Waffley VonBlintz

hummanah hummanah hummanah. sheebow sheebow. woooootboing.

ok. i've psyched myself up. i'm ready to write.
in bed, in pajamas, in the semi-dark.
windows are open so i can listen to the rain, and my computer is nestled on top of two pillows.
if not perfect, then it's a near-perfect writing environment.

ok.

so i went to Texas for 6 weeks while my hubster was off wasting his time, against his will, in some stupid course for work.

in these short 6 weeks, my house got trashed by my cat/housesitter, Mike's car got towed, and i lost my awesome and very sweet phone.

i dont' want to dwell on these negative things... let's just say the delinquent is on my naughty list and i can't talk to him because i'd say/do something that i regret; Maryland is STUPID. and oh yeah, i'm STUPID for losing my awesome and very sweet phone. also, phone insurance companies are STUPID. but they work. so you keep your head down and just barrel through the stupid. it will save you $250 dollars.

i kind of wish that i'd had a real wedding. well, mostly just the party part. you know, the reception. mostly because i'd love to do some goofy wedding dance like this:

except that my wedding party would KNOW how to dance and they'd be SHARP!! as a former Pearland Prancer and Ballerina, i would expect nothing less of my bridesmaids and groomsmen. i mean, if you're going to get out there and dance to something outside the Wedding-Cliche-Box, you might as well Cut the rug, not just trip and stumble across it. so i guess if i ever have an actual wedding/reception, i'll be holding tryouts for bridesmaids. so everyone brush up on your dance moves!! watch some Napoleon Dynamite, or watch this:

it will teach you EVERYTHING you need to know.


my question is, how on earth do you go through TWELVE boxes of pop-tarts in three weeks? you'd have to have between 2 and 3 a day.... i guess it's plausible. just not ethical. especially when they are not YOUR pop-tarts. they belong to the son of the lady whose house you are supposed to be watching/caring for while she's gone for six weeks. you pissant little putz.

i was so just royally miffed about the whole "my house sitter really screwed me over" business that the day that i came home, i couldn't get to sleep for the life of me because every atom of my being was livid. i ended up finally falling asleep that night and ended up taking a 4-hour angry-nap.

your mother would not approve.

so at the end of the day today, i had on thick black eyeliner, and i'd straightened my hair and put on a punky shirt and my hubby's plaid lazy pants. why? let's just say i listened to a LOT of Avril Lavigne today.

like, a LOT.

Dear Inhabitants of The Greater DC area:
I try to be nice and decent to you. I open doors for many of you; men, women and children alike. I say "yes ma'am" and "yes sir" and so on. I let people in when i'm on the freeway. I smile at everyone, I try to go out of my way to be friendly or to make people laugh.
So cut me a fucking break and be nice to me every now and then. Because, damn. Maryland, you're MEAN!
That is all,
Krista


So i walked out of the Ladies' room in a Fiesta supermarket, and this dude asks me if there are any other women in there, as they need to get back to the ladder i just passed, back up into the ceiling and back to work. i tell him i don't mind checking for him. i waltz into the Loo and let out a loud "HELLLOOOUUUU....LADIES?!!" to which i hear him laughing. and it kind of made my day.

well, that and the Meerkats i saw later while i was at the zoo.

and the pregnant goat that i pet. i felt the baby's heartbeat. kind of extremely awesome.

i spent about an hour today watching Michael Grimm Videos like this one:

and ones of Jackie Evancho like this:

and yes, i know what you are all wondering.

it's true. i'm insanely jealous.

also, i've discovered that these past few months i've started forgetting how to spell simple words. words like "which". earlier in this blog, i spelled the word "time" like this: "him". what is wrong with me? all my brain are shutting down.
jeez.

time to go see the neurologist again!!

ha.

so THIS is what it's like when i try to make myself write. also, when i've had too much riesling. whoops.

alright. well. maybe next time i'll write while i'm still sober. tee hee!!

oh, by the way. this nerve condition that i have definitely has some silver linings. my random goosebump patches offer me endless visual entertainment, and sometimes i'm so dizzy that it makes me nauseated for hours on end so i can't eat anything... which is great news for my jeans. those poor jeans, they've been working so hard this year. the last time i wore this particular pair that i speak of was 2 years ago. we're talking pre-spawning. and i was about 20 pounds lighter back then. i think i've put holes in the butt/crotch of every pair of jeans that i own since i found that i could force them back on my body. oh well. peek-a-boo. at least my panties are cute.

also, on a slightly related note, i really need to make sure that the curtains are CLOSED before i do a 1920's Flapper-girl inspired sexy dance for my husband. at least i was wearing my bathrobe which covers.... well, i guess it covers everything.

well nevermind then. let 'em look.



Love, Laughs, and Rubber Duck-filled Bubble Baths.

