<br />
<br />
5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears, Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.<br />
<br />
6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/Z4bib4PBqGA?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.<br />
<br />
8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.<br />
<br />
9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.<br />
<br />
10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.<br />
<br />
that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.<br />
<br />
i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.<br />
<br />
i'm not.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-26908166186265215992011-04-11T20:51:00.001-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.186-05:00in all honesty i'm just jealous. *EXPLICIT*i wish i could punch strippers in the face. <br />
<br />
or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.<br />
<br />
sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.<br />
<br />
i HATE the stripping "profession". <br />
<br />
i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world. i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....<br />
<br />
and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.<br />
<br />
it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.<br />
<br />
how can i compete?<br />
<br />
now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;<br />
<br />
Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!<br />
<br />
to this I say:<br />
<br />
BullFuckingShit.<br />
<br />
of course i do. <br />
<br />
<br />
when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.<br />
<br />
when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.<br />
<br />
<br />
the fuck do i have to do.<br />
<br />
<br />
i don't think there's anything i can do.<br />
<br />
except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.<br />
<br />
<br />
i'd NEVER do that to another woman's man. <br />
<br />
<br />
what a sick world i live in.<br />
<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><object width="320" height="266" class="BLOGGER-youtube-video" classid="clsid:D27CDB6E-AE6D-11cf-96B8-444553540000" codebase="http://download.macromedia.com/pub/shockwave/cabs/flash/swflash.cab#version=6,0,40,0" data-thumbnail-src="http://0.gvt0.com/vi/5qF_qbaWt3Q/0.jpg"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/5qF_qbaWt3Q&fs=1&source=uds" /><param name="bgcolor" value="#FFFFFF" /><embed width="320" height="266" src="http://www.youtube.com/v/5qF_qbaWt3Q&fs=1&source=uds" type="application/x-shockwave-flash"></embed></object></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-74644757497143979662011-04-07T13:26:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.194-05:00If i could cash in silver linings i would be richthere's something to be said for silver linings. added bonuses. extra wins.<br />
<br />
however you want to label it.<br />
<br />
it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.<br />
<br />
1) I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.<br />
<br />
2) I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know. <br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIG3lPcBpTD-ZOOVsnabcC3XfBw9xMeDD_QypipCHcarJspZDm-LWBYJljX-v0RAdd5zmg8LfPsvp6WxIdo2q-CV0qcO0IZbnmbvnCQwt48RjSOoYKOB8GduEFdsioEetBNAP_2W9oI0k/s1600/tonguefire.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgIG3lPcBpTD-ZOOVsnabcC3XfBw9xMeDD_QypipCHcarJspZDm-LWBYJljX-v0RAdd5zmg8LfPsvp6WxIdo2q-CV0qcO0IZbnmbvnCQwt48RjSOoYKOB8GduEFdsioEetBNAP_2W9oI0k/s1600/tonguefire.jpg" /></a></div>3) This dude's meals from now on will all taste like lighter fluid. And he will never again be able to slurp him some soup. But at least he'll always know where his lighter is when it's late at night and the Arson Compulsion starts to rear it's crackling head...<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikBvqT6g8X5ds64RHS-lX65bOb5oBvka2c5BxFYfgFGzpUufKZjOiLNNEijLMGYWWRmEM3zTOvt7xihHdcl6PsFwdlgXyseWN-nu_uFnzKkfDYaNY5Pbrr28IjlhJ8ZI1IPwYx0HpMxMw/s1600/humor.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikBvqT6g8X5ds64RHS-lX65bOb5oBvka2c5BxFYfgFGzpUufKZjOiLNNEijLMGYWWRmEM3zTOvt7xihHdcl6PsFwdlgXyseWN-nu_uFnzKkfDYaNY5Pbrr28IjlhJ8ZI1IPwYx0HpMxMw/s1600/humor.jpg" /></a></div>4) He may have lost his fingers, hand, and wrist in that fateful ribbon-cutting-ceremony freak accident, but at least he didn't lose his sense of humor. A giant toe. It must have been his facetious response to his buddies' drunken cheers of "walk it off, dude!"<br />
