Urine: Proof of a Good Time

first and foremost, a HUGE happy slightly slimey shout-out to Pam, my 16th Follower here on Blogger. welcome to the tiny family of blog readers that i'm very proud to call my own.  we often have pillow fights. be ye warned.

so i was wondering what to write about, and a particular subject came to mind. i shall ramble about it now.

Urine.

oh urine.

such a troublesome substance.  lately, it seems that i am so full of joy and happiness and muscular relaxation that i cannot contain my urine.  i get to laughing and it just alllllll commeessssss ouuuuuuttt. now, nine times out of ten i am successful in punching my husband for being too brutally funny, marshalling my powers of concentration and sphincter tightening and just barely make it to the bathroom in time. but it's that pesky 10% fail rate that really cheeses my cracker. i can remember several of these such instances.  just the other day, i failed at "containment" and yelled from the bathroom, in defeat and rage, to my husband (who was laughing at me) to just go get me some goddamn clean pants.

several years ago, when i was 17 or so, i took ballet. you know, pointe shoes, leotard, tights, the whole nine yards. one particular evening my best friend in the class, Elise and I, were stuck in a vicious giggle rut and were cutting up wayyyyy too much and just having the best time. and then.... then, we went TOO FAR. i felt the ominous slosh of Emergency Pee Time.  i tried to make it across the dance studio floor, squeezing my legs together, fumbling towards the bathroom like a zombie praying mantis, but i couldn't make it.  i collapsed in a pile of dissappointment, laughter, hate, and urine. oh God, so much urine. i just couldn't stop! i tried to make it seem as though maybe i'd started my period... and that's why i'd collapsed?  i shooed my classmates and teacher from me as politely as i could, my futile efforts failing to keep them from noticing the man-made lake that i had just built there on the floor.  i tried to gather as much dignity as i could from what i had scattered in my bodily fluid, and half crawled to the bathroom. i proceeded to curse myself, and try to towel off my tights with the 1 ply toilet paper... to no avail.

needless to say, it wasn't one of my proudest moments. not my shiniest achievement.

i remember in my early years when i was maybe 7 and having to pee with such a quickness that i had to act on impulse. my knee-jerk reaction was mostly to drop straight to the floor, cross my legs, and wait for my micturition reflex to subside just enough for me to get up and race for the little girls' room.  my parents would laugh at their odd child, hurtling towards the bathroom screaming " I GOTTA PEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"

I used to have a theory that blueberry muffins made me susceptable to these bouts of Bladder Failure.  which was a shame, because my dad's homemade blueberry muffins just so happened to be my favorite.  the family would all be sitting around the dinner table, eating our delicious baked treats, laughing it up, when my laughter would get out of control and i'd dash away from the table yelling "I GOTTA PEEEEE!!!"

my parents still think it's the funniest thing. and i'm almost certain the my husband gets me going on purpose, just so he can watch me squirm as i desperately attempt to impede the inevitable tidal wave release of giggle-induced urine.


i share my story with you tonight in hopes that my message is clear:

There IS such a thing as being TOO Funny.  So tell your friends, get screened/tested today, and don't let Emergency Pee/Bladder Failure happen to you and those that you love.


Reasons Why I Win Today:

1. I did not pee my pants, even though my hubby was extra hilarious today.

2. I got a nap in!

3. Even though i called my son a Troll today for keeping me up so much last night, i did not treat him like one, so I'm still an awesome mommy.

4.  No one called me a crooked politician today.

5.  No one kicked in my knee caps today.

6.  I usually watch The Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights and stuff my face with ice cream whilst i do so. Tonight, there was no Ice Cream Face Stuffage.

7.  I just used the word Stuffage.

8.  i finally kicked my ass into gear and wrote a blog! *self five*

9.  I did not rob a bank today.  though truth me told i contemplated knocking over a Cold Stone Creamery.

10.  I have SIXTEEN WHOLE FOLLOWERS ON BLOGGER!!! Pam, this one was for you. Hope I made you proud.

Hope y'all stay dry,

*The Flexible One*

i see what you did there

i'm on to you, fast food chains. i see what you're doing with your clever "limited time only our cheap food is even cheaper" ponzi schemes.