Knife or Banana: Which will you chose?

it's 9:20 on a thursday morning and i find myself with nothing pressing to do.

my beautiful boy is conked out on the couch.
i guess that's what he gets for waking up at 4:30. and 5. and 5:30am this morning.

i've finished my coffee, answered my emails, filled out a few surveys to earn a few measley cents, diddled around on facebook, and emptied the dishwasher.

i suppose it's time to get back to my roots.

and i'm not talking about the two streaks in my hair that have turned pale green, either. although they do require some rapt attention in the near future. they used to be blue and purple. now they're just Ick and Eww.

i grew a pumpkin in my backyard this summer. i had such high hopes for intricate carvings and fresh pumpkin pies, but it only grew to be the size of Ronin's ginormous head, so now i'm left scratching mine.

about all it's good for is staring at.

so that's what i'm doing.


there's an awesome toy store that we found whilst exploring our new city.
it's next to like 3 bakeries, a breakfast nook and a FroYo place which is even better.

but i digress.

we went there yesterday and i picked up some stuff on sale.

a book about how Medusa, Frankenstein, the Headless Horseman, Poe, and other unfortunate monsters/people have tough lives and the unique challenges they face. it's cute. i'm sure Ronin will appreciate the satire in a few years.

also, i got a 1500 piece puzzle of Unicorns.
i HAD to get it.

it had unicorns on it.

little constructable Trevors.

y'all remember Trevor, right? my blue best-friend Unicorn? who has poison spikes all over?
of course you do.


hmm. what else is new...

i'm 27. i'm falling apart. i have.... 9 bruises on my legs that i cannot account for. two of which are new this morning. my goosebumps are being exceptionally gung-ho this week. and not only did i drop scissors today, but i dropped coffee grounds. they went everywhere.

note to self; Buy a DUSTBUSTER. because coffee grounds are stubborn and stupid and never come when you call them.

Ronin has a monkey costume for Halloween. i want to find a banana costume so that i can be this guy for Halloween:

Mike wants to be a knife for Halloween so that we can reenact this little game show:

We're a silly family.


So i ordered a 20 lb weight vest online yesterday. i hear that the best way to "lose those last 10 stubborn pounds" is to trick your body into thinking it's heavier than it is to jump-start your metabolism. apparently your body wants to stay a certain weight, and if all-of-the-sudden it is under the impression that your "spare tire" is now a "spare monster-truck", then it'll get off it's lazy butt and do something about it.

we'll see about that. i plan on wearing it all the time. except when swimming.

it wouldn't be prudent.

YOU try doggie-paddling with the weight of a small child strapped to your chest.

it's ruff.

HA!


well, this was fun but i suppose i should probably hit "publish" and put this up for y'all.

after all, i have UNICORNS to build.

Twenty Something

I'm growing up all over the place.

I've been doing a lot of thinking and self-evaluation lately. Mostly because i need a change.

I crave change.

In about a month from now I will be 27.

Three years from thirty.

I guess this next year of my life is as good a time as any to actually grow up.

I took out my belly ring for good last night. No amount of glitz and sparkle around my navel (naval?) will ever be enough to make up for the copious amount of deep dark stretch marks that plague my middle.

No dangling chain of stars will ever make it flat and beautiful again.

So I figured that maybe I should stop lying to myself, pull the blinders off of my dissillusioned eyes, and take the cursed thing out.

I already feel more like a grown-up woman.

Frog Lips

so it's finally happening. I'm leaving the state of Georgia and i'm never going back!

we head to Maryland a week from today and i couldn't be more excited.

it's sad that i'll be leaving some awesome friends, but true friendship doesn't dissolve with time and distance.


the only thing i'm truly worried about is my cats.

i'm staring at a 9+ hours car ride with two cats and a 15 month old.

i've started having night tremors about cat piss in my car.



Mischief will most likely be fine. He'll climb up on my shoulder, impede my ability to check my blind spots, and look out the window the whole time while yowling in my ear and demanding pets. Lady i'm sure will crawl under the seats and piss herself the entire time out of terror.

she's not the sharpest tool in the shed, and on top of that she's a Giant Weenie.



i guess the best i can do is cover the upholstery in plastic sheets, pop a couple of Ronin's diapers on their kitty butts and hope for the best.


or keep them in their kennel. which might be the better option.



i do think they'd look cute in Ronin's Sesame Street diapers though.

little tails poking through...




haha, just had an idea for the Shortest Post Ever: Reasons why Georgia is Awesome.

it's not.

end of post.




Krista's Random Thoughts Before Starting her Day:

1) why did i not capitalize the "h" in "her"? huh.

2) the lady at Progressive that i talked to today sounded exactly like the chick from Flight Of The Conchords. This chick:

i spent the entire time on the phone with her trying not to crack up.

3) Ronin is eating a muffin in his high chair and dancing because he's so happy about it. Awesome.

4) If you're not watching the show GLEE then you are missing out on some FANTASTIC music. Music such as this: 

5) Bridesmaids is a hilarious movie! definitely a "girlfriends" flick. I'm going to miss my girls when i move!

6) went to get some black nail polish today, and Ronin reaches up to me holding a very pretty shell/coral pink. he picked it out for me! so of course i got it. how could i not?

7) the Army is packing all of our stuff up for us and hauling it off and away to MD on Friday. we don't leave until Monday or Tuesday. it's gonna be awkward living in an empty townhouse for the weekend with no dishes/beds/couches/tv/microwave/crib/dressers....

