Sean Combs must have an incredibly boring life. He changes his name with alarming frequency. Now he's calling himself Diddy Dirty Money, or some variant of that.
I get bored sometimes. Perhaps I should change my name. Maybe..... Malificent? like that evil witch lady on Sleeping Beauty. Or I could be Fruit Loop Mamma Jamma Root Beer Float. Yeah. Let's just go with that one.
Call me Root Beer Float.
The Root Beer Float.
So today The Root Beer Float decided that she was waaaaaaaaaaaay too tired to be trusted with everyday tasks such as "driving" or "making decisions" or "packing the diaper bag properly". Today I feel so tired that I almost feel drunk. You know that feeling, where everything is funny and the word "magnet" sends you into hysterics and fits of giggles.
My husband and I are talking about how I want to have awesome birthday parties for our son, and he, not listening says "birthing parties? you want to have birthing parties"? At this point, i rolled up a sock and a soiled bib and threw them violently in his direction for not paying enough attention to what I was saying. I feel like my point would have come across with more force and effect if my aim was better. I didn't hit him with either projectile. It wasn't even close. How sad.
I'm kind of sad that when I was pregnant with my son that my belly button didn't pop out.
I'm starting not to be proud of the decisions that I'm making so I think it's time for bed.
Goodnight y'all.
Sorry for tonight's let down. At least I feel let down.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Thursday, December 16, 2010
getting my Julie Andrews on
i'm inspired today to list some of my favorite things about life. now, this is by no means all of them, and they are not in order. and away we go:
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
7. Ninja Cupcakes. well, cupcakes in general. all cupcakes. my favorite are extra-moist-orange-vanilla-cupcakes-with-a-surprise-maraschino-cherry-center-and-lemon-frosting. however, Ninja cupcakes are both deadly, and delicious.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
1. Unicorns. there's something soothing about a majestic, gentle creature that has a large deadly spike sprouting from it's cranium. like it could hand you a bag of jellybeans and if you didn't say "thank you" then it would impale your ungrateful ass. it's beauty and justice all in one glittering package.
2. Things that are orange, except for oranges. I'm talking Oompa Loompas, Goldfish crackers, traffic cones, Dreamsicles, it's all good. True story; once after a concert i heisted an orange traffic cone from the parking lot. my plan was to put it in my room, maybe put some flowers in the top like it was some kind of Department Of Transportation vase. You know, dress up my room; make it real classy. However, my parents- who were clearly disappointed that I'd failed to learn that "stealing is wrong" lectured me into a guilty stupor, and the next day after church i drove the hour and a half to the parking lot and put it back. when i got there all of it's little friends were gone, though, so i just kind of did a drive-by-cone-plop and hightailed it out of there. Moral of the Story: love your traffic cones, but love them from a distance.
3. Squeezing pimples. ok. sure, maybe it's disgusting but there is something wholly satisfying about watching a stream of icky white/yellow/orange/black goo come out and knowing that that pore is now free to breathe. i'm sorry, i probably made some of you throw up a little bit in your mouths just then. i'll wait for you to rinse your mouth and get control over your heaves..... doo do do dodo doooo.... ok.
4. Spinach. i used to put heaping mounds of boiled spinach on my fork and then pretend that i was a brontosaurus eating sea plants while i munched it, letting the leaves hand out of my mouth. i was happy, but i'm sure my parents were giving themselves Facepalms and turning shades of red from embarassment. i had no qualms with Dinosaur Eating in public places; i did it often.
5. People Watching. My favorite place for this activity is probably Wal-Mart. you get all kinds of crazy people at Wal-Mart. Dreadlocked white boys that look like they're having a bad acid trip, spandex clad would be Biggest Loser contestants, oodles of crying children, obviously drunken underage high school kids trying desperately to "rein it in", ritsy rich ladies looking frantic and hurrying to get their Nyquil or what-have-you and get out of there, and of course at least 10 people that look like they could probably die at any moment scooting along in those powered wheelchair/vespa hybrids that they hand out at the front door. It's a veritable Mecca for oddness. and definite proof that America is in fact a melting pot of people and culture. so in a way, Wal-Mart is the most patriotic store i know. it goes America all over everyone's asses. with low prices. and a smorgasbord of smells from rotting milk to fresh bread to ripe, ripe college students that really really need to bathe themselves.
