Urine: Proof of a Good Time

first and foremost, a HUGE happy slightly slimey shout-out to Pam, my 16th Follower here on Blogger. welcome to the tiny family of blog readers that i'm very proud to call my own.  we often have pillow fights. be ye warned.

so i was wondering what to write about, and a particular subject came to mind. i shall ramble about it now.

Urine.

oh urine.

such a troublesome substance.  lately, it seems that i am so full of joy and happiness and muscular relaxation that i cannot contain my urine.  i get to laughing and it just alllllll commeessssss ouuuuuuttt. now, nine times out of ten i am successful in punching my husband for being too brutally funny, marshalling my powers of concentration and sphincter tightening and just barely make it to the bathroom in time. but it's that pesky 10% fail rate that really cheeses my cracker. i can remember several of these such instances.  just the other day, i failed at "containment" and yelled from the bathroom, in defeat and rage, to my husband (who was laughing at me) to just go get me some goddamn clean pants.

several years ago, when i was 17 or so, i took ballet. you know, pointe shoes, leotard, tights, the whole nine yards. one particular evening my best friend in the class, Elise and I, were stuck in a vicious giggle rut and were cutting up wayyyyy too much and just having the best time. and then.... then, we went TOO FAR. i felt the ominous slosh of Emergency Pee Time.  i tried to make it across the dance studio floor, squeezing my legs together, fumbling towards the bathroom like a zombie praying mantis, but i couldn't make it.  i collapsed in a pile of dissappointment, laughter, hate, and urine. oh God, so much urine. i just couldn't stop! i tried to make it seem as though maybe i'd started my period... and that's why i'd collapsed?  i shooed my classmates and teacher from me as politely as i could, my futile efforts failing to keep them from noticing the man-made lake that i had just built there on the floor.  i tried to gather as much dignity as i could from what i had scattered in my bodily fluid, and half crawled to the bathroom. i proceeded to curse myself, and try to towel off my tights with the 1 ply toilet paper... to no avail.

needless to say, it wasn't one of my proudest moments. not my shiniest achievement.

i remember in my early years when i was maybe 7 and having to pee with such a quickness that i had to act on impulse. my knee-jerk reaction was mostly to drop straight to the floor, cross my legs, and wait for my micturition reflex to subside just enough for me to get up and race for the little girls' room.  my parents would laugh at their odd child, hurtling towards the bathroom screaming " I GOTTA PEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

I used to have a theory that blueberry muffins made me susceptable to these bouts of Bladder Failure.  which was a shame, because my dad's homemade blueberry muffins just so happened to be my favorite.  the family would all be sitting around the dinner table, eating our delicious baked treats, laughing it up, when my laughter would get out of control and i'd dash away from the table yelling "I GOTTA PEEEEE!!!"

my parents still think it's the funniest thing. and i'm almost certain the my husband gets me going on purpose, just so he can watch me squirm as i desperately attempt to impede the inevitable tidal wave release of giggle-induced urine.


i share my story with you tonight in hopes that my message is clear:

There IS such a thing as being TOO Funny.  So tell your friends, get screened/tested today, and don't let Emergency Pee/Bladder Failure happen to you and those that you love.


Reasons Why I Win Today:

1. I did not pee my pants, even though my hubby was extra hilarious today.

2. I got a nap in!

3. Even though i called my son a Troll today for keeping me up so much last night, i did not treat him like one, so I'm still an awesome mommy.

4.  No one called me a crooked politician today.

5.  No one kicked in my knee caps today.

6.  I usually watch The Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights and stuff my face with ice cream whilst i do so. Tonight, there was no Ice Cream Face Stuffage.

7.  I just used the word Stuffage.

8.  i finally kicked my ass into gear and wrote a blog! *self five*

9.  I did not rob a bank today.  though truth me told i contemplated knocking over a Cold Stone Creamery.

10.  I have SIXTEEN WHOLE FOLLOWERS ON BLOGGER!!! Pam, this one was for you. Hope I made you proud.

Hope y'all stay dry,

*The Flexible One*