I've been thinking a lot about what I'd like to do when I decide it's time to go back into the "actually pays money" workforce.
I mean, I LOVE being a full-time mommy and all, but getting paid in Soggy Diapers and Booger Slime Nose Surprise kind of gets a little.... "not money"-ey sometimes.
And I have big plans for the dinero sitting in my bank account, all lonely and forgotten. It needs to be added to, eventually, so that I can achieve those dreams.
But I digress.
Here are the options I've come up with so far:
1) Bouncer/Fight Breaker Upper on a "Spoiled Rich Girl Learns Life Lessons" reality show. This might just be the easiest job in the world. When they start screaming at each other over "who drank who's boxed wine" and throwing marinara sauce on each other, I'd hop in there and dominate. They may fight back, but they couldn't possibly expect to win or even hurt me. These girls have ZERO muscular strength from refraining from all manual labor more strenuous than sexting their boyfriends. And even if they did try to scrap with me, the fight would be over the minute I scuffed their Jimmy Choos or broke one of their nails. Or pulled out their fake hair tracts. Although I'd probably throw some good punches their way anyway to help them learn that "violence doesn't solve your boxed wine crisis". They wouldn't stand a chance against me. I lift my 20 pound Wonder Son all day; I'm a veritable beast. Bottom Line: Someone's gotta keep those whiny anorexic bitches in check.
2) Camera Woman/ Technician for any "Survivor" type reality show. I'd be all up the wilderness, filming these starved, half crazed, game players, GRUBBIN' ON MASS AMOUNTS OF CHEESEBURGERS. There's really no rhyme or reason as to why I want this job, other than my desire to do it for the irony. I want to watch these people's faces as I stand there filming them, deliberately chewing ever so slowly on a double decker extra bacon cheesy cheesy cheeseburger. With fries. Maybe a cherry turnover. And definitely a cupcake. Maybe two.
Which brings me to my third and most coveted position of...
3) Cake Taste-Tester/Judge on ANY Baking reality show. I WANT THIS JOB most of all. Imagine, me, sitting on a cozy little stool, cuddled up to plate after plate of delicate, moise, expertly prepared and cleverly presented cake...
O. M. Geezus it would be perfect. Devil's Food, Italian Cream, Southern Lemon.... the list goes on and on. And so does the string of drool from my chin. I know what you're thinking. "But Krista, you like ALL kinds of cake; and the job is to judge the good and bad of the Caking World; wouldn't you just say that they're all wonderful?"
To that I say, not so. Every 8th plate of cake, or so, I'd act completely disgusted and enraged by whatever slice of red velvet just happened to be the unlucky victim of my rage. I'd raise Cain, throwing the unsuspecting cake to the floor, stomping it to all smithereens, then using the plate it came on to beat the poor baker's kneecaps in and bite off his or her ear; thereby securing my job for the future, and cementing my reputation as The Authority On All Things Delicous And Of Cake.
So those are the Fields of expertise that I'm looking into. Let me know which one you'd chose, and which one you think I would thrive in the best.
In other news, my kid is being kind of funny this week. He's trying....new things.
Ronin's Top Seven New Actions That Make Me Laugh:
1. I keep finding him pulling out little pieces of carpet and quickly trying to shove them in his mouth to eat them before I can stop him.
2. Ditto for cat food. The cats knock a few pieces out of their bowl and he has amazing homing-device-like ability when it comes to locating and eating the renegade Ocean Delight nuggets. Sometimes, I'm not fast enough and he ends up successfully eating the cat food. I guess it must be good because he keeps going back for more.
3. I have the coffee table pushed up flush with the couch. He "tap dances" on the coffee table, then dives face first into the couch cushions. This cracks him up. He does it again and again; it's our new favorite game.
4. He attempts to do somersaults on the floor. He gets his head down on the carpet, one hand on either side, and straightens his legs putting his little booty high up in the air. He teeters precariously from side to side for a while, and then kind of flops limply to one side. He'll be the next Paul Hamm.
5. When I have the refrigerator open he runs over and takes the lettuce out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in...
6. If I hand him anything soft (blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, Pillow Pal, jacket...) he holds it up to his cheek and cuddles it, melting into it until he's in the Fetal Position just grinning away and cuddling his Soft Thing. This goes for our cats too, if they make the mistake of getting within arm's reach of him.
7. Ronin likes to "pet" me now. I taught him how to gently pet our cats; to caress them instead of pulling their fur, and I guess he thinks that the same goes for Mama. He sits in my lap and strokes my shin. He'll kind of rub the side of my face if I'm holding him. I love it. It's as if he's saying "there's a good mommy. Sweet Mommy. Nice Mommy."
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment so that I know which path to take my career in.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
the importance of paying attention
i have learned, after a series of follies, that paying attention is important.
paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.
1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:
When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.
2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You:
Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.
3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:
I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot. My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.
4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:
My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table, find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off. I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.
5 Small Things I Did Today:
1) Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.
2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.
3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.
4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...
5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.
Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.
paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.
1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:
When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.
2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You:
Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.
3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:
I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot. My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.
4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:
My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table, find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off. I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.
5 Small Things I Did Today:
1) Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.
2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.
3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.
4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...
5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.
Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
More Letters to random... randoms.
Dear Walmart;
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane. It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista
Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista
Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body. I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista
Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista
Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today. I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista
Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out. Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista
Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista
Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey. I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats. And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista
Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.
2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.
3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.
4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.
5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!
6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.
7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.
8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.
9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.
10) cheesesteak sandwich.
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane. It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista
Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista
Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body. I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista
Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista
Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today. I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista
Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out. Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista
Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista
Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey. I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats. And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista
Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.
2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.
