mine just seem to want to eat me.
which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.
where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?
why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".
i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.
where did i go wrong? why am i not enough?
i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.
so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son.
it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.
i'm so tired but i can't sleep.
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
it's funny how i feel so much
but cannot say a word.
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!
here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.
Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.
Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.
Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"
Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.
Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.
Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.
Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.
Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.
what else what else....
OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.
the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."
They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.
Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E C-A-N D-O I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.
and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.
2. I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.
3. I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.
4. i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.
toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.
Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.
Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.
Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"
Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.
Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.
Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.
Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.
Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.
what else what else....
OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.
the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."
They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.
Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E C-A-N D-O I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.
and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.
2. I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.
3. I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.
4. i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.
toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.
Monday, February 21, 2011
slow down, uterus.
it is way too early for morning sickness. i mean, i don't even know if my Eggo is Preggo or not, yet.
all i know is that for the last three days i've been very nauseated in the morning and sometimes into the afternoon.
i tried cutting out my morning coffee, still felt like barfing.
i tried cutting out my morning vitamins, still felt like blowing chunks.
so here are my guesses:
1. I have a stomach virus that somehow magically disappears in the afternoon.
2. I have been knocked up with some very eager sperm that is chomping at the bit to get my pregnancy hormones swirling and my breakfast twirling into the toilet.
i may have been knocked up twice, judging by how icky i've felt the last three days. perhaps i've been invaded by twins? time will tell.
The Countdown Until Krista Pees On A Stick:
Eleven days.
but i may cheat and have my blood drawn and tested when i take my WonderBoy Ronin in for his 1 Year appointment at the hospital.
it's so fun being a woman.
but i feel like there's a tad too much vomit and blood involved in having two X chromosomes.
that's just me.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. i need a new hobby. i finished all my sudoku books, i counted and rolled Mike's penny collection, and my toes are neatly pedicured. dot dot dot. now what? thumb twiddle. question mark.
2. it is decided that i enjoy typing out emoticons instead of making them. smiley face. winky face. kissy face. oh the joy.
3. had a Grilled Krista (without the pepperoni) at 9:30 and almost immediately regretted the decision to eat it.
4. Ronin walked around Walmart today holding a kiwi. he was scared of it because it's furry, at first, but Mike touched it and held it out for him, and Ronin grabbed it and didn't let it go. he showed it to several ladies doing their grocery shopping, then spotted me and ran to me holding it out in front of him. we ended up buying it. i love my boy!
5. i need to start stretching more. that's it.
goodnight everyone.
winky face.
all i know is that for the last three days i've been very nauseated in the morning and sometimes into the afternoon.
i tried cutting out my morning coffee, still felt like barfing.
i tried cutting out my morning vitamins, still felt like blowing chunks.
so here are my guesses:
1. I have a stomach virus that somehow magically disappears in the afternoon.
2. I have been knocked up with some very eager sperm that is chomping at the bit to get my pregnancy hormones swirling and my breakfast twirling into the toilet.
i may have been knocked up twice, judging by how icky i've felt the last three days. perhaps i've been invaded by twins? time will tell.
The Countdown Until Krista Pees On A Stick:
Eleven days.
but i may cheat and have my blood drawn and tested when i take my WonderBoy Ronin in for his 1 Year appointment at the hospital.
it's so fun being a woman.
but i feel like there's a tad too much vomit and blood involved in having two X chromosomes.
that's just me.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. i need a new hobby. i finished all my sudoku books, i counted and rolled Mike's penny collection, and my toes are neatly pedicured. dot dot dot. now what? thumb twiddle. question mark.
2. it is decided that i enjoy typing out emoticons instead of making them. smiley face. winky face. kissy face. oh the joy.
3. had a Grilled Krista (without the pepperoni) at 9:30 and almost immediately regretted the decision to eat it.
4. Ronin walked around Walmart today holding a kiwi. he was scared of it because it's furry, at first, but Mike touched it and held it out for him, and Ronin grabbed it and didn't let it go. he showed it to several ladies doing their grocery shopping, then spotted me and ran to me holding it out in front of him. we ended up buying it. i love my boy!
5. i need to start stretching more. that's it.
goodnight everyone.
winky face.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
survey says...
so i decided to do one of those surveys that's floating out in cyber space.
i've got my headphones on, my itunes set to my current favorite songs (mostly from the Glee soundtracks, some Florence and The Machine, and i admit, a little Britney Spears), and one of my cats curled up at my feet.
it's go time.
Krista's Dumb Survey That I Found Floating About Wildly In CyberSpace:
1. What's your most favorite bumper sticker you've ever seen? It had 4 deformed smiley faces on it and it read "Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music". Kristen Rains knows what I'm talking about. We were 14ish and it was about the funniest thing we'd ever seen. I have yet to see one that tops it in both shock value and mirth.
2. Do you sing in the shower? Often and Poorly. Also I hold conversations with myself. I have to. If i get too bored i end up just standing there letting the water roll over me as i fall deeper and deeper into a vegetative state. that's how zombies are REALLY created.
3. Are you guilty of showing to much PDA? Don't be ridiculous. I hug and kiss and tiny-hump with reckless abandon. Why, just tonight i groped my husbands man-boobs quite vehemently at a Going Away/Get Together/Barbeque at a friend's house. I have no shame. Life is too short to be embarassed about cupping your husbands junk in public. Not that I do. Well, not that often anyways.
4. What's the best smell in the world? My little baby boy after he's had Bathtime. He's all full of joy and reeks of Johnson's baby detergent or whatever it's called and it's just magical. Love my boy.
5. Which of your current friends have you known the longest? oh sheesh. um.... That'd be my JESSICA!!!she's about as goofy as i am, and that's what makes her a rock star.
6. Do you say Ca-RI-bbean or Carib-BE-an? RI. what a stupid question. who screens these?
7. Do you drip-dry after a shower/bath? No. i am not a dog. nor am i a wildebeest. also, i am not a child, raised by wolves, living amongst the lush flora of the tropics. i have a humongous bath SHEET, not towel, that i wrap around and around my person upon exiting the Cleansing Portal.
8. For toilet paper: Do you wad or fold it before use? I believe that we should Hybrid-itize everything. Therefore, i do both. i also charge my toilet paper, as well as fill it with premium gasoline. it's all about taking those baby steps towards a greener lifestyle.
9. What's the best animal to sing about in Old McDonald? WOMBATS. hands down. without a doubt. it just gets a tad tricky when you get to the part where you have to sing about the sound they make.... They definitely do not say "wombat wombat" as i have been informed. i still hold that they might. it's not impossible; therefore it should not be discounted. I'm not about to label wombats as lesser creatures that can't even say their own names.
