the gym; a bittersweet blend of shame, pain, sweat and hope.

my son (who is a delightful 5 month old that i breastfeed) has a new trick that he showed me today.  my little man decided that from now on, when he eats, he needs to sing to me.  it's very sweet. he'll be wolfin' down his milk, and after every other gulp he'll give me a few notes of his new hit single "mmmmMNMMMMNNNNmmnnnnn .... hoooommmnnnnnoooooommm....".

it's going to be an international hit.

i find that it's... a bit different going to the gym now that i've had a kid and my body/skin has been stretched wafer thin, packed with fat, rode hard and put away jiggly.  i find that i have to give my self a pep-talk for the duration of my stay at the gym.

what's that you say? why of course !  i'd love to play back my inner monologue for you.

"alright. dropped off the Little Man at the nursery, time to hit the machines.
what to do, what to do.
if i get on the treadmills, then i'll have two rows of people staring at my jiggles...
if i get on the ellipticals i'll get a good workout and i'll only have...4, 5, six older men forced to stare at my butt.
ellipticals it is.
sheesh, so this is what it feels like to have a heart attack.
well at least i know my sweat glands work.
i can't imagine sweating all the time every day like that chick on that Discovery Health show that i saw today
ugh, i have soooo many rolls under this tank top... all a-fluttering.
hey, you had a BABY, cut yourself some slack.
and that feeling of having a near death experience? that's cuz you haven't done anything even remotely physical for the last 14 months. that's over a year, hon.
it's ok.
aww man. everyone is staring. i feel so gross.
well, i'm married. and i have a kid. who cares if everyone thinks i look like Sasquatch with a thyroid problem?
sigh*
looking forward to the day that i can suck in my stomach and it actually sucks in instead of just bunching up.
three situps. three. that's pretty pitiful.
no, no it's not! they SLICED through your abdominal muscles, remember?  i was completely severed for a while there.
that's kind of weird, i'm laying on this bench and my love handles hurt. that's such a foreign feeling. pressure on extra tissue hurts.  i wonder if it hurts for other overweight/out of shape people.  do i have tumors there? maybe that's why the flab hurts when i lay on it...
man, Glee is an odd and complicated little show...
alright. now that i've sweat 8 pounds off, let's collect the Angel Child and go home.
someday you'll be hot enough to get the Good Stares at the gym again.
someday."


so.  oh! hey! i figured it out: that's why people hate going to the gym if they're not already in shape!!  I'm an analytical genius!


10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:

1.  my muscles are sore = i actually had a good workout.

2.  i got Ronin to take an hour long nap today, and whilst he slumbered i cleaned two bathrooms, the kitchen, did laundry and picked up things around the house.  Responsibility Win!

3.  i did not smush any baby bunnies today.  not that i do on any other day, or that i ever really could have, but the fact remains that i didn't and that means i'm awesome.  and not a baby bunny slaughterer.

4.  Gatorade has dubbed dancing a "sport".  hooray! it's official because Gatorade has all power and authority over all things physical!  a bit after the fact, but now i can claim that at once in my life i was a bonafide athlete! 

5.  i double as a towel.  Ronin just slathered my face with a handful of his warm wet slobber.  best moisturizer ever.  Suck It Neutrigena!

6.  i used my catlike reflexes this morning to catch Ronin's spit-up before it hit the couch. Save!!

7.  i still have MOST of the jar of Nutella left.  and i've had it for a whole week now.  no other jar of Nutella has ever lasted this long in my house.

8.  even though Ronin Ninja Peed me today and ended the Dry Streak we'd been having; he had mercy on me by not forcing me to clean up after any Armageddon-Nuclear-Holocaust-Poo Diapers.

9.  i got cut off in the parking lot by two females who then had the audacity to look over and laugh at me and i totally could have informed them of the error of their ways, but i decided to be classy, take the high-road, and not scream out " you whores!!". Maturity win!

10.  only two more days until i'll be able to take a nap if/when i want to!!!  i'm ridiculously irrationally excited about getting bonus sleep.