6. Really fat cats. i'm not talking italian mobster "cats", but actual fat cats. like, prop themselves against the wall in sitting position so they can breathe cats. what can i say, a Garfieldesque kitteh is ok by me. they're all lazy and cuddly and too mellowed out to worry about climbing onto the top of the fridge to knock your glass vases onto the floor to get revenge on you for not feeding them "on time". they just tucker out on the floor or your lap and lapse into a comatose state. it's all of the Cuddle and Fluff and none of the Cat Scratch Fever or Make My Day Biting. perhaps i should change my kitties diets from their healthy cat food to a steady diet of brownies and lasagna. hmm. maybe i should change my diet to brownies and lasanga. then all i'd need is to find someone that can turn me into a cat. maybe a plastic surgeon. the one that did this:
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. The baby books say i should try and get Ronin to fall asleep on his own in his crib but that just sounds exhausting. Maybe i'm too lazy. it's so much easier to just let him fall asleep in my arms and then move him to his crib. this "parent" stuff is rough. awesome, but rough.
2. i'm in the 130s!! today i weigh 138.8 and i'm excited. my hope is to be at 135 by Christmas next weekend. y'all wish me luck!
3. a fish is not a duck. no matter what they say on the Travel Channel.
4. to quote a wonderful wonderful ladyfriend and reader of mine, "Qristyl" does not equal "Crystal" and if you think that it does, you are an idiot and should rethink becoming a parent.
5. the sound of my feet rubbing across my bedsheets is akin to the sound that velcro makes when it's pulled apart. i should probably get on that and fix it. fix it until it's fixed.
6. Taylor Swift is great and everything, but she is death to my creative processes. i can hardly think with her chipper twang in my ears. gotta switch back to Deathcab.
7. i think that i might be able to master the tuba. it doesn't seem that difficult. i think i might need to be a bit more "surly" though. or "portly".
8. i think that maybe i'll try and be a vegetarian for a week, see what my body thinks about it.
9. i can make a better subway-style sandwich at home than at the actual Subway. and for pennies on the dollar, or however that expression goes. now if i could just keep my cat Mischief from stealing the sliced turkey from out of it when i'm not looking. that cat is appropriately named.
10. it's hard to have thoughts sometimes. just in general. more-so, ones that actually have clout or meaning. geez that's a funny word. clout.
I LOVE YOU GUYS!! leave comments, i love to hear them.
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Argentina
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Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Just kidding!
google adsense is still a punk so i'm going to keep this blog after all.
so DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!
love,
Krista
so DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!!!
love,
Krista
Saturday, December 11, 2010
the root of all emo.
you know, sometimes when i sit down to write these it's a tad scary. i put my fingertips to the keys and in my mind i hear "oh God, what do you figure will spill out of me now? for heaven's sake, don't write about your mutant urethra, don't write about your mutant urethra, don't write about your mutant urethra..."
that's the feeling i have tonight. but i'm listening to Jimmy Eat World and Mumford & Sons and drinking me a chilled glass of riesling so i don't really care. i'm happy and by George that's all that matters.
i think that perchance i went a teensy bit overboard at the gym today. i spent.... too much time on the running contraptions; i burned over 800 calories. i was going to go for 1,000 but i figured i might snap into full-blown anorexo-limia if i did so i exercised (ha, pun!) great restraint and called it quits at 800. i was watching America's Next Top Model. what can i say, i like watching those skinny bitches quarrel while i sweat. somehow it makes me feel like a better person knowing that i don't throw hissy fits because someone stole a granola bar from me.
i love me some Jimmy Eat World. little did i know, until i read the band bio the other day that these guys INVENTED emo music. i mean, it makes sense. they are very clearly geniuses. and every year at this time, i bring them to the forefront of my Ipod along with my Death Cab for Cutie, Snow Patrol and Fiona Apple and we slip into sweet brooding melancholy together. also i eat too much sugar. but it's part of the Fall/PreWinter personality transformation. ya gotta trust the process.
speaking of which, i got a new Ipod. it's teensy and neon pink (hopefully an eye-catching color so i won't lose it), and cute. i need a good name for it. i'm thinking Shrinky Pinkton. please send your ideas and votes to Ldskrista03@yahoo.com
cute, huh? yeah.
oh cool. i can add pictures to my blog. * must keep in mind to use in future *
10 Reasons I Win At Life Today:
1. I parked at the far end of the Target parking lot today and ran to it. Health Win!
2. I was able to get Ronin to sleep the second time in less than 5 minutes.
3. I did not get stabbed today.
4. I did not stab anyone today. Even though Mike thought it would be funny to pour ice cold water on my head while i was in the shower. I have other ways of punishing him.... but I did not stab him.
