Frog Lips

so it's finally happening. I'm leaving the state of Georgia and i'm never going back!

we head to Maryland a week from today and i couldn't be more excited.

it's sad that i'll be leaving some awesome friends, but true friendship doesn't dissolve with time and distance.


the only thing i'm truly worried about is my cats.

i'm staring at a 9+ hours car ride with two cats and a 15 month old.

i've started having night tremors about cat piss in my car.



Mischief will most likely be fine. He'll climb up on my shoulder, impede my ability to check my blind spots, and look out the window the whole time while yowling in my ear and demanding pets. Lady i'm sure will crawl under the seats and piss herself the entire time out of terror.

she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and on top of that she's a Giant Weenie.



i guess the best i can do is cover the upholstery in plastic sheets, pop a couple of Ronin's diapers on their kitty butts and hope for the best.


or keep them in their kennel. which might be the better option.



i do think they'd look cute in Ronin's Sesame Street diapers though.

little tails poking through...




haha, just had an idea for the Shortest Post Ever: Reasons why Georgia is Awesome.

it's not.

end of post.




Krista's Random Thoughts Before Starting her Day:

1) why did i not capitalize the "h" in "her"? huh.

2) the lady at Progressive that i talked to today sounded exactly like the chick from Flight Of The Conchords. This chick:

i spent the entire time on the phone with her trying not to crack up.

3) Ronin is eating a muffin in his high chair and dancing because he's so happy about it. Awesome.

4) If you're not watching the show GLEE then you are missing out on some FANTASTIC music. Music such as this: 

5) Bridesmaids is a hilarious movie! definitely a "girlfriends" flick. I'm going to miss my girls when i move!

6) went to get some black nail polish today, and Ronin reaches up to me holding a very pretty shell/coral pink. he picked it out for me! so of course i got it. how could i not?

7) the Army is packing all of our stuff up for us and hauling it off and away to MD on Friday. we don't leave until Monday or Tuesday. it's gonna be awkward living in an empty townhouse for the weekend with no dishes/beds/couches/tv/microwave/crib/dressers....

8) it's taking longer than i expected to get pregnant again. oh well. it just means that my summer clothes will fit me this year <3  the baby will come when it comes.

9) on an seperate and not-unrelated note, my biological Big Ben is booming away in the back of my mind. I ain't gettin' any younger.

10)  PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS BLOG! i promise that once i get to Maryland i'll be writing more.

11) My little Brother gets back from his mission to California for the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on the 15th and i'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM TO MEET HIS NEPHEW!! i'm also excited to see him myself; he's pretty awesome!


peace, peas, and chicken grease. ugh, gross. nevermind the grease. how about, peace, peas, and homemade nutella chocolate chip cookies?

the importance of paying attention

i have learned, after a series of follies, that paying attention is important.

paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.

1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:

When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.

2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You: 

Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.

3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:

I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot.  My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.

4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:

My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table,  find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off.  I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.


5 Small Things I Did Today:

1)  Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.

2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.

3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.

4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...

5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.



Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.

Walmart people are terrifying

everytime i go to walmart here in Georgia, i die a little bit inside.

i lose more and more faith in humanity.

today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.

i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."

oh. my. God.

it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.

it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.


it's terrifying.

imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.

like i said, terrifying.

also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?


so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.

also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".

yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.


maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.

also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.


think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
 
 
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
 
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
 
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
 
 
 
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
 
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.

the word of the day is "NOT"

it's official;  i have achieved my purpose in life.  Ronin now DANCES.  it's pretty much the best thing ever to witness.  he does the Diaper Booty Bounce, the Joyful Foot Stomp, and Bend Ovah To Da Front and Touch/Drool On Ya Toes.

i clearly have a superior child.


in other news, my husband recently opened my eyes to a new definition of love.  so yesterday, Mike decides to bare his soul to me and tells me that "our love is like a Turnip, in that they both exist".  i found this to be incredibly funny; i randomly found myself convulsing and snorting for a good hour after that.  i am his Love Turnip.  and contrary to popular belief Turnips should NOT be juiced. it is painful.  so no matter what my hubby says, he is not to be believed.  and i am NOT to be juiced.

also.  after much soul searching, i would like to break down and discuss why clowns are NOT funny and are, in fact, Scary Death Machines.  my evidence is as follows.

Large Feet/Shoes: who decided that boat-feet are funny? just because someone can effectively navigate an ocean with only a small dinghy, half an oar, and their freak-flippers doesn't mean that their plight is humorous.  surely this persecution makes them embarrassed, shameful and, over time, engulfed in a blinding murderous rage.

White Face Paint: last i checked, the white and pasty look belonged to the goths.  it's not exactly the Make-Up of Levity.  dead people are usually not instruments of mirth.   usually.

Red Nose:  are clowns sick? do they have the Swine Flu Syphillis Malaria Super Aids? well, they must because their schnauzes are always bulbous and rouge.

Crazy Colored Outfits:  this may be the most sickening trait of all.  these get-ups that the clowns wear- what with the stripes and the polka dots and the puffiness- are terrifying.  there is just way too much going on.  it's like Rainbow Brite (tm) was put into a Bear-sized blender, pureed, and then spewn onto coveralls with a snow blower.

