Saturday, September 29, 2012

Barry White and other Sexy Stuff

How does one make a soundtrack for a raunchy book? Let's say, a book like Fifty Shades of Grey.

I doubt it would have anything to do, at all, with the book. I'd be willing to bet my lacy knickers that it would just be a whole slew of funky tunes to groove, grind and get some sweet lovin' to.

Either a ton of Barry White, or just a whole album of non-descript instrumental naughty music.

Either way, I wouldn't buy the soundtrack. I'm cheap. I'd rather just hum my own little dirty-ditty to myself as I read.

I don't think I'd ever make it in the prestigious porn music business. No one can get off to an upbeat, peppy tune of "bom, chee, bom bom buh chee chee, boom dee, bom bom ba dee dee" that I would try to pass off as sensual.

I have difficulty creating sexiness. You know, actions, situations, "come hither" looks. Not suprising as my Libido is about as smoldering and spicy as a bucket of slugs, wet with the morning dew.

Mmm... What's cookin' good lookin'?
In other news...

I'm losing my "baby weight" that I gained with my daughter at an.... acceptable rate. well, i supposed I could even call it a good rate, considering the fact that i haven't been medically cleared for exercise since i was sawed in half and pryed open with the Jaws of Life.

My loving, delicious hunk of Man Meat of a husband tells me most every day how good I'm looking, and that I'm beautiful. Here's how today's conversation went:

Mike: You're looking so great, Honey! I gotta admit, when you walked away from me in the mall today, I was enjoying watching that Badonkadonk sway!
Me: Thanks, Babe. I'm getting it back!
Mike: You never lost it.
Me: Um.... then... I have some pictures for you to look at. (referencing my 2010 Rise to Blimp-hood)
Mike: Ok, maybe last pregnancy, when you got up past 200 pounds, you might have been pushing it a little.
Me: Well, I wanted to see if I could make it work in the Double Century realm. It turns out it wasn't cute. Not cute at all. I might have lost it then, it might have gone south fast, really fast.
Mike: It might have wandered away....
Me: Yeah, it was.... something.

But still cute, though, right?

In a nearly related note; i keep having these stressful sex dreams in which i wake up just seething with anger.... foaming at the mouth.... other angry autonomic bodily responses.

the one i had last night went thusly.
I was cuddling with one of Mike's Army buddies, telling him about my problems, hopes, dreams, feeling etc, and he's listening and chiming in appropriately and sweetly and for all intents and purposes i'm having an emotional affair.
which i'm fine with.
because in the dream Mike is furious with me for even being there where everyone is, because i'm "messing up the firewall and now he can't download his porn, get off, or meet up with other people".

i woke up the next morning, stayed mad for a good hour, and then decided that YES it was just a dream, my husband is still my loving husband, and i dont need to go a-murderin' yet.

also, i'm not going to the mall again until i'm under 150 pounds. i went today and nearly instantly regreted that decision.

yike. too tired to finish. going to bed. and NOT in the fun way, mind you.


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