<br />
5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:<br />
<br />
1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.<br />
<br />
2) Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmizIdUuMeDsdJhXFWiEUDgUVeCXem3-goAhaJe7-sNQGLbn-DwapER3ESLVv7zoYb8v-6LMy2vGHbbOLD7g7JL0kJbipdv2-9_zjq45yx0BsH9TFJMX5JWL8MoU4-ovE3237SswPqEjw/s1600/jerryfish.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhmizIdUuMeDsdJhXFWiEUDgUVeCXem3-goAhaJe7-sNQGLbn-DwapER3ESLVv7zoYb8v-6LMy2vGHbbOLD7g7JL0kJbipdv2-9_zjq45yx0BsH9TFJMX5JWL8MoU4-ovE3237SswPqEjw/s1600/jerryfish.jpg" /></a></div>3) Jellyfish: definitely awful. and reason number 4 of Why I Don't Go In The Water.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZ__oV_OM0xH74lZpT50k8XRc5Ut3oK5PhJPbYYYW12-bTpzyYo2oFPj2WKcWtqTqayEiDnsBdrOO8-Fzg7BpJHU9LCZIMcL7s0UvJzGafvwj6iJjU7STT_1zK31MgDAA30fVR08xeHo/s1600/dogbird.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCZ__oV_OM0xH74lZpT50k8XRc5Ut3oK5PhJPbYYYW12-bTpzyYo2oFPj2WKcWtqTqayEiDnsBdrOO8-Fzg7BpJHU9LCZIMcL7s0UvJzGafvwj6iJjU7STT_1zK31MgDAA30fVR08xeHo/s1600/dogbird.jpg" /></a></div>4) Dogbird: Awesome. also, want. Not only is it a delicious alternative to chicken, but when you shoot down one of it's buddies, it will help you find it by flapping over and pointing to it with it's sweet little puppy nose.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKkcRVQizd1bYIqqdS6I_oMqsVC4atL8mMumWgW1fHwVayK73VnGRSmlWQgqvZQJwFkG5BghwN-mDhSyCrbh1PGdBmtdAsAFKiIx2bdEx9vXdi1ayhH1NsqhER9drZelUlmTJCKo3xwrw/s1600/possible.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKkcRVQizd1bYIqqdS6I_oMqsVC4atL8mMumWgW1fHwVayK73VnGRSmlWQgqvZQJwFkG5BghwN-mDhSyCrbh1PGdBmtdAsAFKiIx2bdEx9vXdi1ayhH1NsqhER9drZelUlmTJCKo3xwrw/s1600/possible.jpg" /></a></div>5) Sexy Black Swan inspired back tattoo. Also Awesome. and i would TOTALLY get it done if tattoos weren't so darn permanent.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/KQ6zr6kCPj8?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>6) Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.<br />
<br />
7) Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.<br />
<br />
8) Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...<br />
<br />
9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich. Awesome.<br />
<br />
10) Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.<br />
<br />
<br />
Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-22632210706405307682011-04-04T21:12:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.203-05:00after ten years...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsX0rrGipHDqfm-YEx34cagq-p3KHUbjVGLPB5cMUuwkIRC6Bsa-BEwoxOfDhYfD-tcl1-R1fJ5KIXCS2ovIVeHB9ddF7GcD1bRPfY47EqhTqfReBAr3ohf1e0S2zKvm0pIUUJ9xAr8Vs/s1600/yumm.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsX0rrGipHDqfm-YEx34cagq-p3KHUbjVGLPB5cMUuwkIRC6Bsa-BEwoxOfDhYfD-tcl1-R1fJ5KIXCS2ovIVeHB9ddF7GcD1bRPfY47EqhTqfReBAr3ohf1e0S2zKvm0pIUUJ9xAr8Vs/s320/yumm.jpg" width="240" /></a></div>i finally did it. i went kah-razy with my hair. in case you can't tell, that's pastel bubble-gum pink on top/side with some bright teal on my left side and underneath. boom.<br />
<br />
i'm a wild and out-there kinda gal, in case y'all hadn't already figured it out; so i feel like this hairstyle adequately pinpoints the finer aspects of my bubbly personality.<br />
<br />
i've got quite a bit of Bailey's in me so this is proving to be more difficult than i anticipated so i think i'll just wrap this up.<br />
<br />
<br />
no earth shattering news, no off the walls banter. just an update into how awesome i continually am.<br />
<br />
also, i'm getting mah sexy back. went to the mall and totally got some smiles/stares. in a GOOD way, at that.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:<br />
<br />
1) If i could spend all my (our) money at Victoria's Secret I would. stay posted for pics of me in the VS gear that i bought today. expect it later this month. <br />
<br />
2) Coffee + alcohol = emergency trip to visit the loo.<br />
<br />
3) Now that my "health scare" is over i should probably stop self-medicating with homemade chocolate chip cookies and get my increasingly jiggly ass to the gym.<br />
<br />
4) i am in need of more Booty Shakin' Sweat Drippin' gym music.<br />
<br />
5) having a vagina isn't all Hollywood and Glamour like people would have you believe.<br />
<br />
