I'm growing up all over the place.
I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-evaluation lately. Mostly because i need a change.
I crave change.
In about a month from now I will be 27.
Three years from thirty.
I guess this next year of my life is as good a time as any to actually grow up.
I took out my belly ring for good last night. No amount of glitz and sparkle around my navel (naval?) will ever be enough to make up for the copious amount of deep dark stretch marks that plague my middle.
No dangling chain of stars will ever make it flat and beautiful again.
So I figured that maybe I should stop lying to myself, pull the blinders off of my dissillusioned eyes, and take the cursed thing out.
I already feel more like a grown-up woman.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Frog Lips
so it's finally happening. I'm leaving the state of Georgia and i'm never going back!
we head to Maryland a week from today and i couldn't be more excited.
it's sad that i'll be leaving some awesome friends, but true friendship doesn't dissolve with time and distance.
the only thing i'm truly worried about is my cats.
i'm staring at a 9+ hours car ride with two cats and a 15 month old.
i've started having night tremors about cat piss in my car.
Mischief will most likely be fine. He'll climb up on my shoulder, impede my ability to check my blind spots, and look out the window the whole time while yowling in my ear and demanding pets. Lady i'm sure will crawl under the seats and piss herself the entire time out of terror.
she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and on top of that she's a Giant Weenie.
i guess the best i can do is cover the upholstery in plastic sheets, pop a couple of Ronin's diapers on their kitty butts and hope for the best.
or keep them in their kennel. which might be the better option.
i do think they'd look cute in Ronin's Sesame Street diapers though.
little tails poking through...
haha, just had an idea for the Shortest Post Ever: Reasons why Georgia is Awesome.
it's not.
end of post.
Krista's Random Thoughts Before Starting her Day:
1) why did i not capitalize the "h" in "her"? huh.
2) the lady at Progressive that i talked to today sounded exactly like the chick from Flight Of The Conchords. This chick:
i spent the entire time on the phone with her trying not to crack up.
3) Ronin is eating a muffin in his high chair and dancing because he's so happy about it. Awesome.
4) If you're not watching the show GLEE then you are missing out on some FANTASTIC music. Music such as this:
5) Bridesmaids is a hilarious movie! definitely a "girlfriends" flick. I'm going to miss my girls when i move!
6) went to get some black nail polish today, and Ronin reaches up to me holding a very pretty shell/coral pink. he picked it out for me! so of course i got it. how could i not?
7) the Army is packing all of our stuff up for us and hauling it off and away to MD on Friday. we don't leave until Monday or Tuesday. it's gonna be awkward living in an empty townhouse for the weekend with no dishes/beds/couches/tv/microwave/crib/dressers....
8) it's taking longer than i expected to get pregnant again. oh well. it just means that my summer clothes will fit me this year <3 the baby will come when it comes.
9) on an seperate and not-unrelated note, my biological Big Ben is booming away in the back of my mind. I ain't gettin' any younger.
10) PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS BLOG! i promise that once i get to Maryland i'll be writing more.
11) My little Brother gets back from his mission to California for the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on the 15th and i'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM TO MEET HIS NEPHEW!! i'm also excited to see him myself; he's pretty awesome!
peace, peas, and chicken grease. ugh, gross. nevermind the grease. how about, peace, peas, and homemade nutella chocolate chip cookies?
we head to Maryland a week from today and i couldn't be more excited.
it's sad that i'll be leaving some awesome friends, but true friendship doesn't dissolve with time and distance.
the only thing i'm truly worried about is my cats.
i'm staring at a 9+ hours car ride with two cats and a 15 month old.
i've started having night tremors about cat piss in my car.
Mischief will most likely be fine. He'll climb up on my shoulder, impede my ability to check my blind spots, and look out the window the whole time while yowling in my ear and demanding pets. Lady i'm sure will crawl under the seats and piss herself the entire time out of terror.
she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and on top of that she's a Giant Weenie.
i guess the best i can do is cover the upholstery in plastic sheets, pop a couple of Ronin's diapers on their kitty butts and hope for the best.
or keep them in their kennel. which might be the better option.
i do think they'd look cute in Ronin's Sesame Street diapers though.
little tails poking through...
haha, just had an idea for the Shortest Post Ever: Reasons why Georgia is Awesome.
it's not.
end of post.
