i find myself awake at 4am today.
not out of willful choice, mind you, but because i have a SCREECHING ten month old baby upstairs who "doesn't understand" that nighttime is for SLEEPING and not for screaming at mom.
just because he can walk on his own now without holding onto me or daddy he thinks he's a big-shot that doesn't need to rest.
and he wants to punish me and let me know exactly how pissed his is at me for leaving him in his crib instead of letting him play when he wakes up at 2:30a.m. to do so.
little punk. momma needs sleep.
anywho, joy of joys Ronin finally got his confidence up and now instead of walking 3 or 4 steps, freaking out and sitting down, he walks all the way across the house from Shiny Object #1 to Shiny Object #2 with no hesitation.
good for him, but I'm in trouble.
we have a teeny tiny townhome with stuff just crammed all in it which doesn't make it very "baby friendly".
at least we don't keep our knives on the floor anymore. whew! dodged a bullet there.
oh, i think he stopped screaming... now he's just crying and whining. it's a small step but i'll take it.
ugh. losing weight is hard, y'all. and i know it's the time of year for it and talking about it is cliche and not exciting or new in the least, but it is what it is. it's a bis-natch.
i still have 16 pounds to go, thanks to the 2 pounds i put on in the last 12 days and it just seems like a hopelessly dark tunnel with no Scooby Doo nightlight at the end.
in leu of Scooby Doo, there is an Orc horde clad in battle armor and cake, threatening my diet and exercise regime and my very life. plus Orcs are smelly, so boo.
my hair is immortal. i know this because it has stopped growing and is in a constant state of unchanging Annoying Lengthitude. not quite long enough to put in a ponytail, not short enough to be considered "pixie" or "cute" or "un-barfy".
as a result of these two grievances i feel completely bummed out by anyone with a rockin' non-post-partum body and/or long hair.
sweet Jesus he's screeching again.
i go up and "check" on him and that just seems to make it worse cuz he sees me and cried louder as if to say "MOMMY WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE ME, I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUUUU". and then i feel like a dipshit parent when i leave him to let him cry it out.
ugh. why can't he just sleep through the night like a normal 10 month old baby.
my cats missed me while i was on vacation. i know this because every time i sit or lay down they are there, pinning my legs down and demanding all of my cuddles and pets. also they try to claw through Ronin's door when i'm in there with it shut.which does NOT help Ronin fall asleep.
i tried some yoga today. i did 5 or so different difficult positions and held them for 30-45 seconds each. i only did one circuit of them though because the laundry had to get done at some point so we could get it off of the bed and sleep. i'll do at least two rounds tomor.... i mean later today. you know when someone says "where does the time go"? well it goes right here.
Good News Everyone; i've found all of the extra time that you've lost. it's right here waiting for you in the "waiting for Ronin to go back to sleep so i can go back to sleep" space-time continuum. please pick it up at your earliest convenience.
Observant Observations:
1. our waitress at Ruby Tuesdays on Sunday evening looked like a poor copy of Ellen Page. in fact i nearly called her Ellen Page while she was walking around with our queso dip and chips, looking utterly lost like she was still stuck in Inception and there was no Leornardo to save her or whatever. (never saw the movie, just guessing at it's premise.)
2. businesses that "cut costs" by turning off the heat in the bathrooms should be tried as criminals in a court of law. sure it's fine for the men that have to take a squirt, but us lady-folk have to squat to pee on those ice cold toilet seats and it's deplorable.
3. aparentely if you "like" a whole bunch of webpages on Facebook just so that you can slap your blog's URL on it once a day everyday it is considered "abuse" and you're banned from doing it anymore. just a heads up. i guess i'll have to find another way to get the word out. where else can i do my digital graffiti? hmm...
4. it's funny how my husband tries to seduce me by making me laugh so hard that i nearly pee myself, and then he gets all in a huff because i get a bad case of the giggles while we're making love. i'm not laughing at him at all, just the Russian voice and the awkward gyrating bouncy dance he does to try and "get me hot". i love that man.
5. i saw a beautiful white and gold owl in the middle of the road while we were driving back home to Georgia from Virginia on Sunday. Deer? sure. Rabbit? of course. Armadillo- the state bird of Texas? absolutely. but an Owl? now that's a first.