10. If you could paint your room any way you want it, what would it look like? it would look like the inside of Candy Mountain. Complete with lickable paint. The Schnauzberries taste like Schnauzberries.
11. Have you ever flipped off your mother or father? never. I do not want to die.
12. Which of your closest friends would be easiest to date? oh. um.... sheesh. uh.... MY HUSBAND!!!!! again, stupid question. i WILL smack you upside da hed.
13. Which of your closest friends would be hardest to date? ugh. this survey was clearly manufactured for 13 year olds. no offense to any 13 year old readers that i might possibly have out there in InterwebLand.
14. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear? Absolutely i do. they're white (because white is my favorite...shade... to wear) and they have lace and little bows on the hips and say stuff all over them. i'd write what they say, but i can't remember and my Naughties Drawer is all the way over there and my bed is sooo comfy....
15. If so, what do they look like? oh. oops. um, let's just say you didn't skip number 14 because you were bored to thick, bloody tears.
16. Do you always use your turn signal? yes. so much in fact that i am becoming that Old Inept Woman Driver that leaves her turn signal on as she drives down the road, under the speed limit, not turning or having any intention to turn.
17. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? ooh. i have actually. maybe... 4 years ago? i'd never played before and i wanted to check it off of my bucket list. it got a little weird. we had the rule that the bottle landed where it landed, and you had to kiss the person it landed on, even if it was same sex. and there had to be tongue. and it had to be at least 3 seconds. oddly enough, the guys attacked it with gusto when it landed on another guy. it's always more fun when everyone commits, i suppose. winky smiley face.
18. Have you ever dated someone that your closest friend didn't approve of? dude, who cares.
19. Can you do a cartwheel? Hell yeah I can do a cartwheel. What kind of un-American theiving thug bunny-killer do you think i am? Of course i can do a f*cking cartwheel.
20. What time is it? it always is and forever will be Hammer Time. Can't touch this. I'm too legit.
21. Do you ever check surveys for correct spelling and grammar? Life is also too short to worry about spelling and grammar when you're posting a survey just for shytes and giggles on your blog page that you keep up to entertain, and not make millions of dollars from. Also Capitalization. i'll make big letters when i FEEL like making big letters.
22. Did it bother you I ended a question with a preposition? Screw you and your preposition. though i admit that at first my brain read the word "proposition" and that i was puzzled for a moment thinking "hey,.... i didn't see any proposition..."
23. Do you know what a preposition is? A preposition is where you get too damn lazy to think of another thought provoking question so you start lecturing us all on parts of speech with a "holier than thou" attitude that is not appreciated and will no longer be tolerated. I'm going to find your house and write the word FART on all of your windows with superglue and gummy bears. you're welcome for the Permanent Delicious Treat.
24. Type of internet connection? i have one. why does it matter. doesn't just about everyone have cable these days? does anyone still dial up? leave me a comment if you do and i will send you a check so that you can have normal interwebs like the rest of us, you poor dears.
25. Did you ever play in boxes as a kid? YES!!! we cut out windows and hung Fabric Scrap Curtains and drew furniture on the inner walls in chalk and just had the best time. screw these thousand dollar playhouses kids have nowadays. cardboard boxes are the shit.
26. Do you know anyone who doesn't like chocolate? my poor future sister in law Crystal. she's allergic. i weep for all that she's missing. although, she's hella skinnier than i am. so maybe i should find some Chocolate Death Allergic pills and get me some I-May-Die-If-I-Eat-This-Cheesecake in me.
27. What's the longest time you've gone without shaving your legs? let's see.... how many months was i pregnant and alone because my hubby was deployed overseas? that's right. enough to make my Razor try to dive into the toilet to avoid the Shear Terror (pun!) that was sure to ensue when i finally decided that the nurses at the hospital would probably not appreciate having to run their fingers through my leg-hair while delivering my child.
28. Which finger is your favorite? -- i confess i made up this question. the other one was intolerable. let's see. favorite finger. gonna have to say my left thumb. it's proportionally my slimmest digit, and i broke it when i was 9 and it clicks and sticks now. it's special. we're friends. *tiny finger embrace*
29. Have you ever said something because you thought it was funny, but right after you say it you wish you hadn't? yes, but i usually follow it up with "wow this humble pie is delicious" or "i need some toast for this toe jam that i have stuck between my teeth as a result of having shoved my entire foot into my oral cavity". and that cancels out my audible faux pax and gets me off the hook. win.
30. What does subpoena mean? it means that i am also going to super glue my fingernail clipping from the last year to your bedroom floor. congratulations. Nail Clippings Carpet. enjoy.
31. Did you think about going to dictionary.com to look it up? i thought about also adding ketchup to your shower head so that you get a nice surprise tomorrow when you get in the shower to wash off your daily amassing of Stupid and Shame.
32. When was your last date? PreValentine's day, which is when the CUSTERS properly celebrate love and togetherness. but that's another story for another day. or maybe not. it gets a little icky. Mike know's what i'm talking about. there was definitely vomit involved. and duck pancakes. i'm serious. duck pancakes.
33. How many MySpace friends do you have? haha, zero. not even Tom wants to be my friend. but i do have 450 friends on Facebook. feel free to find and add me, readers. smiley face. i'd love to have you!
34. Have you ever peed in the shower? yes. as Nemo said, all drains lead to the ocean. so... actually no, then. because technically i'm peeing in the ocean. and they thought BP was the one killing plankton or whatever it was. Algae? who cares. i'm over it. on to the next disaster.
35. Can you count to 20 in Spanish? claro que si. y yo soy una Chola, y te voy a matar. so there.
36. Anything really odd turn you on? when i walk around in a little undershirt and my Cheeky Power Undies. it makes me feel sexy. which is saying something because mostly i just feel like a gelatenous blob of eww.
37. How do you hold the steering wheel when you're driving? 10 and 2. because i am an adult.
38. How would you describe your high school experience in exactly 5 words? Dancing concerts eat discovery unicorns. whew. Go ME!!!
39. Is Alex Trebek the smartest man alive? negative. my Daddy is!!
40. What celebrity do you look most like? I've heard Meryl Streep. you decide:
41. How often do you change your MySpace song? about as often as i play my records or put on my poodle skirt.
42. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4. which i know is kind of scant for a woman. i need some sandals...
43. Are your earlobes attached or unattached? swinging so fancy free....
44. Did you just touch an ear to check? ugh. yes. you got me. is this survey over yet? i don't think i'll ever do this again.
45. Which is grosser: finger hair or toe hair? toe hair most definitely. it incubates all day in sweaty feet juices which adds to the repulsion. although finger hair is also far from sexy. SHAVE YOUR HANDS, ROBERT PATTINSON. no one wants to see your gorilla knuckles caressing ANYONE.