5. I did not spontaneously combust today.
6. I paid $41 for a new Ipod shuffle. not. too. shabby. however, in retrospect, it doesn't fit my car radio adapter or my Bose Ipod speaker..... shyte. pish. balls.
7. I decided that my new curse word of choice would be "balls". and i've used it with a satisfying frequency today; because yes, it is very possible to overuse the word "balls".
8. i'm still trying to muscle my way through this glass of riesling. it's kicking my butt. seems like after every sip i take it magically refills and laughs at me. which is just plain impolite. what a rude glass of wine. carmudgeony vino.
9. i let a Land Rover into traffic ahead of me. i usually scoff at expensive cars and tell them to buzz off, but i was feeling generous today.
10. oh, i forgot. i have a bar of chocolate in the pantry. that goes well with white wine, right? i should go masticate that, on the pronto. right now. right away. without delay. ahora.
keep it real, my friends. sorry this one wasn't funny. i'll do better next time. feel free to send me suggestions, topics, questions, disses, curses, or recommendations to my email, Ldskrista03@yahoo.com , or to my facebook page (krista hinds custer) or here as a comment.
love, peace, and expensive goose grease.
that's the feeling i have tonight. but i'm listening to Jimmy Eat World and Mumford & Sons and drinking me a chilled glass of riesling so i don't really care. i'm happy and by George that's all that matters.
i think that perchance i went a teensy bit overboard at the gym today. i spent.... too much time on the running contraptions; i burned over 800 calories. i was going to go for 1,000 but i figured i might snap into full-blown anorexo-limia if i did so i exercised (ha, pun!) great restraint and called it quits at 800. i was watching America's Next Top Model. what can i say, i like watching those skinny bitches quarrel while i sweat. somehow it makes me feel like a better person knowing that i don't throw hissy fits because someone stole a granola bar from me.
i love me some Jimmy Eat World. little did i know, until i read the band bio the other day that these guys INVENTED emo music. i mean, it makes sense. they are very clearly geniuses. and every year at this time, i bring them to the forefront of my Ipod along with my Death Cab for Cutie, Snow Patrol and Fiona Apple and we slip into sweet brooding melancholy together. also i eat too much sugar. but it's part of the Fall/PreWinter personality transformation. ya gotta trust the process.
speaking of which, i got a new Ipod. it's teensy and neon pink (hopefully an eye-catching color so i won't lose it), and cute. i need a good name for it. i'm thinking Shrinky Pinkton. please send your ideas and votes to Ldskrista03@yahoo.com
oh cool. i can add pictures to my blog. * must keep in mind to use in future *
10 Reasons I Win At Life Today:
1. I parked at the far end of the Target parking lot today and ran to it. Health Win!
2. I was able to get Ronin to sleep the second time in less than 5 minutes.
3. I did not get stabbed today.
4. I did not stab anyone today. Even though Mike thought it would be funny to pour ice cold water on my head while i was in the shower. I have other ways of punishing him.... but I did not stab him.
5. I did not spontaneously combust today.
6. I paid $41 for a new Ipod shuffle. not. too. shabby. however, in retrospect, it doesn't fit my car radio adapter or my Bose Ipod speaker..... shyte. pish. balls.
7. I decided that my new curse word of choice would be "balls". and i've used it with a satisfying frequency today; because yes, it is very possible to overuse the word "balls".
8. i'm still trying to muscle my way through this glass of riesling. it's kicking my butt. seems like after every sip i take it magically refills and laughs at me. which is just plain impolite. what a rude glass of wine. carmudgeony vino.
9. i let a Land Rover into traffic ahead of me. i usually scoff at expensive cars and tell them to buzz off, but i was feeling generous today.
10. oh, i forgot. i have a bar of chocolate in the pantry. that goes well with white wine, right? i should go masticate that, on the pronto. right now. right away. without delay. ahora.
keep it real, my friends. sorry this one wasn't funny. i'll do better next time. feel free to send me suggestions, topics, questions, disses, curses, or recommendations to my email, Ldskrista03@yahoo.com , or to my facebook page (krista hinds custer) or here as a comment.
love, peace, and expensive goose grease.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
curse you Q Tips
i've spent too much time today wondering why they call a Q-Tip a Q-Tip. where does the "q" come in? what does it stand for? it's got me perplexed. and little things like the origin of cosmetic paraphenalia nomenclature should not so completely consume my day.
i big shout out and "thank you" to one of my biggest fans and loyal readers Shelly. this saint of a woman sent me a box of Nutella. i move that she be cannonized and submitted for ACTUAL sainthood immediatly. Make it happen, Interweb Genie!!