Krista's Random Thoughts Before Starting her Day:
1) why did i not capitalize the "h" in "her"? huh.
2) the lady at Progressive that i talked to today sounded exactly like the chick from Flight Of The Conchords. This chick:
3) Ronin is eating a muffin in his high chair and dancing because he's so happy about it. Awesome.
4) If you're not watching the show GLEE then you are missing out on some FANTASTIC music. Music such as this:
6) went to get some black nail polish today, and Ronin reaches up to me holding a very pretty shell/coral pink. he picked it out for me! so of course i got it. how could i not?
7) the Army is packing all of our stuff up for us and hauling it off and away to MD on Friday. we don't leave until Monday or Tuesday. it's gonna be awkward living in an empty townhouse for the weekend with no dishes/beds/couches/tv/microwave/crib/dressers....
8) it's taking longer than i expected to get pregnant again. oh well. it just means that my summer clothes will fit me this year <3 the baby will come when it comes.
9) on an seperate and not-unrelated note, my biological Big Ben is booming away in the back of my mind. I ain't gettin' any younger.
10) PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS BLOG! i promise that once i get to Maryland i'll be writing more.
11) My little Brother gets back from his mission to California for the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on the 15th and i'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM TO MEET HIS NEPHEW!! i'm also excited to see him myself; he's pretty awesome!
peace, peas, and chicken grease. ugh, gross. nevermind the grease. how about, peace, peas, and homemade nutella chocolate chip cookies?
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Unicorns make the best movies.
in 21 days i'll be leaving this state forever.
i've been trapped here for the last 5 years of my life and i am tooooo excited to leave!
we found a great 4 bedroom townhome in Maryland with a fenced in yard and a decent kitchen, among other wonderful features. i'm chomping at the bit to get packed up and moved.
the only thing i'm kind of sad about is the fact that i'll have to start kind of all over again making new friends. i'll have a few kind of built-in girl friends in the form of the significant others of Mike's friends so that helps.
it's going to be.... interesting having two cats and a 15 month old in a car for 9 hours making the drive up to our new home. i have 21 days to live in fear of the cat piss that i'm sure will be spilt in the fabric of my car's seats from a terrified Lady kitty.
oh joy.
next subject.
i watched two of the most horrible movies ever made yesterday.
Mazes and Monsters with Tom Hanks and The Rig with The Worst Actors Imaginable.
i ended up slurping down a bottle of Riesling in order to survive the double horror.
and now Mike, who FORCED me to watch those two movies, won't watch The Last Unicorn with me.
which is just a crying shame because it's the BEST movie EVER made.
next subject.
i'm excited to be pregnant again. clarification; i'm looking forward to it. last time it mellowed me out and made me so incredibly un-neurotic. that sure would be nice.
so yesterday i was on the stationary bike at the gym pumping hard and it popped into my head that i used to be 17 pounds skinnier than i currently am. It seemed so impossible and such an unattainable goal that it threw me head first into a Miniature Depression Pit. i hopped off the bike, sighed, and went home.
aaaaaaand i'm cutting this short because my boy will be waking up from First Nap any second now.
Top Five Fun Things I've Been Up To Lately:
1) listening to Maroon 5's newest album. it's AWESOME.
2) getting a tan on my whitey white white skin. i no longer glow in the dark. thank you. *takes bow*.
3) attempting to turn my "Don't Pick Me Up" kitty into a "Please Hold Me All The Time And Cuddle Me" kitty. things are going well. she lets me hold her for about ten seconds now before she wants down.
4) i'm almost out of coffee. wait, that's a bad thing...