3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.
4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.
5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!
6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.
7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.
8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.
9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.
10) cheesesteak sandwich.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Walmart people are terrifying
everytime i go to walmart here in Georgia, i die a little bit inside.
i lose more and more faith in humanity.
today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.
i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."
oh. my. God.
it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.
it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.
it's terrifying.
imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.
like i said, terrifying.
also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?
so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.
also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".
yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.
maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.
also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.
think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.
i lose more and more faith in humanity.
today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.
i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."
oh. my. God.
it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.
it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.
it's terrifying.
imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.
like i said, terrifying.
also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?
so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.
also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".
yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.
maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.
also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.
think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Row Your Boat 2011 Edition
i love being a mom, but i'm having a reeeeeeeally hard time getting into children's music.
specifically the ones that haven't been updated since the dark ages. or thereabouts.
i'm talking about "Ring Around The Rosie" and "All Around The Mulberry Bush" and other completely useless songs like that. they teach NOTHING to our children, except for the fact that it's hilarious when everyone gets the bubonic plague and dies and "we all fall down". excellent value teach. death is funny.
what kind of sick twisted people are still pushing this frightening song on our impressionable toddlers?
i propose that we revise a few songs. you know, change them up and make them more relevant and current.
I'm going to do the world a HUGE service and fix these terrible meaningless songs for our posterity. here's an example. sing this one to your kids to the tune of Old MacDonald:
"Oh! Don't play in dark alley ways, or you will get butt-raped. Prostitutes and Addicts too, HIV abounds! with an AIDS! AIDS! here and a SPARE CHANGE? there, feces piles, broken glass, thugs will pounce and beat your ass. So don't play in dark alley ways, they're no fun for you!"
or try this delightful song on for size. sing this to your sleeping tot to London Bridge Is Falling Down:
"Don't stick sharp things in your eye! It will hurt. You Will Cry. Outlets aren't for forks or knives, Naive baby."
or change up Row Row Row your boat and sing this catchy tune:
"She is not 18, LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE!! Or the cops will jail your ass for your intent to bone."
You're welcome, Earth.
More to come in my upcoming debut album, Krista's Cautionary Tales and Sing-Along Songs; available soon on iTunes and Amazon.com
OMG CAKE WANT. but cake cannot have. sigh.
i'm down to 138lbs. it's still not the 120 that i want, but it's a hell of a lot better than the 202 pounds that i started with. thank you Taco Bell. you nacho cheese peddling bastards.
i'm watching Marky Mark Talks To Trees, also known as "The Happening" and i'm amazed at the stereotypes that they shamelessly threw in there.
for example they first pan to West Virginia where there are two older women knitting and watching TV in gas masks. Because that's obviously all that West Virginia has to offer. Knitting octagenarians.
after that they show 8 Cubans crammed into a bathtub in Florida, because there are clearly only Cubans in Florida.
then they show white rednecks in Nebraska all in green camo getting their guns and ammo together to "take on the terrorists" or whatever. i think they'll be dissappointed when they discover it's not Al Quaeda they have to worry about but the insatiable BLOODLUST of Weeping Willows.
thank you M. Night Shamalamalan for painting an accurate portrait of America's populace. you're keeping prejudice and stereotypes alive and for that we are indebted to you.
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1) In the course of my gym workout today i ran for a full 9 and 1/2 minutes straight. and I NEVER run. so yay me.
2) i did NOT make more Nutella Brownies even though i reeeeeeeally wanted to.
3) I couldn't find the Lucashoff Riesling that i wanted at Harvards, but i got a bottle of Riesling that yelled at me to RELAX from the label. and i intend to RELAX.
4) i am not a crazy old lady like the paranoid one in Marky Mark Talks To Trees... oops, The Happening.
5) i am not a murderous spruce tree either.
6) i fought with every ounce of my will power against my bulemia today and i beat the urge to purge. WIN!
7) even though three cars were broken into in my apartment complex, we were fortunate enough to not be burgled. Safety Win!
8) i just found out what that winged guy on the X-Men movie's real name is: Ben Foster.
9) i bought a toilet plunger today and i made it through the store and checkout lane without even blushing, even though it felt like the shamiest Walk Of Shame.
10) With the help of an old friend i was able to post more pictures of my Sexy 2008 Body on facebook. it's my goal to get back to being that tight and toned and that sexy and tan!
whup whup whup whup gooodnight.
specifically the ones that haven't been updated since the dark ages. or thereabouts.
i'm talking about "Ring Around The Rosie" and "All Around The Mulberry Bush" and other completely useless songs like that. they teach NOTHING to our children, except for the fact that it's hilarious when everyone gets the bubonic plague and dies and "we all fall down". excellent value teach. death is funny.
what kind of sick twisted people are still pushing this frightening song on our impressionable toddlers?
i propose that we revise a few songs. you know, change them up and make them more relevant and current.
I'm going to do the world a HUGE service and fix these terrible meaningless songs for our posterity. here's an example. sing this one to your kids to the tune of Old MacDonald:
"Oh! Don't play in dark alley ways, or you will get butt-raped. Prostitutes and Addicts too, HIV abounds! with an AIDS! AIDS! here and a SPARE CHANGE? there, feces piles, broken glass, thugs will pounce and beat your ass. So don't play in dark alley ways, they're no fun for you!"
or try this delightful song on for size. sing this to your sleeping tot to London Bridge Is Falling Down:
"Don't stick sharp things in your eye! It will hurt. You Will Cry. Outlets aren't for forks or knives, Naive baby."
or change up Row Row Row your boat and sing this catchy tune:
"She is not 18, LEAVE THAT GIRL ALONE!! Or the cops will jail your ass for your intent to bone."