6) i can't wait for HBO's take on the Song of Fire and Ice series... time ta get mah Nerd on.<br />
<br />
7) i feel sooooo much sexier now that i have pink and teal hair. something about having cotton candy hair makes me feel like a Goddess of Temptation. now if i could only fit into my skinny skinny jeans...<br />
<br />
8) it dawned on me today that i only have 2 more months left in Georgia until i'll be whisked away to Maryland. I'm excited to leave, but i'm really going to miss the incredible people that i've met here. Carina, Kristy; i think i'll miss you two most of all.<br />
<br />
9) All you kids in Austin with guns need to calm the f*ck down. i have many many friends in that beautiful city and i need all of them to stay very much alive. kthnxbai.<br />
<br />
10) i typed "random" into the images search on bing.com and out of all the pictures that popped up; these two are my favorites. Leave a comment and let me know which one you vote for.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid5SJ9n5FAjWjOh5nEqWnJfJXF2rle7lbP7Pqm9m8eX0G3pcTYI8DoYom04sTsioXkucmeKAKzLX4ky9XorgWbJqcZ4YbXgR9_ZOLJbylXFDkvminOcxmyjT04Wl2m3EBIFDZYa3XWhAg/s1600/shorthoist.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEid5SJ9n5FAjWjOh5nEqWnJfJXF2rle7lbP7Pqm9m8eX0G3pcTYI8DoYom04sTsioXkucmeKAKzLX4ky9XorgWbJqcZ4YbXgR9_ZOLJbylXFDkvminOcxmyjT04Wl2m3EBIFDZYa3XWhAg/s320/shorthoist.jpg" width="228" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieqvZuTEaDXjrO8pFUgfT79u4M6rC53HaGPDbEXK1HwfGSP5-MLuiXLvpI3ERU3pXC0zOPYqXrTVFtewWaKf_-PFMeO21ZURX2HyVl3f7gLFvq23RnlfxW6PscIYAB8tyAT8G3OBCV-K4/s1600/shortt.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" r6="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEieqvZuTEaDXjrO8pFUgfT79u4M6rC53HaGPDbEXK1HwfGSP5-MLuiXLvpI3ERU3pXC0zOPYqXrTVFtewWaKf_-PFMeO21ZURX2HyVl3f7gLFvq23RnlfxW6PscIYAB8tyAT8G3OBCV-K4/s320/shortt.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-34090690744338052182011-03-30T09:03:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.211-05:00everyone's got problemsmine just seem to want to eat me.<br />
<br />
which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.<br />
<br />
where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?<br />
<br />
why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".<br />
<br />
i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.<br />
<br />
<br />
where did i go wrong? why am i not enough? <br />
<br />
i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.<br />
<br />
<br />
so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son. <br />
<br />
<br />
it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.<br />
<br />
<br />
i'm so tired but i can't sleep. <br />
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep. <br />
it's funny how i feel so much <br />
but cannot say a word. <br />
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-54249422522205938972011-03-23T22:34:00.000-04:002020-11-10T21:26:46.221-05:00good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now. <br />
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.<br />
<br />
Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.<br />
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces. <br />
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.<br />
<br />
<br />
Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.<br />
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"<br />
<br />
<br />
Problem: Dusting.<br />
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery. <br />
<br />
Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.<br />
<br />
Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.<br />
<br />
Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.<br />
<br />
<br />
what else what else....<br />
<br />
<br />
OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.<br />
<br />
<br />
the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?<br />
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."<br />
<br />
They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.<br />
<br />
Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E C-A-N D-O I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.<br />
<br />
<br />
and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more. <br />
<br />
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:<br />
<br />
1. I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.<br />
<br />
2. I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops. <br />
