i find myself awake at 4am today.
not out of willful choice, mind you, but because i have a SCREECHING ten month old baby upstairs who "doesn't understand" that nighttime is for SLEEPING and not for screaming at mom.
just because he can walk on his own now without holding onto me or daddy he thinks he's a big-shot that doesn't need to rest.
and he wants to punish me and let me know exactly how pissed his is at me for leaving him in his crib instead of letting him play when he wakes up at 2:30a.m. to do so.
little punk. momma needs sleep.
anywho, joy of joys Ronin finally got his confidence up and now instead of walking 3 or 4 steps, freaking out and sitting down, he walks all the way across the house from Shiny Object #1 to Shiny Object #2 with no hesitation.
good for him, but I'm in trouble.
we have a teeny tiny townhome with stuff just crammed all in it which doesn't make it very "baby friendly".
at least we don't keep our knives on the floor anymore. whew! dodged a bullet there.
oh, i think he stopped screaming... now he's just crying and whining. it's a small step but i'll take it.
ugh. losing weight is hard, y'all. and i know it's the time of year for it and talking about it is cliche and not exciting or new in the least, but it is what it is. it's a bis-natch.
i still have 16 pounds to go, thanks to the 2 pounds i put on in the last 12 days and it just seems like a hopelessly dark tunnel with no Scooby Doo nightlight at the end.
in leu of Scooby Doo, there is an Orc horde clad in battle armor and cake, threatening my diet and exercise regime and my very life. plus Orcs are smelly, so boo.
my hair is immortal. i know this because it has stopped growing and is in a constant state of unchanging Annoying Lengthitude. not quite long enough to put in a ponytail, not short enough to be considered "pixie" or "cute" or "un-barfy".
as a result of these two grievances i feel completely bummed out by anyone with a rockin' non-post-partum body and/or long hair.
sweet Jesus he's screeching again.
i go up and "check" on him and that just seems to make it worse cuz he sees me and cried louder as if to say "MOMMY WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE ME, I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUUUU". and then i feel like a dipshit parent when i leave him to let him cry it out.
ugh. why can't he just sleep through the night like a normal 10 month old baby.
my cats missed me while i was on vacation. i know this because every time i sit or lay down they are there, pinning my legs down and demanding all of my cuddles and pets. also they try to claw through Ronin's door when i'm in there with it shut.which does NOT help Ronin fall asleep.
i tried some yoga today. i did 5 or so different difficult positions and held them for 30-45 seconds each. i only did one circuit of them though because the laundry had to get done at some point so we could get it off of the bed and sleep. i'll do at least two rounds tomor.... i mean later today. you know when someone says "where does the time go"? well it goes right here.
Good News Everyone; i've found all of the extra time that you've lost. it's right here waiting for you in the "waiting for Ronin to go back to sleep so i can go back to sleep" space-time continuum. please pick it up at your earliest convenience.
Observant Observations:
1. our waitress at Ruby Tuesdays on Sunday evening looked like a poor copy of Ellen Page. in fact i nearly called her Ellen Page while she was walking around with our queso dip and chips, looking utterly lost like she was still stuck in Inception and there was no Leornardo to save her or whatever. (never saw the movie, just guessing at it's premise.)
2. businesses that "cut costs" by turning off the heat in the bathrooms should be tried as criminals in a court of law. sure it's fine for the men that have to take a squirt, but us lady-folk have to squat to pee on those ice cold toilet seats and it's deplorable.
3. aparentely if you "like" a whole bunch of webpages on Facebook just so that you can slap your blog's URL on it once a day everyday it is considered "abuse" and you're banned from doing it anymore. just a heads up. i guess i'll have to find another way to get the word out. where else can i do my digital graffiti? hmm...
4. it's funny how my husband tries to seduce me by making me laugh so hard that i nearly pee myself, and then he gets all in a huff because i get a bad case of the giggles while we're making love. i'm not laughing at him at all, just the Russian voice and the awkward gyrating bouncy dance he does to try and "get me hot". i love that man.