Thoughts on two actors.
Matthew Broderick; what happened dude? you charmed us all with your witty retorts and cheeky quips in Ferris Beuller's Day Off, and then you went all Bat-Shyte-Brain-Damaged and forgot how to stand in front of a camera and act. i keep handing you chances, i keep trying to stomach your misfortunate sinking ship of a career but you're not giving me much to work with here. perhaps you've floundered because even though you are probably 67 by now, your fresh young face still comes across as an unproved lad of 17 and i cannot take you seriously as an adult as a result.
i came across a movie of you yesterday with Alec Baldwin in it and i thought; "hey... Alec Baldwin's in this one... can't be too bad..." and i forced myself to stare at it for about 20 minutes before i turned the appropriate shade of green and, in my mind's eye, proceeded to shower my living room electronics in "disappointment vomit".
Bottom Line; it might be time to just give it up, Matthew. maybe go into retail. i think you'd do very well as a friendly Petco grooming technician. maybe a Jamba Juice Smoothie Sultan.
Marky Mark; you are my new favorite actor. you deliver lines with such grace and majesty, it makes me feel like you are truly, truly "a peacock" who "needs to fly on this one". i think my appreciation for your art began whilst i watched you talking to trees in that Shamalamalan movie where the plants turned murderous and needed to be appeased. i look forward to your work with shrubbery. and marmots. possibly fudge. i believe that you could be a top-notch chef too, in addition to being God's Gift To The Silver Screen if you gave it a go.
That's it. i challenge you to a Bake Off. can't wait to put your Hazelnut Biscotti Mini Torte in my mouth. it would be Mastication Admiration.
i'm now willing to accept the fact that my Ipod, my trusty MintI FreshPod is gone. possibly dead and gone. but more likely some cracka-ass cracka stole it. i checked the lost and found at the ymca today, and the lady behind the counter just laughed at me when i asked her if someone had turned it in... my eyes brimming with tears and my voice strained with loss and pain and threadbare hope.
so, in my grief, i've written this small goodbye.
MintI FreshPod, 2007-2010.
You were a friend, a trusted companion, a go-to Boredom Erradicator, and a sweet hip shade of pastel green. You contained everything from Jay-Z and Kanye ICan'tSingWithoutAutotune West, to Imogen Heap and Damien Rice. (or "ya-ya" music as my dad calls it.)
I admit, I wasn't as good to you as you were to me. I dropped you on occasion; hell, i drop-kicked you more often than not. mostly on accident. i tucked you into my spandex tops at the gym. i soaked you with sweaty, sweaty, sweat-sweat. you got countless foodstuffs and dead skin cells mashed onto you and for all these crimes, i apologize.
Perchance if i'd been nicer and a tad more nurturing and "responsible" or whatever then maybe you wouldn't have run off with the first jackass you saw. i bet you're on the streets, turning tricks for money and snorting blow. you always did have a self-destructive streak. it was only a matter of time before you got sucked into the seedy underbelly of this renagade town.
but i digress. you encouraged me to keep going. i got knocked down. but i got up again, cuz you neva gonna keep me down. and you told me that "i can see yo' halo". but most of all, you kept it real. you always spit da truf. and da truf is dat "girls, they wanna have fun".
And so it is with heavy heart, guilty mind, and empty earballs that i say adieu to my minty green friend. Rest in piece my friend. or pieces. i dunno, maybe you got smashed to all smithereens. who's to say. Farewell.
*sidenote: if you would like to donate to the "help Krista buy herself a gently used Ipod" fund, the orangey-yellowy button is at the top right of the page. thanks!*
dry your tears, my friends. let's move on.
um, i might be sterile. so, i hope y'all are getting your fill of my adorable son, Ronin on my facebook page cuz he might just be the only rugrat that this uterus pops out. he's pushing 10 months old, and i haven't reacquainted myself with my Aunt Flo' yet, so i'm starting to think that it's just never going to happen again. i can already feel the cobwebs forming on my fallopian tubes and dust settlling in my ovaries. sheesh. i guess those five boxes of Anticipatory Tampons i've been hoarding are just going to go to waste. any suggestions as to what i should do with 300 or so unused tampons? please email your suggestions to Ldskrista03@yahoo.com
Christmas is right around the proverbial corner, y'all. Come sit on my knee and let me spin you a yarn. or as you Yankees would say, let me tell you a story.
