The burst happened two days ago

I'm angry.

Good God I am so very fucking angry.

I'm coated with it.

I have to hold all these things together and I am barely scraping by.

And then there is the ever-present pool of hurt and betrayal that encircles me, piercing me over and over with each whirl down, a callous snare that drags me into the deep.

I'm kicking and splashing and screaming as loud as I can, but the water does what it does by nature. It crushes me, it steals my energy, it pulls me down and down and down.

What do I have? How can I possibly be everything that I feel that I should be to be accepted and loved? Where is my devotion? My wholeheartedness. Why does this have to be so hard? How long do I struggle before I give up?

Can't it bring me peace instead of only pangs of defeat?


I find myself  in empty parking lots and screaming. Screaming until my breath is gone and my tears have all been driven out of me in exodus, falling from my cheeks.

My heart has fallen into nothingness. It throbs, it suffocates. But in this darkness I can't find it.

I don't know where it is.

If I give up my search the fluttering beats may give way to silence.

I don't know if i'm okay with that.

I had to say something or i'd burst.

It happened again.

We're supposed to bring each other happiness, love, peace, but there is so much hurt in the way.

Will it always be this hard?

Will I always feel less and less important, less beautiful, less loved every time?

I feel gutted.

I feel humiliated.

I feel like a huge, fat, worthless, stupid  disappointment.

Maybe it's my fault? I've been broken for so long. I've been terribly overweight for so long. Maybe that's why he looks elsewhere. Maybe that's why he hides. Why he strays. Why he collects women more attractive than me.

But how am I supposed to deal with it? How can I not feel like I'm worse at so many things when I see his ideal women? I judge myself. I find myself lacking.

Maybe I will just never be enough for him. Maybe I will always have to live with that painful realization.

Why do I stay?
Why do I remain fully faithful?

This... thing... that happens, it makes me want to do the same thing. To cause pain. To cause hurt, feelings of hopelessness, of inadequacy. But my nature holds me back. I'm devoted.

Hopelessly devoted.