5) dancing while i'm running on the treadmill at the gym. i figure, the more fun i'm having the more i'll work out. so i ignore the looks and chuckles of the on-lookers and i go ahead and get down with my bad self.
here's something that makes me laugh; not for the sensitive of constitution.
i've been trapped here for the last 5 years of my life and i am tooooo excited to leave!
we found a great 4 bedroom townhome in Maryland with a fenced in yard and a decent kitchen, among other wonderful features. i'm chomping at the bit to get packed up and moved.
the only thing i'm kind of sad about is the fact that i'll have to start kind of all over again making new friends. i'll have a few kind of built-in girl friends in the form of the significant others of Mike's friends so that helps.
it's going to be.... interesting having two cats and a 15 month old in a car for 9 hours making the drive up to our new home. i have 21 days to live in fear of the cat piss that i'm sure will be spilt in the fabric of my car's seats from a terrified Lady kitty.
oh joy.
next subject.
i watched two of the most horrible movies ever made yesterday.
Mazes and Monsters with Tom Hanks and The Rig with The Worst Actors Imaginable.
i ended up slurping down a bottle of Riesling in order to survive the double horror.
and now Mike, who FORCED me to watch those two movies, won't watch The Last Unicorn with me.
next subject.
i'm excited to be pregnant again. clarification; i'm looking forward to it. last time it mellowed me out and made me so incredibly un-neurotic. that sure would be nice.
so yesterday i was on the stationary bike at the gym pumping hard and it popped into my head that i used to be 17 pounds skinnier than i currently am. It seemed so impossible and such an unattainable goal that it threw me head first into a Miniature Depression Pit. i hopped off the bike, sighed, and went home.
aaaaaaand i'm cutting this short because my boy will be waking up from First Nap any second now.
Top Five Fun Things I've Been Up To Lately:
1) listening to Maroon 5's newest album. it's AWESOME.
2) getting a tan on my whitey white white skin. i no longer glow in the dark. thank you. *takes bow*.
3) attempting to turn my "Don't Pick Me Up" kitty into a "Please Hold Me All The Time And Cuddle Me" kitty. things are going well. she lets me hold her for about ten seconds now before she wants down.
4) i'm almost out of coffee. wait, that's a bad thing...
5) dancing while i'm running on the treadmill at the gym. i figure, the more fun i'm having the more i'll work out. so i ignore the looks and chuckles of the on-lookers and i go ahead and get down with my bad self.
here's something that makes me laugh; not for the sensitive of constitution.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
Rainy Day Activities
BEST. TATTOO. EVER.
Also.
Is it raining outside? Did you quit your overly easy job to stick it to the man? Are you a stoner looking for something to do whilst you munch your munchies? Here are a few ideas to take you from:
to:
Favorite Things To Do When Bored:
* drive with nearly my entire left leg out the window (thanks ballet training!) and the Moby blasting. be wary of cops though. Cops don't like Moby.
* bake enormous amounts of cookies, eat two, then try to pawn them off on my friends.
* go to bing.com and search for images labeled "random" to get inspiration. end up gawking at the dude in the 12 inch spiked heels and the football pads.
* attempt to bake cornbread correctly. and fail.
* find new ways to multitask. lately it's doing hip thrust butt squeezes on my bed while playing sudoku on my phone 'til my eyes bleed.
* carry my cat around the house upside down. he seems to enjoy it.
* drive around blasting my russian music so people will think i'm foreign and therefore Cool.
* rearrange things in the house so that i have to hunt them down like vermin the next time i'm in need of Vick's VapoRub or toothpicks.
* slather lotion on anything that moves in an attempt to use up the collection of bottles that i've been hoarding away.
* go to the gym, turn up the ipod, and lip-sync all the words to Spice Girls songs while you run. the heavy breathing from the physical exertion actually pumps sound from your pipes, so your treadmill mates get a free concert. bonus win for them/silver lining.
* if stated treadmill mates give you grief for your impromptu concert, feel free to shake out your sweaty lycra pants on them. don't worry about the logistics of shaking out one's sweaty pants on someone else; just make it happen.
* Every time someone calls you that day, pretend to work at Burger King and take their order. Insist that they pull around to the second window.
* finding new ways to be a good party guest. i.e.: bring a few things from the fridge at your next holiday gathering. last one i went to i brought 3 slices of American Cheese, a ziploc baggie of scrambled eggs, a summer sausage, and a few fresh slices of tomahto. yes. you say tomayto, and i indeed say tomahto.
try these out the next time you get bored or find yourself with way too much time on your hands.
it makes for good stories to tell your kids.
or anecdotes to tell your new cell mate...
