Waffley VonBlintz

hummanah hummanah hummanah. sheebow sheebow. woooootboing.

ok. i've psyched myself up. i'm ready to write.
in bed, in pajamas, in the semi-dark.
windows are open so i can listen to the rain, and my computer is nestled on top of two pillows.
if not perfect, then it's a near-perfect writing environment.

ok.

so i went to Texas for 6 weeks while my hubster was off wasting his time, against his will, in some stupid course for work.

in these short 6 weeks, my house got trashed by my cat/housesitter, Mike's car got towed, and i lost my awesome and very sweet phone.

i dont' want to dwell on these negative things... let's just say the delinquent is on my naughty list and i can't talk to him because i'd say/do something that i regret; Maryland is STUPID. and oh yeah, i'm STUPID for losing my awesome and very sweet phone. also, phone insurance companies are STUPID. but they work. so you keep your head down and just barrel through the stupid. it will save you $250 dollars.

i kind of wish that i'd had a real wedding. well, mostly just the party part. you know, the reception. mostly because i'd love to do some goofy wedding dance like this:

except that my wedding party would KNOW how to dance and they'd be SHARP!! as a former Pearland Prancer and Ballerina, i would expect nothing less of my bridesmaids and groomsmen. i mean, if you're going to get out there and dance to something outside the Wedding-Cliche-Box, you might as well Cut the rug, not just trip and stumble across it. so i guess if i ever have an actual wedding/reception, i'll be holding tryouts for bridesmaids. so everyone brush up on your dance moves!! watch some Napoleon Dynamite, or watch this:

it will teach you EVERYTHING you need to know.


my question is, how on earth do you go through TWELVE boxes of pop-tarts in three weeks? you'd have to have between 2 and 3 a day.... i guess it's plausible. just not ethical. especially when they are not YOUR pop-tarts. they belong to the son of the lady whose house you are supposed to be watching/caring for while she's gone for six weeks. you pissant little putz.

i was so just royally miffed about the whole "my house sitter really screwed me over" business that the day that i came home, i couldn't get to sleep for the life of me because every atom of my being was livid. i ended up finally falling asleep that night and ended up taking a 4-hour angry-nap.

your mother would not approve.

so at the end of the day today, i had on thick black eyeliner, and i'd straightened my hair and put on a punky shirt and my hubby's plaid lazy pants. why? let's just say i listened to a LOT of Avril Lavigne today.

like, a LOT.

Dear Inhabitants of The Greater DC area:
I try to be nice and decent to you. I open doors for many of you; men, women and children alike. I say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" and so on. I let people in when i'm on the freeway. I smile at everyone, I try to go out of my way to be friendly or to make people laugh.
So cut me a fucking break and be nice to me every now and then. Because, damn. Maryland, you're MEAN!
That is all,
Krista


So i walked out of the Ladies' room in a Fiesta supermarket, and this dude asks me if there are any other women in there, as they need to get back to the ladder i just passed, back up into the ceiling and back to work. i tell him i don't mind checking for him. i waltz into the Loo and let out a loud "HELLLOOOUUUU....LADIES?!!" to which i hear him laughing. and it kind of made my day.

well, that and the Meerkats i saw later while i was at the zoo.

and the pregnant goat that i pet. i felt the baby's heartbeat. kind of extremely awesome.

i spent about an hour today watching Michael Grimm Videos like this one:

and ones of Jackie Evancho like this:

and yes, i know what you are all wondering.

it's true. i'm insanely jealous.

also, i've discovered that these past few months i've started forgetting how to spell simple words. words like "which". earlier in this blog, i spelled the word "time" like this: "him". what is wrong with me? all my brain are shutting down.
jeez.

time to go see the neurologist again!!

ha.

so THIS is what it's like when i try to make myself write. also, when i've had too much riesling. whoops.

alright. well. maybe next time i'll write while i'm still sober. tee hee!!

oh, by the way. this nerve condition that i have definitely has some silver linings. my random goosebump patches offer me endless visual entertainment, and sometimes i'm so dizzy that it makes me nauseated for hours on end so i can't eat anything... which is great news for my jeans. those poor jeans, they've been working so hard this year. the last time i wore this particular pair that i speak of was 2 years ago. we're talking pre-spawning. and i was about 20 pounds lighter back then. i think i've put holes in the butt/crotch of every pair of jeans that i own since i found that i could force them back on my body. oh well. peek-a-boo. at least my panties are cute.

also, on a slightly related note, i really need to make sure that the curtains are CLOSED before i do a 1920's Flapper-girl inspired sexy dance for my husband. at least i was wearing my bathrobe which covers.... well, i guess it covers everything.

well nevermind then. let 'em look.