You're welcome, Earth.
More to come in my upcoming debut album, Krista's Cautionary Tales and Sing-Along Songs; available soon on iTunes and Amazon.com
OMG CAKE WANT. but cake cannot have. sigh.
i'm down to 138lbs. it's still not the 120 that i want, but it's a hell of a lot better than the 202 pounds that i started with. thank you Taco Bell. you nacho cheese peddling bastards.
i'm watching Marky Mark Talks To Trees, also known as "The Happening" and i'm amazed at the stereotypes that they shamelessly threw in there.
for example they first pan to West Virginia where there are two older women knitting and watching TV in gas masks. Because that's obviously all that West Virginia has to offer. Knitting octagenarians.
after that they show 8 Cubans crammed into a bathtub in Florida, because there are clearly only Cubans in Florida.
then they show white rednecks in Nebraska all in green camo getting their guns and ammo together to "take on the terrorists" or whatever. i think they'll be dissappointed when they discover it's not Al Quaeda they have to worry about but the insatiable BLOODLUST of Weeping Willows.
thank you M. Night Shamalamalan for painting an accurate portrait of America's populace. you're keeping prejudice and stereotypes alive and for that we are indebted to you.
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1) In the course of my gym workout today i ran for a full 9 and 1/2 minutes straight. and I NEVER run. so yay me.
2) i did NOT make more Nutella Brownies even though i reeeeeeeally wanted to.
3) I couldn't find the Lucashoff Riesling that i wanted at Harvards, but i got a bottle of Riesling that yelled at me to RELAX from the label. and i intend to RELAX.
4) i am not a crazy old lady like the paranoid one in Marky Mark Talks To Trees... oops, The Happening.
5) i am not a murderous spruce tree either.
6) i fought with every ounce of my will power against my bulemia today and i beat the urge to purge. WIN!
7) even though three cars were broken into in my apartment complex, we were fortunate enough to not be burgled. Safety Win!
8) i just found out what that winged guy on the X-Men movie's real name is: Ben Foster.
9) i bought a toilet plunger today and i made it through the store and checkout lane without even blushing, even though it felt like the shamiest Walk Of Shame.
10) With the help of an old friend i was able to post more pictures of my Sexy 2008 Body on facebook. it's my goal to get back to being that tight and toned and that sexy and tan!
whup whup whup whup gooodnight.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
wasting time in the best of ways
i waste time only for good, and never for evil.
allow me to back up and explain.
i have a 10 month old son that requires constant attention and mental stimulation as well as monitoring for safety because he walks and runs EVERYWHERE.
so when i get free time, it is precious and short. i spend it... probably not so wisely.
for example, today Ronin (my boy!) took an hour long nap.
what did i do?
apart from rubbing my hands together and grinning like The Grinch about to heist some Roast Beast, that is.
i plopped my computer on the floor and half-assed my way through some yoga. now, i say half-assed only because my arms have the same strength and muscle-power as that of a 2-inch long goldfish so i had to drop to my knees and wussie out of most of the "upper-body strength dependant" moves.
after that invigorating 16 minute, 42 calories burned session i moved onto lazier activities.
to be specific, i spent a good half an hour googling pictures of Jared Leto's new Platinum Blonde and Pink Mohawk.
i want to crawl inside of his mohawk and have a picnic. maybe do some knitting. or make some pottery while i'm in there. mostly i'm just envious and very jealous that he has cool hair and mine looks like, well, this most of the time:
after i was done pining over Jared's infinitely cooler coif, i spent another good 20 minutes looking at pictures of cake. specifically looking for a cake in the shape of a treadmill. just for the record, there isn't one out there in cyberspace.
it does not exist.
i'm sorry to crush your dreams.
other Free Time Wasting Favorites are:
1) chasing my cats with a hair brush
2) cleaning the tartar out of my teeth with a gracie scaler that i hoisted from where i used to work.
3) pushing back the cuticles of my toenails.
4) cutting my husband's toenails.
5) painting my dad's toenails.
6) baking nutella brownies or yummy cupcakes and then finding friends that will allow me to shove them down their throats.
7) weeding out the good music on my computer from the dross, pure unadulterated crap.
8) looking for abandoned pennies.
9) planning for but never starting a garden.
and.......
10) looking at houses for sale/rent in random states and cities. just because.
January is annoying.
i went to the gym today, expecting to do "my usual".
1/2 hour on the elliptical/stairstepping hybrid machine, 1/2 hour on the actual elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes or so doing strength training.
but there were all these people crawling all over the place.
there was a tiny tiny shriveled woman on the elliptical that could barely reach the handles while she pedaled. not a "little person" as much as i think she's just a humunculus.
there was an older blonde lady in a cerulean blue velour track suit. stylin. truly.
and sooooooo many sweaty men that had forgotten their deodorant. and possibly how to brush their teeth. and definitely how to bathe regularly.
but i digress. i know everyone's all gung-ho about getting healthy and working out and junk, but i miss the days when there was only a handful of people hogging the machines instead of 128 people milling about looking lost and wearing ridiculous velour track suits.
it was nice when i could be 2 or 3 machines away from the nearest person so i didn't have to smell their sweat/breath/farts. yes farts. cuz people on cardio machines fart a LOT. getting all those innards and juices moving...
truth be told, i'm not exempt from this particular phenomenon. i let farts rip that would put baboons to shame. what with their poo flinging and all.
what else what else what else...
i really need to write more. i feel like i'm losing my audience.
i also feel like i need to engage in illegal activities and start putting graffiti of my blog's URL on bathroom stalls and park benches and such. ya know, get the word out.
i've got readers in 39 different countries now (welcome, Romania!) and now i'm just a greedy little bitch about getting more readers. trying to make some revenue, ya know? but more importantly, i just like making people smile.
so if you would, tell a friend. post a link on your website/facebook page/email/local park bench/mcdonald's bathroom/cozy Starbucks armchair.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) i wish my cats wouldn't lick each other on my dining table.