Also.
Is it raining outside? Did you quit your overly easy job to stick it to the man? Are you a stoner looking for something to do whilst you munch your munchies? Here are a few ideas to take you from:
Favorite Things To Do When Bored:
* drive with nearly my entire left leg out the window (thanks ballet training!) and the Moby blasting. be wary of cops though. Cops don't like Moby.
* bake enormous amounts of cookies, eat two, then try to pawn them off on my friends.
* go to bing.com and search for images labeled "random" to get inspiration. end up gawking at the dude in the 12 inch spiked heels and the football pads.
* attempt to bake cornbread correctly. and fail.
* find new ways to multitask. lately it's doing hip thrust butt squeezes on my bed while playing sudoku on my phone 'til my eyes bleed.
* carry my cat around the house upside down. he seems to enjoy it.
* drive around blasting my russian music so people will think i'm foreign and therefore Cool.
* rearrange things in the house so that i have to hunt them down like vermin the next time i'm in need of Vick's VapoRub or toothpicks.
* slather lotion on anything that moves in an attempt to use up the collection of bottles that i've been hoarding away.
* go to the gym, turn up the ipod, and lip-sync all the words to Spice Girls songs while you run. the heavy breathing from the physical exertion actually pumps sound from your pipes, so your treadmill mates get a free concert. bonus win for them/silver lining.
* if stated treadmill mates give you grief for your impromptu concert, feel free to shake out your sweaty lycra pants on them. don't worry about the logistics of shaking out one's sweaty pants on someone else; just make it happen.
* Every time someone calls you that day, pretend to work at Burger King and take their order. Insist that they pull around to the second window.
* finding new ways to be a good party guest. i.e.: bring a few things from the fridge at your next holiday gathering. last one i went to i brought 3 slices of American Cheese, a ziploc baggie of scrambled eggs, a summer sausage, and a few fresh slices of tomahto. yes. you say tomayto, and i indeed say tomahto.
try these out the next time you get bored or find yourself with way too much time on your hands.
it makes for good stories to tell your kids.
or anecdotes to tell your new cell mate...
Old Yeller, Most Accurate Fairy Tale Ever.
i'm always searching for the perfect tattoo... and i think i've found it:
the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.
they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.
it infuriates me.
why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore? i do.
i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.
it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.
i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.
i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?
who knows.
my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.
in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck. Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life.
they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.
things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.
it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks.
ha, rhyme.
i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup.
maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.
i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips. writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.
Things That Are Awful or Awesome:
1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.
2) haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.
3) this week. AWFUL.
4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.
5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears, Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.
6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.
7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.
8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.
9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.
10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.
that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.
i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.
i'm not.
the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.
they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.
it infuriates me.
why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore? i do.
i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.
it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.
i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.
i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?
who knows.
my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.
in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck. Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life.
they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.
things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.
it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks.
ha, rhyme.
i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup.
maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.
i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips. writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.
Things That Are Awful or Awesome:
1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.
2) haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.
3) this week. AWFUL.
4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.
5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears, Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.
6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.
7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.
8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.
9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.
10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.
that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.
i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.
i'm not.
Monday, April 11, 2011
in all honesty i'm just jealous. *EXPLICIT*
i wish i could punch strippers in the face.
or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.
sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.
i HATE the stripping "profession".
i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world. i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....
and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.
it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.
how can i compete?
now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;
Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!
to this I say:
BullFuckingShit.
of course i do.
when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.
when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.
the fuck do i have to do.
i don't think there's anything i can do.
except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.
i'd NEVER do that to another woman's man.
what a sick world i live in.
or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.
sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.
i HATE the stripping "profession".
i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world. i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....
and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.
it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.
how can i compete?
now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;
Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!
to this I say:
BullFuckingShit.
of course i do.
when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.
when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.
the fuck do i have to do.
i don't think there's anything i can do.
except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.
i'd NEVER do that to another woman's man.
what a sick world i live in.
