No more.

i wont be writing on this blog anymore for anyone else but myself.
i just.... i can't.
things are too delicate.
i'm too fragile.
maybe some day i'll publish the blogs that I've been writing lately, and the ones that i will be writing, but for now I've made them for my eyes only.

i just thought i'd put this out there in case anybody i know stumbles back onto this blog and wonders what happened.

that's it.

i give up.


i fucking give up.

you win.


i cant fight you anymore. i cant keep begging for you to love me fully. i cant keep hoping that i'm your dream girl, that i'm all you want.


i'm fat and disgusting. i know that.

there are millions of beautiful women and men out there that you can go and fuck.


i am so furious at you. i hate you for this. i hate myself because i love you and i want you to want me and only me.


no one else will ever find me attractive. no one else will ever love me. so what choice do i have? the only thing i can do is sit back and watch you give in to every impulse and go fuck yourself to exhaustion.


so go ahead. go have meaningless, shallow, fleeting, stupid sex with every person who will have you. i hope it makes you happy. i hope your endless mindless fucking will fulfill you and bring happiness and meaning to your life. monogamy and being with  me doesn't seem to give you any of that so fuck it.

to be honest, i want to kill myself. i  don't want to be alive anymore. i want to be dead. this is impossible for me to bear.


i was punching myself two days ago because i had to do something. my brain was screaming END IT. i wanted to purge. i wanted to starve myself. i wanted to take all my meds and just be done. the bruise on my shoulder is huge.

but you know what?

i fucking can't.

i can't do that to our children. i could never do that to them.

so what do i do? what can i do. i want to die. this is all way to much.

so what do you want? what do you want from me? what do you want me to do?

WHAT DO I DO?


i give up. i just fucking give up.