2) it's funny hearing a guy say the words "pineapple sunrise" with a straight face.
3) Corgi dogs are the Oompa Loompas of the canine world.
4) i'm in the mood to karate-chop styrofoam beams.
5) i have no idea how old the soy milk in the refridgerator is. i wanna say two months...
6) i think that Kanye West is sneaking into record studios and hiding his Auto-tune excerpts into ACTUAL music, thus stripping it of it's beauty and power. example: why the hell is his arrogant ass spittin' on my favorite 30 Seconds To Mars track, Hurricane? matherfacker.
7) Godiva coffee is disgusting. or i'm not making it right.... 8 scoops to every half cup of water, right? ugh. puke.
8) my friends and family and readers continue to be awesome.
9) i desire... more comments. and macaroni pictures. and popsicle stick people.
10) i just called my bestie's little brother a "nerd" after he posted a parody-style status about dragons. i feel that it's a sufficient "diss". i dunno. do people still say "diss"?
Peace out my little mince-meat pies!
allow me to back up and explain.
i have a 10 month old son that requires constant attention and mental stimulation as well as monitoring for safety because he walks and runs EVERYWHERE.
so when i get free time, it is precious and short. i spend it... probably not so wisely.
for example, today Ronin (my boy!) took an hour long nap.
what did i do?
apart from rubbing my hands together and grinning like The Grinch about to heist some Roast Beast, that is.
i plopped my computer on the floor and half-assed my way through some yoga. now, i say half-assed only because my arms have the same strength and muscle-power as that of a 2-inch long goldfish so i had to drop to my knees and wussie out of most of the "upper-body strength dependant" moves.
after that invigorating 16 minute, 42 calories burned session i moved onto lazier activities.
to be specific, i spent a good half an hour googling pictures of Jared Leto's new Platinum Blonde and Pink Mohawk.
after i was done pining over Jared's infinitely cooler coif, i spent another good 20 minutes looking at pictures of cake. specifically looking for a cake in the shape of a treadmill. just for the record, there isn't one out there in cyberspace.
it does not exist.
i'm sorry to crush your dreams.
other Free Time Wasting Favorites are:
1) chasing my cats with a hair brush
2) cleaning the tartar out of my teeth with a gracie scaler that i hoisted from where i used to work.
3) pushing back the cuticles of my toenails.
4) cutting my husband's toenails.
5) painting my dad's toenails.
6) baking nutella brownies or yummy cupcakes and then finding friends that will allow me to shove them down their throats.
7) weeding out the good music on my computer from the dross, pure unadulterated crap.
8) looking for abandoned pennies.
9) planning for but never starting a garden.
and.......
10) looking at houses for sale/rent in random states and cities. just because.
January is annoying.
i went to the gym today, expecting to do "my usual".
1/2 hour on the elliptical/stairstepping hybrid machine, 1/2 hour on the actual elliptical, 10 minutes on the treadmill and 20 minutes or so doing strength training.
but there were all these people crawling all over the place.
there was a tiny tiny shriveled woman on the elliptical that could barely reach the handles while she pedaled. not a "little person" as much as i think she's just a humunculus.
there was an older blonde lady in a cerulean blue velour track suit. stylin. truly.
and sooooooo many sweaty men that had forgotten their deodorant. and possibly how to brush their teeth. and definitely how to bathe regularly.
but i digress. i know everyone's all gung-ho about getting healthy and working out and junk, but i miss the days when there was only a handful of people hogging the machines instead of 128 people milling about looking lost and wearing ridiculous velour track suits.
it was nice when i could be 2 or 3 machines away from the nearest person so i didn't have to smell their sweat/breath/farts. yes farts. cuz people on cardio machines fart a LOT. getting all those innards and juices moving...
truth be told, i'm not exempt from this particular phenomenon. i let farts rip that would put baboons to shame. what with their poo flinging and all.
what else what else what else...
i really need to write more. i feel like i'm losing my audience.
i also feel like i need to engage in illegal activities and start putting graffiti of my blog's URL on bathroom stalls and park benches and such. ya know, get the word out.
i've got readers in 39 different countries now (welcome, Romania!) and now i'm just a greedy little bitch about getting more readers. trying to make some revenue, ya know? but more importantly, i just like making people smile.
so if you would, tell a friend. post a link on your website/facebook page/email/local park bench/mcdonald's bathroom/cozy Starbucks armchair.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) i wish my cats wouldn't lick each other on my dining table.
2) it's funny hearing a guy say the words "pineapple sunrise" with a straight face.
3) Corgi dogs are the Oompa Loompas of the canine world.
4) i'm in the mood to karate-chop styrofoam beams.
5) i have no idea how old the soy milk in the refridgerator is. i wanna say two months...
6) i think that Kanye West is sneaking into record studios and hiding his Auto-tune excerpts into ACTUAL music, thus stripping it of it's beauty and power. example: why the hell is his arrogant ass spittin' on my favorite 30 Seconds To Mars track, Hurricane? matherfacker.
7) Godiva coffee is disgusting. or i'm not making it right.... 8 scoops to every half cup of water, right? ugh. puke.
8) my friends and family and readers continue to be awesome.
9) i desire... more comments. and macaroni pictures. and popsicle stick people.
10) i just called my bestie's little brother a "nerd" after he posted a parody-style status about dragons. i feel that it's a sufficient "diss". i dunno. do people still say "diss"?