<br />
3. I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.<br />
<br />
4. i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-88241238793398167262011-02-21T22:33:00.000-05:002020-11-10T21:26:46.231-05:00slow down, uterus.it is way too early for morning sickness. i mean, i don't even know if my Eggo is Preggo or not, yet. <br />
<br />
all i know is that for the last three days i've been very nauseated in the morning and sometimes into the afternoon. <br />
<br />
i tried cutting out my morning coffee, still felt like barfing.<br />
i tried cutting out my morning vitamins, still felt like blowing chunks.<br />
<br />
so here are my guesses:<br />
<br />
1. I have a stomach virus that somehow magically disappears in the afternoon.<br />
2. I have been knocked up with some very eager sperm that is chomping at the bit to get my pregnancy hormones swirling and my breakfast twirling into the toilet.<br />
<br />
i may have been knocked up twice, judging by how icky i've felt the last three days. perhaps i've been invaded by twins? time will tell.<br />
<br />
The Countdown Until Krista Pees On A Stick:<br />
<br />
Eleven days. <br />
<br />
but i may cheat and have my blood drawn and tested when i take my WonderBoy Ronin in for his 1 Year appointment at the hospital.<br />
<br />
it's so fun being a woman.<br />
<br />
<br />
but i feel like there's a tad too much vomit and blood involved in having two X chromosomes.<br />
<br />
that's just me.<br />
<br />
<br />
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:<br />
<br />
1. i need a new hobby. i finished all my sudoku books, i counted and rolled Mike's penny collection, and my toes are neatly pedicured. dot dot dot. now what? thumb twiddle. question mark.<br />
<br />
2. it is decided that i enjoy typing out emoticons instead of making them. smiley face. winky face. kissy face. oh the joy.<br />
<br />
3. had a Grilled Krista (without the pepperoni) at 9:30 and almost immediately regretted the decision to eat it.<br />
<br />
4. Ronin walked around Walmart today holding a kiwi. he was scared of it because it's furry, at first, but Mike touched it and held it out for him, and Ronin grabbed it and didn't let it go. he showed it to several ladies doing their grocery shopping, then spotted me and ran to me holding it out in front of him. we ended up buying it. i love my boy!<br />
<br />
5. i need to start stretching more. that's it.<br />
<br />
<br />
goodnight everyone. <br />
<br />
winky face.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4784175923045010996.post-18590221333146136052011-02-20T22:21:00.001-05:002020-11-10T21:26:46.242-05:00survey says...so i decided to do one of those surveys that's floating out in cyber space.<br />
<br />
i've got my headphones on, my itunes set to my current favorite songs (mostly from the Glee soundtracks, some Florence and The Machine, and i admit, a little Britney Spears), and one of my cats curled up at my feet.<br />
<br />
it's go time.<br />
<br />
Krista's Dumb Survey That I Found Floating About Wildly In CyberSpace:<br />
<br />
1. What's your most favorite bumper sticker you've ever seen? It had 4 deformed smiley faces on it and it read "Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music". Kristen Rains knows what I'm talking about. We were 14ish and it was about the funniest thing we'd ever seen. I have yet to see one that tops it in both shock value and mirth.<br />
<br />
2. Do you sing in the shower? Often and Poorly. Also I hold conversations with myself. I have to. If i get too bored i end up just standing there letting the water roll over me as i fall deeper and deeper into a vegetative state. that's how zombies are REALLY created.<br />
<br />
3. Are you guilty of showing to much PDA? Don't be ridiculous. I hug and kiss and tiny-hump with reckless abandon. Why, just tonight i groped my husbands man-boobs quite vehemently at a Going Away/Get Together/Barbeque at a friend's house. I have no shame. Life is too short to be embarassed about cupping your husbands junk in public. Not that I do. Well, not that often anyways.<br />
<br />
4. What's the best smell in the world? My little baby boy after he's had Bathtime. He's all full of joy and reeks of Johnson's baby detergent or whatever it's called and it's just magical. Love my boy.<br />
<br />
5. Which of your current friends have you known the longest? oh sheesh. um.... That'd be my JESSICA!!!she's about as goofy as i am, and that's what makes her a rock star.<br />