8) it's taking longer than i expected to get pregnant again. oh well. it just means that my summer clothes will fit me this year <3  the baby will come when it comes.

9) on an seperate and not-unrelated note, my biological Big Ben is booming away in the back of my mind. I ain't gettin' any younger.

10)  PLEASE TELL YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS BLOG! i promise that once i get to Maryland i'll be writing more.

11) My little Brother gets back from his mission to California for the Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints on the 15th and i'm SO EXCITED FOR HIM TO MEET HIS NEPHEW!! i'm also excited to see him myself; he's pretty awesome!


peace, peas, and chicken grease. ugh, gross. nevermind the grease. how about, peace, peas, and homemade nutella chocolate chip cookies?

Unicorns make the best movies.

in 21 days i'll be leaving this state forever.

i've been trapped here for the last 5 years of my life and i am tooooo excited to leave!

we found a great 4 bedroom townhome in Maryland with a fenced  in yard and a decent kitchen, among other wonderful features. i'm chomping at the bit to get packed up and moved.

the only thing i'm kind of sad about is the fact that i'll have to start kind of all over again making new friends. i'll have a few kind of built-in girl friends in the form of the significant others of Mike's friends so that helps.

it's going to be.... interesting having two cats and a 15 month old in a car for 9 hours making the drive up to our new home.  i have 21 days to live in fear of the cat piss that i'm sure will be spilt in the fabric of my car's seats from a terrified Lady kitty.

oh joy.


next subject.

i watched two of the most horrible movies ever made yesterday.

Mazes and Monsters with Tom Hanks and The Rig with The Worst Actors Imaginable.

i ended up slurping down a bottle of Riesling in order to survive the double horror.

and now Mike, who FORCED me to watch those two movies, won't watch The Last Unicorn with me.

which is just a crying shame because it's the BEST movie EVER made.



next subject.

i'm excited to be pregnant again. clarification; i'm looking forward to it. last time it mellowed me out and made me so incredibly un-neurotic. that sure would be nice.



so yesterday i was on the stationary bike at the gym pumping hard and it popped into my head that i used to be 17 pounds skinnier than i currently am. It seemed so impossible and such an unattainable goal that it threw me head first into a Miniature Depression Pit. i hopped off the bike, sighed, and went home.


aaaaaaand i'm cutting this short because my boy will be waking up from First Nap any second now.

Top Five Fun Things I've Been Up To Lately:

1) listening to Maroon 5's newest album. it's AWESOME.

2) getting a tan on my whitey white white skin. i no longer glow in the dark. thank you. *takes bow*.

3) attempting to turn my "Don't Pick Me Up" kitty into a "Please Hold Me All The Time And Cuddle Me" kitty. things are going well. she lets me hold her for about ten seconds now before she wants down.

4)  i'm almost out of coffee. wait, that's a bad thing...

5) dancing while i'm running on the treadmill at the gym. i figure, the more fun i'm having the more i'll work out. so i ignore the looks and chuckles of the on-lookers and i go ahead and get down with my bad self.

here's something that makes me laugh; not for the sensitive of constitution.

Rainy Day Activities

BEST. TATTOO. EVER.

Also.

Is it raining outside? Did you quit your overly easy job to stick it to the man? Are you a stoner looking for something to do whilst you munch your munchies? Here are a few ideas to take you from:

to:

Favorite Things To Do When Bored:

* drive with nearly my entire left leg out the window (thanks ballet training!) and the Moby blasting. be wary of cops though. Cops don't like Moby.

* bake enormous amounts of cookies, eat two, then try to pawn them off on my friends.

* go to bing.com and search for images labeled "random" to get inspiration. end up gawking at the dude in the 12 inch spiked heels and the football pads.

* attempt to bake cornbread correctly. and fail.

* find new ways to multitask. lately it's doing hip thrust butt squeezes on my bed while playing sudoku on my phone 'til my eyes bleed.

* carry my cat around the house upside down. he seems to enjoy it.

* drive around blasting my russian music so people will think i'm foreign and therefore Cool.

* rearrange things in the house so that i have to hunt them down like vermin the next time i'm in need of Vick's VapoRub or toothpicks.

* slather lotion on anything that moves in an attempt to use up the collection of bottles that i've been hoarding away.

* go to the gym, turn up the ipod, and lip-sync all the words to Spice Girls songs while you run. the heavy breathing from the physical exertion actually pumps sound from your pipes, so your treadmill mates get a free concert. bonus win for them/silver lining.

* if stated treadmill mates give you grief for your impromptu concert, feel free to shake out your sweaty lycra pants on them. don't worry about the logistics of shaking out one's sweaty pants on someone else; just make it happen.

* Every time someone calls you that day, pretend to work at Burger King and take their order. Insist that they pull around to the second window.