46. What time is it now? Hammer Time. don't make me tell you again.
47. How much ice do you put in your drinks? none. i have no patience for ice. it's never on my side. it blocks the flow of liquid from entering my mouth, and then it gangs up on me and jumps me when i'm not expecting it at the end of my drinking experience.
48. How often do you floss? maybe once a week. i'm a model citizen.
49. Does lip gloss really "pop?" Once when i was 12 i wrote "no body likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll just go home and commit suicide" on my desk because i was tired of being teased and crying every day, and the next day the teacher called me up to her desk and yelled at me for it. which did not help things. bottom line; if you run across a child writing or saying things like that, MAYBE you should take it SERIOUSLY. maybe they'd have less mental issues as adults and they wouldn't feel the urge to vomit everytime after they ate.
50. Do you watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials? guilty. unless the Broncos are playing. the Texans will get there eventually. i firmly believe in Texas football. except the stupid cowboys.
51. Do you know anyone who is Canadian? MYYYYY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if she's not... then... she wants to be? i dunno. I'm sorry Shelly, i've wanted to give you a shout-out this whole survey and we got to this one and you were the first person i thought of!! Love ya! and thanks for the idea to do a survey. i'm having fun! and hopefully my readers are too...
52. Do you have a farmer's tan? HA!! no. i have Mama's tan. which is NO tan. not even old tan lines. it's been almost 2 years since i've been outside to sunbathe. sigh. i'd call my color "eggshell white".
53. Do you like licking the sticky part of the envelope? only if it's sweet. but i've switched to tape. i'm afraid of anthrax. yes. still.
54. Which foot hits the floor first when you get out of bed? the tired one.
55. Who was the US's only bachelor President? Obama!! oh, you didn't say Frat Boy? sorry. my bad. shouldn't just skim over the questions before i answer them.
56. What's your favorite Tom Hanks movie? i like the one where he plays a hunter/gatherer hippie that develops multiple personality disorder and then travels to the future where his woman is married to someone else and life sucks all the way around. i think it was called "WILLLLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!".
well, i hope y'all enjoyed that. i'm going to go downstairs and saw off my left leg because it's just about to murder me with pain until i die from it. also i'm thirsty. leave comments!
and get to sleep yourselves. President's day only comes once a year, after all.
i've got my headphones on, my itunes set to my current favorite songs (mostly from the Glee soundtracks, some Florence and The Machine, and i admit, a little Britney Spears), and one of my cats curled up at my feet.
it's go time.
Krista's Dumb Survey That I Found Floating About Wildly In CyberSpace:
1. What's your most favorite bumper sticker you've ever seen? It had 4 deformed smiley faces on it and it read "Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music". Kristen Rains knows what I'm talking about. We were 14ish and it was about the funniest thing we'd ever seen. I have yet to see one that tops it in both shock value and mirth.
2. Do you sing in the shower? Often and Poorly. Also I hold conversations with myself. I have to. If i get too bored i end up just standing there letting the water roll over me as i fall deeper and deeper into a vegetative state. that's how zombies are REALLY created.
3. Are you guilty of showing to much PDA? Don't be ridiculous. I hug and kiss and tiny-hump with reckless abandon. Why, just tonight i groped my husbands man-boobs quite vehemently at a Going Away/Get Together/Barbeque at a friend's house. I have no shame. Life is too short to be embarassed about cupping your husbands junk in public. Not that I do. Well, not that often anyways.
4. What's the best smell in the world? My little baby boy after he's had Bathtime. He's all full of joy and reeks of Johnson's baby detergent or whatever it's called and it's just magical. Love my boy.
5. Which of your current friends have you known the longest? oh sheesh. um.... That'd be my JESSICA!!!she's about as goofy as i am, and that's what makes her a rock star.
6. Do you say Ca-RI-bbean or Carib-BE-an? RI. what a stupid question. who screens these?
7. Do you drip-dry after a shower/bath? No. i am not a dog. nor am i a wildebeest. also, i am not a child, raised by wolves, living amongst the lush flora of the tropics. i have a humongous bath SHEET, not towel, that i wrap around and around my person upon exiting the Cleansing Portal.
8. For toilet paper: Do you wad or fold it before use? I believe that we should Hybrid-itize everything. Therefore, i do both. i also charge my toilet paper, as well as fill it with premium gasoline. it's all about taking those baby steps towards a greener lifestyle.
9. What's the best animal to sing about in Old McDonald? WOMBATS. hands down. without a doubt. it just gets a tad tricky when you get to the part where you have to sing about the sound they make.... They definitely do not say "wombat wombat" as i have been informed. i still hold that they might. it's not impossible; therefore it should not be discounted. I'm not about to label wombats as lesser creatures that can't even say their own names.
10. If you could paint your room any way you want it, what would it look like? it would look like the inside of Candy Mountain. Complete with lickable paint. The Schnauzberries taste like Schnauzberries.
11. Have you ever flipped off your mother or father? never. I do not want to die.
12. Which of your closest friends would be easiest to date? oh. um.... sheesh. uh.... MY HUSBAND!!!!! again, stupid question. i WILL smack you upside da hed.
13. Which of your closest friends would be hardest to date? ugh. this survey was clearly manufactured for 13 year olds. no offense to any 13 year old readers that i might possibly have out there in InterwebLand.
14. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear? Absolutely i do. they're white (because white is my favorite...shade... to wear) and they have lace and little bows on the hips and say stuff all over them. i'd write what they say, but i can't remember and my Naughties Drawer is all the way over there and my bed is sooo comfy....
15. If so, what do they look like? oh. oops. um, let's just say you didn't skip number 14 because you were bored to thick, bloody tears.
16. Do you always use your turn signal? yes. so much in fact that i am becoming that Old Inept Woman Driver that leaves her turn signal on as she drives down the road, under the speed limit, not turning or having any intention to turn.
17. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? ooh. i have actually. maybe... 4 years ago? i'd never played before and i wanted to check it off of my bucket list. it got a little weird. we had the rule that the bottle landed where it landed, and you had to kiss the person it landed on, even if it was same sex. and there had to be tongue. and it had to be at least 3 seconds. oddly enough, the guys attacked it with gusto when it landed on another guy. it's always more fun when everyone commits, i suppose. winky smiley face.
18. Have you ever dated someone that your closest friend didn't approve of? dude, who cares.
19. Can you do a cartwheel? Hell yeah I can do a cartwheel. What kind of un-American theiving thug bunny-killer do you think i am? Of course i can do a f*cking cartwheel.
