Row Your Boat 2011 Edition

i love being a mom, but i'm having a reeeeeeeally hard time getting into children's music.

specifically the ones that haven't been updated since the dark ages. or thereabouts.

i'm talking about "Ring Around The Rosie" and "All Around The Mulberry Bush" and other completely useless songs like that. they teach NOTHING to our children, except for the fact that it's hilarious when everyone gets the bubonic plague and dies and "we all fall down". excellent value teach.  death is funny.

what kind of sick twisted people are still pushing this frightening song on our impressionable toddlers?

i propose that we revise a few songs. you know, change them up and make them more relevant and current.

I'm going to do the world a HUGE service and fix these terrible meaningless songs for our posterity. here's an example. sing this one to your kids to the tune of Old MacDonald:

"Oh! Don't play in dark alley ways, or you will get butt-raped. Prostitutes and Addicts too, HIV abounds! with an AIDS! AIDS! here and a SPARE CHANGE? there, feces piles, broken glass, thugs will pounce and beat your ass. So don't play in dark alley ways, they're no fun for you!"

or try this delightful song on for size. sing this to your sleeping tot to London Bridge Is Falling Down:

"Don't stick sharp things in your eye! It will hurt. You Will Cry. Outlets aren't for forks or knives, Naive baby."

or change up Row Row Row your boat and sing this catchy tune:

"She is not 18, LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE!! Or the cops will jail your ass for your intent to bone."

You're welcome, Earth.

More to come in my upcoming debut album, Krista's Cautionary Tales and Sing-Along Songs; available soon on iTunes and Amazon.com


OMG CAKE WANT. but cake cannot have. sigh.

i'm down to 138lbs. it's still not the 120 that i want, but it's a hell of a lot better than the 202 pounds that i started with. thank you Taco Bell. you nacho cheese peddling bastards.

i'm watching Marky Mark Talks To Trees, also known as "The Happening" and i'm amazed at the stereotypes that they shamelessly threw in there.

for example they first pan to West Virginia where there are two older women knitting and watching TV in gas masks. Because that's obviously all that West Virginia has to offer. Knitting octagenarians.
after that they show 8 Cubans crammed into a bathtub in Florida, because there are clearly only Cubans in Florida.
then they show white rednecks in Nebraska all in green camo getting their guns and ammo together to "take on the terrorists" or whatever. i think they'll be dissappointed when they discover it's not Al Quaeda they have to worry about but the insatiable BLOODLUST of Weeping Willows.

thank you M. Night Shamalamalan for painting an accurate portrait of America's populace.  you're keeping prejudice and stereotypes alive and for that we are indebted to you.



10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:

1)  In the course of my gym workout today i ran for a full 9 and 1/2 minutes straight. and I NEVER run. so yay me.

2)  i did NOT make more Nutella Brownies even though i reeeeeeeally wanted to.

3)  I couldn't find the Lucashoff Riesling that i wanted at Harvards, but i got a bottle of Riesling that yelled at me to RELAX from the label. and i intend to RELAX.

4) i am not a crazy old lady like the paranoid one in Marky Mark Talks To Trees... oops, The Happening.

5)  i am not a murderous spruce tree either.

6)  i fought with every ounce of my will power against my bulemia today and i beat the urge to purge. WIN!

7)  even though three cars were broken into in my apartment complex, we were fortunate enough to not be burgled. Safety Win!

8)  i just found out what that winged guy on the X-Men movie's real name is: Ben Foster.

9)  i bought a toilet plunger today and i made it through the store and checkout lane without even blushing, even though it felt like the shamiest Walk Of Shame.

10)  With the help of an old friend i was able to post more pictures of my Sexy 2008 Body on facebook. it's my goal to get back to being that tight and toned and that sexy and tan!



whup whup whup whup gooodnight.