* finding new ways to be a good party guest. i.e.: bring a few things from the fridge at your next holiday gathering. last one i went to i brought 3 slices of American Cheese, a ziploc baggie of scrambled eggs, a summer sausage, and a few fresh slices of tomahto. yes. you say tomayto, and i indeed say tomahto.



try these out the next time you get bored or find yourself with way too much time on your hands.

it makes for good stories to tell your kids.

or anecdotes to tell your new cell mate...

Old Yeller, Most Accurate Fairy Tale Ever.

i'm always searching for the perfect tattoo... and i think i've found it:

the heartbreak kid is one of the worst movies i've ever seen.

they treat marriage like you treated fashion trends in high school. like it's something that doesn't matter, that's easily undone, and like it's no big deal.

it infuriates me.

why doesn't anyone take the Big Things in life seriously anymore?  i do.

i'm sorry that i've been all Debby Downer lately, but life has been an awful rotten shit-storm lately.

it's not been fun. i'm hanging in there, but set to go see the Brain Rangers over at MCG.


i need me some meds. it is WAY TOO CRAZY in my head right now. i'm feeling way toooo much and i think i'd rather just numb it a bit while i sort through it.

i'd like to think that i must be a strong woman; i haven't fallen completely apart yet. i wonder how others would do dealing with my things that need dealing with. would they go bat-shit crazy? would they jump from the building and "aim for the bushes"?

who knows.


my kitten is suspitiously watching me type over her shoulder. i guess she wants to make sure i'm not tattling to the Interwebs about her. silly kitteh.


in other news, i agree with some of the ladies on facebook this morning. disney lied. there's no such thing as a fairy tale ending. the ugly duckling grows up to be a grotesquely ugly duck.  Cinderella's prince has to help her deal with the fact that even though she married into royalty, that her parents are still dead and she was mistreated and neglected for most of her life. 

they did get Old Yeller right though. they have to shoot the boy's best friend and then life kind of just sucks all the way around.


things aren't always what they seem. this week the rose colored glasses came off and i had to see things the way that they really are and the way that they've been.

it wasn't fun. there were tears. and running make-up cuz i switched from waterproof to regular about 3 weeks ago. and then walking around looking like a sad/scary clown cuz i still have this blue/pink hair and i had mascara streaks all down my cheeks.

ha, rhyme.

i realized yesterday that, in all honesty to myself, Life for me has been a "run out the clock" type situation for quite a while now. i get up, i play with the Wunderkind, and i count down the hours until i can go back to sleep and make my head shutthafuccup.

maybe things would be better if i could just sleep for a week. you know, wake up when things are better. they just have to get better.


i'm sorry that this post isn't funny or happy either. for the record, i did try. but this is all that came out of my fingertips.  writing does help my thinking/sorting/processing though, so i guess it's not been a total waste.

Things That Are Awful or Awesome:

1) our neighbors behind us neglected their Collie, which i assume died. now they have two new yappy dogs that they also leave outside and neglect. Some people..... AWFUL.

2)  haven't gotten a phone call lately from my stalker. maybe he's dead. i don't care. he can go rub tin can lids across his eyeballs for all i care. i'm just glad he's not calling me at 1am anymore to say "i love you" or to say other equally creepy things to me. AWESOME.

3) this week. AWFUL.

4) nauseous all the time from stress. ALSO AWFUL.

5) found some wonderful books yesterday for Ronin's library to include several Dr. Seuss books, Berenstein Bears,  Choose Your Own Adventures, The Stinky Cheese Man and Other Fairly Stupid Tales, and Shiloh. AWESOME.

6) finding out that sometimes all you get when you dig into the past is more reasons to lay awake at night feeling terrible: AWFUL.

7) this video, incredibly sad but so powerful at the same time. and for that reason, AWESOME. only watch it if you need to cry.

8) my cat is now on the floor, viciously chasing her tail. i'd be suprised if she hasn't drawn blood already. AWESOME.

9) new Lemon cinnamon rolls from pillsbury... WE'LL HAVE TO WAIT AND SEE UNTIL THEY'RE DONE COOKING.

10) being stuck behind the COUPON HOARDER at walmart yesterday.... AWFUL. seriously. all my frozen stuff wasn't frozen anymore. i can understand wanting to save money, but when you're arguing with the clerk about whether something costs 2.79 or 2.89 then maybe, just maybe, you might have allowed coupon clipping to send you spiraling towards a psychotic break.

that is all. if you guys have any ideas for something fun that i could write about, then please, comment here (you can do it anonymously), or catch me on facebook. i think i even have my email on my blog profile so take you're pick.

i need me some happy ideas. i want to be all cool and Make A Comeback like P-Diddy... i'm sorry, Diddy Durty Money does all the time, but i need some help. a literary makeover, if you will. so don't be shy.

i'm not.

in all honesty i'm just jealous. *EXPLICIT*

i wish i could punch strippers in the face.

or at least the ASSHOLE that drags people to the strip club and all but places one of those disease infested crotch-jockeys on the lap of the one that you love.

sure. i bet i'm offending someone out there in the web-iverse but i couldn't give a shit if you paid me to.

i HATE the stripping "profession".

i try so fucking hard every day to look like the Megan Foxes and the Giselles of the world.  i work out, i watch what i eat, i take pills on occasion, i stuff my fingers down my throat....