Peace out my little mince-meat pies!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
my zombie walks but never sleeps
i find myself awake at 4am today.
not out of willful choice, mind you, but because i have a SCREECHING ten month old baby upstairs who "doesn't understand" that nighttime is for SLEEPING and not for screaming at mom.
just because he can walk on his own now without holding onto me or daddy he thinks he's a big-shot that doesn't need to rest.
and he wants to punish me and let me know exactly how pissed his is at me for leaving him in his crib instead of letting him play when he wakes up at 2:30a.m. to do so.
little punk. momma needs sleep.
anywho, joy of joys Ronin finally got his confidence up and now instead of walking 3 or 4 steps, freaking out and sitting down, he walks all the way across the house from Shiny Object #1 to Shiny Object #2 with no hesitation.
good for him, but I'm in trouble.
we have a teeny tiny townhome with stuff just crammed all in it which doesn't make it very "baby friendly".
at least we don't keep our knives on the floor anymore. whew! dodged a bullet there.
oh, i think he stopped screaming... now he's just crying and whining. it's a small step but i'll take it.
ugh. losing weight is hard, y'all. and i know it's the time of year for it and talking about it is cliche and not exciting or new in the least, but it is what it is. it's a bis-natch.
i still have 16 pounds to go, thanks to the 2 pounds i put on in the last 12 days and it just seems like a hopelessly dark tunnel with no Scooby Doo nightlight at the end.
in leu of Scooby Doo, there is an Orc horde clad in battle armor and cake, threatening my diet and exercise regime and my very life. plus Orcs are smelly, so boo.
my hair is immortal. i know this because it has stopped growing and is in a constant state of unchanging Annoying Lengthitude. not quite long enough to put in a ponytail, not short enough to be considered "pixie" or "cute" or "un-barfy".
as a result of these two grievances i feel completely bummed out by anyone with a rockin' non-post-partum body and/or long hair.
sweet Jesus he's screeching again.
i go up and "check" on him and that just seems to make it worse cuz he sees me and cried louder as if to say "MOMMY WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE ME, I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUUUU". and then i feel like a dipshit parent when i leave him to let him cry it out.
ugh. why can't he just sleep through the night like a normal 10 month old baby.
my cats missed me while i was on vacation. i know this because every time i sit or lay down they are there, pinning my legs down and demanding all of my cuddles and pets. also they try to claw through Ronin's door when i'm in there with it shut.which does NOT help Ronin fall asleep.
i tried some yoga today. i did 5 or so different difficult positions and held them for 30-45 seconds each. i only did one circuit of them though because the laundry had to get done at some point so we could get it off of the bed and sleep. i'll do at least two rounds tomor.... i mean later today. you know when someone says "where does the time go"? well it goes right here.
Good News Everyone; i've found all of the extra time that you've lost. it's right here waiting for you in the "waiting for Ronin to go back to sleep so i can go back to sleep" space-time continuum. please pick it up at your earliest convenience.
Observant Observations:
1. our waitress at Ruby Tuesdays on Sunday evening looked like a poor copy of Ellen Page. in fact i nearly called her Ellen Page while she was walking around with our queso dip and chips, looking utterly lost like she was still stuck in Inception and there was no Leornardo to save her or whatever. (never saw the movie, just guessing at it's premise.)
2. businesses that "cut costs" by turning off the heat in the bathrooms should be tried as criminals in a court of law. sure it's fine for the men that have to take a squirt, but us lady-folk have to squat to pee on those ice cold toilet seats and it's deplorable.
3. aparentely if you "like" a whole bunch of webpages on Facebook just so that you can slap your blog's URL on it once a day everyday it is considered "abuse" and you're banned from doing it anymore. just a heads up. i guess i'll have to find another way to get the word out. where else can i do my digital graffiti? hmm...
4. it's funny how my husband tries to seduce me by making me laugh so hard that i nearly pee myself, and then he gets all in a huff because i get a bad case of the giggles while we're making love. i'm not laughing at him at all, just the Russian voice and the awkward gyrating bouncy dance he does to try and "get me hot". i love that man.
5. i saw a beautiful white and gold owl in the middle of the road while we were driving back home to Georgia from Virginia on Sunday. Deer? sure. Rabbit? of course. Armadillo- the state bird of Texas? absolutely. but an Owl? now that's a first.
not out of willful choice, mind you, but because i have a SCREECHING ten month old baby upstairs who "doesn't understand" that nighttime is for SLEEPING and not for screaming at mom.
just because he can walk on his own now without holding onto me or daddy he thinks he's a big-shot that doesn't need to rest.
and he wants to punish me and let me know exactly how pissed his is at me for leaving him in his crib instead of letting him play when he wakes up at 2:30a.m. to do so.
little punk. momma needs sleep.
anywho, joy of joys Ronin finally got his confidence up and now instead of walking 3 or 4 steps, freaking out and sitting down, he walks all the way across the house from Shiny Object #1 to Shiny Object #2 with no hesitation.
good for him, but I'm in trouble.
we have a teeny tiny townhome with stuff just crammed all in it which doesn't make it very "baby friendly".
at least we don't keep our knives on the floor anymore. whew! dodged a bullet there.
oh, i think he stopped screaming... now he's just crying and whining. it's a small step but i'll take it.
ugh. losing weight is hard, y'all. and i know it's the time of year for it and talking about it is cliche and not exciting or new in the least, but it is what it is. it's a bis-natch.
i still have 16 pounds to go, thanks to the 2 pounds i put on in the last 12 days and it just seems like a hopelessly dark tunnel with no Scooby Doo nightlight at the end.
in leu of Scooby Doo, there is an Orc horde clad in battle armor and cake, threatening my diet and exercise regime and my very life. plus Orcs are smelly, so boo.
