Is it raining outside? Did you quit your overly easy job to stick it to the man? Are you a stoner looking for something to do whilst you munch your munchies? Here are a few ideas to take you from:
to:
Favorite Things To Do When Bored:
* drive with nearly my entire left leg out the window (thanks ballet training!) and the Moby blasting. be wary of cops though. Cops don't like Moby.
* bake enormous amounts of cookies, eat two, then try to pawn them off on my friends.
* go to bing.com and search for images labeled "random" to get inspiration. end up gawking at the dude in the 12 inch spiked heels and the football pads.
* attempt to bake cornbread correctly. and fail.
* find new ways to multitask. lately it's doing hip thrust butt squeezes on my bed while playing sudoku on my phone 'til my eyes bleed.
* carry my cat around the house upside down. he seems to enjoy it.
* drive around blasting my russian music so people will think i'm foreign and therefore Cool.
* rearrange things in the house so that i have to hunt them down like vermin the next time i'm in need of Vick's VapoRub or toothpicks.
* slather lotion on anything that moves in an attempt to use up the collection of bottles that i've been hoarding away.
* go to the gym, turn up the ipod, and lip-sync all the words to Spice Girls songs while you run. the heavy breathing from the physical exertion actually pumps sound from your pipes, so your treadmill mates get a free concert. bonus win for them/silver lining.
* if stated treadmill mates give you grief for your impromptu concert, feel free to shake out your sweaty lycra pants on them. don't worry about the logistics of shaking out one's sweaty pants on someone else; just make it happen.
* Every time someone calls you that day, pretend to work at Burger King and take their order. Insist that they pull around to the second window.
* finding new ways to be a good party guest. i.e.: bring a few things from the fridge at your next holiday gathering. last one i went to i brought 3 slices of American Cheese, a ziploc baggie of scrambled eggs, a summer sausage, and a few fresh slices of tomahto. yes. you say tomayto, and i indeed say tomahto.
try these out the next time you get bored or find yourself with way too much time on your hands.
i'm always searching for the perfect tattoo... and i think i've found it:
the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.
they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.
it infuriates me.
why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore? i do.
i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.
it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.
i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.
i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?
who knows.
my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.
in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck. Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life.
they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.
things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.
it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks.
ha, rhyme.
i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup.
maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.
i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips. writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.
Things That Are Awful or Awesome:
1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.
2) haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.
3) this week. AWFUL.
4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.
5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears, Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.
6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.
7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.
8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.
9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.
10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.
that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.
i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.
or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.
sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.
i HATE the stripping "profession".
i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world. i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....
and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.
it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.
how can i compete?
now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;
Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!
to this I say:
BullFuckingShit.
of course i do.
when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.
when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.
the fuck do i have to do.
i don't think there's anything i can do.
except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.
there's something to be said for silver linings. added bonuses. extra wins.
however you want to label it.
it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.
1) I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.
2) I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know.
3) This dude's meals from now on will all taste like lighter fluid. And he will never again be able to slurp him some soup. But at least he'll always know where his lighter is when it's late at night and the Arson Compulsion starts to rear it's crackling head...
4) He may have lost his fingers, hand, and wrist in that fateful ribbon-cutting-ceremony freak accident, but at least he didn't lose his sense of humor. A giant toe. It must have been his facetious response to his buddies' drunken cheers of "walk it off, dude!"
5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.
Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:
1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.
2) Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.
3) Jellyfish: definitely awful. and reason number 4 of Why I Don't Go In The Water.
4) Dogbird: Awesome. also, want. Not only is it a delicious alternative to chicken, but when you shoot down one of it's buddies, it will help you find it by flapping over and pointing to it with it's sweet little puppy nose.
5) Sexy Black Swan inspired back tattoo. Also Awesome. and i would TOTALLY get it done if tattoos weren't so darn permanent.
6) Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.
7) Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.
8) Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...
9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich. Awesome.
10) Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.
Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.
i finally did it. i went kah-razy with my hair. in case you can't tell, that's pastel bubble-gum pink on top/side with some bright teal on my left side and underneath. boom.
i'm a wild and out-there kinda gal, in case y'all hadn't already figured it out; so i feel like this hairstyle adequately pinpoints the finer aspects of my bubbly personality.
i've got quite a bit of Bailey's in me so this is proving to be more difficult than i anticipated so i think i'll just wrap this up.
no earth shattering news, no off the walls banter. just an update into how awesome i continually am.
also, i'm getting mah sexy back. went to the mall and totally got some smiles/stares. in a GOOD way, at that.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) If i could spend all my (our) money at Victoria's Secret I would. stay posted for pics of me in the VS gear that i bought today. expect it later this month.
2) Coffee + alcohol = emergency trip to visit the loo.
3) Now that my "health scare" is over i should probably stop self-medicating with homemade chocolate chip cookies and get my increasingly jiggly ass to the gym.
4) i am in need of more Booty Shakin' Sweat Drippin' gym music.
5) having a vagina isn't all Hollywood and Glamour like people would have you believe.
6) i can't wait for HBO's take on the Song of Fire and Ice series... time ta get mah Nerd on.
7) i feel sooooo much sexier now that i have pink and teal hair. something about having cotton candy hair makes me feel like a Goddess of Temptation. now if i could only fit into my skinny skinny jeans...
8) it dawned on me today that i only have 2 more months left in Georgia until i'll be whisked away to Maryland. I'm excited to leave, but i'm really going to miss the incredible people that i've met here. Carina, Kristy; i think i'll miss you two most of all.
9) All you kids in Austin with guns need to calm the f*ck down. i have many many friends in that beautiful city and i need all of them to stay very much alive. kthnxbai.
10) i typed "random" into the images search on bing.com and out of all the pictures that popped up; these two are my favorites. Leave a comment and let me know which one you vote for.