and still, i have to fight through the constant barage of strippers and cinematic "artful nudity" and the MILLIONS of porn videos/pictures out there.

it's an uphill battle that i don't think i'll ever win. i mean, let's just be honest here. i've had a kid. and the way i ballooned out while i was incubating him has all but secured Stretch Marks as my most noticable physical trait for the rest of my life. my boobs look like two overly depressing suicide notes stuffed into a bra that's breaking a sweat and going into muscle failure just trying to hoist them up to where they should be.

how can i compete?

now i know what y'all are prolly thinking;

Krista, you're married. He loves you. You love him. Nothing else matters! You don't have to compete with anyone!

to this I say:

BullFuckingShit.

of course i do.


when i'm not around, guess who is? Molly Muffbucket and Sally Sluttypants on the interwebs just waiting.

when i'm not "in the mood" guess who is? Candy Cummings at the strip club, scantily clad and disturbingly perky.


the fuck do i have to do.


i don't think there's anything i can do.

except maybe slap every stripper/pornstar that i see and tell them to stop making life so hard for men everywhere and the ladies (or fellas) that love them.


i'd NEVER do that to another woman's man.


what a sick world i live in.

If i could cash in silver linings i would be rich

there's something to be said for silver linings. added bonuses. extra wins.

however you want to label it.

it's been brought to my attention that i've been awarded Bonus Life Wins that I wasn't expecting.

1)  I had a rhinoplasty in 2008. Bonus Win: there's so much scar tissue in my nose that all these "spring allergens" don't bother me at all. seriously, no runny nose and not even one sneeze. also, i can tweeze my protruding nose hairs without involuntary pain-tears.

2)  I got kind of scary sick about a week ago but thankfully was treated quickly and recovered 100%. Bonus Win: a withheld dissappointing truth was finally outed during a related conversation. it kind of sucks that my health had to be in peril before the truth was finally squeezed out, but at least now i know.

3)  This dude's meals from now on will all taste like lighter fluid. And he will never again be able to slurp him some soup. But at least he'll always know where his lighter is when it's late at night and the Arson Compulsion starts to rear it's crackling head...

4) He may have lost his fingers, hand, and wrist in that fateful ribbon-cutting-ceremony freak accident, but at least he didn't lose his sense of humor. A giant toe. It must have been his facetious response to his buddies' drunken cheers of "walk it off, dude!"

5) I tried on my pre-pregnancy swim suit two days ago. It was frightening and tragic. Silver Lining: i ended up putting the Ben & Jerry's pint down. It's still in my freezer. lonely and unmunched.




Now for a new segment called Ten Things That Are Amazing/Awful:

1) Surprise Buttsecks: depends on who you ask. wink.

2)  Mike's Beer Bread: depends on how many days you let it sit on top of the microwave.

3)  Jellyfish: definitely awful. and reason number 4 of Why I Don't Go In The Water.

4)  Dogbird: Awesome. also, want. Not only is it a delicious alternative to chicken, but when you shoot down one of it's buddies, it will help you find it by flapping over and pointing to it with it's sweet little puppy nose.

5)  Sexy Black Swan inspired back tattoo. Also Awesome. and i would TOTALLY get it done if tattoos weren't so darn permanent.

6)  Every Day I'm Shufflin. Awesome. Especially the dancing Robot. That hunka iron's got some sick moves.

7)  Mummies. Awful. But only because of the stench that i assume accompanies their perfectly preserved asses.

8)  Sporadically dancing, then turning around to find that my husband has also spontaneously started busting a groove. Awesome. We're so in sync...

9) Grilled. Cheese. Sandwich.  Awesome.

10)  Ke$ha. AWFUL. she looks like a train wreck of a crack slut. in glitter. who's covered in dirtlike freckles. and she can't sing. Shun.


Comment with YOUR most Awesome/Awful thing of the moment.

after ten years...

i finally did it. i went kah-razy with my hair. in case you can't tell, that's pastel bubble-gum pink on top/side with some bright teal on my left side and underneath. boom.

i'm a wild and out-there kinda gal, in case y'all hadn't already figured it out; so i feel like this hairstyle adequately pinpoints the finer aspects of my bubbly personality.

i've got quite  a bit of Bailey's in me so this is proving to be more difficult than i anticipated so i think i'll just wrap this up.


no earth shattering news, no off the walls banter. just an update into how awesome i continually am.

also, i'm getting mah sexy back. went to the mall and totally got some smiles/stares. in a GOOD way, at that.



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1)  If i could spend all my (our) money at Victoria's Secret I would. stay posted for pics of me in the VS gear that i bought today. expect it later this month.

2)  Coffee + alcohol = emergency trip to visit the loo.

3)  Now that my "health scare" is over i should probably stop self-medicating with homemade chocolate chip cookies and get my increasingly jiggly ass to the gym.

4) i am in need of more Booty Shakin' Sweat Drippin' gym music.

5)  having a vagina isn't all Hollywood and Glamour like people would have you believe.

