Saturday, March 17, 2012

Pregnant Beeches be CRAY-ZAY!

Beeches. as in multiple Beech trees.

i'm sure they're all mentally unsound when they are with child.


my hormones are taking over and it's alarming how very OK with it i am...... devilish grin. smiley face.

Tiny Example: i'm eating my Feelings in the form of Chocolate Ice Cream and a Strawberry Lemon-Cream cupcake. the flavors dont exactly mix but i'm shoveling it in so fast that i don't care.

Medium Example: Started crying uncontrollably while listening to this song in the car and thinking about my husband, son, and unborn child-
pretty self explanatory really.

Large Example: A week and a half ago someone stole our trash can from out in front of our house after the garbage truck came by. A day later my husband spotted it sitting in plain sight in our next door neighbor's back yard. (this is the same family that claims "Chris", name changed to protect his identity.... like i care... who stole all the food out of our pantry, cleaned out boxes of frozen meats from our freezer, his crackhead girlfriend stole my expensive brand new unused shampoo and conditioner, trashed our back yard, and left my kitchen a sticky mess.) to be clear, OUR trash can is light light light grey with a forest green lid. all of THEIR trash cans are black, lid-less, and have their address painted on the side. so there was no reason to believe that it was an "honest mistake of identity". those Triflin' Bitches straight up stole it. and that Friday, at the next garbage pick up the can didn't come back out front. by Monday, the Piss and also the Vinegar had built up inside me, and heated to the boiling point or whatever the cliche is. so the Hubby and i started to make plans.

     Plan A: Steal the trash can back in the night... as their back fence's gate is broken and has been laying on the ground for months now. However, i frown on trespassing. in Texas, Trespassing on private property CAN and USUALLY WILL involve the use of Firearms. Preggo Krista ain't into it.
     Plan B: Take our trash bags over and put them in OUR can during the light of day. If we were caught, we'd say something dumb like "oh, don't mind me. just using MY trash can that MaGiCaLLy lives in YOUR backyard now"
     Plan C: Knock on their front door, and when they open it hand them our trash bags and ask if they can put it in our trash can that they stole.

     Plan D: in a fit of rage, take the trash bag out of the front yard where it was ready for the next morning's pick up, take it to my backyard, and hurl it wildly and loudly AT my trash can next door.

This ultimately proved to be the most effective plan. A wild animal tore open the bag that night (which had landed.... Near.... my trash can), which resulted in Ronin's used UNHOLY ANATHEMA-filled diapers being strewn across their yard. Muah. Ha. Ha.

What happened?

they waited until about 5pm or so.... then "cleaned" it up by dumping it all in our trash can, and they deposited it back in front of our houses.

Thanks Bi-otch!

i felt so...... JUSTIFIED and vengeful tossing that bag over the dividing fence.

so, bottom line: hooray for hormones. they let me DO WHAT I WANT!!

tell you what though, this is Krista's LAST pregnancy. ever. sorry Hubby, i know you wanted one thousand babies. kiss your dream of the last 998 goodbye. it aint happening.

Reason 1: I severely detest giving myself a shot every day.... even though it "prevents" possible blood-clot related Mommy Death.
Reason 2: as my belly gets bigger i find that i can no longer comfortably pee with my knees together. gotta pee like a man pooping.... knees apart. which doesn't help my already laughable Urine Aiming Talent that like most women, i suffer from.
Reason 3: I'M FAT!!
Reason 4: If my boobs get bigger with each pregnancy, and they're THIS HUGE on THIS one at only 17 weeks in, then i'm going to snap my spine trying to hold them up if i get knocked up again. As it is, i'm overly nervous about when my "milk comes in". Although, my Hubby ASSURES ME that my heaven-sent sweater-puppies are in fact devine.
Reason 5: My husband has VICIOUS MUTANT MURDER-SPERM. you saw how my last kid turned out. He was (and is) perfect and handsome and utterly endearing and sweet. but he did try his best to mutilate me in the process of his glorious entrance into the World of the Living. This next kid might have me pushing up daisies as it is; finish what it's brother started. and..... i'm too..... fun to die? Funny? friendly? random? uhhhhhhhh i'm definitely too SOMETHING to die. i don't know. let me know if you have something that can fit here: "Krista is too ________ to die."

And to close, one of my personal favorite endings....

10 Cute Things That Ronin has done Lately:

1. The "i'm pulling it from a Full Cry-Face to see if you're still watching" Cry Face.

2. Ronin has switched from calling me Mom to MOMMY! in varying degrees of volume which i find impossibly endearing.

3. He like to crawl under to covers with me and we both say "Comfy Cozy!" which, coming out of his mouth sounds like "domdy dohdy".

4. Put a paper bag over his face and put his hands and face through the hole it'd cut out of it for him, then walked around the house, bumping into things saying "i dee do dobot" (translation: i am a robot).

5. He likes to "play" with the kittens with their new Feathers-on-a-stick toy. Well, he calls it play, Mike and I call it Potential Vet Hospital Emergency visit. He also likes to project his LED light stars up on the wall for Mischief to bat at.

6. Speaking of cats, Ronin's favorite game is "Ronin's A Kitty"! he crawls along the top of the couch going "meowme meowme" meowmommy"...... 

7. He likes to play Tents with Papa. they climb up on Mama and Papa's Big Bed and Ronin says Tent! Tent Papa! Mike pulls the covers up and over then and then all i hear for the next 5 to 10 minutes or so is hushed giggles and "sillly papa" from the other room.

8. So that The Simpsons's opening theme song is one of Ronin's favorite songs. and now he's interactive with it. He'll also point at the door to the music room for Lisa to leave!

9. Ronin has been giving the Baby (encased in it's bump on my belly) a kiss every night before bed time. the other afternoon we were just cuddling on the couch and i said "Ronin, where's the baby?"
he reaches over and pats my tummy saying "BeeeeBee Mommy". then he LEANS IN and puts his cheek next to my belly and puts his arms around me so he could give the baby his first hug from his big brother. i LOVED it soooooooooo much.

10 a few nights ago Mike and I put on Ronin's ULTIMATE FAVORITE SONG; The Credit Song for Portal 1 called "Still Alive" shown here:
the song itsself starts at 45ish seconds into the clip. it's cute, it's short, hell..... i'ts MY favorite song too.

so we put this on and Ronin squeals in the delight, he holds onto the Kindle that it's playing on, and proceeds to spin around and around i can only suppose out of joy.... though me might be trying to initiate a sudden acute onset of Vertigo. but it was so cute. even after he sat down because he was too dizzy, it wasn't enough so when he fell onto his side that's where he ended up watching the last few notes.

I'm sure i have more things to write about buuuuuttttttttttsaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.....

Please leave comments here or on my facebook page which is on my profile page on here if you need to find it.

Per shmittles! next time we talk, we'll know if there's another Custer Man coming or a Custerlette.  Cast your votes and make your voting pools now. due date is Aug 27..... go. just make sure i get a cut of the winnings. preferrably in the form of diapers.

I love y'all! and if you know anyone that needs a chuckle or a laugh or would otherwise enjoy my blog then please share it. i dont get any profit for what i write, i just like to write and laugh and spread some happy around.



  1. Loved this post!!! Also, Krista is too AWESOME to die...lots of love,

  2. You know my daughter, the genius, has preggo brain when she misspells genius!!!sorry girl, no matter how much you wish it to be so, there will never be an o in genius. Also, my vote for Custerette counts quadruple. Go team Esmerie!

  3. LOVE IT!!! LMBO abt the trash...and Ronin is so cute!!! Cathy


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