Showing posts with label unicorn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unicorn. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Thursday, December 16, 2010
getting my Julie Andrews on
i'm inspired today to list some of my favorite things about life. now, this is by no means all of them, and they are not in order. and away we go:
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
7. Ninja Cupcakes. well, cupcakes in general. all cupcakes. my favorite are extra-moist-orange-vanilla-cupcakes-with-a-surprise-maraschino-cherry-center-and-lemon-frosting. however, Ninja cupcakes are both deadly, and delicious.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
here's a list of small paragraphs
A good friend of mine sent me a message requesting psyche-revealing answers to the following questions.
so Shelly, here's lookin' at you, kid.
1. what is your favorite word? and she starts off with a tough one. hmm... if i could only pick one.... well, it used to be Moisture. there was also a time when Pants was my number one. however, lately i've been leaning towards SOUP. but only when you say it kind of creepily. with a slight "h" in there. like "ssshoUUp.."
2. what is your least favorite word? probably Licorice. it conjures up a hateful smell, a disgusting taste, a slimey sight, and the memory of that evil Lord Licorice from Candyland that would always fuck shit up for me. it's a hateful, hateful substance and ergo a dispicable word.
3. what turns you on? honestly, being kissed on the neck, a good cologne (like Hugo Boss), hands on my hips, and knowing that i turn him on.
4. what turns you off? body odor, when i feel fat, if i'm having a bad hair day, being told that "sure, i guess i can try and rally for you", and sexual advances when i'm actively trying to get stuff done; for example, cleaning the house.
5. what sound or noise do you love? i love Ronin's laughter and his mumbling which just so happens to sound like him saying "mom".
6. what sound or noise do you hate? i very frequently hear a high pitched whine... and from anatomy & physiology classes i'm left to infer that it means that my cilia in my cochlea are laying down/dying so i'm losing more of my hearing. Silver Lining; soon i won't have any least favorite sounds! also, i don't like the sound that parachute pants/warm-up pants make when i walk in them. i feel like i'm the noisiest walker around, and that everyone is staring at me and my painfully 1980's dated attire.
7. what is your favorite curse word? it's a toss up between nigga and bitches. *to clarify- nigga is said only to my dearest friends and only out of love. :) but bitches is just fun to say... go ahead, try and say it without smiling. now try saying it more like beaches. go ahead, tell me you're not grinning like a fool with his pants on the ground, nigga!
8. what profession other than your own would you like to attempt? dude, i would LOVE to be in Cirque De Soliel!!! i'd be a contortionist, or a dancer, or one of those contortion-y ribbon dancing ladies. also, it might be cool to be a personal trainer A La Jillian Michaels on The Biggest Loser. i adore how completely vicious she is, and yet how her heart of gold still shines through. either profession though would give me a rockin' bod. for shiz, biiiitches.
9. what profession would you like NOT to do? i would not like to be a garbage collector, the janitor at a strip club, or porn/street-whoring. i have the feeling like any of those three give me a good chance at contracting some sort of life threatening Super-chancre-herpes-gonorrhea-syphillis-AIDS-pneumonia and i just can't chance it.
10. if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? it would probably be along the lines of "hey! you're here! oh good. i saved you a triple-beef-extra-bacon-extra-cheese zero-calorie cheeseburger and a full-flavored-lose-ten-pounds-now whole cheesecake. i think you're hilarious, you're a wonderful person, you did a great job loving your family, friends, and everyone you met, you have one hell of a kid, and enjoy Eternity doing whatever you want! also, here is your VERY OWN UNICORN! his name is Trevor. i love you, kiddo! glad you made it."
you may applaud now.
also, if anyone has other questions you'd like to shoot my way; either leave them here as comments, hit me up on my email (on my profile page), or send me a message on my facebook account.
with love to my niggas and bitches,
Krista
so Shelly, here's lookin' at you, kid.
1. what is your favorite word? and she starts off with a tough one. hmm... if i could only pick one.... well, it used to be Moisture. there was also a time when Pants was my number one. however, lately i've been leaning towards SOUP. but only when you say it kind of creepily. with a slight "h" in there. like "ssshoUUp.."
