letters to random objects/nouns.

Dear Polka Dot,
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end.  i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from.  did you spring from Zeus's head too?

Quizzically,
Krista


 Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today.  you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth.  although, i often feel underdressed when i say you.  you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations.  please forgive my redneckedness.  continue being awesome.

all the best,
Krista


Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale.  i nearly puked twice today because of you.  know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack.  dear God do you know how to clear out a room.  the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness.  however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.

respectfully,
Krista


Dear cupcakes,
it had to end.  i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman.  i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund).  i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry.  i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk.  he was always good to both of us.

tenderly,
Krista


Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now.  you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased.  your days are numbered my friend.  i don't need you.  you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see.  you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.

gauntlet thrown,
Krista



Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today.  you're right, i do feel better about myself.  keep up the good work.

fondly,
Krista



Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe?  have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes?  dude, i thought we were bros.

what gives?
Krista


Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:

1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella.  i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits.  namaste.

2.  i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.

3.  my left eye is lazy.  it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water.  come on Left Eye, get a job.   no disrespect, TLC.

4.  what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers?  cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y.  i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers.  my birthday is coming up after all.

5.  my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26.  i might as well be turning 40.

6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night.  not with this much air circulating around my lobes.