my hair is immortal. i know this because it has stopped growing and is in a constant state of unchanging Annoying Lengthitude. not quite long enough to put in a ponytail, not short enough to be considered "pixie" or "cute" or "un-barfy".
as a result of these two grievances i feel completely bummed out by anyone with a rockin' non-post-partum body and/or long hair.
sweet Jesus he's screeching again.
i go up and "check" on him and that just seems to make it worse cuz he sees me and cried louder as if to say "MOMMY WHY DON'T YOU LOOOOOVE ME, I JUST WANT TO PLAY WITH YOUUUU". and then i feel like a dipshit parent when i leave him to let him cry it out.
ugh. why can't he just sleep through the night like a normal 10 month old baby.
my cats missed me while i was on vacation. i know this because every time i sit or lay down they are there, pinning my legs down and demanding all of my cuddles and pets. also they try to claw through Ronin's door when i'm in there with it shut.which does NOT help Ronin fall asleep.
i tried some yoga today. i did 5 or so different difficult positions and held them for 30-45 seconds each. i only did one circuit of them though because the laundry had to get done at some point so we could get it off of the bed and sleep. i'll do at least two rounds tomor.... i mean later today. you know when someone says "where does the time go"? well it goes right here.
Good News Everyone; i've found all of the extra time that you've lost. it's right here waiting for you in the "waiting for Ronin to go back to sleep so i can go back to sleep" space-time continuum. please pick it up at your earliest convenience.
Observant Observations:
1. our waitress at Ruby Tuesdays on Sunday evening looked like a poor copy of Ellen Page. in fact i nearly called her Ellen Page while she was walking around with our queso dip and chips, looking utterly lost like she was still stuck in Inception and there was no Leornardo to save her or whatever. (never saw the movie, just guessing at it's premise.)
2. businesses that "cut costs" by turning off the heat in the bathrooms should be tried as criminals in a court of law. sure it's fine for the men that have to take a squirt, but us lady-folk have to squat to pee on those ice cold toilet seats and it's deplorable.
3. aparentely if you "like" a whole bunch of webpages on Facebook just so that you can slap your blog's URL on it once a day everyday it is considered "abuse" and you're banned from doing it anymore. just a heads up. i guess i'll have to find another way to get the word out. where else can i do my digital graffiti? hmm...
4. it's funny how my husband tries to seduce me by making me laugh so hard that i nearly pee myself, and then he gets all in a huff because i get a bad case of the giggles while we're making love. i'm not laughing at him at all, just the Russian voice and the awkward gyrating bouncy dance he does to try and "get me hot". i love that man.
5. i saw a beautiful white and gold owl in the middle of the road while we were driving back home to Georgia from Virginia on Sunday. Deer? sure. Rabbit? of course. Armadillo- the state bird of Texas? absolutely. but an Owl? now that's a first.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Krista The Texan Christmas Flatworm
new year, new blog post. it's only fair.
i've not been good. it's funny how the opposite of Self Control is two acts of Loss Of Self Control. so i guess it all evens out. i really do need to think about finding a way to help myself stop purging. it's just not good for my teeth. and eventually i'm going to sound like a chain smoker cuz my esophagus will be ripped up beyond repair.
and that's not good at all.
but anyway. that's not really what i want to focus on. it doesn't make for a good read and definitely doesn't conjure up any laughs. well.... it might if you're more messed up than i am. so laugh at the fact that you know what i'm going through. laugh at the irony. but if you're just laughing at me to be a meanie then go screw yourself.
switching gears.
i love going on vacation. i love traveling and seeing family. and i love my son and husband.
i'd say the best part of seeing family is that they love to play with my little guy and i get to have my hands free!! now, i know i probably should have used the "free hands" to write blogs.... but i decided to read instead.
i never get to read.
what was my book of choice? why, the last book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. i thoroughly enjoy the series, even though my hubby has labeled it as "garbage". only joking of course, but that's cuz he's a bum and hasn't read them and likes to rib on me.
i think the only thing i'd change about the whole Twilight experience is the movies. what were they thinking? Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart? really? both of them can barely act. sure maybe the Pattinson kid is cute but not what i envisioned at all while reading the books. maybe they should have gotten that Efron guy. and i'd definitely rather watch Emma Stone as Bella. she's way cuter and a better actress.
anyway, those are my first draft picks.
i'm watching Vampires Suck right now and it's... dumb.
Mike and i got two tickets to go see the Nutcracker Ballet for Christmas. Awesome. we had a lovely night...
Hide And Seek D.C. Part Two, or, Krista the Texan Christmas Flatworm.
we headed off to the Metro to head to downtown D.C.
while waiting in the freezing cold and tiny-falling-snow for the train we thought it might be fun to play Hide and Seek D.C.
for all of you that haven't read the particular previous post, Hide and Seek D.C. is when we both hop on the Metro, and then Mike tries to shove me out of the moving train onto the tracks. i then have the option to either try to find him as he roams around D.C, find my way back to the house on foot, or i can become Queen of the Bums and reign over D.C.'s down-and-out-society.
so Mike fake-tiny-shoved me towards the tracks, and i responded with "i don't want to play Flat-Worms right now"!
Mike - "what is Flatworms?"
"it's where you lay down across the tracks and you get reeeeeally flat so when the train comes you don't get hurt as it runs you over"
"so you're a flatworm now, are you?"
"yes. i'm a flatworm. a Christmas flatworm."
"a Texan Christmas flatworm..."
we eventually boarded the metro and found ourselves amongst a few bums. Mike was pretty sure i was going to just take the option of becoming Queen of the Bums, so we discussed which one i'd probably run off with.