20. What time is it? it always is and forever will be Hammer Time. Can't touch this. I'm too legit.
21. Do you ever check surveys for correct spelling and grammar? Life is also too short to worry about spelling and grammar when you're posting a survey just for shytes and giggles on your blog page that you keep up to entertain, and not make millions of dollars from. Also Capitalization. i'll make big letters when i FEEL like making big letters.
22. Did it bother you I ended a question with a preposition? Screw you and your preposition. though i admit that at first my brain read the word "proposition" and that i was puzzled for a moment thinking "hey,.... i didn't see any proposition..."
23. Do you know what a preposition is? A preposition is where you get too damn lazy to think of another thought provoking question so you start lecturing us all on parts of speech with a "holier than thou" attitude that is not appreciated and will no longer be tolerated. I'm going to find your house and write the word FART on all of your windows with superglue and gummy bears. you're welcome for the Permanent Delicious Treat.
24. Type of internet connection? i have one. why does it matter. doesn't just about everyone have cable these days? does anyone still dial up? leave me a comment if you do and i will send you a check so that you can have normal interwebs like the rest of us, you poor dears.
25. Did you ever play in boxes as a kid? YES!!! we cut out windows and hung Fabric Scrap Curtains and drew furniture on the inner walls in chalk and just had the best time. screw these thousand dollar playhouses kids have nowadays. cardboard boxes are the shit.
26. Do you know anyone who doesn't like chocolate? my poor future sister in law Crystal. she's allergic. i weep for all that she's missing. although, she's hella skinnier than i am. so maybe i should find some Chocolate Death Allergic pills and get me some I-May-Die-If-I-Eat-This-Cheesecake in me.
27. What's the longest time you've gone without shaving your legs? let's see.... how many months was i pregnant and alone because my hubby was deployed overseas? that's right. enough to make my Razor try to dive into the toilet to avoid the Shear Terror (pun!) that was sure to ensue when i finally decided that the nurses at the hospital would probably not appreciate having to run their fingers through my leg-hair while delivering my child.
28. Which finger is your favorite? -- i confess i made up this question. the other one was intolerable. let's see. favorite finger. gonna have to say my left thumb. it's proportionally my slimmest digit, and i broke it when i was 9 and it clicks and sticks now. it's special. we're friends. *tiny finger embrace*
29. Have you ever said something because you thought it was funny, but right after you say it you wish you hadn't? yes, but i usually follow it up with "wow this humble pie is delicious" or "i need some toast for this toe jam that i have stuck between my teeth as a result of having shoved my entire foot into my oral cavity". and that cancels out my audible faux pax and gets me off the hook. win.
30. What does subpoena mean? it means that i am also going to super glue my fingernail clipping from the last year to your bedroom floor. congratulations. Nail Clippings Carpet. enjoy.
31. Did you think about going to dictionary.com to look it up? i thought about also adding ketchup to your shower head so that you get a nice surprise tomorrow when you get in the shower to wash off your daily amassing of Stupid and Shame.
32. When was your last date? PreValentine's day, which is when the CUSTERS properly celebrate love and togetherness. but that's another story for another day. or maybe not. it gets a little icky. Mike know's what i'm talking about. there was definitely vomit involved. and duck pancakes. i'm serious. duck pancakes.
33. How many MySpace friends do you have? haha, zero. not even Tom wants to be my friend. but i do have 450 friends on Facebook. feel free to find and add me, readers. smiley face. i'd love to have you!
34. Have you ever peed in the shower? yes. as Nemo said, all drains lead to the ocean. so... actually no, then. because technically i'm peeing in the ocean. and they thought BP was the one killing plankton or whatever it was. Algae? who cares. i'm over it. on to the next disaster.
35. Can you count to 20 in Spanish? claro que si. y yo soy una Chola, y te voy a matar. so there.
36. Anything really odd turn you on? when i walk around in a little undershirt and my Cheeky Power Undies. it makes me feel sexy. which is saying something because mostly i just feel like a gelatenous blob of eww.
37. How do you hold the steering wheel when you're driving? 10 and 2. because i am an adult.
38. How would you describe your high school experience in exactly 5 words? Dancing concerts eat discovery unicorns. whew. Go ME!!!
39. Is Alex Trebek the smartest man alive? negative. my Daddy is!!
40. What celebrity do you look most like? I've heard Meryl Streep. you decide:
41. How often do you change your MySpace song? about as often as i play my records or put on my poodle skirt.
42. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4. which i know is kind of scant for a woman. i need some sandals...
43. Are your earlobes attached or unattached? swinging so fancy free....
44. Did you just touch an ear to check? ugh. yes. you got me. is this survey over yet? i don't think i'll ever do this again.
45. Which is grosser: finger hair or toe hair? toe hair most definitely. it incubates all day in sweaty feet juices which adds to the repulsion. although finger hair is also far from sexy. SHAVE YOUR HANDS, ROBERT PATTINSON. no one wants to see your gorilla knuckles caressing ANYONE.
46. What time is it now? Hammer Time. don't make me tell you again.
47. How much ice do you put in your drinks? none. i have no patience for ice. it's never on my side. it blocks the flow of liquid from entering my mouth, and then it gangs up on me and jumps me when i'm not expecting it at the end of my drinking experience.
48. How often do you floss? maybe once a week. i'm a model citizen.
49. Does lip gloss really "pop?" Once when i was 12 i wrote "no body likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll just go home and commit suicide" on my desk because i was tired of being teased and crying every day, and the next day the teacher called me up to her desk and yelled at me for it. which did not help things. bottom line; if you run across a child writing or saying things like that, MAYBE you should take it SERIOUSLY. maybe they'd have less mental issues as adults and they wouldn't feel the urge to vomit everytime after they ate.
50. Do you watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials? guilty. unless the Broncos are playing. the Texans will get there eventually. i firmly believe in Texas football. except the stupid cowboys.
51. Do you know anyone who is Canadian? MYYYYY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if she's not... then... she wants to be? i dunno. I'm sorry Shelly, i've wanted to give you a shout-out this whole survey and we got to this one and you were the first person i thought of!! Love ya! and thanks for the idea to do a survey. i'm having fun! and hopefully my readers are too...
52. Do you have a farmer's tan? HA!! no. i have Mama's tan. which is NO tan. not even old tan lines. it's been almost 2 years since i've been outside to sunbathe. sigh. i'd call my color "eggshell white".
53. Do you like licking the sticky part of the envelope? only if it's sweet. but i've switched to tape. i'm afraid of anthrax. yes. still.
54. Which foot hits the floor first when you get out of bed? the tired one.
55. Who was the US's only bachelor President? Obama!! oh, you didn't say Frat Boy? sorry. my bad. shouldn't just skim over the questions before i answer them.