Love, Laughs, and Rubber Duck-filled Bubble Baths.

let's just grab some 2 dollar panties and get out of here

i have been totally remiss in my duties since i left on vacation two weeks ago.

i apologize.

there have just been so many hijinks that i haven't had the ..... collected sanity to write.  i've felt like a laughing eyes-glazed porcelain wombat. just sitting there, a little furry lump in the throws of hysterics.

take Friday night for example.

we decided to travel back to Georgia in two days instead of attempting the 9 hour drive during the night like we did when we drove up. we figured we'd drive halfway, stop for the night, then finish up the drive on saturday.

it went..... well, it went.

infants are NOT designed for extended automobile travel. they're just not wired for it. i know this because Ronin's poop/vomit/pee stream frequency increases dramatically when we drive for more than an hour at a time.  i take this as him telling me that i'm a terrible horrible individual and this is what i get for subjecting my angel child to a torture so base and degenerate as this.

also he screams.... and cries... and screams.

so we pulled into some place... Rocky Mount, Mount Rock, Rocking Mountain... something around 6pm-ish.  we were tired.  we were hungry.  we were frustrated because we'd been having a rough time trying to keep the Wunderkind happy during the first leg of our trip. 

we headed into a "Texas Steakhouse" type establishment.  i took the Screecher into the bathroom and proceeded to change his pee pants.  he cried bloody murder so that everyone in the restaurant and the adjoining hotel would know just exactly how displeased he was at the moment.

i got him changed, mike and the babe and i sat down and had dinner, and things looked up after that.

we stole, nay hijacked, a romantic evening.

aparently, there was some Romantic Weekend Getaway thing going on at said adjoining hotel that we decided to stay at. we booked a room, grabbed our essential travel things, and headed up to the room.

*interjection*

Mike explained to me that he is so romantic that he doesn't plan romantic evenings, he steals them from other people; often unbeknownst to them, and usually unbeknownst to himself as well.

*end interjection*

we walked into the room and we were very surprised at what we saw. there were tons of rose petals covering the bed, they were all over the floor and nightstands, and on one of the nightstands there were two glasses and a bottle of sparkling red grape juice on ice.

SURPRISE ROMANTIC GETAWAY ROOM!!! 

we asked the dude that brought up a courtesy crib for the Young Prince about the room and what was up wit' dat, and he said he didn't know.

it was an awesome serendipitous High Five from the Universe.

we got the Little Angel to bed, poured us some bubbly and settled down onto the bepetaled bed to read and be snuggly.

it was an awesome night, aside from the couple that came knocking at the door a bit later in the night all upset cuz we got the awesome room cuz the hotel screwed up in our favor.


and we got a military discount.

and we got free breakfast.




and i forgot my little neck pillow, Little Guy 3.0 in the hotel room. a fact i didn't realize until this morning.

i forced my wonderful husband to take me to Bed Bath and Beyond to get a replacement this evening.


i promise that i won't lose Little Guy 4.0

he will NOT be leaving the house to go on vacations with me anymore.
now if i can only beg my wonderful mommy to make me yet another pillowcase for it....



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  My son is so clearly a superior child. he already has me and Mike all figured out and knows how to get what he wants.  clever boy...

2.  i think my cats missed me. they seem to have gone feral since we went on vacation.... the house was TORN UP when we got home on Saturday.  they chewed through all of the baby bottle nipples, they peed on the floors, they somehow got poo on both the counters and the stairs, they ate/shredded our toilet paper, and they spilled the contents of the bathroom trash cans on the floor.... as if to say "welcome home morons. thanks for abandoning us. again. jackasses."

3. i gained two pounds over two weeks. blerg.

4.  i dyed my hair dark brown again. gotta put the "winter colors" back on. plus, it helps hide my bald spot.

5. ladies, don't let your husband cut your hair. even if you feel that you've screwed it up so badly that no alteration that he makes could possibly detract from the damage you've already inflicted upon your hairdo.  it's a mistake. don't let them near the scissors. there are some times when "help" isn't "help" and this is one of them.

6. let's just get some $2.00 panties and get out of here...

7. Ronin's on his third pair of jammies for tonight.  i wish he would just stop barfing up and go to sleep already. i'm running out of clean jammies.

8. so Mike said "perhaps you should write about that brilliant thing you did the other day"... and neither him nor i can think of what that brilliant thing, or ANY brilliant thing that i've done was/is.  that's pretty sad.

9.  i took a shower earlier in the day. i went into my bedroom. i put clothes on. i dried my hair some...  and then i opened my door to go back downstairs and there in the doorway are my two cats, my male kitty in the act of humping my female kitty.  they both looked up at me as if to say "um, do ya mind?"...  i said "well exCUSE ME", circumvented them, and went about my business feeling a bit violated myself.

10.  To the guy at Charlotte Russe in VA who was wearing the blue polo, khakis, drawn on eyebrows, and 6 pounds of bright pink blush: COOL IT with the make up.  we get it.  you just want to feel "pretty". but come on, put on some bronzer, maybe pencil in a TOUCH of eyebrow color, perchance a bit of lip gloss just for kicks, but there is NO NEED for the Tammy Faye Baker mask. it's not charming.