Old Yeller, Most Accurate Fairy Tale Ever.

i'm always searching for the perfect tattoo... and i think i've found it:

the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.

they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.

it infuriates me.

why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore?  i do.

i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.

it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.


i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.

i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?

who knows.


my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.


in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck.  Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life. 

they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.


things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.

it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks.

ha, rhyme.

i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup.

maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.


i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips.  writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.

Things That Are Awful or Awesome:

1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.

2)  haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.

3) this week. AWFUL.

4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.

5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears,  Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.

6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.

7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.

8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.

9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.

10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.

that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.

i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.

i'm not.

in all honesty i'm just jealous. *EXPLICIT*

i wish i could punch strippers in the face.

or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.

sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.

i HATE the stripping "profession".

i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world.  i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....

and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.

it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.

how can i compete?

now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;

Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!

to this I say:

BullFuckingShit.

of course i do.


when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.

when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.


the fuck do i have to do.


i don't think there's anything i can do.

except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.


i'd NEVER do that to another woman's man.


what a sick world i live in.

If i could cash in silver linings i would be rich

there's something to be said for silver linings. added bonuses. extra wins.

however you want to label it.

it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.

1)  I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.

2)  I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know.

3)  This dude's meals from now on will all taste like lighter fluid. And he will never again be able to slurp him some soup. But at least he'll always know where his lighter is when it's late at night and the Arson Compulsion starts to rear it's crackling head...

4) He may have lost his fingers, hand, and wrist in that fateful ribbon-cutting-ceremony freak accident, but at least he didn't lose his sense of humor. A giant toe. It must have been his facetious response to his buddies' drunken cheers of "walk it off, dude!"

5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.




Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:

1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.

2)  Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.

3)  Jellyfish: definitely awful. and reason number 4 of Why I Don't Go In The Water.

4)  Dogbird: Awesome. also, want. Not only is it a delicious alternative to chicken, but when you shoot down one of it's buddies, it will help you find it by flapping over and pointing to it with it's sweet little puppy nose.

5)  Sexy Black Swan inspired back tattoo. Also Awesome. and i would TOTALLY get it done if tattoos weren't so darn permanent.

6)  Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.

7)  Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.

8)  Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...

9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich.  Awesome.

10)  Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.


Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.

after ten years...

i finally did it. i went kah-razy with my hair. in case you can't tell, that's pastel bubble-gum pink on top/side with some bright teal on my left side and underneath. boom.

i'm a wild and out-there kinda gal, in case y'all hadn't already figured it out; so i feel like this hairstyle adequately pinpoints the finer aspects of my bubbly personality.

i've got quite  a bit of Bailey's in me so this is proving to be more difficult than i anticipated so i think i'll just wrap this up.


no earth shattering news, no off the walls banter. just an update into how awesome i continually am.

also, i'm getting mah sexy back. went to the mall and totally got some smiles/stares. in a GOOD way, at that.



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1)  If i could spend all my (our) money at Victoria's Secret I would. stay posted for pics of me in the VS gear that i bought today. expect it later this month.

2)  Coffee + alcohol = emergency trip to visit the loo.

3)  Now that my "health scare" is over i should probably stop self-medicating with homemade chocolate chip cookies and get my increasingly jiggly ass to the gym.

4) i am in need of more Booty Shakin' Sweat Drippin' gym music.

5)  having a vagina isn't all Hollywood and Glamour like people would have you believe.

6)  i can't wait for HBO's take on the Song of Fire and Ice series... time ta get mah Nerd on.

7)  i feel sooooo much sexier now that i have pink and teal hair. something about having cotton candy hair makes me feel like a Goddess of Temptation. now if i could only fit into my skinny skinny jeans...

8)  it dawned on me today that i only have 2 more months left in Georgia until i'll be whisked away to Maryland. I'm excited to leave, but i'm really going to miss the incredible people that i've met here. Carina, Kristy; i think i'll miss you two most of all.

9)  All you kids in Austin with guns need to calm the f*ck down. i have many many friends in that beautiful city and i need all of them to stay very much alive. kthnxbai.

10)  i typed "random" into the images search on bing.com and out of all the pictures that popped up; these two are my favorites. Leave a comment and let me know which one you vote for.

everyone's got problems

mine just seem to want to eat me.

which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.

where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?

why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".

i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.


where did i go wrong? why am i not enough?

i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.


so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son. 


it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.


i'm so tired but i can't sleep.
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
it's funny how i feel so much
but cannot say a word.
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.

good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!

here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.

Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.



Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.


Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"


Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.

Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.



Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.

Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.

Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.


what else what else....


OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.


the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."

They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.

Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E   C-A-N   D-O   I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.


and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.

Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.

2.  I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.

3.  I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.

4.  i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.



toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.

slow down, uterus.

it is way too early for morning sickness. i mean, i don't even know if my Eggo is Preggo or not, yet.

all i know is that for the last three days i've been very nauseated in the morning and sometimes into the afternoon.

i tried cutting out my morning coffee, still felt like barfing.
i tried cutting out my morning vitamins, still felt like blowing chunks.

so here are my guesses:

1. I have a stomach virus that somehow magically disappears in the afternoon.
2. I have been knocked up with some very eager sperm that is chomping at the bit to get my pregnancy hormones swirling and my breakfast twirling into the toilet.

i may have been knocked up twice, judging by how icky i've felt the last three days. perhaps i've been invaded by twins? time will tell.

The Countdown Until Krista Pees On A Stick:

Eleven days.

but i may cheat and have my blood drawn and tested when i take my WonderBoy Ronin in for his 1 Year appointment at the hospital.

it's so fun being a woman.


but i feel like there's a tad too much vomit and blood involved in having two X chromosomes.

that's just me.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. i need a new hobby. i finished all my sudoku books, i counted and rolled Mike's penny collection, and my toes are neatly pedicured. dot dot dot. now what? thumb twiddle. question mark.

2. it is decided that i enjoy typing out emoticons instead of making them. smiley face. winky face. kissy face. oh the joy.

3. had a Grilled Krista (without the pepperoni) at 9:30 and almost immediately regretted the decision to eat it.

4.  Ronin walked around Walmart today holding a kiwi. he was scared of it because it's furry, at first, but Mike touched it and held it out for him, and Ronin grabbed it and didn't let it go. he showed it to several ladies doing their grocery shopping, then spotted me and ran to me holding it out in front of him. we ended up buying it. i love my boy!

5. i need to start stretching more. that's it.


goodnight everyone.

winky face.

survey says...

so i decided to do one of those surveys that's floating out in cyber space.

i've got my headphones on, my itunes set to my current favorite songs (mostly from the Glee soundtracks, some Florence and The Machine, and i admit, a little Britney Spears), and one of my cats curled up at my feet.

it's go time.

Krista's Dumb Survey That I Found Floating About Wildly In CyberSpace:

1. What's your most favorite bumper sticker you've ever seen? It had 4 deformed smiley faces on it and it read "Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music".  Kristen Rains knows what I'm talking about. We were 14ish and it was about the funniest thing we'd ever seen. I have yet to see one that tops it in both shock value and mirth.

2. Do you sing in the shower? Often and Poorly. Also I hold conversations with myself. I have to. If i get too bored i end up just standing there letting the water roll over me as i fall deeper and deeper into a vegetative state. that's how zombies are REALLY created.

3. Are you guilty of showing to much PDA? Don't be ridiculous. I hug and kiss and tiny-hump with reckless abandon. Why, just tonight i groped my husbands man-boobs quite vehemently at a Going Away/Get Together/Barbeque at a friend's house. I have no shame. Life is too short to be embarassed about cupping your husbands junk in public. Not that I do. Well, not that often anyways.

4. What's the best smell in the world?  My little baby boy after he's had Bathtime. He's all full of joy and reeks of Johnson's baby detergent or whatever it's called and it's just magical. Love my boy.

5. Which of your current friends have you known the longest? oh sheesh. um.... That'd be my JESSICA!!!she's about as goofy as i am, and that's what makes her a rock star.

6. Do you say Ca-RI-bbean or Carib-BE-an? RI. what a stupid question. who screens these?

7. Do you drip-dry after a shower/bath? No. i am not a dog. nor am i a wildebeest. also, i am not a child, raised by wolves, living amongst the lush flora of the tropics. i have a humongous bath SHEET, not towel, that i wrap around and around my person upon exiting the Cleansing Portal.

8. For toilet paper: Do you wad or fold it before use? I believe that we should Hybrid-itize everything. Therefore, i do both. i also charge my toilet paper, as well as fill it with premium gasoline. it's all about taking those baby steps towards a greener lifestyle.

