blood, pizza, and soiled sushi.

i make interesting food choices. this includes food selection, food preparation, and even my food eating techniques. i don't quite know how or why it started, or what my fascination is with my need to be meticulous about what i ingest, i just know that i've cracked somewhere and it resulted in neurotic behavior.

example.

remember when i wrote about going to the store and purchasing cupcake mix and frosting (along with a car-load of other terribly unhealthy foods)?

well, this is what happened in the aftermath of that fateful grocery shopping foray.

got home from the store.
ate 9 of the twelve rolls of sushi.
decided i needed more soy sauce.
found old bottle of soy sauce in the fridge.
poured copious amounts of soy sauce on the remaining 3 rolls.
ate one, gagged violently, expelled sushi roll into the trash.
checked the expiration date on the bottom of the bottle.
expired in 2008.
manage to suppress a barf.
decide to "whip up" some carrot cake cupcakes.
"whip up" said cupcakes to make me feel better for the loss of the 3 ruined sushi rolls.
proceed to eat 8 cupcakes. 8 whole cupcakes.
feel sick.
put the offspring to bed. stay up for a while, get a call from Mike.
admit my shameful act to my husband.
head to bed.
convince myself to "be an adult" and go down and brush my teeth.
head back up to bed.
stay up fiddling with my blog page, make the excuse on Facebook that i'm too tired to make a post on here.
call my own bluff and spit da trufe with yet another brilliant blog.
wake up.
see the cupcakes....
proceed to eat the remaining SIXTEEN CUPCAKES.
Oh.
My.
God.
feel like i want to die.
suffer dearly for my actions the next time i visit the powder room.
swear off cake for the rest of my life.
drink a V8 so as to cancel out the caloric/sugar intake of the 16 cupcakes.


oddly enough, i felt accomplished because i'd forced myself to finish them off and get them out of the house. and that was all i ate that day. well that and the V8.

second example.

i ate the pizza today.
i eat pizza in a "special" way. i flip it upside down so the cheese is plate-side. then i pinch off pieces of the bread and nibble off the soft doughy underbelly of it and throw away the part that was actually touching the cookie sheet i cooked it on. then i get to the crust. the cheese-stuffed crust. i remove the cheese, effectively unstuffing the crust, and devour it. next i eat the cheese/toppings that are now laying on the plate all helpless and dejected because i waited so long to eat them.

poor pizza. did it really deserve to be mutilated like that?

absolutely it did. that's what it gets for being so bad for me and yet so sexy and alluring. stupid pizza.

i think that's why i don't often find myself eating vegetables. vegetables aren't nearly as fun to disect and disembowel.


my Slimeysaurus is demanding my full attention. i guess that's the end of my Discourse on Krista's Food Habits.


Krista's Tip of the Day:

Ladies, there comes a time every month where we decide that life just kind of sucks balls. we feel all gross, fat, bloaty, nauseated, full of pain and Blood-Shot-Eyes-Fire-Breathing-Baby-Bunny-Slaughtering-Banshee-Murder-RAGE.

It's times like this that we can turn to the End-All Cure-All Therapeutic Device: the Television.

Feeling Fat and Bloated? go watch "dance your ass off", or one of those "Half Ton Teens" shows on Discovery. the hick mother that has been shoveling fat and sugar into her kid's face, who is in disbelief over how her precious angel could have gotten that big, will make you feel all thin, beautiful, educated, and healthy. problem solved.

Feeling Crampy and in Pain? grab your Ben & Jerry's (tm) and head on over to the Oxygen channel and watch The Notebook. don't worry about checking TV guide for show times because it is ALWAYS on. cry over Allie and Noah's pain of being separated and let the healing begin!

Feeling Full of Blood-Shot-Eyes-Fire-Breathing-Baby-Bunny-Slaughtering-Banshee-Murder-RAGE? you've hit the jackpot, girlfriend. pop on over to America's Next Top Model (my personal favorite), the Bad Girls' Club, or any of the "New Jersey" shows. proceed to yell at the stupid skanky whores. they deserve it. keep watching until you either go hoarse from screaming expletives, or until you gain that shiny fluffy sense of self-righteous superiority. if all this doesn't dispel your rage you may need to go watch a "Snapped" marathon.

i know that when i'm feeling especially bitchy, i like to watch it and smile, silently congratulating the clever ones that get away with it, so to speak.

Enjoy, my lovely lady friends! and kudos to Tash for being my inspiration this evening. she gets 7 points, a gold star, and a cupcake.