<br />
6. Do you say Ca-RI-bbean or Carib-BE-an? RI. what a stupid question. who screens these?<br />
<br />
7. Do you drip-dry after a shower/bath? No. i am not a dog. nor am i a wildebeest. also, i am not a child, raised by wolves, living amongst the lush flora of the tropics. i have a humongous bath SHEET, not towel, that i wrap around and around my person upon exiting the Cleansing Portal. <br />
<br />
8. For toilet paper: Do you wad or fold it before use? I believe that we should Hybrid-itize everything. Therefore, i do both. i also charge my toilet paper, as well as fill it with premium gasoline. it's all about taking those baby steps towards a greener lifestyle.<br />
<br />
9. What's the best animal to sing about in Old McDonald? WOMBATS. hands down. without a doubt. it just gets a tad tricky when you get to the part where you have to sing about the sound they make.... They definitely do not say "wombat wombat" as i have been informed. i still hold that they might. it's not impossible; therefore it should not be discounted. I'm not about to label wombats as lesser creatures that can't even say their own names. <br />
<br />
10. If you could paint your room any way you want it, what would it look like? it would look like the inside of Candy Mountain. Complete with lickable paint. The Schnauzberries taste like Schnauzberries.<br />
<br />
11. Have you ever flipped off your mother or father? never. I do not want to die.<br />
<br />
12. Which of your closest friends would be easiest to date? oh. um.... sheesh. uh.... MY HUSBAND!!!!! again, stupid question. i WILL smack you upside da hed.<br />
<br />
13. Which of your closest friends would be hardest to date? ugh. this survey was clearly manufactured for 13 year olds. no offense to any 13 year old readers that i might possibly have out there in InterwebLand.<br />
<br />
14. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear? Absolutely i do. they're white (because white is my favorite...shade... to wear) and they have lace and little bows on the hips and say stuff all over them. i'd write what they say, but i can't remember and my Naughties Drawer is <em>all the way over there </em>and my bed is <strong>sooo comfy....</strong><br />
<br />
15. If so, what do they look like? oh. oops. um, let's just say you didn't skip number 14 because you were bored to thick, bloody tears.<br />
<br />
16. Do you always use your turn signal? yes. so much in fact that i am becoming that Old Inept Woman Driver that leaves her turn signal on as she drives down the road, under the speed limit, not turning or having any intention to turn.<br />
<br />
17. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? ooh. i have actually. maybe... 4 years ago? i'd never played before and i wanted to check it off of my bucket list. it got a little weird. we had the rule that the bottle landed where it landed, and you had to kiss the person it landed on, even if it was same sex. and there had to be tongue. and it had to be at least 3 seconds. oddly enough, the guys attacked it with gusto when it landed on another guy. it's always more fun when everyone commits, i suppose. winky smiley face.<br />
<br />
18. Have you ever dated someone that your closest friend didn't approve of? dude, who cares.<br />
<br />
19. Can you do a cartwheel? Hell yeah I can do a cartwheel. What kind of un-American theiving thug bunny-killer do you think i am? Of course i can do a f*cking cartwheel.<br />
<br />
20. What time is it? it always is and forever will be Hammer Time. Can't touch this. I'm too legit.<br />
<br />
21. Do you ever check surveys for correct spelling and grammar? Life is also too short to worry about spelling and grammar when you're posting a survey just for shytes and giggles on your blog page that you keep up to entertain, and not make millions of dollars from. Also Capitalization. i'll make big letters when i FEEL like making big letters.<br />
<br />
22. Did it bother you I ended a question with a preposition? Screw you and your preposition. though i admit that at first my brain read the word "proposition" and that i was puzzled for a moment thinking "hey,.... i didn't see any proposition..."<br />
<br />
23. Do you know what a preposition is? A preposition is where you get too damn lazy to think of another thought provoking question so you start lecturing us all on parts of speech with a "holier than thou" attitude that is not appreciated and will no longer be tolerated. I'm going to find your house and write the word FART on all of your windows with superglue and gummy bears. you're welcome for the Permanent Delicious Treat.<br />