Wendy's. Let's talk. you have 7 items for 99 cents. McDonalds, you're luring us in with promises that we can finally win at Monopoly.  and now Burger King, you're giving away some kind of X-Box game apparatus thingamajiggy. 

i see what's really happening here. you are attempting to dupe us into buying your surplus food that's sitting around in your warehouses so that you won't have to pay the extra taxes on them if you still have it after the first of the year.

clever.

and it only took me 26 years to figure it out.


in other news, my Ipod is gone.  let me specify.  my THIRD Ipod has gone missing.  it's small, and pastel green and cute and stuffed with all my favorite music and it's gone. my poor MintI FreshPod. here it is, Autumn and i'm high and dry without my Fall music; Deathcab for Cutie, Landon Pigg, and Snow Patrol. what's a girl to do.  i've been listening to the local radio stations for the last few days and i want to scrape my face off of my face.  if i have to hear that whore Kesha one more damn time she's going to get a Surprise Vocal Chord Sever in the middle of the night.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  thanks to pregnancy/motherhood i am now officially, OffICiALLy, out of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee. i am a D cup.  Respect. Recognize.

2.  on a similar note, Ronin does this thing where he likes to "scritch" on me while he's breastfeeding; it tickles sooooooooooooo much and it's all i can do to keep from laughing. sometimes i let out a giggle and it startles him; he looks up at me as if to say "what is WRONG with you, woman?"

3.  i accidentall locked my cat in the bathroom tonight for about an hour. poor kitteh.

4.  um... this post is kind of lame. sorry folks.

5.  3 days until i go to TEXAS for a month! i LOVE going back to my native land. Texans are the best kinds of people.  Recognize!

6.  my husband does this new thing where he likes to make me laugh until i have to pee.  i love it, but it's so frustrating trying to sprint for the bathroom before i leak everywhere.  we're so romantic.

7.  i have never licked a frog.  i have had one pee in my palm though...

Huge Announcement of Success!!!

I now have 10 whole followers on Blogger!! Huzzah! I've finally achieved something. I officially have "done something with" my life.

also.

i shall soon be bald;  my hair is falling out.

well as far as i can tell.  i mean, i find it everywhere.  on my bed, on my pillow, on my clothes, in Ronin's hands (because he pulls it out), everywhere.

i think i could rock being bald.  although i do have some fairly gnarly scars. just give me some spray paint, a couple sheets of stickers, maybe some rhinestones and glue and i'm set.

speaking of scars, i sustained another brutal emotional scar yesterday.

i might have mentioned once or twice that lately my son's farts are like an Armageddon to my sense of smell, and yesterday was no exception.  and i knew it was only a matter of time until the lethal flatulence would give way to disaster and i'd have to throw my Hazmat suit on and deal with a Nuclear-Poop-Holocaust-Diaper.

yesterday at 3pm he struck, and he shot to kill.

after several of what i naively assumed were "farts", i had decided to bring him upstairs and change his diaper.  i unbuttoned his onsie and caught the haunting aroma of baby-stench and gave a little dry heave.  it had leaked out the side of the diaper, all over his back and down his legs.  (insert music from Psycho here)

the next 20 minutes was a blur of tears, flailing arms and legs, aggravated pleas as i tried to keep his fingers from grabbing all the nastiness, poo streaks everywhere, oodles and oodles of soiled wet wipes, and a triumphant 5 month old splashing about in the tub looking smug.

good times.  this boy is so fun.  he definitely takes after his daddy, The Destroyer.

example.

right now he's by my side on the couch and pulling the blanket over his face in an effort to smother himself.

and i, like the trained monkey i am, keep having to snatch it off of his face, which he thinks is HilARioUs.  ah, what a fun life i lead!

even my cats are in rare form this week.  at night, specifically after midnight when i'm done feeding them (throwback!) they turn into monsters that howl at the bedroom door where Ronin and i are trying to sleep.  they cry louder and louder as they attempt to claw their way through the wood or dig their way under it through the carpet.

i've never had eggplant.  i think i've reached the point in my life where i'm brave enough to try it.

bet you didn't see that one coming, didja?




10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:

1. I am not a hamster. therefore, I do not have to choose between a toaster, a cardboard box, a washing machine, and a Kia as my mode of transportation.

2. I lost another pound!! only (ugh) 19 more to go.

3. I still haven't made any apple cobbler. If I can just keep from baking then maybe I'll be able to get the rest of this baby weight off.

4. I did not turn into a hippie, a nazi, a facist, or a Jersey Shore Snookie character today. Ultra win.

5.  I took a shower!! I even pushed back my cuticles! HYGIENE WIN!

6.  I uploaded 51 new pictures of my perfect handsome son to my FB page. You're welcome, Earth.

7.  I did half of a leg workout.  In other words, Left Leg = Strong. Right Leg = ...meh.

8.  I won at your MOM last night!! OOOOHhhhhh!! Sick Burn!

9.  So You Think You Can Dance on TV + Not Being Blind + Not Being Deaf = a recipe for a sexy evening. Team Kent/Lauren!!!

10. I haven't been Ninja Peed on in a whole month!!!!!!!!!!



as always, thanks for stopping by. show the love; leave a comment, feel free to give suggestions/topics,  come back any time. I love my readers!!