56. What's your favorite Tom Hanks movie? i like the one where he plays a hunter/gatherer hippie that develops multiple personality disorder and then travels to the future where his woman is married to someone else and life sucks all the way around. i think it was called "WILLLLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!".
well, i hope y'all enjoyed that. i'm going to go downstairs and saw off my left leg because it's just about to murder me with pain until i die from it. also i'm thirsty. leave comments!
and get to sleep yourselves. President's day only comes once a year, after all.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Merrily Moving to Maryland
i had a lot of things in mind to write about when i sat down a few minutes ago, but now that i'm trying to get it all typed out i feel like i've been lobotomized.
i tried for a few posts to write with correct grammer and punctuation and junk, but all that attention to detail is just exhausting, and i don't have the patience or the energy.
what i DO have the energy for, however, is rockin' my body to old-school N*Sync and Backstreet boys today. maybe some B-Spears. the show Glee needs to do a boy-band episode. and i'm not talking dumbass bieber or jonas brothers. i wanna see some authentic New Kids On The Block. i wanna shake my Right Stuff as they sing about it. they did a Britney episode.... where is my Justin Timberlake? i guess they just need to hire me and pick my brain for music selections.
in other news; i told myself that i'd wait until i hit 130 lbs before i dyed my hair again, but here i am at 136 with freshly dyed hair. the box says it's "light ash brown". it promises that its beige tones will "subdue red or orange tones" so here's hoping that when it dries it will look better, because right now it's lookin' a hot mess and it's terrifying.
i decided to jump the proverbial gun with my hair because i figure that any day now i'll be knocked up, and "they" frown upon copious amounts of chemicals in/on/around the body in the first trimester. and i don't want to have a freak offspring.
Big News: The Flexible One is moving to Maryland. i repeat; Maryland. what.... is in.... Maryland. if i'm not mistaken it's a teensy tiny state that can be driven across in a matter of 3 hours or so. sigh. someday i'll be living in a state that takes DAYS to drive across again. someday. i think i'll do some research to see what MD has to offer me in the way of merriment and entertainment. the only point of reference i have for that state is an odd girl that transferred to my elementary school in 4th grade or so named Jade. and for a 4th grader, she was an awfully practiced habitual liar. hopefully she was just one of a kind and the rest of the Marylanders (as i assume they are called) are decent individuals.
i've decided that i need to be more neighborly. i made some chocolate fudge cupcakes with fresh vanilla cream cheese frosting from scratch a week ago to give to our new neighbors two doors down. yesterday i saw more new neighbors moving into the townhome three doors down. and as soon as Mike and the WonderBoy wake up, i figure i'll throw on a decent outfit and take over a plate of the double chocolate chunk cookies that i made last night over there. hehe. don't you wish you were my neighbor? my next neighbors better watch out; i'm bringin' the baked goods. their waistlines are 'bout to explode.
gotta make myself feel skinnier somehow.
speaking of which, i'm wriggling into my pre-pregnancy jeans more easily these days. i put them on yesterday and i didn't even have to spray my theighs down with Pam to help them slide on. my poor belt, though. it was working it'sself to the bone yesterday. also, several times after bending down to scoop up the Super Baby i had to check to make sure that my chubby cheeks hadn't ripped through the seat of my distressed pants.
in other news; i'm fairly sure that i'm probably definitely already pregnant. i'm still crying every day over songs that i hear, and i'm all emotional and junk. hmm. i'll keep y'all posted on the Spawn-o-meter. i'm clocking in at a rating of Hormonal-yet-too-early-to-pee-on-a-stick. at tepid 4.5 on the Knocked Uppometer.
i just stretched to the side to pop my back and started blacking out. let's go get a drink of water....
My Favorite Things Today:
1) Loose pants. my legs and ass are tired from being so tightly confined in size 3 jeans all day yesterday when they've been conditioned to live in a nice, comfy, roomy size 6.
2) My boys, of course. and let's pretend that i put this as number 1. i'd go back and change it but i'm just so lazy today.
3) i got Mike something pretty neat for Valentine's day. which we are celebrating early, tomorrow. he might think it's dumb, but i got a pretty good kick out of it. more to follow.
4) Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way. it's empowering; i don't care who you are, how you live, who you love, it's an anthem for being true to yourself and loving who you are. give it a listen: http://www.ladygaga.com/bornthisway/?utm_source=GagaFBv2&utm_medium=Link&utm_campaign=BTWSingle
5) i finally found (thanks to Mike) a song that sings about cake. it's the song in the credits for a game called Portal. i am determined to learn it so i can sing it all the time to his chagrin. he will rue the day he tried to get me to play his stupid video games. muah hahahahaha!
6) i've discovered that instead of going out and buying one of those circular thera-bands to work out with, i can use one of these rubber-hairbands that slips off of my impossibly cone-shaped head. it works just as well and now i finally have a use for them.
7) Mike wants to name our next kid Teva if it's a girl. i love the name Esmerie and he hates it. i'm willing to concede to naming her Tevva Esmerie, if we spell it with two Vs.
8) Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine.
9) Suck-'Em-In-Extra-Skin/Fat-Support shirts. cuz even little ladies need some help in the tummy department after losing 66 pounds.
10) Dancing around the living room with wild abandon to upbeat songs that you went through puberty to.
leave me some love, y'all. and enjoy yourselves.
"no matter gay, straight, or bi, transgendered life, you're on the right track baby; you were born this way!"
give yourself a hug, and know that at the end of the day, you are MORE than enough.
i tried for a few posts to write with correct grammer and punctuation and junk, but all that attention to detail is just exhausting, and i don't have the patience or the energy.
what i DO have the energy for, however, is rockin' my body to old-school N*Sync and Backstreet boys today. maybe some B-Spears. the show Glee needs to do a boy-band episode. and i'm not talking dumbass bieber or jonas brothers. i wanna see some authentic New Kids On The Block. i wanna shake my Right Stuff as they sing about it. they did a Britney episode.... where is my Justin Timberlake? i guess they just need to hire me and pick my brain for music selections.
in other news; i told myself that i'd wait until i hit 130 lbs before i dyed my hair again, but here i am at 136 with freshly dyed hair. the box says it's "light ash brown". it promises that its beige tones will "subdue red or orange tones" so here's hoping that when it dries it will look better, because right now it's lookin' a hot mess and it's terrifying.
i decided to jump the proverbial gun with my hair because i figure that any day now i'll be knocked up, and "they" frown upon copious amounts of chemicals in/on/around the body in the first trimester. and i don't want to have a freak offspring.
