Thursday, August 12, 2010

Krista's 12 Step Guide to a Happy and Blissful Life

I tell you what.  life after Cupcakes just isn't much of a life at all.  I felt the Yearning again today.  maybe I just shouldn't watch TV anymore because it is riddled with delicious temptation trigger-words.


so I do this thing when I'm trying to come up with things to write about where i just think up random words in order to jolt myself into being "inspired".  tonight's effort wasn't too fruitful.  here are the first couple of ideas that i came up with;

raspberries.
cupcakes.
fruit bats.
things that "seemed like a good idea at the time".
Krista's Guide to a Happy Life.

hmm. actually, that last one doesn't seem too terribly bland.  let's do it!!

Krista's 12 Step Guide to a Happy and Blissful Life
By: Krista

1) Cut all of your hair off and enjoy a Mohawk at least once in your life.  Spike it up so tall that you'll have to scruntch down in your car while driving so that you can avoid squooshing it.  the Mohawk will give you 38,643%  more confident Confidence and, if worn to a hopping party along with rainbow/plaid shorts and a hot top, will guarantee the spark of a lasting and possibly marital relationship. Trust me. 

2) Drive with your left leg out the window as often as you can.  However, make sure that you stretch so that A: you don't pull a hammie, and B: you can quickly retract the leg when you see the Po-Pos in your rear view mirror. Because you WILL see the Po-Pos in your rear-view mirror.

3) Eat AS MANY CUPCAKES AS YOU CAN before you hit puberty and your body goes into "whatthefuckishappeningtomeohmygodZIT-CENTRAL" mode.  if you have already hit puberty, then my apologies..... have a kiwi?

4) Live Dangerously.  If you've never broken a bone, gotten a black eye, had a near-death experience, or stomped in a Fire Ant Bed with reckless abandon, then you are a giant wussie that needs to graduate from wearing Pull-ups and put on your big-kid underroos.  Just to be safe, make sure that you break at least 5 bones.  And please, do it epically. Your posterity wants exciting stories to listen to. they don't want to hear about how you repeatedly broke your right index finger by slamming it in your car door juuuuuust to get to the recommended Epic 5.  Stories with wild animals are good.  Ones with explosives, undercover marsupial spies, and strategic wedgie applications are better.

5) Have at least one weird nickname that doesn't seem to fit you at all. HOWEVER, this nickname must be earned (you can't just decide that now everyone must call you Mustard Hammer).  Example: my nickname at one point was Foot.  i'll let you ponder that one yourselves.  and no, it didn't have anything to do with Step 2. Or 4.

6) Marry your best friend.  Deal patiently with/Ignore their flaws.  Remember that you are, on occasion, an inconsiderate dumbass and that relationships are give and take and even though you may or may not be, but definitely ARE right ALL of the time, sometimes you gotta take one for the team and let your Love Turnip/Cuddly Boop enjoy the feeling of being "correct" about what "that actress's name was in that one thing".

7)  Dance Everywhere.  Seriously.   EVERYWHERE.  Wal-mart? Dance.  Snow Cone Stand? Dance. Dentist Office? Get down Girl, Go 'head, get down.  even if it embarrasses all those that were brave enough to accompany your crazy dancin' ass.  who cares? chances are, you'll never see the weirdos that are lurking in the frozen food isle watching you try to do the robot ever again. 

8)  Go see as many rock bands live in concert as you can.  Yell the lyrics.  attempt to "mosh".  try Crowd Surfing (but only if your wallet is in a safe location and you don't mind being violently, violently violated via numerous tushie/boobie gropes).  dance until your legs feel like a mixture of cornstarch and water (SCIENCE WIN!!).  Yell/Sing until you have to rely on the American Sign Language that you brushed up on in the car on the way over for your sole means of communication.

9) If you have kids, play with them as much as possible.  Don't be afraid to look stupid; they probably think that you're brain damaged already from previous experience.  Make weird "would you please just eat your goddamn peas" silly faces.  Get down on the ground, roll around with them, make ridiculous noises.  If they drool, slobber right back.  And don't be afraid to get food/spit/goo on your glasses or have your hair pulled out, even though you're losing your hair at an alarming rate already.  And if you don't have kids, have kids.

