good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!

here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.

Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.



Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.


Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"


Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.

Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.



Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.

Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.

Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.


what else what else....


OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.


the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."

They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.

Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E   C-A-N   D-O   I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.


and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.

Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.

2.  I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.

3.  I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.

4.  i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.



toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.