2. what is your least favorite word? probably Licorice. it conjures up a hateful smell, a disgusting taste, a slimey sight, and the memory of that evil Lord Licorice from Candyland that would always fuck shit up for me. it's a hateful, hateful substance and ergo a dispicable word.
3. what turns you on? honestly, being kissed on the neck, a good cologne (like Hugo Boss), hands on my hips, and knowing that i turn him on.
4. what turns you off? body odor, when i feel fat, if i'm having a bad hair day, being told that "sure, i guess i can try and rally for you", and sexual advances when i'm actively trying to get stuff done; for example, cleaning the house.
5. what sound or noise do you love? i love Ronin's laughter and his mumbling which just so happens to sound like him saying "mom".
6. what sound or noise do you hate? i very frequently hear a high pitched whine... and from anatomy & physiology classes i'm left to infer that it means that my cilia in my cochlea are laying down/dying so i'm losing more of my hearing. Silver Lining; soon i won't have any least favorite sounds! also, i don't like the sound that parachute pants/warm-up pants make when i walk in them. i feel like i'm the noisiest walker around, and that everyone is staring at me and my painfully 1980's dated attire.
7. what is your favorite curse word? it's a toss up between nigga and bitches. *to clarify- nigga is said only to my dearest friends and only out of love. :) but bitches is just fun to say... go ahead, try and say it without smiling. now try saying it more like beaches. go ahead, tell me you're not grinning like a fool with his pants on the ground, nigga!
8. what profession other than your own would you like to attempt? dude, i would LOVE to be in Cirque De Soliel!!! i'd be a contortionist, or a dancer, or one of those contortion-y ribbon dancing ladies. also, it might be cool to be a personal trainer A La Jillian Michaels on The Biggest Loser. i adore how completely vicious she is, and yet how her heart of gold still shines through. either profession though would give me a rockin' bod. for shiz, biiiitches.
9. what profession would you like NOT to do? i would not like to be a garbage collector, the janitor at a strip club, or porn/street-whoring. i have the feeling like any of those three give me a good chance at contracting some sort of life threatening Super-chancre-herpes-gonorrhea-syphillis-AIDS-pneumonia and i just can't chance it.
10. if heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? it would probably be along the lines of "hey! you're here! oh good. i saved you a triple-beef-extra-bacon-extra-cheese zero-calorie cheeseburger and a full-flavored-lose-ten-pounds-now whole cheesecake. i think you're hilarious, you're a wonderful person, you did a great job loving your family, friends, and everyone you met, you have one hell of a kid, and enjoy Eternity doing whatever you want! also, here is your VERY OWN UNICORN! his name is Trevor. i love you, kiddo! glad you made it."
you may applaud now.
also, if anyone has other questions you'd like to shoot my way; either leave them here as comments, hit me up on my email (on my profile page), or send me a message on my facebook account.
with love to my niggas and bitches,
Krista
Sunday, August 15, 2010
i don't exactly feel like flowers, fluff and unicorns tonight.
it's been... a day.
today can best be described by the following;
sometimes i feel like a volatile supervillain. usually, i'm my mild mannered alter-ego, Normal Mom. i go about my day, lovingly taking care of my child and being so sweet and supportive to my husband, doing little things around the house being all Plain Jane-y.
but after several weeks/months of this, something changes and the cracks start to show.
i continue to be Normal Mom and strain to keep the pieces of my calm alter-ego facade in tact until i just cain't no more.
and then i explode into B*tchy Kapow!
like today...
things just piled up and piled up... little things, nothing big, but it all added up and it was too much. so i dealt with it the best way i knew how.
it began after dinner. i was walking out to my car with Mike and i saw a stupid grimey blonde hoodlum LEANING AGAINST MY CAR and smoking. my eyebrow twitched and that was it. i lost it. i yelled at the punk to get the fuck off of my car. he mumbled "sorry" and stumbled away.
i felt so liberated, so free. so empowered. so deliciously bitchy. i can now understand why chicks are such meanie-heads, such bitches; it gives you such a high when you're yelling at delinquents with your eyes all bloodshot and junk.
i still have feelings of explode-o-rage, but i'm holding it in. i may or may not have, but definitely did lose my resolve a bit tonight and i had a set-back..... mentally. i won't go into any detail on that. let's just say that i'm not ready to be off of my Zoloft yet, and maybe i shouldn't have cut my dosage in half so soon.
sorry this post wasn't too funny, but i really don't feel like imparting levity tonight. i'm kind of disappointed in myself. on the other hand though, i feel free and mischievious and liberated.
my head is such a messed up place. i need a summer home for my brain.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The Other Guys was a very... different comedy and very good.