6)  i can't wait for HBO's take on the Song of Fire and Ice series... time ta get mah Nerd on.

7)  i feel sooooo much sexier now that i have pink and teal hair. something about having cotton candy hair makes me feel like a Goddess of Temptation. now if i could only fit into my skinny skinny jeans...

8)  it dawned on me today that i only have 2 more months left in Georgia until i'll be whisked away to Maryland. I'm excited to leave, but i'm really going to miss the incredible people that i've met here. Carina, Kristy; i think i'll miss you two most of all.

9)  All you kids in Austin with guns need to calm the f*ck down. i have many many friends in that beautiful city and i need all of them to stay very much alive. kthnxbai.

10)  i typed "random" into the images search on bing.com and out of all the pictures that popped up; these two are my favorites. Leave a comment and let me know which one you vote for.

everyone's got problems

mine just seem to want to eat me.

which i don't think will be any fun for them, as i probably taste like turkey omelettes and a lot of coffee. also, i feel pretty hollow and empty inside so i'm not sure how satisfying of a meal i would make.

where did "decency" go? mutual respect? honor? self respect? honesty?

why do people do the things they do. why do they go the places they go? why do they allow themselves to be acted upon, instead of having the proverbial balls to stand up and say "no, this is probably innappropriate".

i don't think i've done anything wrong here; yet here i stand, typing this out, my stomach grumbling, my heart so heavy, feeling so ugly and like a villian and a curse to others.


where did i go wrong? why am i not enough?

i wish i could be the person that others feel i should be but i just can't. i couldn't do that to myself and still respect myself. i've made choices NOT to do things because it wouldn't be right. not for myself, not for my marriage, and not for my son. i can't possibly be blamed for that.


so why do i feel like i'm the one that's done something wrong? all i did was keep my nose clean, and devote all my love and attention to my husband and our son. 


it's not my fault. it can't be my fault.


i'm so tired but i can't sleep.
i'm standing on the edge of something much too deep.
it's funny how i feel so much
but cannot say a word.
well i am screaming inside but i can't be heard.

good idea/bad idea. no, good idea/great idea!

here are some Brain Jewels that i've been mining for a little while now.
Subject: simple tricks to improve your quality of life.

Problem: Someone calls you who you never want to talk to ever again.
Solution: Throw on a Fake Finnish Accent and ask them how their halibut are doing with mating in captivity.



Problem: Someone comes to your door, ringing your doorbell while your baby is sleeping, asking if you want to buy 15 magazine subscriptions because they're raising funds for Children With Overly Hairy Faces.
Solution: Suddenly develop an acute case of Tourettes Sydrome and ask "how many WISCONSIN SHIT FORK magazines sub-WANKER-BEAN-DIP-scriptions would it take to make a MOTHER FLAKING BALLS SCROTUM difference?" Also, stare at their left ear. The entire time.


Problem: Crackheads ask you for money to feed their respective habits while you're on your way to your favorite lunching spot.
Solution: The Atomic Wedgie, though a tad childish, is still an INTENSELY effective defensive mechanism for warding off individuals with aggresive/annoying behavior. Apply one of those, then skip away yelling "i fed your CRACK addiction, i fed your buttCRACK addiction!!"


Problem: Dusting.
Solution: Apply masking ta...no, duct tape to your entire epidermis. don't be afraid to reeeeally get into the nooks and crannies. that will collect and effectively contain the flaky nasties peeling away from your person on the daily. So apply, wait 24 hours, snip it off, disgard, and start again!! It's such a simple answer to the whole feather-dusting drudgery.

Feel free to comment with your success stories after trying my methods.



Next Segment; My Kid Is Funny.

Case 1: Today I was singing Old McDonald Had A Farm to Ronin in the bathtub. I got to the "with an AARF AARF here" for the dog, and he starts looking around the bathroom for the puppy that must have been making that sound.

Case 2: Today I decided on yogurt as Ronin's after-dinner snack. His preferred method of eating it was to hold the pasta strainer, spin around in 3 circles, then walk drunkenly-esque over to me with his baby guppy mouth chomping for the spoon. Soo cute. Epically messy.


what else what else....


OMG Lauren Froderman was on an Episode of Glee as one of the girls in Aural Intensity!!! woot! love me some Lo-Fro.


the Barbies that Mattel is pumping out are way too skinny. 1993 Barbie had a shapely physique. I had high hopes about growing up into a Barbie hourglass shape of my own. Today's Barbie looks like a pre-pubescent 9 year old boy. Stick thin legs, yet an argueably startlingly ample rack. What does this say to me?
"oh, cool, happy 5th birthday Macey, now forget about having cake and ice cream. actually, forget about ever eating ever again. and save your allowance for boob implants because you won't have the energy to grow them yourself."

They should make a Childhood Diabetes Kelly doll. Maybe a Heart Disease Ken doll. or a Morbidly Obese Barbie doll. something that would paint a more complete picture about what's going on in America.

