Obsession: the cure to the Obesity Epidemic.

the secret to weight loss is Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. 

i've been trying for 7+ months now to lose the baby weight and i've finally found a way to do it.

i live, sleep, eat and breathe Obsession.  when i wake up i prepare myself for dissappointment in the breakfast department. no pop tarts, no cinnamon rolls, no apple pie, no 8 cupcakes from the baking foray the night before...

just plain ol' fiber packed cereal and light soymilk. maybe coffee.

then i spend the next few hours trying to distract myself from how hungry i am. i run around with my son, i log my caloric intake and sob internally, i go up and down the stairs repeatedly and seemingly aimlessly in an attempt to destroy the calories from breakfast, and i foolishly dream of cupcakes.

then lunch time. i pick and choose my meal, attempting to find something that fills me and still meets the parameters of the calories that i've allowed myself to eat by 1pm.  this usually ends up being way less than i feel like i should be ingesting.

so i die a little bit inside.

afternoon.... i hope and pray that the Angel Baby takes a nap so that i can sleep away some of the time between my pitiful meager lunch and the looming glory of dinner....sometimes he does and it's splendid. other times i agonize for hours, doing squats here and there, leg lifts while i watch Ronin play with his toys on the floor, donkey kicks to fix my "saggy booty" as my lover so gingerly labeled it.

every now and again, i hit the gym and frantically/manically attempt to pulverize my fat with as much cardio as i can squeeze in between the time i get there and the time that the nursery attendants come inform me that my darling child has transformed into a screaming banshee. those are the glorious days; the days when i can feel the jiggle being released from my body in the form of pain and sweat.

but all these days end the same. i put my Superior Man-child to bed and stay up doing crunches and booty-squeezy things for about another hour or so, feeling fat and hating...so much... that i am.... so large.


now. this may seem like an overreaction, but that's because no one but myself can truly understand the love affair that i have with food.

except doughnuts. and licorice. those are pure satanic fodder, no matter what my husband would have you believe.

i do, truly, love food.  i love that creamy, smooth feel of perfectly baked cheesecake hitting my tongue. i love the salty cheesy warm hug that a cheeseburger gives my mouth. i love the satisfying mastication of pasta and its rich and hearty weight as it hits my stomach and lets me know that it's all okay because soon i won't be hungry anymore. i love the gooey chocolatey goodness of a hot-out-of-the-oven homemade chocolate chip cookie. and i love the fluffy sugary bliss of a citrus cupcake (orange cake, maraschino cherry pushed into the middle as a surprise, lemon frosting, and sprinkles) as it hits my tastebuds and sends me into a feeding frenzy.

so this "not eating whatever my body demands" and "watching my calorie intake" just sucks balls.

every day i feel like having an infantile temper tantrum. but i don't. because i don't want Ronin thinking that that's the proper reaction to not having 4 Meat extra cheese pizza.


sheesh. even as i type this i'm salivating.



Krista's Thoughts (waaaaaaaay) Before Bedtime:

1.  so some math symbols, pi (3.14......) and i (the square root of -1)  got into a fight the other day. i didn't hear all of it, but i did here the end. i said "be rational!!" and pi said "get real!!"  . guffaw. i love math jokes.

2.  ladies, if you cherish your carefully sculpted abs, then NEVER let anyone slice through them in attempts to pull your offspring out of you. i mean, if you can help it.

3.  i proclaim DEATH to this 48+ hour headache. i'ma try the tylenol again, but if it doesn't go away i'm getting the chisel and going after it Dr. Stein style! and if it works, i could be the best doctor in Orange County! (get it? get it?)

4.  i love a mild Boston accent.

5.  i'd be such a good mom if only i wasn't so much of an airhead. i went to Northern VIRGINIA in the FALL. OCTOBER. and didn't pack any long pants for my son. NONE. oh. my. god i'm retarded. it was supposed to be in the low seventies, and i get here and it's "a high of 55 degrees today" and i'm looking like a terrible mother because my poor perfect offspring is forced to romp around in a one-sie and shorts. thank God for daddy bringing long pants by, and Old Navy for having the things that i forgot.

6.  iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm so hungry i'm having trouble having thoughts about anything else.

7.  hmm.... Sarah Jessica Parker really does have a horse face.

8.  i think i'd like to have a bear as a pet. a nice gentle bear that i could saddle up and ride. we'd saunter into town and growl at everyone and they'd be forced to give us free cheesecake. and liposuction.

9.  if a vampire gets a splinter, does he "die"? cuz... it's kind of like a mini-wooden stake... discuss.