5. i saw a beautiful white and gold owl in the middle of the road while we were driving back home to Georgia from Virginia on Sunday. Deer? sure. Rabbit? of course. Armadillo- the state bird of Texas? absolutely. but an Owl? now that's a first.
Showing posts with label 600 pound woman. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 600 pound woman. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
getting my Julie Andrews on
i'm inspired today to list some of my favorite things about life. now, this is by no means all of them, and they are not in order. and away we go:
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
7. Ninja Cupcakes. well, cupcakes in general. all cupcakes. my favorite are extra-moist-orange-vanilla-cupcakes-with-a-surprise-maraschino-cherry-center-and-lemon-frosting. however, Ninja cupcakes are both deadly, and delicious.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
sharing... it's a rule now...
5 imaginary bucks to the first person that knows where that comes from. and sorry, Michael, you can't play.
i love that after two years of marriage, Mike and i are still having fun. we still find interesting ways to entertain ourselves and make each other laugh.
like last night when i declared that the entire king size bed was mine, and then he attempted to smother me with pillows and the quilt, and i fought back with Merciless Tickles until we were both just exhausted and giggly.
you know you've made a Good Life Decision when you find it difficult to sleep because you keep thinking about the Pillow Fight you've just had and you keep bursting out in fits of chuckles.
you're never too old for Pillow Fights.
Some of my Favorite Words and Phrases:
1) Pants. when my little sister and i were in our glorious teenage years, we came up with some WEIRD stuff. and one of our favorite things to chant was; Warm... Clean... PANTS.
2) Paradigm. it makes me feel like maybe i'm not a doofus when i use this word, so i try and use it a lot. example: i'm not sure that a pineapple is the best thing to be shoving into our car's fuel tank; we may want to reevaluate our decision-making paradigm.
3) What a Fortuitous Boon. it's just a super fancy way of saying "hooray, i win at life today!"
4) Zanzibar. try not to smile after saying Zanzibar. you can't do it can you? i feel acomplished when i say it. like i'm actually doing something constructive with my life.
i'm turning 26 on Thursday and.... i'm mini-panicking. i'm pretty sure this officially makes me a Twenty Something and i don't exactly know how i feel about that. it freaks me out possibly even more that my little sister will be 24. geez. where is the time going? my son is already half a year old....
i played some poker tonight, and i guess i did ok. it didn't win, but of the 7 of us that were playing, i hung in there until it was me and just one other dude. i went all in on the last hand, and i HAD HIM until the last card came down on the river and his pair ended up beating out my pair. rough luck. i'm proud of myself though. i NEVER play poker, i don't know/remember all the rules, and for half of the game i was playing with/feeding/nursing my son. so..... not too shabby.
i'd really like to be funny and entertaining tonight; but the elements have conspired against me. my dear sweet Great-Grandma died today. her funeral is in Portland on my birthday and i'm heading up there with Ronin and hopefully Mike to pay my respects. i'm so grateful that i got to see her again this summer and that she got to meet and hold Ronin. she just lit up with that little boy on her lap. she was 98 and 1/2. she got to see a lot of life; i hope that i am as lucky.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. my cats are doing.... something weird... under the bed and it sounds like Mutant Giant Termites trying to tiptoe around so as not to be discovered by me and consequently squuzed when i whap them with my folded up step stool i keep for just such Mutant Giant Termite Squooshing.
2. i have a headache. that's been happening more lately...
3. a lady complimented my son's skin this evening... what an interesting compliment. she said she liked the tone of it. he gets that lovely natural tan from his 1/2 Hungarian daddy.
4. all i want for my birthday is to go out to me and Mike's favorite romantical restaurant, and to eat lots and lots of fancy homemade cupcakes and also an ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery. which smashes my Diet to all smithereens.
5. saw a news story about a little chubby 10 or so year old girl named Agatha... and it occured to me that her parents are cruel and probably don't love her very much. Agatha. Agatha. poor lass.
6. ah, just figured out what i'd like for my birthday. a Unicorn. named Trevor. preferably with wings.
