More Letters to random... randoms.

Dear Walmart;
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane.  It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers.  Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista


Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista


Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body.  I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus. 
Firmly,
Krista


Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista


Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista


Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today.  I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista


Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out.  Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista


Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista


Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey.  I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats.  And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista


Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.

2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.

3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.

4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.

5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!

6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.

7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.

8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.

9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.

10) cheesesteak sandwich.

the word of the day is "NOT"

it's official;  i have achieved my purpose in life.  Ronin now DANCES.  it's pretty much the best thing ever to witness.  he does the Diaper Booty Bounce, the Joyful Foot Stomp, and Bend Ovah To Da Front and Touch/Drool On Ya Toes.

i clearly have a superior child.


in other news, my husband recently opened my eyes to a new definition of love.  so yesterday, Mike decides to bare his soul to me and tells me that "our love is like a Turnip, in that they both exist".  i found this to be incredibly funny; i randomly found myself convulsing and snorting for a good hour after that.  i am his Love Turnip.  and contrary to popular belief Turnips should NOT be juiced. it is painful.  so no matter what my hubby says, he is not to be believed.  and i am NOT to be juiced.

also.  after much soul searching, i would like to break down and discuss why clowns are NOT funny and are, in fact, Scary Death Machines.  my evidence is as follows.

Large Feet/Shoes: who decided that boat-feet are funny? just because someone can effectively navigate an ocean with only a small dinghy, half an oar, and their freak-flippers doesn't mean that their plight is humorous.  surely this persecution makes them embarrassed, shameful and, over time, engulfed in a blinding murderous rage.

White Face Paint: last i checked, the white and pasty look belonged to the goths.  it's not exactly the Make-Up of Levity.  dead people are usually not instruments of mirth.   usually.

Red Nose:  are clowns sick? do they have the Swine Flu Syphillis Malaria Super Aids? well, they must because their schnauzes are always bulbous and rouge.

Crazy Colored Outfits:  this may be the most sickening trait of all.  these get-ups that the clowns wear- what with the stripes and the polka dots and the puffiness- are terrifying.  there is just way too much going on.  it's like Rainbow Brite (tm) was put into a Bear-sized blender, pureed, and then spewn onto coveralls with a snow blower.

Painted On Smile:  how sick and twisted.  these poor creatures are forced to appear happy.  i don't know about you, but it makes it all the more disturbing seeing that bright red pseudo-grin when it's chasing me, mouth open, teeth gleaming in the sun, and a blood curdling screaching laugh hanging in the air. 

so.  Clowns = Definitely Terrifying and Never Funny.


Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. if presented with the opportunity, i would like to fingerpaint with Nutella and Cherry Preserves.  that way i could make a masterpiece AND lick my fingers clean.  win-win.

2.  butterscotch is only tasty when in melty chip or pudding form.

3.  today my son's favorite activity was whining and squealing.

4. wow. how long has it been since i shaved my legs?.... hmm...

5.  i have NO patience for people who try to patronize me.  so i end up being snotty and short tempered with them on Facebook (tm) chat and then logging off.  but i have NO regrets and and do NOT feel sorry about it.  such people have been pissing me off for too long.

6.  one month until i'm 26.  so.... can i be done with acne already? i mean seriously. i haven't been a teenager for 7 years.

7.  my intestines hurt.

8.  Lucy Lawless is a Cylon.

9.  the kittens are being extra snuggly today... i wonder what kind of shenanegans they are plotting....

10.  the expression is "they had to have done that" and NOT "they had 2 OF done that".  jeez people; stop being 'tards so we can understand what you're writing.



and remember,  Meth is one hell of a drug.