(ok. this isn't much fun as a play by play; so i'm going to just go with action snippets.)
went to a restaurant across from the ballet theatre that promised food, libation and merriment.
looked up the definition of libation.
decided that libation sounded pretty good.
ordered a riesling.
saw that they had Macaroni Lollipops as an appetizer.
so... what is a Macaroni Lollipop?
is it an elbow macaroni shaped piece of candy on a stick?
or a ball of macaroni and cheese on a stick?
why hadn't i heard of these before?
Mike said he hid their existance from me for my own good.
saw two ballerinas gettin' their drink on in the next booth.
ate one of the best cheeseburgers i've ever had.
headed over to the theatre for the ballet.
got a 9 dollar plastic cup of chardonnay.
proceeded to get a little sloppy during the first act.
decided that i missed ballet; the sore muscles, the performing, the bloody toes from pointe shoes - all of it.
on the metro going home, i found a pair of leather gloves with cashmere lining.
Mike told me I should leave them because they were probably riddled with AIDS.
i proceeded to chase him through the empty metro car trying to accost him with my new-found AIDS gloves that i was fearlessly wearing.
got back out to our car and cursed Virginia for not having snowed enough.
there was only a slight frosting of snow on the car.
barely enought to write obscenities in.
got home, got out of the car, went to bed.
the next morning i found that somehow i'd already lost one of my AIDS gloves. which is really really sad because i loved those poor homeless gloves.
Mike started saying that it was probably for the best and yada-yada, and i put my back against the kitchen wall and started flatworming; i got all pressed against the wall and flat and made this stretched look with my face...
to the untrained eye it might have looked like a vertical seizure.
Mike tried to pull me out of it, but i informed him that i could not hear him due to having no ears; being a flatworm and all.
this turned into one of my new favorite sayings.
"can't hear you, i'm a flatworm!"
New Year's Eve was fun.
we went over to Mike's friend's house.
we brought a plastic tub of watermelon, 2 cheese logs, a ziploc bag of scrambled eggs, and 2 slices of american cheese. you know, being good party guests.
i also brought an empty Mountain Dew can so that i could drink my wine without the fear of spilling it while i made wild hand gestures, as i am want to do.
i knew most of the people there; i'd met most of them before.
but after about 20 minutes, all the guys went and bogarted the TVs to play their stupid video games.
which left us three girls alone.
with nothing to do but stand in the kitchen and eat.
and get fat.
we had nothing to do.
there weren't even any playing cards.
so, after my second Mountain Dew can of wine, i asked Mike to drive us ladies to go get some playing cards since everyone else at the party was completely ignoring us and i didn't want to stand around like a bowl of congealing oatmeal while the guys had fun.
we ended up getting a HUGE bottle of Riesling, a Hello Kitty coloring/activity book, crayons, puppy playing cards, Andes peppermint candies, and Apples to Apples.
we spend the next three hours at the kitched table drinking, singing Backstreet Boys songs, and coloring pages out of the Hello Kitty book.
the pictures ended up having boobies drawn onto Hello Kitty, a lesbian sex scene on the page that was mostly blank with the instructions to "draw a scene from your favorite movie" (ergo, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis getting frisky in Black Swan), and Hello Kitty serving tea walking across a blue rug with a giant penis on it.
the children's coloring book pages got racier as the evening wore on.
we tried to play Asshole, but were too tipsy to remember the rules so we gave up on the cards and ended up inviting the boys to play Apples to Apples after the midnight count-down.
i smoked 2 cigarettes. i don't often get the urge to smoke, but that night i felt like it. that brings the Grand Cigarette Total up to four whole cigarettes in my entire life.
so today, i'm nursing a bit of a hangover and missing the days when i could just sleep all the time.
i feel like i should make New Year's Resolutions.
usually, i pick these out in October or so of the previous year, but i procrastinated a bit, or so it seems, so i'll just have to come up with a few on the spot here.
Krista's New Year's Resolutions for 2011:
1. Lose 15 pounds; that will put me around roughly 125.
2. Take time to read at least a book a month.
3. I will NOT cut my hair this year; i will resist the urge.
4. Try new things every week (go vegetarian one week, spend a week without tv, a week without sugar, etc.)
5. Cook with more variety; seems like Mike and I stick to the same 10 or so meals and it's boring.
goodnight my friends; and Happy New Year!
i've not been good. it's funny how the opposite of Self Control is two acts of Loss Of Self Control. so i guess it all evens out. i really do need to think about finding a way to help myself stop purging. it's just not good for my teeth. and eventually i'm going to sound like a chain smoker cuz my esophagus will be ripped up beyond repair.
and that's not good at all.
but anyway. that's not really what i want to focus on. it doesn't make for a good read and definitely doesn't conjure up any laughs. well.... it might if you're more messed up than i am. so laugh at the fact that you know what i'm going through. laugh at the irony. but if you're just laughing at me to be a meanie then go screw yourself.
switching gears.
i love going on vacation. i love traveling and seeing family. and i love my son and husband.
i'd say the best part of seeing family is that they love to play with my little guy and i get to have my hands free!! now, i know i probably should have used the "free hands" to write blogs.... but i decided to read instead.
i never get to read.
what was my book of choice? why, the last book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn. i thoroughly enjoy the series, even though my hubby has labeled it as "garbage". only joking of course, but that's cuz he's a bum and hasn't read them and likes to rib on me.
i think the only thing i'd change about the whole Twilight experience is the movies. what were they thinking? Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart? really? both of them can barely act. sure maybe the Pattinson kid is cute but not what i envisioned at all while reading the books. maybe they should have gotten that Efron guy. and i'd definitely rather watch Emma Stone as Bella. she's way cuter and a better actress.
anyway, those are my first draft picks.
i'm watching Vampires Suck right now and it's... dumb.