Christmas was always a magical time for me growing up. i LOVED it. i made cookies for santa, slept on the couch after i passed out from exhaustion caused by anxious bouncing off the walls and waiting up for hours to catch a glimpse of the Man In Red, the whole nine yards. one year i got the brilliant idea that Santa's reindeer probably needed feeding too. after recruiting my younger sister and partner in crime, and armed with Ziploc Snack Sized baggies, we scaled the two tall oak trees in the yard to harvest what my little brain had deemed the only suitable fodder for North Polean Reindeer.
Tree Bark.
We spent hooooooooours up there stripping the supple bark away from the tree trunks and branches and stuffing it all into baggies. after a few days i concluded that we had enough tree bark put away to feed the small army of reindeer that would be stopping by to drop off our Good Behavior Incentive Packages soon. on Christmas Eve i put the pouches onto the fireplace next to the plate of cookies for Santa and took up my usual post on the couch to wait for The Jolly One.
The next morning i awoke to find the cookies gone (of course, no surprise there. though now that i'm older i wonder why i never ate Santa's cookies? i mean, i never even made an attempt. and they were free cookies, too. hmm. kids are funny). when my eyes fell on... hmm.. that's an odd expression. "my eyes fell on...blahblahblah". that'd be pretty gross for eyeballs to actually fall on things that you're looking at. Love at First Sight? contemplate and discuss, my friends.
but i digress.
my "eyes fell" on the Reindeer Tree Bark Food bags to find that.... GASP*!!!! there seemed to be bite marks around the corners where the reindeer had bitten the bags to get at the bark!!!! Holy Cannoli the Reindeer had EATEN the food i left for them!! i was so so very proud of myself and happy that these gentle beasts had accepted my offering. it was a perfect Christmas miracle.
years later, i was told that my loving mother had cut the scalloped shape into the bag to give the illusion that it had been torn by reindeer teeth, and that the oak trees outside had died a horrible death due to me depriving them of their respective protective layers of bark. Tree fungi are vicious little bitches, aparently.
at least i kill for good, and never for evil. i guess Santa never held it against me. after all, he is my dad.
Merry Christmas, y'all. and a Happy Chanukah to my Jewish home-fries!!
i big shout out and "thank you" to one of my biggest fans and loyal readers Shelly. this saint of a woman sent me a box of Nutella. i move that she be cannonized and submitted for ACTUAL sainthood immediatly. Make it happen, Interweb Genie!!
Thoughts on two actors.
Matthew Broderick; what happened dude? you charmed us all with your witty retorts and cheeky quips in Ferris Beuller's Day Off, and then you went all Bat-Shyte-Brain-Damaged and forgot how to stand in front of a camera and act. i keep handing you chances, i keep trying to stomach your misfortunate sinking ship of a career but you're not giving me much to work with here. perhaps you've floundered because even though you are probably 67 by now, your fresh young face still comes across as an unproved lad of 17 and i cannot take you seriously as an adult as a result.
i came across a movie of you yesterday with Alec Baldwin in it and i thought; "hey... Alec Baldwin's in this one... can't be too bad..." and i forced myself to stare at it for about 20 minutes before i turned the appropriate shade of green and, in my mind's eye, proceeded to shower my living room electronics in "disappointment vomit".
Bottom Line; it might be time to just give it up, Matthew. maybe go into retail. i think you'd do very well as a friendly Petco grooming technician. maybe a Jamba Juice Smoothie Sultan.
Marky Mark; you are my new favorite actor. you deliver lines with such grace and majesty, it makes me feel like you are truly, truly "a peacock" who "needs to fly on this one". i think my appreciation for your art began whilst i watched you talking to trees in that Shamalamalan movie where the plants turned murderous and needed to be appeased. i look forward to your work with shrubbery. and marmots. possibly fudge. i believe that you could be a top-notch chef too, in addition to being God's Gift To The Silver Screen if you gave it a go.
That's it. i challenge you to a Bake Off. can't wait to put your Hazelnut Biscotti Mini Torte in my mouth. it would be Mastication Admiration.
i'm now willing to accept the fact that my Ipod, my trusty MintI FreshPod is gone. possibly dead and gone. but more likely some cracka-ass cracka stole it. i checked the lost and found at the ymca today, and the lady behind the counter just laughed at me when i asked her if someone had turned it in... my eyes brimming with tears and my voice strained with loss and pain and threadbare hope.
so, in my grief, i've written this small goodbye.
MintI FreshPod, 2007-2010.