Big News: The Flexible One is moving to Maryland. i repeat; Maryland. what.... is in.... Maryland. if i'm not mistaken it's a teensy tiny state that can be driven across in a matter of 3 hours or so. sigh. someday i'll be living in a state that takes DAYS to drive across again. someday. i think i'll do some research to see what MD has to offer me in the way of merriment and entertainment. the only point of reference i have for that state is an odd girl that transferred to my elementary school in 4th grade or so named Jade. and for a 4th grader, she was an awfully practiced habitual liar. hopefully she was just one of a kind and the rest of the Marylanders (as i assume they are called) are decent individuals.
i've decided that i need to be more neighborly. i made some chocolate fudge cupcakes with fresh vanilla cream cheese frosting from scratch a week ago to give to our new neighbors two doors down. yesterday i saw more new neighbors moving into the townhome three doors down. and as soon as Mike and the WonderBoy wake up, i figure i'll throw on a decent outfit and take over a plate of the double chocolate chunk cookies that i made last night over there. hehe. don't you wish you were my neighbor? my next neighbors better watch out; i'm bringin' the baked goods. their waistlines are 'bout to explode.
gotta make myself feel skinnier somehow.
speaking of which, i'm wriggling into my pre-pregnancy jeans more easily these days. i put them on yesterday and i didn't even have to spray my theighs down with Pam to help them slide on. my poor belt, though. it was working it'sself to the bone yesterday. also, several times after bending down to scoop up the Super Baby i had to check to make sure that my chubby cheeks hadn't ripped through the seat of my distressed pants.
in other news; i'm fairly sure that i'm probably definitely already pregnant. i'm still crying every day over songs that i hear, and i'm all emotional and junk. hmm. i'll keep y'all posted on the Spawn-o-meter. i'm clocking in at a rating of Hormonal-yet-too-early-to-pee-on-a-stick. at tepid 4.5 on the Knocked Uppometer.
i just stretched to the side to pop my back and started blacking out. let's go get a drink of water....
My Favorite Things Today:
1) Loose pants. my legs and ass are tired from being so tightly confined in size 3 jeans all day yesterday when they've been conditioned to live in a nice, comfy, roomy size 6.
2) My boys, of course. and let's pretend that i put this as number 1. i'd go back and change it but i'm just so lazy today.
3) i got Mike something pretty neat for Valentine's day. which we are celebrating early, tomorrow. he might think it's dumb, but i got a pretty good kick out of it. more to follow.
4) Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way. it's empowering; i don't care who you are, how you live, who you love, it's an anthem for being true to yourself and loving who you are. give it a listen: http://www.ladygaga.com/bornthisway/?utm_source=GagaFBv2&utm_medium=Link&utm_campaign=BTWSingle
5) i finally found (thanks to Mike) a song that sings about cake. it's the song in the credits for a game called Portal. i am determined to learn it so i can sing it all the time to his chagrin. he will rue the day he tried to get me to play his stupid video games. muah hahahahaha!
6) i've discovered that instead of going out and buying one of those circular thera-bands to work out with, i can use one of these rubber-hairbands that slips off of my impossibly cone-shaped head. it works just as well and now i finally have a use for them.
7) Mike wants to name our next kid Teva if it's a girl. i love the name Esmerie and he hates it. i'm willing to concede to naming her Tevva Esmerie, if we spell it with two Vs.
8) Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine.
9) Suck-'Em-In-Extra-Skin/Fat-Support shirts. cuz even little ladies need some help in the tummy department after losing 66 pounds.
10) Dancing around the living room with wild abandon to upbeat songs that you went through puberty to.
leave me some love, y'all. and enjoy yourselves.
"no matter gay, straight, or bi, transgendered life, you're on the right track baby; you were born this way!"
give yourself a hug, and know that at the end of the day, you are MORE than enough.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Bastard Mini-blinds had it comin'
I'm becoming more and more like my husband every day.
Today I broke nay, shattered, the second set of mini-blinds in our apartment within two weeks. The first set i sic'd the vacuum on. This set I took out with sheer brute force. I guess I just felt like flexing The Hounds otherwise known as my beastly forearms. Anyway. They had it coming.
Kept giving me the stank eye.
Internet scammers are stupid.
I put up a post on Craigslist in hopes of selling the $6,400 dollar diamond ring that I got stuck paying for 4 years ago, and the only responses I've gotten have been from dumbasses that are trying to get one over on me.
Since WHEN do WOMEN offer to buy a ring advertised for $5000 MORE than the asking price for a "dear friend", and need it shipped overseas, and they always ask for my PayPal account and never give a shipping address. Dumb. Just how stupid do you have to be to get suckered into getting your money stolen on the interwebs...
I just wish someone that was ACTUALLY interested in buying the ring would email me.
anywho.
I dunno. I thought about doing a full-out post, but I'm just too tired. My Perfect Darling Angel Child had a hard day today which translates to me holding him most of the day so I'm bushed.
Like two birds.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1.) The superbowl is stupid. I miss football. Actual. Football. College ball. High School ball. I miss when it was exciting and junk and not about over-the-top pageantry and commercials and commentary. Blood, sweat, and that Hometown feeling. sigh.
2.) Forget pet brushes; my run-of-the-mill hair comb works better for taming my little lions' fur.
3.) Today Ronin got to be Spock. He hurt his little fingers and the way I bandaged them up made him look like he was telling people to "live long and prosper" all day.
4.) Two people told me that I look skinny today. And they're not related to me. Win.
5.) I ate healthy food at the superbowl party today. By default. Ronin wanted to play with the veggies, but he wouldn't eat them; he instead put them in my mouth and laughed while I ate them. Then he stole the fried mozzarella cheese stick out of my hand and ate it before I could get more than one bite in. What a sweet boy, helping mama stay skinny.
6.) Damn that Kardashian woman and her impossibly perky perfect body. No one can live up to that physical standard. Well, no one who's name is Krista Custer who's had a kid and whose skin is riddled with deep purple stretch marks. Did I just make you throw up a little bit?
7.) I've decided, after watching it non-stop this Saturday, that I am officially a Gleek and will be watching the show for the forseeable future.
8.) I think I'm ready for menopause. Mood swings are one of God's cruelest jokes. That and the poor platypus. The kids at school must have really had a field day making fun of him.
9.) I wish my hair would grow faster. I wish it were more like that of a football player's hair; long, flowing, majestic.
10) It must be terrible to be a janitor that works after the superbowl ends. All that confetti. All that glitter. All that spilled beer. All that puke...
Today I broke nay, shattered, the second set of mini-blinds in our apartment within two weeks. The first set i sic'd the vacuum on. This set I took out with sheer brute force. I guess I just felt like flexing The Hounds otherwise known as my beastly forearms. Anyway. They had it coming.
Kept giving me the stank eye.