9. What's the best animal to sing about in Old McDonald? WOMBATS. hands down. without a doubt. it just gets a tad tricky when you get to the part where you have to sing about the sound they make.... They definitely do not say "wombat wombat" as i have been informed.  i still hold that they might. it's not impossible; therefore it should not be discounted.  I'm not about to label wombats as lesser creatures that can't even say their own names.

10. If you could paint your room any way you want it, what would it look like? it would look like the inside of Candy Mountain. Complete with lickable paint. The Schnauzberries taste like Schnauzberries.

11. Have you ever flipped off your mother or father? never. I do not want to die.

12. Which of your closest friends would be easiest to date?  oh. um.... sheesh. uh.... MY HUSBAND!!!!! again, stupid question. i WILL smack you upside da hed.

13. Which of your closest friends would be hardest to date? ugh. this survey was clearly manufactured for 13 year olds. no offense to any 13 year old readers that i might possibly have out there in InterwebLand.

14. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear?  Absolutely i do. they're white (because white is my favorite...shade... to wear) and they have lace and little bows on the hips and say stuff all over them. i'd write what they say, but i can't remember and my Naughties Drawer is all the way over there and my bed is sooo comfy....

15. If so, what do they look like? oh. oops. um, let's just say you didn't skip number 14 because you were bored to thick, bloody tears.

16. Do you always use your turn signal? yes. so much in fact that i am becoming that Old Inept Woman Driver that leaves her turn signal on as she drives down the road, under the speed limit, not turning or having any intention to turn.

17. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? ooh. i have actually. maybe... 4 years ago? i'd never played before and i wanted to check it off of my bucket list. it got a little weird. we had the rule that the bottle landed where it landed, and you had to kiss the person it landed on, even if it was same sex. and there had to be tongue. and it had to be at least 3 seconds. oddly enough, the guys attacked it with gusto when it landed on another guy. it's always more fun when everyone commits, i suppose. winky smiley face.

18. Have you ever dated someone that your closest friend didn't approve of? dude, who cares.

19. Can you do a cartwheel? Hell yeah I can do a cartwheel. What kind of un-American theiving thug bunny-killer do you think i am? Of course i can do a f*cking cartwheel.

20. What time is it?  it always is and forever will be Hammer Time. Can't touch this. I'm too legit.

21. Do you ever check surveys for correct spelling and grammar? Life is also too short to worry about spelling and grammar when you're posting a survey just for shytes and giggles on your blog page that you keep up to entertain, and not make millions of dollars from. Also Capitalization. i'll make big letters when i FEEL like making big letters.

22. Did it bother you I ended a question with a preposition? Screw you and your preposition. though i admit that at first my brain read the word "proposition" and that i was puzzled for a moment thinking "hey,.... i didn't see any proposition..."

23. Do you know what a preposition is? A preposition is where you get too damn lazy to think of another thought provoking question so you start lecturing us all on parts of speech with a "holier than thou" attitude that is not appreciated and will no longer be tolerated. I'm going to find your house and write the word FART on all of your windows with superglue and gummy bears. you're welcome for the Permanent Delicious Treat.

24. Type of internet connection? i have one. why does it matter. doesn't just about everyone have cable these days? does anyone still dial up? leave me a comment if you do and i will send you a check so that you can have normal interwebs like the rest of us, you poor dears.

25. Did you ever play in boxes as a kid?  YES!!! we cut out windows and hung Fabric Scrap Curtains and drew furniture on the inner walls in chalk and just had the best time. screw these thousand dollar playhouses kids have nowadays. cardboard boxes are the shit.

26. Do you know anyone who doesn't like chocolate? my poor future sister in law Crystal. she's allergic. i weep for all that she's missing. although, she's hella skinnier than i am. so maybe i should find some Chocolate Death Allergic pills and get me some I-May-Die-If-I-Eat-This-Cheesecake in me.

27. What's the longest time you've gone without shaving your legs? let's see.... how many months was i pregnant and alone because my hubby was deployed overseas? that's right. enough to make my Razor try to dive into the toilet to avoid the Shear Terror (pun!) that was sure to ensue when i finally decided that the nurses at the hospital would probably not appreciate having to run their fingers through my leg-hair while delivering my child.

