"come on man, that was like three days ago. OR WAS IT?!?!?!?!"

i live in an utterly magical world.  and i can prove it. 

today i went to the gym.  *in a hauty voice* no biggie, burned like 5,000,000,000 calories, did enough sit-ups that it would make Chuck Norris cry from shame and envy.  you know, the usual.  i spent about an hour and a half twisting my body into perfected muscley steel.  after i was done assaulting the equipment, i gathered my things and walked out into the TORRENTIAL rain towards my car....

... and there it was.

lying on the ground, empty, flattened, and all alone.  the huge Vodka bottle.

at this point i stopped and had myself a little Ponder.

"a vodka bottle?  in the middle of the parking lot of the YMCA?  wow Georgia.  what a classy place you are.  so i guess somebody just got severely blitzed, stumbled out of their car, polished off the bottle of vodka, threw it on the ground and said 'alright. NOW i'm ready for my yoga class and water aerobics'. well, actually, maybe that sounds a little badass. hmm. i guess it's only badass if they pulled off going to spin class without puking during it"

so there you are; proof that the world is still a mystical and amazing place.


in other news, i have my husband back from Iraq.  this explains why i haven't really been writing anything and why i've been slacking more than Lazy VonSlothington.  i've been a tad busy.

also, i've devised a plan.  i now know what i'm going to do to beat the Evil People of the World should they decided to take over and carry out their evil plans.  well, provide they all wear eyeglasses.

Step One: somehow gather all the evil people to Houston Texas on the muggiest day of the year.  which consequently is all of the days of the year.

Step Two: invite them all out for lunch after it has rained heavily that morning.

Step Three: gather trusted friends and hide in the bushes.

Step Four: try not to giggle; it will give away our strategic position.  i especially am prone to "suspense giggling".

Step Five: wait for the Evil Ones to pop out of their cars at the designated "lunch venue".

Step Six: as soon as the humidity has fogged up their respective eyewear, rendering them blind and useless in a fight, SPRING from the bushes with bloodcurdling screams, banshee yells, and pointy sticks.

Step Seven: stab/bludgeon the Evil Ones into submission.

Step Eight: head inside to have lunch with your triumphant yet blood-spattered comrades and celebrate your sweet sweet victory!!

Note: don't rush this plan.  it is imperative that all of the environmental and ocular elements are in place before executing these steps.  if not, if you attack Evil Ones that wear contact lenses instead of bifocals, then you may be in for the ass-beating of your life.  plan carefully.  execute gracefully.  bludgeon wisely.



also.  usually Life Lessons happen as follows.  Life Decision >> What are my options? >> Choose one Option >> See Results >> Deal with Consequences, Good or Bad.

well, sometimes you just don't have the TIME to wait for all that to play out and you need to teach a Life Lesson right away.  i had such a moment today.

i was about to give my darling son a bath, and my cat Mischief had decided that he was fascinated by the water in the tub and he wasn't going to get out of the way.

i decided he needed to instantly learn the Life Lesson that he doesn't need to "live" on the side of the tub when i'm trying to get my angel baby bathed and in bed at a reasonable hour.  so.... i balanced the sweet darling on my hip, got on one foot, and used the other to violently nudge the cat into the bathwater.

i'm happy to report that it was 100% effective.  my cat now understands that Ronin's bathtime does NOT equal Kitten Gets To Be Curious About Slash Own Everything time.



10 Reasons Why I Win Today:

1. i was watching Flight Of The Conchords and there were two chicks that looked familiar in one of the episodes. i correctly placed both of them.  the blonde was an intern on the TV show Scrubs, the brunette was a drunken floozy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

2.  i did not die today.

3.  i was NOT the one who left the empty, flattened vodka bottle in the YMCA parking lot.

4. i'm definitely not a hermaphrodite.  not that anything's wrong with that.  but i'm sure it might be weird for my hubby if i was one... so... anatomy win?

5. i tricked my amazing offspring into eating his smooshed peas by mixing it in with his delicious rice cereal/milk this evening. Nutrition Win!!

6. i bought a bright neon yellow sports bra today.  that way if i ever go hunting while i'm wearing it, and my shirt magically dissapates, i won't get shot because it's reflective.

7. my hubby did the dishes!!! I Get To Be A Lazy Bum win!!

8. the yogurt that i just ate is like crack. 20% of my daily fiber strawberry flavored crack.  "i dunno why but today seems like it's going to be a great daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"....

9.  i ate a slice of muenster cheese this morning.  CALCIUM WIN!!! SUCK IT, SALLY FIELD!!!

10.  it used to be that i wasn't able to see my feet when i was walking because of my MASSIVE Fetus-Infused belly.  now i can't see my feet when i'm walking because of my MASSIVE Milk-Infused Fun Bags.  hooray! Sexy Mama win!