Internet scammers are stupid.
I put up a post on Craigslist in hopes of selling the $6,400 dollar diamond ring that I got stuck paying for 4 years ago, and the only responses I've gotten have been from dumbasses that are trying to get one over on me.
Since WHEN do WOMEN offer to buy a ring advertised for $5000 MORE than the asking price for a "dear friend", and need it shipped overseas, and they always ask for my PayPal account and never give a shipping address. Dumb. Just how stupid do you have to be to get suckered into getting your money stolen on the interwebs...
I just wish someone that was ACTUALLY interested in buying the ring would email me.
anywho.
I dunno. I thought about doing a full-out post, but I'm just too tired. My Perfect Darling Angel Child had a hard day today which translates to me holding him most of the day so I'm bushed.
Like two birds.
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1.) The superbowl is stupid. I miss football. Actual. Football. College ball. High School ball. I miss when it was exciting and junk and not about over-the-top pageantry and commercials and commentary. Blood, sweat, and that Hometown feeling. sigh.
2.) Forget pet brushes; my run-of-the-mill hair comb works better for taming my little lions' fur.
3.) Today Ronin got to be Spock. He hurt his little fingers and the way I bandaged them up made him look like he was telling people to "live long and prosper" all day.
4.) Two people told me that I look skinny today. And they're not related to me. Win.
5.) I ate healthy food at the superbowl party today. By default. Ronin wanted to play with the veggies, but he wouldn't eat them; he instead put them in my mouth and laughed while I ate them. Then he stole the fried mozzarella cheese stick out of my hand and ate it before I could get more than one bite in. What a sweet boy, helping mama stay skinny.
6.) Damn that Kardashian woman and her impossibly perky perfect body. No one can live up to that physical standard. Well, no one who's name is Krista Custer who's had a kid and whose skin is riddled with deep purple stretch marks. Did I just make you throw up a little bit?
7.) I've decided, after watching it non-stop this Saturday, that I am officially a Gleek and will be watching the show for the forseeable future.
8.) I think I'm ready for menopause. Mood swings are one of God's cruelest jokes. That and the poor platypus. The kids at school must have really had a field day making fun of him.
9.) I wish my hair would grow faster. I wish it were more like that of a football player's hair; long, flowing, majestic.
10) It must be terrible to be a janitor that works after the superbowl ends. All that confetti. All that glitter. All that spilled beer. All that puke...
Thursday, January 27, 2011
When I Grow Up I Think I'll Be...
I've been thinking a lot about what I'd like to do when I decide it's time to go back into the "actually pays money" workforce.
I mean, I LOVE being a full-time mommy and all, but getting paid in Soggy Diapers and Booger Slime Nose Surprise kind of gets a little.... "not money"-ey sometimes.
And I have big plans for the dinero sitting in my bank account, all lonely and forgotten. It needs to be added to, eventually, so that I can achieve those dreams.
But I digress.
Here are the options I've come up with so far:
1) Bouncer/Fight Breaker Upper on a "Spoiled Rich Girl Learns Life Lessons" reality show. This might just be the easiest job in the world. When they start screaming at each other over "who drank who's boxed wine" and throwing marinara sauce on each other, I'd hop in there and dominate. They may fight back, but they couldn't possibly expect to win or even hurt me. These girls have ZERO muscular strength from refraining from all manual labor more strenuous than sexting their boyfriends. And even if they did try to scrap with me, the fight would be over the minute I scuffed their Jimmy Choos or broke one of their nails. Or pulled out their fake hair tracts. Although I'd probably throw some good punches their way anyway to help them learn that "violence doesn't solve your boxed wine crisis". They wouldn't stand a chance against me. I lift my 20 pound Wonder Son all day; I'm a veritable beast. Bottom Line: Someone's gotta keep those whiny anorexic bitches in check.
2) Camera Woman/ Technician for any "Survivor" type reality show. I'd be all up the wilderness, filming these starved, half crazed, game players, GRUBBIN' ON MASS AMOUNTS OF CHEESEBURGERS. There's really no rhyme or reason as to why I want this job, other than my desire to do it for the irony. I want to watch these people's faces as I stand there filming them, deliberately chewing ever so slowly on a double decker extra bacon cheesy cheesy cheeseburger. With fries. Maybe a cherry turnover. And definitely a cupcake. Maybe two.
Which brings me to my third and most coveted position of...
3) Cake Taste-Tester/Judge on ANY Baking reality show. I WANT THIS JOB most of all. Imagine, me, sitting on a cozy little stool, cuddled up to plate after plate of delicate, moise, expertly prepared and cleverly presented cake...
O. M. Geezus it would be perfect. Devil's Food, Italian Cream, Southern Lemon.... the list goes on and on. And so does the string of drool from my chin. I know what you're thinking. "But Krista, you like ALL kinds of cake; and the job is to judge the good and bad of the Caking World; wouldn't you just say that they're all wonderful?"
To that I say, not so. Every 8th plate of cake, or so, I'd act completely disgusted and enraged by whatever slice of red velvet just happened to be the unlucky victim of my rage. I'd raise Cain, throwing the unsuspecting cake to the floor, stomping it to all smithereens, then using the plate it came on to beat the poor baker's kneecaps in and bite off his or her ear; thereby securing my job for the future, and cementing my reputation as The Authority On All Things Delicous And Of Cake.
So those are the Fields of expertise that I'm looking into. Let me know which one you'd chose, and which one you think I would thrive in the best.
In other news, my kid is being kind of funny this week. He's trying....new things.
Ronin's Top Seven New Actions That Make Me Laugh:
1. I keep finding him pulling out little pieces of carpet and quickly trying to shove them in his mouth to eat them before I can stop him.
2. Ditto for cat food. The cats knock a few pieces out of their bowl and he has amazing homing-device-like ability when it comes to locating and eating the renegade Ocean Delight nuggets. Sometimes, I'm not fast enough and he ends up successfully eating the cat food. I guess it must be good because he keeps going back for more.
3. I have the coffee table pushed up flush with the couch. He "tap dances" on the coffee table, then dives face first into the couch cushions. This cracks him up. He does it again and again; it's our new favorite game.
4. He attempts to do somersaults on the floor. He gets his head down on the carpet, one hand on either side, and straightens his legs putting his little booty high up in the air. He teeters precariously from side to side for a while, and then kind of flops limply to one side. He'll be the next Paul Hamm.
5. When I have the refrigerator open he runs over and takes the lettuce out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in...
6. If I hand him anything soft (blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, Pillow Pal, jacket...) he holds it up to his cheek and cuddles it, melting into it until he's in the Fetal Position just grinning away and cuddling his Soft Thing. This goes for our cats too, if they make the mistake of getting within arm's reach of him.