2. There needs to be a Mosquito Holocaust. also a Skunk Holocaust. Possibly a Cockroach Holocaust.
3. The girl sitting next to me at the movie theatre tonight smelled really good. i found myself sniffing in her direction several times over the duration of the movie and wondering if i should ask her what her perfume is called and where she got it.
4. i'm curious to find out if Amaretto and Vanilla Silk would be good; but Mike guilt tripped me out of trying it and now i'm unjustifiably bitter.
5. i dislike when i'm trying to type and people keep asking me questions. it takes ALL of my powers of concentration to put the right fingers to the right keys and to spludge together semi-coherant sentences, and ANY disruption in my focus shoots it all to hell.
6. i'm feeling a MILLION pressures to be skinny again. sigh. it's amazing how many of my actions or non-actions are motivated by guilt and shame.
7. i think i'm going to start planning ahead and mapping out my New Year's Resolutions for the end of this year.
8. i would love to try liposuction, but i have no faith in it. i fully expect that if i spend my life savings on getting my fat sucked out of my jiggly thighs, that the difference would be less than noticeable and that they would regain their puffy bloatedness within the week.
9. armadillos = not cute.
10. i stole a glass from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Mike broke the last one that i'd swiped so i had to replace it. it was my favorite, favorite glass. Mike is not allowed to touch this new one.
today can best be described by the following;
sometimes i feel like a volatile supervillain. usually, i'm my mild mannered alter-ego, Normal Mom. i go about my day, lovingly taking care of my child and being so sweet and supportive to my husband, doing little things around the house being all Plain Jane-y.
but after several weeks/months of this, something changes and the cracks start to show.
i continue to be Normal Mom and strain to keep the pieces of my calm alter-ego facade in tact until i just cain't no more.
and then i explode into B*tchy Kapow!
like today...
things just piled up and piled up... little things, nothing big, but it all added up and it was too much. so i dealt with it the best way i knew how.
it began after dinner. i was walking out to my car with Mike and i saw a stupid grimey blonde hoodlum LEANING AGAINST MY CAR and smoking. my eyebrow twitched and that was it. i lost it. i yelled at the punk to get the fuck off of my car. he mumbled "sorry" and stumbled away.
i felt so liberated, so free. so empowered. so deliciously bitchy. i can now understand why chicks are such meanie-heads, such bitches; it gives you such a high when you're yelling at delinquents with your eyes all bloodshot and junk.
i still have feelings of explode-o-rage, but i'm holding it in. i may or may not have, but definitely did lose my resolve a bit tonight and i had a set-back..... mentally. i won't go into any detail on that. let's just say that i'm not ready to be off of my Zoloft yet, and maybe i shouldn't have cut my dosage in half so soon.
sorry this post wasn't too funny, but i really don't feel like imparting levity tonight. i'm kind of disappointed in myself. on the other hand though, i feel free and mischievious and liberated.
my head is such a messed up place. i need a summer home for my brain.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The Other Guys was a very... different comedy and very good.
2. There needs to be a Mosquito Holocaust. also a Skunk Holocaust. Possibly a Cockroach Holocaust.
3. The girl sitting next to me at the movie theatre tonight smelled really good. i found myself sniffing in her direction several times over the duration of the movie and wondering if i should ask her what her perfume is called and where she got it.
4. i'm curious to find out if Amaretto and Vanilla Silk would be good; but Mike guilt tripped me out of trying it and now i'm unjustifiably bitter.
5. i dislike when i'm trying to type and people keep asking me questions. it takes ALL of my powers of concentration to put the right fingers to the right keys and to spludge together semi-coherant sentences, and ANY disruption in my focus shoots it all to hell.
6. i'm feeling a MILLION pressures to be skinny again. sigh. it's amazing how many of my actions or non-actions are motivated by guilt and shame.
7. i think i'm going to start planning ahead and mapping out my New Year's Resolutions for the end of this year.