Painted On Smile:  how sick and twisted.  these poor creatures are forced to appear happy.  i don't know about you, but it makes it all the more disturbing seeing that bright red pseudo-grin when it's chasing me, mouth open, teeth gleaming in the sun, and a blood curdling screaching laugh hanging in the air. 

so.  Clowns = Definitely Terrifying and Never Funny.


Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. if presented with the opportunity, i would like to fingerpaint with Nutella and Cherry Preserves.  that way i could make a masterpiece AND lick my fingers clean.  win-win.

2.  butterscotch is only tasty when in melty chip or pudding form.

3.  today my son's favorite activity was whining and squealing.

4. wow. how long has it been since i shaved my legs?.... hmm...

5.  i have NO patience for people who try to patronize me.  so i end up being snotty and short tempered with them on Facebook (tm) chat and then logging off.  but i have NO regrets and and do NOT feel sorry about it.  such people have been pissing me off for too long.

6.  one month until i'm 26.  so.... can i be done with acne already? i mean seriously. i haven't been a teenager for 7 years.

7.  my intestines hurt.

8.  Lucy Lawless is a Cylon.

9.  the kittens are being extra snuggly today... i wonder what kind of shenanegans they are plotting....

10.  the expression is "they had to have done that" and NOT "they had 2 OF done that".  jeez people; stop being 'tards so we can understand what you're writing.



and remember,  Meth is one hell of a drug.

the gym; a bittersweet blend of shame, pain, sweat and hope.

my son (who is a delightful 5 month old that i breastfeed) has a new trick that he showed me today.  my little man decided that from now on, when he eats, he needs to sing to me.  it's very sweet. he'll be wolfin' down his milk, and after every other gulp he'll give me a few notes of his new hit single "mmmmMNMMMMNNNNmmnnnnn .... hoooommmnnnnnoooooommm....".

it's going to be an international hit.

i find that it's... a bit different going to the gym now that i've had a kid and my body/skin has been stretched wafer thin, packed with fat, rode hard and put away jiggly.  i find that i have to give my self a pep-talk for the duration of my stay at the gym.

what's that you say? why of course !  i'd love to play back my inner monologue for you.

"alright. dropped off the Little Man at the nursery, time to hit the machines.
what to do, what to do.
if i get on the treadmills, then i'll have two rows of people staring at my jiggles...
if i get on the ellipticals i'll get a good workout and i'll only have...4, 5, six older men forced to stare at my butt.
ellipticals it is.
sheesh, so this is what it feels like to have a heart attack.
well at least i know my sweat glands work.
i can't imagine sweating all the time every day like that chick on that Discovery Health show that i saw today
ugh, i have soooo many rolls under this tank top... all a-fluttering.
hey, you had a BABY, cut yourself some slack.
and that feeling of having a near death experience? that's cuz you haven't done anything even remotely physical for the last 14 months. that's over a year, hon.
it's ok.
aww man. everyone is staring. i feel so gross.
well, i'm married. and i have a kid. who cares if everyone thinks i look like Sasquatch with a thyroid problem?
sigh*
looking forward to the day that i can suck in my stomach and it actually sucks in instead of just bunching up.
three situps. three. that's pretty pitiful.
no, no it's not! they SLICED through your abdominal muscles, remember?  i was completely severed for a while there.
that's kind of weird, i'm laying on this bench and my love handles hurt. that's such a foreign feeling. pressure on extra tissue hurts.  i wonder if it hurts for other overweight/out of shape people.  do i have tumors there? maybe that's why the flab hurts when i lay on it...
man, Glee is an odd and complicated little show...
alright. now that i've sweat 8 pounds off, let's collect the Angel Child and go home.
someday you'll be hot enough to get the Good Stares at the gym again.
someday."


so.  oh! hey! i figured it out: that's why people hate going to the gym if they're not already in shape!!  I'm an analytical genius!


10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:

1.  my muscles are sore = i actually had a good workout.

2.  i got Ronin to take an hour long nap today, and whilst he slumbered i cleaned two bathrooms, the kitchen, did laundry and picked up things around the house.  Responsibility Win!

3.  i did not smush any baby bunnies today.  not that i do on any other day, or that i ever really could have, but the fact remains that i didn't and that means i'm awesome.  and not a baby bunny slaughterer.

4.  Gatorade has dubbed dancing a "sport".  hooray! it's official because Gatorade has all power and authority over all things physical!  a bit after the fact, but now i can claim that at once in my life i was a bonafide athlete! 

5.  i double as a towel.  Ronin just slathered my face with a handful of his warm wet slobber.  best moisturizer ever.  Suck It Neutrigena!

6.  i used my catlike reflexes this morning to catch Ronin's spit-up before it hit the couch. Save!!

7.  i still have MOST of the jar of Nutella left.  and i've had it for a whole week now.  no other jar of Nutella has ever lasted this long in my house.

8.  even though Ronin Ninja Peed me today and ended the Dry Streak we'd been having; he had mercy on me by not forcing me to clean up after any Armageddon-Nuclear-Holocaust-Poo Diapers.

9.  i got cut off in the parking lot by two females who then had the audacity to look over and laugh at me and i totally could have informed them of the error of their ways, but i decided to be classy, take the high-road, and not scream out " you whores!!". Maturity win!

10.  only two more days until i'll be able to take a nap if/when i want to!!!  i'm ridiculously irrationally excited about getting bonus sleep.