7. Ronin likes to "pet" me now. I taught him how to gently pet our cats; to caress them instead of pulling their fur, and I guess he thinks that the same goes for Mama. He sits in my lap and strokes my shin. He'll kind of rub the side of my face if I'm holding him. I love it. It's as if he's saying "there's a good mommy. Sweet Mommy. Nice Mommy."
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment so that I know which path to take my career in.
I mean, I LOVE being a full-time mommy and all, but getting paid in Soggy Diapers and Booger Slime Nose Surprise kind of gets a little.... "not money"-ey sometimes.
And I have big plans for the dinero sitting in my bank account, all lonely and forgotten. It needs to be added to, eventually, so that I can achieve those dreams.
But I digress.
Here are the options I've come up with so far:
1) Bouncer/Fight Breaker Upper on a "Spoiled Rich Girl Learns Life Lessons" reality show. This might just be the easiest job in the world. When they start screaming at each other over "who drank who's boxed wine" and throwing marinara sauce on each other, I'd hop in there and dominate. They may fight back, but they couldn't possibly expect to win or even hurt me. These girls have ZERO muscular strength from refraining from all manual labor more strenuous than sexting their boyfriends. And even if they did try to scrap with me, the fight would be over the minute I scuffed their Jimmy Choos or broke one of their nails. Or pulled out their fake hair tracts. Although I'd probably throw some good punches their way anyway to help them learn that "violence doesn't solve your boxed wine crisis". They wouldn't stand a chance against me. I lift my 20 pound Wonder Son all day; I'm a veritable beast. Bottom Line: Someone's gotta keep those whiny anorexic bitches in check.
2) Camera Woman/ Technician for any "Survivor" type reality show. I'd be all up the wilderness, filming these starved, half crazed, game players, GRUBBIN' ON MASS AMOUNTS OF CHEESEBURGERS. There's really no rhyme or reason as to why I want this job, other than my desire to do it for the irony. I want to watch these people's faces as I stand there filming them, deliberately chewing ever so slowly on a double decker extra bacon cheesy cheesy cheeseburger. With fries. Maybe a cherry turnover. And definitely a cupcake. Maybe two.
Which brings me to my third and most coveted position of...
3) Cake Taste-Tester/Judge on ANY Baking reality show. I WANT THIS JOB most of all. Imagine, me, sitting on a cozy little stool, cuddled up to plate after plate of delicate, moise, expertly prepared and cleverly presented cake...
O. M. Geezus it would be perfect. Devil's Food, Italian Cream, Southern Lemon.... the list goes on and on. And so does the string of drool from my chin. I know what you're thinking. "But Krista, you like ALL kinds of cake; and the job is to judge the good and bad of the Caking World; wouldn't you just say that they're all wonderful?"
To that I say, not so. Every 8th plate of cake, or so, I'd act completely disgusted and enraged by whatever slice of red velvet just happened to be the unlucky victim of my rage. I'd raise Cain, throwing the unsuspecting cake to the floor, stomping it to all smithereens, then using the plate it came on to beat the poor baker's kneecaps in and bite off his or her ear; thereby securing my job for the future, and cementing my reputation as The Authority On All Things Delicous And Of Cake.
So those are the Fields of expertise that I'm looking into. Let me know which one you'd chose, and which one you think I would thrive in the best.
In other news, my kid is being kind of funny this week. He's trying....new things.
Ronin's Top Seven New Actions That Make Me Laugh:
1. I keep finding him pulling out little pieces of carpet and quickly trying to shove them in his mouth to eat them before I can stop him.
2. Ditto for cat food. The cats knock a few pieces out of their bowl and he has amazing homing-device-like ability when it comes to locating and eating the renegade Ocean Delight nuggets. Sometimes, I'm not fast enough and he ends up successfully eating the cat food. I guess it must be good because he keeps going back for more.
3. I have the coffee table pushed up flush with the couch. He "tap dances" on the coffee table, then dives face first into the couch cushions. This cracks him up. He does it again and again; it's our new favorite game.
4. He attempts to do somersaults on the floor. He gets his head down on the carpet, one hand on either side, and straightens his legs putting his little booty high up in the air. He teeters precariously from side to side for a while, and then kind of flops limply to one side. He'll be the next Paul Hamm.
5. When I have the refrigerator open he runs over and takes the lettuce out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in...
6. If I hand him anything soft (blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, Pillow Pal, jacket...) he holds it up to his cheek and cuddles it, melting into it until he's in the Fetal Position just grinning away and cuddling his Soft Thing. This goes for our cats too, if they make the mistake of getting within arm's reach of him.
7. Ronin likes to "pet" me now. I taught him how to gently pet our cats; to caress them instead of pulling their fur, and I guess he thinks that the same goes for Mama. He sits in my lap and strokes my shin. He'll kind of rub the side of my face if I'm holding him. I love it. It's as if he's saying "there's a good mommy. Sweet Mommy. Nice Mommy."
Thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment so that I know which path to take my career in.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
the importance of paying attention
i have learned, after a series of follies, that paying attention is important.
paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.
1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:
When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.
2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You:
Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.
3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:
I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot. My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.
4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:
My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table, find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off. I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.
5 Small Things I Did Today:
1) Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.
2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.
3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.
4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...
5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.
Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.
paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.
1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:
When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.
2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You:
Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.
3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:
I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot. My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.
4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:
My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table, find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off. I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.
5 Small Things I Did Today:
1) Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.
2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.
3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.
4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...
5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.
Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
More Letters to random... randoms.
Dear Walmart;
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane. It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista
Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista
Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body. I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista
Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista
Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today. I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista
Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out. Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista
Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista
Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey. I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats. And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista
Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.
2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.
3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.
4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.
5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!
6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.
7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.
8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.
9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.
10) cheesesteak sandwich.
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane. It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers. Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista
Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista
Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body. I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista
Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista
Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today. I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista
Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out. Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista
Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista
Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey. I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats. And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista
Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista
Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.
2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.
3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.
4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.
5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!
6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.
7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.
8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.
9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.
10) cheesesteak sandwich.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Walmart people are terrifying
everytime i go to walmart here in Georgia, i die a little bit inside.
i lose more and more faith in humanity.
today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.
i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."
oh. my. God.
it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.
it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.
it's terrifying.
imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.
like i said, terrifying.
also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?
so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.
also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".
yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.
maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.
also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.
think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.
i lose more and more faith in humanity.
today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.
i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."
oh. my. God.
it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.
it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.
it's terrifying.
imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.
like i said, terrifying.
also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?
so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.
also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".
yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.
maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.
also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.
think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.
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