7. i'll bet that merry go rounds and carousels have inferiority complexes... because real roller coasters are awesome and they just aren't.
8. i need a cupcake. NOW.
9. i was the white trash woman tonight with my darling boy wearing nothing but a diaper and his own drool because it was so damn hot. it was me. i was that white trash woman.
10. fried zucchini is delicious.
i love that after two years of marriage, Mike and i are still having fun. we still find interesting ways to entertain ourselves and make each other laugh.
like last night when i declared that the entire king size bed was mine, and then he attempted to smother me with pillows and the quilt, and i fought back with Merciless Tickles until we were both just exhausted and giggly.
you know you've made a Good Life Decision when you find it difficult to sleep because you keep thinking about the Pillow Fight you've just had and you keep bursting out in fits of chuckles.
you're never too old for Pillow Fights.
Some of my Favorite Words and Phrases:
1) Pants. when my little sister and i were in our glorious teenage years, we came up with some WEIRD stuff. and one of our favorite things to chant was; Warm... Clean... PANTS.
2) Paradigm. it makes me feel like maybe i'm not a doofus when i use this word, so i try and use it a lot. example: i'm not sure that a pineapple is the best thing to be shoving into our car's fuel tank; we may want to reevaluate our decision-making paradigm.
3) What a Fortuitous Boon. it's just a super fancy way of saying "hooray, i win at life today!"
4) Zanzibar. try not to smile after saying Zanzibar. you can't do it can you? i feel acomplished when i say it. like i'm actually doing something constructive with my life.
i'm turning 26 on Thursday and.... i'm mini-panicking. i'm pretty sure this officially makes me a Twenty Something and i don't exactly know how i feel about that. it freaks me out possibly even more that my little sister will be 24. geez. where is the time going? my son is already half a year old....
i played some poker tonight, and i guess i did ok. it didn't win, but of the 7 of us that were playing, i hung in there until it was me and just one other dude. i went all in on the last hand, and i HAD HIM until the last card came down on the river and his pair ended up beating out my pair. rough luck. i'm proud of myself though. i NEVER play poker, i don't know/remember all the rules, and for half of the game i was playing with/feeding/nursing my son. so..... not too shabby.
i'd really like to be funny and entertaining tonight; but the elements have conspired against me. my dear sweet Great-Grandma died today. her funeral is in Portland on my birthday and i'm heading up there with Ronin and hopefully Mike to pay my respects. i'm so grateful that i got to see her again this summer and that she got to meet and hold Ronin. she just lit up with that little boy on her lap. she was 98 and 1/2. she got to see a lot of life; i hope that i am as lucky.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. my cats are doing.... something weird... under the bed and it sounds like Mutant Giant Termites trying to tiptoe around so as not to be discovered by me and consequently squuzed when i whap them with my folded up step stool i keep for just such Mutant Giant Termite Squooshing.
2. i have a headache. that's been happening more lately...
3. a lady complimented my son's skin this evening... what an interesting compliment. she said she liked the tone of it. he gets that lovely natural tan from his 1/2 Hungarian daddy.
4. all i want for my birthday is to go out to me and Mike's favorite romantical restaurant, and to eat lots and lots of fancy homemade cupcakes and also an ice cream cake from Cold Stone Creamery. which smashes my Diet to all smithereens.
5. saw a news story about a little chubby 10 or so year old girl named Agatha... and it occured to me that her parents are cruel and probably don't love her very much. Agatha. Agatha. poor lass.
6. ah, just figured out what i'd like for my birthday. a Unicorn. named Trevor. preferably with wings.
7. i'll bet that merry go rounds and carousels have inferiority complexes... because real roller coasters are awesome and they just aren't.
8. i need a cupcake. NOW.
9. i was the white trash woman tonight with my darling boy wearing nothing but a diaper and his own drool because it was so damn hot. it was me. i was that white trash woman.
10. fried zucchini is delicious.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
letters to random objects/nouns.
Dear Polka Dot,
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)