8. i would love to try liposuction, but i have no faith in it. i fully expect that if i spend my life savings on getting my fat sucked out of my jiggly thighs, that the difference would be less than noticeable and that they would regain their puffy bloatedness within the week.
9. armadillos = not cute.
10. i stole a glass from Cheeburger Cheeburger. Mike broke the last one that i'd swiped so i had to replace it. it was my favorite, favorite glass. Mike is not allowed to touch this new one.
Friday, July 30, 2010
i want a bronzed statue of Neil Patrick Harris
you know you're in Georgia when all the local television ads use either race cars or hillbillies holding dogs to sell you their products. sometimes they'll use some drawl slathered slang spittin' bimbo with a diastema a mile wide.
just really classy stuff.
you know every time i hear or say the word "ultimatum" i think "old tomato" which doesn't make any sense at all. why would one give someone an old tomato? old tomatoes are good for one thing and one thing only; placing it on your buddy's chair inconspicuously so that when they sit down there is a sickening squish and they are left with a souvenier on their pants to remind them of how much you love them.
so.... i just ran my hand through my hair and a bunch of it came out. i did it again to see if maybe the last run-through was just my hair's attempt to get rid of all it's rejects in one fell swoop, but about the same amount came out the second time too. i hope my husband is into shiny and pasty scalps cuz i'm certain that that's what he'll be coming home to.
note to self... google "rogaine for women".... and possibly "effects of miracle grow on scalp of cheapskate woman cuz i hear rogaine ain't cheap".
so my goal for today was to finish getting the house ready for my in-laws who are on their way here, and to paint my fingernails. i achieved 50% of my first goal... no. i don't like how that sounds. sounds too "power point presentation". let's try again.
i epically attained a half-fail at the housework. oh well. Mister If-You-Put-Me-Down-Today-I'll-Cry-At-You-With-Such-Tears-That-You'll-Feel-Like-You-Just-Killed-Your-Pet-Unicorn comes first.
i did get the clear base-coat successfully on my right thumb though. so, 4% win?
i have been prompted to talk about Twilight in tonight's post. and just for Ri-Ri (Auntie Favorite) "oh i could talk about thith for a thouthand rethetheth". what. to say. The Books; terrific. The Movies:... meh. why couldn't they have gotten someone else to play Bella and Edward? If i could pick a different actress to play Bella it would be... Rachel McAdams. i have a HUGE lady-crush on Rachel McAdams. she's cute, she's intelligent, and you can tell that she'd be able to play a clutz sooooo much better than whats-her-face. also... sorry Rob P. you'd be replaced too. and by whom??
NEIL PATRICK MUTHA-LOVIN' HARRIS.
i thank my lucky stars and charms that the great NPH decided to come back after his post-dougie howser hiatus. that man is comedic gold. he captured my heart, my diaphragm, and often the beverage spurting forth from my nostrils. my favorite works of his include the ever so funny Saturday Night Live sketches, his Cocaine laced character on Harold and Kumar do White Castle, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite - Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
those are my picks. what's that? what TEAM am i on? i am firmly Team Alice! that chick is hot. *sizzle sound*
ugh, i'm corny.
speaking of which. i definitely should NOT have eaten that entire pan of cornbread today. it was just so good... but now i'm paying for it. you think i would have learned from the Great CupCake Disaster of A Week Ago Or Something Like That. at least the eggs and milk are gone so i couldn't really bake anything even if i wanted to. hmm. maybe if i desperately wanted to... i mean the store is like, way over there.
and guess what? y'all get a BONUS ending segment today. You're welcome. Happy Friday.
A Few of Krista's Favorite Quotes:
1. If the Soul dances the body will follow
2. I want a shirt that says "you shot me with your butt".
3. So you're going to kill her? "just for a little while, i'll bring her right back; i promise".
4. Don't ask "can I", ask " I can"!!
5. My strong leg's name is Chuck Norris. My other leg could be a spatula for all I care.
Krista's Tip of the Day:
Drive with your foot out the window. this is the ONLY way to get full use and enjoyment out of your car. in order to optimize your experience, you should stretch beforehand if possible. it is also a good idea to Wear Cool Shades as well as Pump Up Da Jamz. if you follow these simple suggestions, you will soon find yourself enveloped in what i can only describe as a Joyous Blanket of Thrills, Danger, and Potential Traffic Tickets. the latter of which can often be avoided if you happen to be a cute little lady wearing a swimsuit and not much else on your way to the beach. but only if the cop is a young lad. if he's the crotchety old man that stops you the second time that same day once you are within 5 minutes of said beach, you may not be so lucky.