10) Exercise!!!!!  nothing beats a 2 hour trip to the gym, getting all drippy and ripe, and punishing your body- getting that sweet sweet burn that lets you know that you actually DID something today and that those 16 cupcakes you ate the day before surely have to have been metabolized by now.  And hey, look at that! You just earned yourself more cupcakes!

11) Call your parents often and tell them that you love them.  also, inform them that now that you are a Functioning Responsibility-Champion, that you realize what a brain-dead punk you were when you were younger and still living at home.  Also make sure they know that they are Golden Encyclepedias of Knowledge and that you'd be lost without them.  Specifically, that you'd be stuck in your kitchen, looking quizzically at a pot of water and 2 eggs, wondering how long it takes to boil them and not have them be all disgusting and play-doh textured once you pull them out of the water. Without your parents, such precious Life and Death questions may go tragically unanswered for the rest of your natural life.

12) Love yourself.  if you don't firmly believe that you are awesome, then no one else will think you're awesome either. Well, unless they're into people that frown and schlump about all the time.  So give yourself hugs, get a massage every now and again just because you want to, go to Hawaii just for the hell of it and spend waaaaay too much money there, and be bubbly.  Talk to everyone you meet like they're an old friend - it's the best way to make old friends.




Questions for My Wonderful Readers (please leave a comment with your answers):

1. did you have any weird fears as a child?
2.  if you could grow anything as an additional appendage, what and where would it be?
3. what would you like your dying words to be?

and to answer my own questions...

1.  i was afraid of taking a bath with the shower curtain closed.  i always had to have it open. that way if anything/one tried to attack me when i was in the vulnerable state of  being "moist and lathered" that i could see them approach and i'd have a better chance at survival.  I grew up in the Ghetto so my Knock-a-bitch Out Reflex is STRONG. Really. It's true.
2. i'd grow an M&Ms (tm) dispenser out of my right forearm.  oh muthalovin YES.
3. i think i'd like to go out yodeling....

6 comments:

  1. 1. I'm too old to remember my childhood. (This big metal bird with fire in its eyes that took little kids away).
    2. I already have too many appendages already so I don't want another one. (Maybe another ear that works better then the ones I have now place right behind my right ear).
    3. I don't like to think about not talking again. (I'd probably remind my family to call and keep in touch with their families).

    You get a Gold Star for all points, I especially like #11, could you please tell my son I love him.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Ok!
    1. I had this strange fear of this creepy doll me Ma had named Crystal (the thing is alive). I thought it had murderous intent. I made the deal with it that it could come to life for 10 seconds a night to attempt to murder me but it would be destroyed forever if not back in the position it was originally in when it's murder attempt was done. I felt like if I imposed rules on it I could control it. HAHAHA

    2. I would grow a small tree on my right shoulder which grew random gems. Then I would harvest the gems and be all rich sucka.

    3. I'm not going to die, INVALID QUESTION!

    ReplyDelete
  3. I don't remember a childhood fear.
    I would shit out a maid so I would never have to clean again. :)
    Dying words would be: "Stop playing with your penis." Aimed at my lovely boys who think touching themselves in public is okay.

    ReplyDelete
  4. you rock, Baby Girl!! i'm only answering the 3rd question....because my fears as a child were real.My dying words? Just help me get back on my bike!!!

    ReplyDelete
  5. 1- My grandma had a creepy doll in her house..
    2- Retractable claws like Wolverine?
    3- "It's just a flesh wound"

    ReplyDelete
  6. Not creative enough to make a name upJanuary 17, 2011 at 1:52 AM

    Your post is the road to happiness!

    1. I feared that a cow would grow fangs and eat me! Wait, I didn't fear that... I didn't fear any weird stuff.

    2. I would like to grow an arm on my belly-button so I could easily scare people and grab more cupcakes and do awesome stuff.

    3. "I'm okay! Really, it doesn't hurt"

    ReplyDelete

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