Dear Food Network,
You have done a beautiful thing; you have achieved an amazing sense of balance.  Thank you for the last two hours of Amazing Cakes and Cupcake Wars, sprinkled with 20 second ads for Weight Watchers.  You sure know how to keep my jiggly butt in check.  Every time you go to commercial, and i get off of the couch to go start making an apple cobbler, I hear Jennifer Hudson talking about how she lost weight and how i can "be a winner too".  So I hang my head, swallow my disappointment at the lack of sugar in my system, and begrudgingly leave the kitchen un-cobblered.

Gratefully,
Krista


Dear Gay Best Friend,
Where are you? We should DEFINITELY hang out more than we do now, which is never.  I need someone to go to chick flicks with me and my girlfriends that can be a force to be reckoned with should we run into hooligans, who also won't be checking out my swollen Mama-Rack every 2 seconds.  Also, let's go see Lady Gaga together; I have a HUGE lady-crush on her.

Love!
Krista


Dear Kitty Litter,
Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why on earth do you have to be so gross and disgusting? How many years have cats been domesticated now? That's right. Seventy billion.  So why don't we have a non-smelly super hybrid variety of kitty litter?  My son stinks the house up enough on his own, I REALLY don't need your help.  Also, stop getting stuck to my cat's feet because giving my cats baths to get rid of their "poop feet" only results in pissed off kitties and the loss of several pints of my blood.  And I need my blood. I made it myself.

Please stop sucking so much,
Krista


Dear Starbucks,
You have inspired me to find a new vocation in life.  I am going to become a very specific kind of thief.  One day I will don my black ski mask and black leather catsuit, caution to the wind, fashion sense be damned, and I will sneak into your store in the wee hours of the night and steal all of your delicious secrets to scrumptious coffee treats.  Thank you for showing me a new path to follow and transforming me into a hardened criminal with a very specific goal.  Motivation and direction are everything and I owe mine to you.

Sneakily,
Krista



Dear Vacuum  Cleaner,

No.  No sir.

~Krista


Dear 76 Year Old Man on America's Got Talent,
Dude. no one wants to see you strip. Specifically no one wants to see those pasties/tassels on your man-boobs. Now, the diaper under the mustard yellow boxers was a nice touch, and the knee brace endearing, but nobody is Ever ready for that much body hair. Especially if they are feeding their child, look up, see you and scream.  Milk goes everywhere, the angel baby cries, and it takes 17 points off of the night's Relaxation Factor.  Fix yo'self.

Sincerely,
Krista




Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:

1. my kid has ADD. i'm fairly certain of it.

2.  i still want to make apple cobbler. take that Jennifer Hudson!

3. my readers are the absolute BEST.

4. nobody looks good in a unitard. well, maybe Uma Thurman, my alter ego and, somehow simultaneously, girlfriend.

5.  i think that my bladder thinks i'm pregnant again.  either that or i need to go on "old lady leaky pipe" medication.

6. olives are delicious.  when i was little, i'd put them on the ends of my fingertips to eat them, and i'd drink the juice that they were packed in the can with.  ok, maybe i was a bit of and odd child.

7.  i also ate ketchup sandwiches.  which is exactly what it sounds like.  ketchup and bread.  ok, so maybe we were a tad poor when i was a  child.

8.  this stupid storm is ruining my evening.  i had big plans to..... ok i had no plans.  Fine.  keep raining and scaring my baby.

9.  my cat knocked my ring off of the counter when i was washing my hands and it broke. FMLPSITAWNRA.

10.  I WIN AT LIFE!!!!