Also. I lost 67 pounds. IT CAN BE DONE. anyone can do it. A-N-Y-O-N-E   C-A-N   D-O   I-T. so please please please if you are overweight and unhealthy, look around to the people that love you, and look inside and find your own strength. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN DO IT!! you only get ONE LIFE, you only get ONE BODY. Live, Live well, and LIVE LONG!! also prosper.


and i'm too tired to convince my brain that it should still be functioning enough to write more.

Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.  I think that if i could be any animal I would be a bat. I like to be upside down. I found out how to do an easier headstand and i'm in love with the blood rushing to my noggin.

2.  I have no toothpaste in the house. Which wouldn't have been such a big a deal if i hadn't had that emergency ice cream sundae after dinner. oops.

3.  I also have no corkscrew. I tried to man-handle the cork out of the bottle of Cabernet sovingnon (probably botched that spelling) but all i ended up with was a bruised and throbbing thumb. ugh. tipsy fail.

4.  i should really be asleep right now. i may die from lack of sleep. at least i'm back home where my Coffee Pot lives. Oh how i love my Coffee Pot.



toodles y'all. Hope you enjoyed ze read.

slow down, uterus.

it is way too early for morning sickness. i mean, i don't even know if my Eggo is Preggo or not, yet.

all i know is that for the last three days i've been very nauseated in the morning and sometimes into the afternoon.

i tried cutting out my morning coffee, still felt like barfing.
i tried cutting out my morning vitamins, still felt like blowing chunks.

so here are my guesses:

1. I have a stomach virus that somehow magically disappears in the afternoon.
2. I have been knocked up with some very eager sperm that is chomping at the bit to get my pregnancy hormones swirling and my breakfast twirling into the toilet.

i may have been knocked up twice, judging by how icky i've felt the last three days. perhaps i've been invaded by twins? time will tell.

The Countdown Until Krista Pees On A Stick:

Eleven days.

but i may cheat and have my blood drawn and tested when i take my WonderBoy Ronin in for his 1 Year appointment at the hospital.

it's so fun being a woman.


but i feel like there's a tad too much vomit and blood involved in having two X chromosomes.

that's just me.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1. i need a new hobby. i finished all my sudoku books, i counted and rolled Mike's penny collection, and my toes are neatly pedicured. dot dot dot. now what? thumb twiddle. question mark.

2. it is decided that i enjoy typing out emoticons instead of making them. smiley face. winky face. kissy face. oh the joy.

3. had a Grilled Krista (without the pepperoni) at 9:30 and almost immediately regretted the decision to eat it.

4.  Ronin walked around Walmart today holding a kiwi. he was scared of it because it's furry, at first, but Mike touched it and held it out for him, and Ronin grabbed it and didn't let it go. he showed it to several ladies doing their grocery shopping, then spotted me and ran to me holding it out in front of him. we ended up buying it. i love my boy!

5. i need to start stretching more. that's it.


goodnight everyone.

winky face.

survey says...

so i decided to do one of those surveys that's floating out in cyber space.

i've got my headphones on, my itunes set to my current favorite songs (mostly from the Glee soundtracks, some Florence and The Machine, and i admit, a little Britney Spears), and one of my cats curled up at my feet.

it's go time.

Krista's Dumb Survey That I Found Floating About Wildly In CyberSpace:

1. What's your most favorite bumper sticker you've ever seen? It had 4 deformed smiley faces on it and it read "Discourage Inbreeding, Ban Country Music".  Kristen Rains knows what I'm talking about. We were 14ish and it was about the funniest thing we'd ever seen. I have yet to see one that tops it in both shock value and mirth.

2. Do you sing in the shower? Often and Poorly. Also I hold conversations with myself. I have to. If i get too bored i end up just standing there letting the water roll over me as i fall deeper and deeper into a vegetative state. that's how zombies are REALLY created.

3. Are you guilty of showing to much PDA? Don't be ridiculous. I hug and kiss and tiny-hump with reckless abandon. Why, just tonight i groped my husbands man-boobs quite vehemently at a Going Away/Get Together/Barbeque at a friend's house. I have no shame. Life is too short to be embarassed about cupping your husbands junk in public. Not that I do. Well, not that often anyways.

4. What's the best smell in the world?  My little baby boy after he's had Bathtime. He's all full of joy and reeks of Johnson's baby detergent or whatever it's called and it's just magical. Love my boy.

5. Which of your current friends have you known the longest? oh sheesh. um.... That'd be my JESSICA!!!she's about as goofy as i am, and that's what makes her a rock star.

6. Do you say Ca-RI-bbean or Carib-BE-an? RI. what a stupid question. who screens these?

7. Do you drip-dry after a shower/bath? No. i am not a dog. nor am i a wildebeest. also, i am not a child, raised by wolves, living amongst the lush flora of the tropics. i have a humongous bath SHEET, not towel, that i wrap around and around my person upon exiting the Cleansing Portal.

8. For toilet paper: Do you wad or fold it before use? I believe that we should Hybrid-itize everything. Therefore, i do both. i also charge my toilet paper, as well as fill it with premium gasoline. it's all about taking those baby steps towards a greener lifestyle.