28. Which finger is your favorite?  -- i confess i made up this question. the other one was intolerable. let's see. favorite finger. gonna have to say my left thumb. it's proportionally my slimmest digit, and i broke it when i was 9 and it clicks and sticks now. it's special. we're friends. *tiny finger embrace*

29. Have you ever said something because you thought it was funny, but right after you say it you wish you hadn't? yes, but i usually follow it up with "wow this humble pie is delicious" or "i need some toast for this toe jam that i have stuck between my teeth as a result of having shoved my entire foot into my oral cavity". and that cancels out my audible faux pax and gets me off the hook. win.

30. What does subpoena mean? it means that i am also going to super glue my fingernail clipping from the last year to your bedroom floor. congratulations. Nail Clippings Carpet. enjoy.

31. Did you think about going to dictionary.com to look it up? i thought about also adding ketchup to your shower head so that you get a nice surprise tomorrow when you get in the shower to wash off your daily amassing of Stupid and Shame.

32. When was your last date? PreValentine's day, which is when the CUSTERS properly celebrate love and togetherness. but that's another story for another day. or maybe not. it gets a little icky. Mike know's what i'm talking about. there was definitely vomit involved. and duck pancakes. i'm serious. duck pancakes.

33. How many MySpace friends do you have? haha, zero. not even Tom wants to be my friend. but i do have 450 friends on Facebook. feel free to find and add me, readers. smiley face. i'd love to have you!

34. Have you ever peed in the shower? yes. as Nemo said, all drains lead to the ocean. so... actually no, then. because technically i'm peeing in the ocean. and they thought BP was the one killing plankton or whatever it was. Algae? who cares. i'm over it. on to the next disaster.

35. Can you count to 20 in Spanish? claro que si. y yo soy una Chola, y te voy a matar. so there.

36. Anything really odd turn you on? when i walk around in a little undershirt and my Cheeky Power Undies. it makes me feel sexy. which is saying something because mostly i just feel like a gelatenous blob of eww.

37. How do you hold the steering wheel when you're driving? 10 and 2. because i am an adult.

38. How would you describe your high school experience in exactly 5 words? Dancing concerts eat discovery unicorns. whew. Go ME!!!

39. Is Alex Trebek the smartest man alive? negative. my Daddy is!!

40. What celebrity do you look most like? I've heard Meryl Streep. you decide:

41. How often do you change your MySpace song? about as often as i play my records or put on my poodle skirt.
42. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4. which i know is kind of scant for a woman. i need some sandals...

43. Are your earlobes attached or unattached? swinging so fancy free....

44. Did you just touch an ear to check? ugh. yes. you got me. is this survey over yet? i don't think i'll ever do this again.

45. Which is grosser: finger hair or toe hair? toe hair most definitely. it incubates all day in sweaty feet juices which adds to the repulsion. although finger hair is also far from sexy. SHAVE YOUR HANDS, ROBERT PATTINSON. no one wants to see your gorilla knuckles caressing ANYONE.

46. What time is it now? Hammer Time. don't make me tell you again.

47. How much ice do you put in your drinks? none. i have no patience for ice. it's never on my side. it blocks the flow of liquid from entering my mouth, and then it gangs up on me and jumps me when i'm not expecting it at the end of my drinking experience.

48. How often do you floss? maybe once a week. i'm a model citizen.

49. Does lip gloss really "pop?" Once when i was 12 i wrote "no body likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll just go home and commit suicide" on my desk because i was tired of being teased and crying every day, and the next day the teacher called me up to her desk and yelled at me for it. which did not help things. bottom line; if you run across a child writing or saying things like that, MAYBE you should take it SERIOUSLY. maybe they'd have less mental issues as adults and they wouldn't feel the urge to vomit everytime after they ate.

50. Do you watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials? guilty. unless the Broncos are playing. the Texans will get there eventually. i firmly believe in Texas football. except the stupid cowboys.

51. Do you know anyone who is Canadian? MYYYYY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if she's not... then... she wants to be? i dunno. I'm sorry Shelly, i've wanted to give you a shout-out this whole survey and we got to this one and you were the first person i thought of!! Love ya! and thanks for the idea to do a survey. i'm having fun! and hopefully my readers are too...

52. Do you have a farmer's tan? HA!! no. i have Mama's tan. which is NO tan. not even old tan lines. it's been almost 2 years since i've been outside to sunbathe. sigh. i'd call my color "eggshell white".

