a kumquat, by any other name...

feeling eclectic, feeling electric, excited to get my....fuzzy on and i feel like i should actually write something. so i'm just going to write everything and anything that comes to mind.


i get... sooooooooooo much dried baby yogurt on my face by the end of the day. it's surreal. it's uncalled for. and mostly, it's sticky. i need a miniature personal squeegee to hang around my neck so i can scrape it off of my chin and cheeks during the day.

i love you. all of you. so there. just shoving my love into all of your faces on the bloggie. jamming up all of your interwebs with my affection.  you read my words, and you tell your friends, and you don't send hate mail.  it's those little things that get me through the day.

so. blogging is supposed to be about honesty, right? so maybe i should be honest. i found myself yesterday in the Rite Aid parking lot racing inside to buy some water on my way to the gym. i was hurrying so that i could drink it, and make it to the gym in time to make myself throw up before my dinner digested cuz i felt so gross and out of control for eating so much for dinner that night.  it was then, walking back to the car, drinking my water, when i said aloud to myself "i think i have a problem".  good for me. self-five. i went through the therapy for my bulemia months and months and months ago, i took the antidepressants, but now i'm off of them and i'm all neurotic feeling and i'm back to the barfing. but at least i recognize that perhaps i have a habit that is unhealthy and undesirable. now, as for the remaining 11 out of 12 steps, meh. i'll get to them. eventually. 

ok. i'm done with that topic!! please, no concerned comments and "don't hurt yourself"s. i know y'all care and i'm very informed about my predicament. i love y'all. with fervor.

i can't bring myself to eat a Kumquat. i know it's a fruit, but no one makes kumquat juice, no one makes kumquat fruit filled pastries, so... i'm disinclined to think that it's tasty.  no one talks about them either. what did the Kumquat ever do to humanity to deserve such disdain? why is the kumquat such a largely ignored fruit? i wish i cared enough to find out. like i said; i can't bring myself to put one in my mouth. maybe if they changed the name to something more appetising.

i don't like talking on the phone. i like texting though. i'd much rather text someone than talk on the phone. or talk face to face. there's just something about a vocal phone conversation that rubs me the wrong way. i guess it's cuz i hear inflections and emphasis on what the other person says, but i can't see the body language. and 80% or so of allllllllllllllll communication is comprised of body language. so it... confuses me? i suppose that's the best way to put it. i will avoid phone calls like the AIDS-Leprosy-Malaria-Plague, but i'll text all day long.


who was the genius that decided that Zombies eat brains? i just don't think there is any science to support that. why not fingers? or cerebral spinal fluid? or toe jam? or belly buttons? i'd like to invent a monster that goes around sucking out and devouring peoples belly buttons. a Morckshux. that's what i'm calling it. it's like a Unicorn, but with spikes all over it, and crazy cat shaped irises, and instead of a mane and tail it's blue fire that turns whatever it touches to goo. the dreaded belly button consuming Morckshux. named Trevor.

my new best friend, Trevor.


so i used the bathroom at a barnes and noble last week. looked to the right and saw a smear of boogers on the wall. i'm gonna say it right now. EVERYONE picks their nose. and if you're thinking to yourself "well i don't" then you are a goddamn liar.  you KNOW you pick your nose. it's part of life. no matter what, it's gonna happen. fish gotta swim, birds gotta fly, and i gotta get this itchy prickly monstrosity out of my nostril and away from my superior nasal chonchae cuz it's irritating the hell out of me.  everyone does it.  don't even try and front like you're a non-picker because they don't exist.

if i was a lesbian, then i'd totally be all over Rachel McAdams. or possibly Kim Stoltz (even though she belongs to a good friend of mine). perchance Mila Kunis, the chick that played Jackie on That 70's show. come on ladies, who do you have lady crushes on? leave your pick as a comment.

i...... want..... to eat everything in the house.


my lips and calves are numb. the rest of me is fine, but my lips and calves are numb. hmm. intrigue.


i should probably call it quits and go to bed while the going is good and before my typing skills diminish any more than they already have. i'm hitting the backspace key every third or fourth letter and it's getting tiresome.

y'all have a lovely night, and delightful weekend, and please send comments. they brighten my day and give flight to my heart.  later beeeeaches!!!

Life sucks and then you die.

i've always enjoyed writing. but it was only recently that i decided to force my literary exploits on the world. hopefully with the result of entertaining the masses.

i figured that my first post should probably explain what my plans are as far as how my posts will go.

for starters:

1. i curse with alarming frequency. so if you are terrrrrrribly offended by explitives, then maybe this isn't the blog for you. or maybe you could just cover your eyes when you come to the offending words, hop occularly over them, remove your fingers, and then carry on. yeah. just do that.

2. my spelling might be.... off. i tend to write like i think and speak, using punctuation and often more letters than i need to to make the words evoke the meanings that i want them to. i could care less about proper capitalization and punctuation. so no "hating". please. life is too short to get your panties all in a tizzy over the fact that i use a semicolon instead of the proper colon.

3. my son, a cute little dinosaur that i call the Slimeysaurus, is the most awesome thing in my life. and i guess my husband is pretty freakin great too. i reference them quite a bit. be prepared.

4. i skip around a lot. i've got a touch of dyslexia, and a more than healthy helping of WHERE DID THE SPOON GO? LOOK A WITCH! WHY ARE YOU SPLASHING ME WITH LIGHTER FLUID? OH GREAT HERE'S A FLYING SQUIRREL CARDIGAN!! also known as ADD. ok.

5. this blog is NOT to be taken seriously. the stories are all 100% true, but please put on your Sarcasm Monocle before you read.


ok. that pretty much sums it up. i promise the next post will be much more entertaining. maybe i'll include a clover eating contest between a carmudgeony old wombat and Dumbledore's slacker nephew Brett.

stay tuned.

Krista's Tip of the Day:

this is a segment where i impart life lessons that i have learned to my devoted readers. today's tip is as follows.

Ladies, never leave your breat pump on the kitchen counter unattended if you have cats. the opaque plastic tubing is a tasty siren song to your cat-nip junkies. you will discover that it has been chewed into teensy irreparable pieces that are now scattered across the counter and the floor. upon discovering that your expensive booby-pumping equipment is destroyed, you will find your cats, curse them thoroughly, and drop kick them ever so gently the next time they find themselves within a 2-foot radius of your feet. even though you are the evolved species, you WILL blame the cats for your neglect in regards to your Milking Machine. and you will feel no remorse. make sure you get some neosporin for those cat scratches though. cat scratch fever's a bitch.