Mike and i got two tickets to go see the Nutcracker Ballet for Christmas. Awesome. we had a lovely night...
Hide And Seek D.C. Part Two, or, Krista the Texan Christmas Flatworm.
we headed off to the Metro to head to downtown D.C.
while waiting in the freezing cold and tiny-falling-snow for the train we thought it might be fun to play Hide and Seek D.C.
for all of you that haven't read the particular previous post, Hide and Seek D.C. is when we both hop on the Metro, and then Mike tries to shove me out of the moving train onto the tracks. i then have the option to either try to find him as he roams around D.C, find my way back to the house on foot, or i can become Queen of the Bums and reign over D.C.'s down-and-out-society.
so Mike fake-tiny-shoved me towards the tracks, and i responded with "i don't want to play Flat-Worms right now"!
Mike - "what is Flatworms?"
"it's where you lay down across the tracks and you get reeeeeally flat so when the train comes you don't get hurt as it runs you over"
"so you're a flatworm now, are you?"
"yes. i'm a flatworm. a Christmas flatworm."
"a Texan Christmas flatworm..."
we eventually boarded the metro and found ourselves amongst a few bums. Mike was pretty sure i was going to just take the option of becoming Queen of the Bums, so we discussed which one i'd probably run off with.
(ok. this isn't much fun as a play by play; so i'm going to just go with action snippets.)
went to a restaurant across from the ballet theatre that promised food, libation and merriment.
looked up the definition of libation.
decided that libation sounded pretty good.
ordered a riesling.
saw that they had Macaroni Lollipops as an appetizer.
so... what is a Macaroni Lollipop?
is it an elbow macaroni shaped piece of candy on a stick?
or a ball of macaroni and cheese on a stick?
why hadn't i heard of these before?
Mike said he hid their existance from me for my own good.
saw two ballerinas gettin' their drink on in the next booth.
ate one of the best cheeseburgers i've ever had.
headed over to the theatre for the ballet.
got a 9 dollar plastic cup of chardonnay.
proceeded to get a little sloppy during the first act.
decided that i missed ballet; the sore muscles, the performing, the bloody toes from pointe shoes - all of it.
on the metro going home, i found a pair of leather gloves with cashmere lining.
Mike told me I should leave them because they were probably riddled with AIDS.
i proceeded to chase him through the empty metro car trying to accost him with my new-found AIDS gloves that i was fearlessly wearing.
got back out to our car and cursed Virginia for not having snowed enough.
there was only a slight frosting of snow on the car.
barely enought to write obscenities in.
got home, got out of the car, went to bed.
the next morning i found that somehow i'd already lost one of my AIDS gloves. which is really really sad because i loved those poor homeless gloves.
Mike started saying that it was probably for the best and yada-yada, and i put my back against the kitchen wall and started flatworming; i got all pressed against the wall and flat and made this stretched look with my face...
to the untrained eye it might have looked like a vertical seizure.
Mike tried to pull me out of it, but i informed him that i could not hear him due to having no ears; being a flatworm and all.
this turned into one of my new favorite sayings.
"can't hear you, i'm a flatworm!"
New Year's Eve was fun.
we went over to Mike's friend's house.
we brought a plastic tub of watermelon, 2 cheese logs, a ziploc bag of scrambled eggs, and 2 slices of american cheese. you know, being good party guests.
i also brought an empty Mountain Dew can so that i could drink my wine without the fear of spilling it while i made wild hand gestures, as i am want to do.
i knew most of the people there; i'd met most of them before.
but after about 20 minutes, all the guys went and bogarted the TVs to play their stupid video games.
which left us three girls alone.
with nothing to do but stand in the kitchen and eat.
and get fat.
we had nothing to do.
there weren't even any playing cards.
so, after my second Mountain Dew can of wine, i asked Mike to drive us ladies to go get some playing cards since everyone else at the party was completely ignoring us and i didn't want to stand around like a bowl of congealing oatmeal while the guys had fun.
we ended up getting a HUGE bottle of Riesling, a Hello Kitty coloring/activity book, crayons, puppy playing cards, Andes peppermint candies, and Apples to Apples.
we spend the next three hours at the kitched table drinking, singing Backstreet Boys songs, and coloring pages out of the Hello Kitty book.
the pictures ended up having boobies drawn onto Hello Kitty, a lesbian sex scene on the page that was mostly blank with the instructions to "draw a scene from your favorite movie" (ergo, Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis getting frisky in Black Swan), and Hello Kitty serving tea walking across a blue rug with a giant penis on it.
the children's coloring book pages got racier as the evening wore on.
we tried to play Asshole, but were too tipsy to remember the rules so we gave up on the cards and ended up inviting the boys to play Apples to Apples after the midnight count-down.
i smoked 2 cigarettes. i don't often get the urge to smoke, but that night i felt like it. that brings the Grand Cigarette Total up to four whole cigarettes in my entire life.
so today, i'm nursing a bit of a hangover and missing the days when i could just sleep all the time.
i feel like i should make New Year's Resolutions.
usually, i pick these out in October or so of the previous year, but i procrastinated a bit, or so it seems, so i'll just have to come up with a few on the spot here.
Krista's New Year's Resolutions for 2011:
1. Lose 15 pounds; that will put me around roughly 125.
2. Take time to read at least a book a month.
3. I will NOT cut my hair this year; i will resist the urge.
4. Try new things every week (go vegetarian one week, spend a week without tv, a week without sugar, etc.)
5. Cook with more variety; seems like Mike and I stick to the same 10 or so meals and it's boring.
goodnight my friends; and Happy New Year!
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