You were a friend, a trusted companion, a go-to Boredom Erradicator, and a sweet hip shade of pastel green. You contained everything from Jay-Z and Kanye ICan'tSingWithoutAutotune West, to Imogen Heap and Damien Rice. (or "ya-ya" music as my dad calls it.)
I admit, I wasn't as good to you as you were to me. I dropped you on occasion; hell, i drop-kicked you more often than not. mostly on accident. i tucked you into my spandex tops at the gym. i soaked you with sweaty, sweaty, sweat-sweat. you got countless foodstuffs and dead skin cells mashed onto you and for all these crimes, i apologize.
Perchance if i'd been nicer and a tad more nurturing and "responsible" or whatever then maybe you wouldn't have run off with the first jackass you saw. i bet you're on the streets, turning tricks for money and snorting blow. you always did have a self-destructive streak. it was only a matter of time before you got sucked into the seedy underbelly of this renagade town.
but i digress. you encouraged me to keep going. i got knocked down. but i got up again, cuz you neva gonna keep me down. and you told me that "i can see yo' halo". but most of all, you kept it real. you always spit da truf. and da truf is dat "girls, they wanna have fun".
And so it is with heavy heart, guilty mind, and empty earballs that i say adieu to my minty green friend. Rest in piece my friend. or pieces. i dunno, maybe you got smashed to all smithereens. who's to say. Farewell.
*sidenote: if you would like to donate to the "help Krista buy herself a gently used Ipod" fund, the orangey-yellowy button is at the top right of the page. thanks!*
dry your tears, my friends. let's move on.
um, i might be sterile. so, i hope y'all are getting your fill of my adorable son, Ronin on my facebook page cuz he might just be the only rugrat that this uterus pops out. he's pushing 10 months old, and i haven't reacquainted myself with my Aunt Flo' yet, so i'm starting to think that it's just never going to happen again. i can already feel the cobwebs forming on my fallopian tubes and dust settlling in my ovaries. sheesh. i guess those five boxes of Anticipatory Tampons i've been hoarding are just going to go to waste. any suggestions as to what i should do with 300 or so unused tampons? please email your suggestions to Ldskrista03@yahoo.com
Christmas is right around the proverbial corner, y'all. Come sit on my knee and let me spin you a yarn. or as you Yankees would say, let me tell you a story.
Christmas was always a magical time for me growing up. i LOVED it. i made cookies for santa, slept on the couch after i passed out from exhaustion caused by anxious bouncing off the walls and waiting up for hours to catch a glimpse of the Man In Red, the whole nine yards. one year i got the brilliant idea that Santa's reindeer probably needed feeding too. after recruiting my younger sister and partner in crime, and armed with Ziploc Snack Sized baggies, we scaled the two tall oak trees in the yard to harvest what my little brain had deemed the only suitable fodder for North Polean Reindeer.
Tree Bark.
We spent hooooooooours up there stripping the supple bark away from the tree trunks and branches and stuffing it all into baggies. after a few days i concluded that we had enough tree bark put away to feed the small army of reindeer that would be stopping by to drop off our Good Behavior Incentive Packages soon. on Christmas Eve i put the pouches onto the fireplace next to the plate of cookies for Santa and took up my usual post on the couch to wait for The Jolly One.
The next morning i awoke to find the cookies gone (of course, no surprise there. though now that i'm older i wonder why i never ate Santa's cookies? i mean, i never even made an attempt. and they were free cookies, too. hmm. kids are funny). when my eyes fell on... hmm.. that's an odd expression. "my eyes fell on...blahblahblah". that'd be pretty gross for eyeballs to actually fall on things that you're looking at. Love at First Sight? contemplate and discuss, my friends.
but i digress.
my "eyes fell" on the Reindeer Tree Bark Food bags to find that.... GASP*!!!! there seemed to be bite marks around the corners where the reindeer had bitten the bags to get at the bark!!!! Holy Cannoli the Reindeer had EATEN the food i left for them!! i was so so very proud of myself and happy that these gentle beasts had accepted my offering. it was a perfect Christmas miracle.
years later, i was told that my loving mother had cut the scalloped shape into the bag to give the illusion that it had been torn by reindeer teeth, and that the oak trees outside had died a horrible death due to me depriving them of their respective protective layers of bark. Tree fungi are vicious little bitches, aparently.
at least i kill for good, and never for evil. i guess Santa never held it against me. after all, he is my dad.
Merry Christmas, y'all. and a Happy Chanukah to my Jewish home-fries!!
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