Walmart people are terrifying

everytime i go to walmart here in Georgia, i die a little bit inside.

i lose more and more faith in humanity.

today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.

i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."

oh. my. God.

it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.

it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.


it's terrifying.

imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.

like i said, terrifying.

also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?


so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.

also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".

yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.


maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.

also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.


think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
 
 
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
 
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
 
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
 
 
 
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
 
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.

Dear Food Network,
You have done a beautiful thing; you have achieved an amazing sense of balance.  Thank you for the last two hours of Amazing Cakes and Cupcake Wars, sprinkled with 20 second ads for Weight Watchers.  You sure know how to keep my jiggly butt in check.  Every time you go to commercial, and i get off of the couch to go start making an apple cobbler, I hear Jennifer Hudson talking about how she lost weight and how i can "be a winner too".  So I hang my head, swallow my disappointment at the lack of sugar in my system, and begrudgingly leave the kitchen un-cobblered.

Gratefully,
Krista


Dear Gay Best Friend,
Where are you? We should DEFINITELY hang out more than we do now, which is never.  I need someone to go to chick flicks with me and my girlfriends that can be a force to be reckoned with should we run into hooligans, who also won't be checking out my swollen Mama-Rack every 2 seconds.  Also, let's go see Lady Gaga together; I have a HUGE lady-crush on her.

Love!
Krista


Dear Kitty Litter,
Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why on earth do you have to be so gross and disgusting? How many years have cats been domesticated now? That's right. Seventy billion.  So why don't we have a non-smelly super hybrid variety of kitty litter?  My son stinks the house up enough on his own, I REALLY don't need your help.  Also, stop getting stuck to my cat's feet because giving my cats baths to get rid of their "poop feet" only results in pissed off kitties and the loss of several pints of my blood.  And I need my blood. I made it myself.

Please stop sucking so much,
Krista


Dear Starbucks,
You have inspired me to find a new vocation in life.  I am going to become a very specific kind of thief.  One day I will don my black ski mask and black leather catsuit, caution to the wind, fashion sense be damned, and I will sneak into your store in the wee hours of the night and steal all of your delicious secrets to scrumptious coffee treats.  Thank you for showing me a new path to follow and transforming me into a hardened criminal with a very specific goal.  Motivation and direction are everything and I owe mine to you.

Sneakily,
Krista



Dear Vacuum  Cleaner,

No.  No sir.

~Krista


Dear 76 Year Old Man on America's Got Talent,
Dude. no one wants to see you strip. Specifically no one wants to see those pasties/tassels on your man-boobs. Now, the diaper under the mustard yellow boxers was a nice touch, and the knee brace endearing, but nobody is Ever ready for that much body hair. Especially if they are feeding their child, look up, see you and scream.  Milk goes everywhere, the angel baby cries, and it takes 17 points off of the night's Relaxation Factor.  Fix yo'self.

Sincerely,
Krista




Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:

1. my kid has ADD. i'm fairly certain of it.

2.  i still want to make apple cobbler. take that Jennifer Hudson!

3. my readers are the absolute BEST.

4. nobody looks good in a unitard. well, maybe Uma Thurman, my alter ego and, somehow simultaneously, girlfriend.

5.  i think that my bladder thinks i'm pregnant again.  either that or i need to go on "old lady leaky pipe" medication.

6. olives are delicious.  when i was little, i'd put them on the ends of my fingertips to eat them, and i'd drink the juice that they were packed in the can with.  ok, maybe i was a bit of and odd child.

7.  i also ate ketchup sandwiches.  which is exactly what it sounds like.  ketchup and bread.  ok, so maybe we were a tad poor when i was a  child.

8.  this stupid storm is ruining my evening.  i had big plans to..... ok i had no plans.  Fine.  keep raining and scaring my baby.

9.  my cat knocked my ring off of the counter when i was washing my hands and it broke. FMLPSITAWNRA.

10.  I WIN AT LIFE!!!!