<br />
24. Type of internet connection? i have one. why does it matter. doesn't just about everyone have cable these days? does anyone still dial up? leave me a comment if you do and i will send you a check so that you can have normal interwebs like the rest of us, you poor dears.<br />
<br />
25. Did you ever play in boxes as a kid? YES!!! we cut out windows and hung Fabric Scrap Curtains and drew furniture on the inner walls in chalk and just had the best time. screw these thousand dollar playhouses kids have nowadays. cardboard boxes are the shit.<br />
<br />
26. Do you know anyone who doesn't like chocolate? my poor future sister in law Crystal. she's allergic. i weep for all that she's missing. although, she's hella skinnier than i am. so maybe i should find some Chocolate Death Allergic pills and get me some I-May-Die-If-I-Eat-This-Cheesecake in me.<br />
<br />
27. What's the longest time you've gone without shaving your legs? let's see.... how many months was i pregnant and alone because my hubby was deployed overseas? that's right. enough to make my Razor try to dive into the toilet to avoid the Shear Terror (pun!) that was sure to ensue when i finally decided that the nurses at the hospital would probably not appreciate having to run their fingers through my leg-hair while delivering my child.<br />
<br />
28. Which finger is your favorite? -- i confess i made up this question. the other one was intolerable. let's see. favorite finger. gonna have to say my left thumb. it's proportionally my slimmest digit, and i broke it when i was 9 and it clicks and sticks now. it's special. we're friends. *tiny finger embrace*<br />
<br />
29. Have you ever said something because you thought it was funny, but right after you say it you wish you hadn't? yes, but i usually follow it up with "wow this humble pie is delicious" or "i need some toast for this toe jam that i have stuck between my teeth as a result of having shoved my entire foot into my oral cavity". and that cancels out my audible faux pax and gets me off the hook. win.<br />
<br />
30. What does subpoena mean? it means that i am also going to super glue my fingernail clipping from the last year to your bedroom floor. congratulations. Nail Clippings Carpet. enjoy.<br />
<br />
31. Did you think about going to dictionary.com to look it up? i thought about also adding ketchup to your shower head so that you get a nice surprise tomorrow when you get in the shower to wash off your daily amassing of Stupid and Shame.<br />
<br />
32. When was your last date? PreValentine's day, which is when the CUSTERS properly celebrate love and togetherness. but that's another story for another day. or maybe not. it gets a little icky. Mike know's what i'm talking about. there was definitely vomit involved. and duck pancakes. i'm serious. duck pancakes.<br />
<br />
33. How many MySpace friends do you have? haha, zero. not even Tom wants to be my friend. but i do have 450 friends on Facebook. feel free to find and add me, readers. smiley face. i'd love to have you!<br />
<br />
34. Have you ever peed in the shower? yes. as Nemo said, all drains lead to the ocean. so... actually no, then. because technically i'm peeing in the ocean. and they thought BP was the one killing plankton or whatever it was. Algae? who cares. i'm over it. on to the next disaster.<br />
<br />
35. Can you count to 20 in Spanish? claro que si. y yo soy una Chola, y te voy a matar. so there.<br />
<br />
36. Anything really odd turn you on? when i walk around in a little undershirt and my Cheeky Power Undies. it makes me feel sexy. which is saying something because mostly i just feel like a gelatenous blob of eww.<br />
<br />
37. How do you hold the steering wheel when you're driving? 10 and 2. because i am an adult.<br />
<br />
38. How would you describe your high school experience in exactly 5 words? Dancing concerts eat discovery unicorns. whew. Go ME!!!<br />
<br />
39. Is Alex Trebek the smartest man alive? negative. my Daddy is!!<br />