53. Do you like licking the sticky part of the envelope? only if it's sweet. but i've switched to tape. i'm afraid of anthrax. yes. still.

54. Which foot hits the floor first when you get out of bed? the tired one.

55. Who was the US's only bachelor President? Obama!! oh, you didn't say Frat Boy? sorry. my bad. shouldn't just skim over the questions before i answer them.

56. What's your favorite Tom Hanks movie? i like the one where he plays a hunter/gatherer hippie that develops multiple personality disorder and then travels to the future where his woman is married to someone else and life sucks all the way around. i think it was called "WILLLLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!".
 
 
 
well, i hope y'all enjoyed that. i'm going to go downstairs and saw off my left leg because it's just about to murder me with pain until i die from it. also i'm thirsty. leave comments!
 
and get to sleep yourselves. President's day only comes once a year, after all.

Merrily Moving to Maryland

i had a lot of things in mind to write about when i sat down a few minutes ago, but now that i'm trying to get it all typed out i feel like i've been lobotomized.

i tried for a few posts to write with correct grammer and punctuation and junk, but all that attention to detail is just exhausting, and i don't have the patience or the energy.

what i DO have the energy for, however, is rockin' my body to old-school N*Sync and Backstreet boys today. maybe some B-Spears.  the show Glee needs to do a boy-band episode. and i'm not talking dumbass bieber or jonas brothers.  i wanna see some authentic New Kids On The Block. i wanna shake my Right Stuff as they sing about it.  they did a Britney episode.... where is my Justin Timberlake? i guess they just need to hire me and pick my brain for music selections.

in other news; i told myself that i'd wait until i hit 130 lbs before i dyed my hair again, but here i am at 136 with freshly dyed hair. the box says it's "light ash brown". it promises that its beige tones will "subdue red or orange tones" so here's hoping that when it dries it will look better, because right now it's lookin' a hot mess and it's terrifying.

i decided to jump the proverbial gun with my hair because i figure that any day now i'll be knocked up, and "they" frown upon copious amounts of chemicals in/on/around the body in the first trimester. and i don't want to have a freak offspring.

Big News: The Flexible One is moving to Maryland. i repeat; Maryland. what.... is in.... Maryland. if i'm not mistaken it's a teensy tiny state that can be driven across in a matter of 3 hours or so. sigh. someday i'll be living in a state that takes DAYS to drive across again. someday. i think i'll do some research to see what MD has to offer me in the way of merriment and entertainment. the only point of reference i have for that state is an odd girl that transferred to my elementary school in 4th grade or so named Jade. and for a 4th grader, she was an awfully practiced habitual liar. hopefully she was just one of a kind and the rest of the Marylanders (as i assume they are called) are decent individuals.

i've decided that i need to be more neighborly. i made some chocolate fudge cupcakes with fresh vanilla cream cheese frosting from scratch a week ago to give to our new neighbors two doors down. yesterday i saw more new neighbors moving into the townhome three doors down. and as soon as Mike and the WonderBoy wake up, i figure i'll throw on a decent outfit and take over a plate of the double chocolate chunk cookies that i made last night over there. hehe. don't you wish you were my neighbor? my next neighbors better watch out; i'm bringin' the baked goods. their waistlines are 'bout to explode.

gotta make myself feel skinnier somehow.

speaking of which, i'm wriggling into my pre-pregnancy jeans more easily these days. i put them on yesterday and i didn't even have to spray my theighs down with Pam to help them slide on. my poor belt, though. it was working it'sself to the bone yesterday.  also, several times after bending down to scoop up the Super Baby i had to check to make sure that my chubby cheeks hadn't ripped through the seat of my distressed pants.

in other news; i'm fairly sure that i'm probably definitely already pregnant. i'm still crying every day over songs that i hear, and i'm all emotional and junk. hmm. i'll keep y'all posted on the Spawn-o-meter. i'm clocking in at a rating of Hormonal-yet-too-early-to-pee-on-a-stick. at tepid 4.5 on the Knocked Uppometer.


i just stretched to the side to pop my back and started blacking out. let's go get a drink of water....


My Favorite Things Today:

1) Loose pants. my legs and ass are tired from being so tightly confined in size 3 jeans all day yesterday when they've been conditioned to live in a nice, comfy, roomy size 6.