but seriously, let those little piggies fly.
just really classy stuff.
you know every time i hear or say the word "ultimatum" i think "old tomato" which doesn't make any sense at all. why would one give someone an old tomato? old tomatoes are good for one thing and one thing only; placing it on your buddy's chair inconspicuously so that when they sit down there is a sickening squish and they are left with a souvenier on their pants to remind them of how much you love them.
so.... i just ran my hand through my hair and a bunch of it came out. i did it again to see if maybe the last run-through was just my hair's attempt to get rid of all it's rejects in one fell swoop, but about the same amount came out the second time too. i hope my husband is into shiny and pasty scalps cuz i'm certain that that's what he'll be coming home to.
note to self... google "rogaine for women".... and possibly "effects of miracle grow on scalp of cheapskate woman cuz i hear rogaine ain't cheap".
so my goal for today was to finish getting the house ready for my in-laws who are on their way here, and to paint my fingernails. i achieved 50% of my first goal... no. i don't like how that sounds. sounds too "power point presentation". let's try again.
i epically attained a half-fail at the housework. oh well. Mister If-You-Put-Me-Down-Today-I'll-Cry-At-You-With-Such-Tears-That-You'll-Feel-Like-You-Just-Killed-Your-Pet-Unicorn comes first.
i did get the clear base-coat successfully on my right thumb though. so, 4% win?
i have been prompted to talk about Twilight in tonight's post. and just for Ri-Ri (Auntie Favorite) "oh i could talk about thith for a thouthand rethetheth". what. to say. The Books; terrific. The Movies:... meh. why couldn't they have gotten someone else to play Bella and Edward? If i could pick a different actress to play Bella it would be... Rachel McAdams. i have a HUGE lady-crush on Rachel McAdams. she's cute, she's intelligent, and you can tell that she'd be able to play a clutz sooooo much better than whats-her-face. also... sorry Rob P. you'd be replaced too. and by whom??
NEIL PATRICK MUTHA-LOVIN' HARRIS.
i thank my lucky stars and charms that the great NPH decided to come back after his post-dougie howser hiatus. that man is comedic gold. he captured my heart, my diaphragm, and often the beverage spurting forth from my nostrils. my favorite works of his include the ever so funny Saturday Night Live sketches, his Cocaine laced character on Harold and Kumar do White Castle, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite - Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
those are my picks. what's that? what TEAM am i on? i am firmly Team Alice! that chick is hot. *sizzle sound*
ugh, i'm corny.
speaking of which. i definitely should NOT have eaten that entire pan of cornbread today. it was just so good... but now i'm paying for it. you think i would have learned from the Great CupCake Disaster of A Week Ago Or Something Like That. at least the eggs and milk are gone so i couldn't really bake anything even if i wanted to. hmm. maybe if i desperately wanted to... i mean the store is like, way over there.
and guess what? y'all get a BONUS ending segment today. You're welcome. Happy Friday.
A Few of Krista's Favorite Quotes:
1. If the Soul dances the body will follow
2. I want a shirt that says "you shot me with your butt".
3. So you're going to kill her? "just for a little while, i'll bring her right back; i promise".
4. Don't ask "can I", ask " I can"!!
5. My strong leg's name is Chuck Norris. My other leg could be a spatula for all I care.
Krista's Tip of the Day:
Drive with your foot out the window. this is the ONLY way to get full use and enjoyment out of your car. in order to optimize your experience, you should stretch beforehand if possible. it is also a good idea to Wear Cool Shades as well as Pump Up Da Jamz. if you follow these simple suggestions, you will soon find yourself enveloped in what i can only describe as a Joyous Blanket of Thrills, Danger, and Potential Traffic Tickets. the latter of which can often be avoided if you happen to be a cute little lady wearing a swimsuit and not much else on your way to the beach. but only if the cop is a young lad. if he's the crotchety old man that stops you the second time that same day once you are within 5 minutes of said beach, you may not be so lucky.
but seriously, let those little piggies fly.
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