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40. What celebrity do you look most like? I've heard Meryl Streep. you decide:<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiksJmOHb9SRJVL43WI9hw9AYInq1_SxcuAtCV0hZhsI20jNOMXRQY2E8ZIEzgrORd17pXaWCf4fdukERCnmQFe9cJUbxKt-rlxhC0r2iwmFzIMIy0Vld5WAI0rfuETtfb7Ejf3aIltXLk/s1600/prettyme3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiksJmOHb9SRJVL43WI9hw9AYInq1_SxcuAtCV0hZhsI20jNOMXRQY2E8ZIEzgrORd17pXaWCf4fdukERCnmQFe9cJUbxKt-rlxhC0r2iwmFzIMIy0Vld5WAI0rfuETtfb7Ejf3aIltXLk/s320/prettyme3.jpg" height="320" j6="true" width="240" /></a></div>
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41. How often do you change your MySpace song? about as often as i play my records or put on my poodle skirt.<br />
42. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4. which i know is kind of scant for a woman. i need some sandals...<br />
<br />
43. Are your earlobes attached or unattached? swinging so fancy free....<br />
<br />
44. Did you just touch an ear to check? ugh. yes. you got me. is this survey over yet? i don't think i'll ever do this again.<br />
<br />
45. Which is grosser: finger hair or toe hair? toe hair most definitely. it incubates all day in sweaty feet juices which adds to the repulsion. although finger hair is also far from sexy. SHAVE YOUR HANDS, ROBERT PATTINSON. no one wants to see your gorilla knuckles caressing ANYONE.<br />
<br />
46. What time is it now? Hammer Time. don't make me tell you again.<br />
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47. How much ice do you put in your drinks? none. i have no patience for ice. it's never on my side. it blocks the flow of liquid from entering my mouth, and then it gangs up on me and jumps me when i'm not expecting it at the end of my drinking experience.<br />
<br />
48. How often do you floss? maybe once a week. i'm a model citizen.<br />
<br />
49. Does lip gloss really "pop?" Once when i was 12 i wrote "no body likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll just go home and commit suicide" on my desk because i was tired of being teased and crying every day, and the next day the teacher called me up to her desk and yelled at me for it. which did not help things. bottom line; if you run across a child writing or saying things like that, MAYBE you should take it SERIOUSLY. maybe they'd have less mental issues as adults and they wouldn't feel the urge to vomit everytime after they ate.<br />
<br />
50. Do you watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials? guilty. unless the Broncos are playing. the Texans will get there <strong><em>eventually.</em></strong> i firmly believe in Texas football. except the stupid cowboys.<br />
<br />
51. Do you know anyone who is Canadian? MYYYYY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if she's not... then... she wants to be? i dunno. I'm sorry Shelly, i've wanted to give you a shout-out this whole survey and we got to this one and you were the first person i thought of!! Love ya! and thanks for the idea to do a survey. i'm having fun! and hopefully my readers are too...<br />
<br />
52. Do you have a farmer's tan? HA!! no. i have Mama's tan. which is NO tan. not even old tan lines. it's been almost 2 years since i've been outside to sunbathe. sigh. i'd call my color "eggshell white".<br />
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53. Do you like licking the sticky part of the envelope? only if it's sweet. but i've switched to tape. i'm afraid of anthrax. yes. still.<br />
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54. Which foot hits the floor first when you get out of bed? the tired one.<br />
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55. Who was the US's only bachelor President? Obama!! oh, you didn't say Frat Boy? sorry. my bad. shouldn't just skim over the questions before i answer them.<br />
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56. What's your favorite Tom Hanks movie? i like the one where he plays a hunter/gatherer hippie that develops multiple personality disorder and then travels to the future where his woman is married to someone else and life sucks all the way around. i think it was called "WILLLLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!". <br />
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<br />
<br />
well, i hope y'all enjoyed that. i'm going to go downstairs and saw off my left leg because it's just about to murder me with pain until i die from it. also i'm thirsty. leave comments! <br />
<br />
and get to sleep yourselves. President's day only comes once a year, after all.Ashleyhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15118382171350891078noreply@blogger.com2