2) My boys, of course. and let's pretend that i put this as number 1. i'd go back and change it but i'm just so lazy today.

3) i got Mike something pretty neat for Valentine's day. which we are celebrating early, tomorrow. he might think it's dumb, but i got a pretty good kick out of it. more to follow.

4) Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way. it's empowering; i don't care who you are, how you live, who you love, it's an anthem for being true to yourself and loving who you are. give it a listen: http://www.ladygaga.com/bornthisway/?utm_source=GagaFBv2&utm_medium=Link&utm_campaign=BTWSingle

5) i finally found (thanks to Mike) a song that sings about cake. it's the song in the credits for a game called Portal. i am determined to learn it so i can sing it all the time to his chagrin. he will rue the day he tried to get me to play his stupid video games. muah hahahahaha!

6) i've discovered that instead of going out and buying one of those circular thera-bands to work out with, i can use one of these rubber-hairbands that slips off of my impossibly cone-shaped head. it works just as well and now i finally have a use for them.

7) Mike wants to name our next kid Teva if it's a girl. i love the name Esmerie and he hates it. i'm willing to concede to naming her Tevva Esmerie, if we spell it with two Vs.

8)  Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine.

9)  Suck-'Em-In-Extra-Skin/Fat-Support shirts. cuz even little ladies need some help in the tummy department after losing 66 pounds.

10) Dancing around the living room with wild abandon to upbeat songs that you went through puberty to.



leave me some love, y'all. and enjoy yourselves.

"no matter gay, straight, or bi, transgendered life, you're on the right track baby; you were born this way!"

give yourself a hug, and know that at the end of the day, you are MORE than enough.

Bastard Mini-blinds had it comin'

I'm becoming more and more like my husband every day.

Today I broke nay, shattered, the second set of mini-blinds in our apartment within two weeks. The first set i sic'd the vacuum on. This set I took out with sheer brute force. I guess I just felt like flexing The Hounds otherwise known as my beastly forearms. Anyway. They had it coming.

Kept giving me the stank eye.


Internet scammers are stupid.

I put up a post on Craigslist in hopes of selling the $6,400 dollar diamond ring that I got stuck paying for 4 years ago, and the only responses I've gotten have been from dumbasses that are trying to get one over on me.

Since WHEN do WOMEN offer to buy a ring advertised for $5000 MORE than the asking price for a "dear friend", and need it shipped overseas, and they always ask for my PayPal account and never give a shipping address. Dumb. Just how stupid do you have to be to get suckered into getting your money stolen on the interwebs...

I just wish someone that was ACTUALLY interested in buying the ring would email me.


anywho.

I dunno. I thought about doing a full-out post, but I'm just too tired. My Perfect Darling Angel Child had a hard day today which translates to me holding him most of the day so I'm bushed.

Like two birds.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.) The superbowl is stupid. I miss football. Actual. Football. College ball. High School ball. I miss when it was exciting and junk and not about over-the-top pageantry and commercials and commentary. Blood, sweat, and that Hometown feeling. sigh.

2.) Forget pet brushes; my run-of-the-mill hair comb works better for taming my little lions' fur.

3.) Today Ronin got to be Spock. He hurt his little fingers and the way I bandaged them up made him look like he was telling people to "live long and prosper" all day.

4.) Two people told me that I look skinny today. And they're not related to me. Win.

5.) I ate healthy food at the superbowl party today. By default. Ronin wanted to play with the veggies, but he wouldn't eat them; he instead put them in my mouth and laughed while I ate them. Then he stole the fried mozzarella cheese stick out of my hand and ate it before I could get more than one bite in. What a sweet boy, helping mama stay skinny.

6.) Damn that Kardashian woman and her impossibly perky perfect body. No one can live up to that physical standard. Well, no one who's name is Krista Custer who's had a kid and whose skin is riddled with deep purple stretch marks. Did I just make you throw up a little bit?

7.) I've decided, after watching it non-stop this Saturday, that I am officially a Gleek and will be watching the show for the forseeable future.

8.) I think I'm ready for menopause. Mood swings are one of God's cruelest jokes. That and the poor platypus. The kids at school must have really had a field day making fun of him.

9.) I wish my hair would grow faster. I wish it were more like that of a football player's hair; long, flowing, majestic.

10) It must be terrible to be a janitor that works after the superbowl ends. All that confetti. All that glitter. All that spilled beer. All that puke...