Thursday, April 7, 2011
If i could cash in silver linings i would be rich
there's something to be said for silver linings. added bonuses. extra wins.
however you want to label it.
it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.
1) I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.
2) I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know.
3) This dude's meals from now on will all taste like lighter fluid. And he will never again be able to slurp him some soup. But at least he'll always know where his lighter is when it's late at night and the Arson Compulsion starts to rear it's crackling head...
4) He may have lost his fingers, hand, and wrist in that fateful ribbon-cutting-ceremony freak accident, but at least he didn't lose his sense of humor. A giant toe. It must have been his facetious response to his buddies' drunken cheers of "walk it off, dude!"
5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.
Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:
1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.
2) Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.
3) Jellyfish: definitely awful. and reason number 4 of Why I Don't Go In The Water.
4) Dogbird: Awesome. also, want. Not only is it a delicious alternative to chicken, but when you shoot down one of it's buddies, it will help you find it by flapping over and pointing to it with it's sweet little puppy nose.
5) Sexy Black Swan inspired back tattoo. Also Awesome. and i would TOTALLY get it done if tattoos weren't so darn permanent.
6) Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.
7) Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.
8) Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...
9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich. Awesome.
10) Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.
Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.
however you want to label it.
it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.
1) I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.
2) I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know.
5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.
Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:
1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.
2) Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.
6) Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.
7) Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.
8) Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...
9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich. Awesome.
10) Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.
Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.
Monday, April 4, 2011
after ten years...
i'm a wild and out-there kinda gal, in case y'all hadn't already figured it out; so i feel like this hairstyle adequately pinpoints the finer aspects of my bubbly personality.
i've got quite a bit of Bailey's in me so this is proving to be more difficult than i anticipated so i think i'll just wrap this up.
no earth shattering news, no off the walls banter. just an update into how awesome i continually am.
also, i'm getting mah sexy back. went to the mall and totally got some smiles/stares. in a GOOD way, at that.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) If i could spend all my (our) money at Victoria's Secret I would. stay posted for pics of me in the VS gear that i bought today. expect it later this month.
2) Coffee + alcohol = emergency trip to visit the loo.
3) Now that my "health scare" is over i should probably stop self-medicating with homemade chocolate chip cookies and get my increasingly jiggly ass to the gym.
4) i am in need of more Booty Shakin' Sweat Drippin' gym music.
5) having a vagina isn't all Hollywood and Glamour like people would have you believe.
6) i can't wait for HBO's take on the Song of Fire and Ice series... time ta get mah Nerd on.
7) i feel sooooo much sexier now that i have pink and teal hair. something about having cotton candy hair makes me feel like a Goddess of Temptation. now if i could only fit into my skinny skinny jeans...
8) it dawned on me today that i only have 2 more months left in Georgia until i'll be whisked away to Maryland. I'm excited to leave, but i'm really going to miss the incredible people that i've met here. Carina, Kristy; i think i'll miss you two most of all.
9) All you kids in Austin with guns need to calm the f*ck down. i have many many friends in that beautiful city and i need all of them to stay very much alive. kthnxbai.
10) i typed "random" into the images search on bing.com and out of all the pictures that popped up; these two are my favorites. Leave a comment and let me know which one you vote for.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
everyone's got problems
mine just seem to want to eat me.
which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.
where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?
why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".
i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.
where did i go wrong? why am i not enough?
i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.
so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son.
it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep.
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
it's funny how i feel so much
but cannot say a word.
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.
which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.
where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?
why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".
i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.
where did i go wrong? why am i not enough?
i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.
so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son.
it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep.
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
it's funny how i feel so much
but cannot say a word.
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!
here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.
Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.
Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.
Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"
Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.
Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.
Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.
Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.
Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.
what else what else....
OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.
the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."
They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.
Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E C-A-N D-O I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.
and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.
2. I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.
3. I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.
4. i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.
toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.
Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.
Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.
Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"
Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.
Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.
Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.
Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.
Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.
what else what else....
OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.
the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."
They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.
Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E C-A-N D-O I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.
and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.
2. I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.
3. I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.
4. i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.
toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.
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