10.  i got whistled at today as i was pushing Ronin to the park in his stroller. YES!!! i can still be sexually objectified by men!! i haven't completely lost "it"!! i can still be considered as desirable enough to merit a casual out-the-window-drive-by whistle!! woot! so maybe there's hope for me yet. i'm nowhere NEAR being as hot and tempting as those slutty little perfect bodied women that i envy soooo much.... but at least i'm not a lost cause. some day, some glorious day, i'll be physically attractive enough to "get off" to.  i still have my goals and hopes and dreams.

the gym; a bittersweet blend of shame, pain, sweat and hope.

my son (who is a delightful 5 month old that i breastfeed) has a new trick that he showed me today.  my little man decided that from now on, when he eats, he needs to sing to me.  it's very sweet. he'll be wolfin' down his milk, and after every other gulp he'll give me a few notes of his new hit single "mmmmMNMMMMNNNNmmnnnnn .... hoooommmnnnnnoooooommm....".

it's going to be an international hit.

i find that it's... a bit different going to the gym now that i've had a kid and my body/skin has been stretched wafer thin, packed with fat, rode hard and put away jiggly.  i find that i have to give my self a pep-talk for the duration of my stay at the gym.

what's that you say? why of course !  i'd love to play back my inner monologue for you.

"alright. dropped off the Little Man at the nursery, time to hit the machines.
what to do, what to do.
if i get on the treadmills, then i'll have two rows of people staring at my jiggles...
if i get on the ellipticals i'll get a good workout and i'll only have...4, 5, six older men forced to stare at my butt.
ellipticals it is.
sheesh, so this is what it feels like to have a heart attack.
well at least i know my sweat glands work.
i can't imagine sweating all the time every day like that chick on that Discovery Health show that i saw today
ugh, i have soooo many rolls under this tank top... all a-fluttering.
hey, you had a BABY, cut yourself some slack.
and that feeling of having a near death experience? that's cuz you haven't done anything even remotely physical for the last 14 months. that's over a year, hon.
it's ok.
aww man. everyone is staring. i feel so gross.
well, i'm married. and i have a kid. who cares if everyone thinks i look like Sasquatch with a thyroid problem?
sigh*
looking forward to the day that i can suck in my stomach and it actually sucks in instead of just bunching up.
three situps. three. that's pretty pitiful.
no, no it's not! they SLICED through your abdominal muscles, remember?  i was completely severed for a while there.
that's kind of weird, i'm laying on this bench and my love handles hurt. that's such a foreign feeling. pressure on extra tissue hurts.  i wonder if it hurts for other overweight/out of shape people.  do i have tumors there? maybe that's why the flab hurts when i lay on it...
man, Glee is an odd and complicated little show...
alright. now that i've sweat 8 pounds off, let's collect the Angel Child and go home.
someday you'll be hot enough to get the Good Stares at the gym again.
someday."


so.  oh! hey! i figured it out: that's why people hate going to the gym if they're not already in shape!!  I'm an analytical genius!


10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:

1.  my muscles are sore = i actually had a good workout.

2.  i got Ronin to take an hour long nap today, and whilst he slumbered i cleaned two bathrooms, the kitchen, did laundry and picked up things around the house.  Responsibility Win!

3.  i did not smush any baby bunnies today.  not that i do on any other day, or that i ever really could have, but the fact remains that i didn't and that means i'm awesome.  and not a baby bunny slaughterer.

4.  Gatorade has dubbed dancing a "sport".  hooray! it's official because Gatorade has all power and authority over all things physical!  a bit after the fact, but now i can claim that at once in my life i was a bonafide athlete! 

5.  i double as a towel.  Ronin just slathered my face with a handful of his warm wet slobber.  best moisturizer ever.  Suck It Neutrigena!

6.  i used my catlike reflexes this morning to catch Ronin's spit-up before it hit the couch. Save!!

7.  i still have MOST of the jar of Nutella left.  and i've had it for a whole week now.  no other jar of Nutella has ever lasted this long in my house.

8.  even though Ronin Ninja Peed me today and ended the Dry Streak we'd been having; he had mercy on me by not forcing me to clean up after any Armageddon-Nuclear-Holocaust-Poo Diapers.

9.  i got cut off in the parking lot by two females who then had the audacity to look over and laugh at me and i totally could have informed them of the error of their ways, but i decided to be classy, take the high-road, and not scream out " you whores!!". Maturity win!

10.  only two more days until i'll be able to take a nap if/when i want to!!!  i'm ridiculously irrationally excited about getting bonus sleep.