first and foremost, a HUGE happy slightly slimey shout-out to Pam, my 16th Follower here on Blogger. welcome to the tiny family of blog readers that i'm very proud to call my own. we often have pillow fights. be ye warned.
so i was wondering what to write about, and a particular subject came to mind. i shall ramble about it now.
Urine.
oh urine.
such a troublesome substance. lately, it seems that i am so full of joy and happiness and muscular relaxation that i cannot contain my urine. i get to laughing and it just alllllll commeessssss ouuuuuuttt. now, nine times out of ten i am successful in punching my husband for being too brutally funny, marshalling my powers of concentration and sphincter tightening and just barely make it to the bathroom in time. but it's that pesky 10% fail rate that really cheeses my cracker. i can remember several of these such instances. just the other day, i failed at "containment" and yelled from the bathroom, in defeat and rage, to my husband (who was laughing at me) to just go get me some goddamn clean pants.
several years ago, when i was 17 or so, i took ballet. you know, pointe shoes, leotard, tights, the whole nine yards. one particular evening my best friend in the class, Elise and I, were stuck in a vicious giggle rut and were cutting up wayyyyy too much and just having the best time. and then.... then, we went TOO FAR. i felt the ominous slosh of Emergency Pee Time. i tried to make it across the dance studio floor, squeezing my legs together, fumbling towards the bathroom like a zombie praying mantis, but i couldn't make it. i collapsed in a pile of dissappointment, laughter, hate, and urine. oh God, so much urine. i just couldn't stop! i tried to make it seem as though maybe i'd started my period... and that's why i'd collapsed? i shooed my classmates and teacher from me as politely as i could, my futile efforts failing to keep them from noticing the man-made lake that i had just built there on the floor. i tried to gather as much dignity as i could from what i had scattered in my bodily fluid, and half crawled to the bathroom. i proceeded to curse myself, and try to towel off my tights with the 1 ply toilet paper... to no avail.
needless to say, it wasn't one of my proudest moments. not my shiniest achievement.
i remember in my early years when i was maybe 7 and having to pee with such a quickness that i had to act on impulse. my knee-jerk reaction was mostly to drop straight to the floor, cross my legs, and wait for my micturition reflex to subside just enough for me to get up and race for the little girls' room. my parents would laugh at their odd child, hurtling towards the bathroom screaming " I GOTTA PEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!"
I used to have a theory that blueberry muffins made me susceptable to these bouts of Bladder Failure. which was a shame, because my dad's homemade blueberry muffins just so happened to be my favorite. the family would all be sitting around the dinner table, eating our delicious baked treats, laughing it up, when my laughter would get out of control and i'd dash away from the table yelling "I GOTTA PEEEEE!!!"
my parents still think it's the funniest thing. and i'm almost certain the my husband gets me going on purpose, just so he can watch me squirm as i desperately attempt to impede the inevitable tidal wave release of giggle-induced urine.
i share my story with you tonight in hopes that my message is clear:
There IS such a thing as being TOO Funny. So tell your friends, get screened/tested today, and don't let Emergency Pee/Bladder Failure happen to you and those that you love.
Reasons Why I Win Today:
1. I did not pee my pants, even though my hubby was extra hilarious today.
2. I got a nap in!
3. Even though i called my son a Troll today for keeping me up so much last night, i did not treat him like one, so I'm still an awesome mommy.
4. No one called me a crooked politician today.
5. No one kicked in my knee caps today.
6. I usually watch The Biggest Loser on Tuesday nights and stuff my face with ice cream whilst i do so. Tonight, there was no Ice Cream Face Stuffage.
7. I just used the word Stuffage.
8. i finally kicked my ass into gear and wrote a blog! *self five*
9. I did not rob a bank today. though truth me told i contemplated knocking over a Cold Stone Creamery.
10. I have SIXTEEN WHOLE FOLLOWERS ON BLOGGER!!! Pam, this one was for you. Hope I made you proud.
Hope y'all stay dry,
*The Flexible One*
Showing posts with label bathroom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label bathroom. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
letters to random objects/nouns.
Dear Polka Dot,
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
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