9. What's the best animal to sing about in Old McDonald? WOMBATS. hands down. without a doubt. it just gets a tad tricky when you get to the part where you have to sing about the sound they make.... They definitely do not say "wombat wombat" as i have been informed.  i still hold that they might. it's not impossible; therefore it should not be discounted.  I'm not about to label wombats as lesser creatures that can't even say their own names.

10. If you could paint your room any way you want it, what would it look like? it would look like the inside of Candy Mountain. Complete with lickable paint. The Schnauzberries taste like Schnauzberries.

11. Have you ever flipped off your mother or father? never. I do not want to die.

12. Which of your closest friends would be easiest to date?  oh. um.... sheesh. uh.... MY HUSBAND!!!!! again, stupid question. i WILL smack you upside da hed.

13. Which of your closest friends would be hardest to date? ugh. this survey was clearly manufactured for 13 year olds. no offense to any 13 year old readers that i might possibly have out there in InterwebLand.

14. Do you have a favorite pair of underwear?  Absolutely i do. they're white (because white is my favorite...shade... to wear) and they have lace and little bows on the hips and say stuff all over them. i'd write what they say, but i can't remember and my Naughties Drawer is all the way over there and my bed is sooo comfy....

15. If so, what do they look like? oh. oops. um, let's just say you didn't skip number 14 because you were bored to thick, bloody tears.

16. Do you always use your turn signal? yes. so much in fact that i am becoming that Old Inept Woman Driver that leaves her turn signal on as she drives down the road, under the speed limit, not turning or having any intention to turn.

17. Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? ooh. i have actually. maybe... 4 years ago? i'd never played before and i wanted to check it off of my bucket list. it got a little weird. we had the rule that the bottle landed where it landed, and you had to kiss the person it landed on, even if it was same sex. and there had to be tongue. and it had to be at least 3 seconds. oddly enough, the guys attacked it with gusto when it landed on another guy. it's always more fun when everyone commits, i suppose. winky smiley face.

18. Have you ever dated someone that your closest friend didn't approve of? dude, who cares.

19. Can you do a cartwheel? Hell yeah I can do a cartwheel. What kind of un-American theiving thug bunny-killer do you think i am? Of course i can do a f*cking cartwheel.

20. What time is it?  it always is and forever will be Hammer Time. Can't touch this. I'm too legit.

21. Do you ever check surveys for correct spelling and grammar? Life is also too short to worry about spelling and grammar when you're posting a survey just for shytes and giggles on your blog page that you keep up to entertain, and not make millions of dollars from. Also Capitalization. i'll make big letters when i FEEL like making big letters.

22. Did it bother you I ended a question with a preposition? Screw you and your preposition. though i admit that at first my brain read the word "proposition" and that i was puzzled for a moment thinking "hey,.... i didn't see any proposition..."

23. Do you know what a preposition is? A preposition is where you get too damn lazy to think of another thought provoking question so you start lecturing us all on parts of speech with a "holier than thou" attitude that is not appreciated and will no longer be tolerated. I'm going to find your house and write the word FART on all of your windows with superglue and gummy bears. you're welcome for the Permanent Delicious Treat.

24. Type of internet connection? i have one. why does it matter. doesn't just about everyone have cable these days? does anyone still dial up? leave me a comment if you do and i will send you a check so that you can have normal interwebs like the rest of us, you poor dears.

25. Did you ever play in boxes as a kid?  YES!!! we cut out windows and hung Fabric Scrap Curtains and drew furniture on the inner walls in chalk and just had the best time. screw these thousand dollar playhouses kids have nowadays. cardboard boxes are the shit.

26. Do you know anyone who doesn't like chocolate? my poor future sister in law Crystal. she's allergic. i weep for all that she's missing. although, she's hella skinnier than i am. so maybe i should find some Chocolate Death Allergic pills and get me some I-May-Die-If-I-Eat-This-Cheesecake in me.

27. What's the longest time you've gone without shaving your legs? let's see.... how many months was i pregnant and alone because my hubby was deployed overseas? that's right. enough to make my Razor try to dive into the toilet to avoid the Shear Terror (pun!) that was sure to ensue when i finally decided that the nurses at the hospital would probably not appreciate having to run their fingers through my leg-hair while delivering my child.

28. Which finger is your favorite?  -- i confess i made up this question. the other one was intolerable. let's see. favorite finger. gonna have to say my left thumb. it's proportionally my slimmest digit, and i broke it when i was 9 and it clicks and sticks now. it's special. we're friends. *tiny finger embrace*

29. Have you ever said something because you thought it was funny, but right after you say it you wish you hadn't? yes, but i usually follow it up with "wow this humble pie is delicious" or "i need some toast for this toe jam that i have stuck between my teeth as a result of having shoved my entire foot into my oral cavity". and that cancels out my audible faux pax and gets me off the hook. win.

30. What does subpoena mean? it means that i am also going to super glue my fingernail clipping from the last year to your bedroom floor. congratulations. Nail Clippings Carpet. enjoy.

31. Did you think about going to dictionary.com to look it up? i thought about also adding ketchup to your shower head so that you get a nice surprise tomorrow when you get in the shower to wash off your daily amassing of Stupid and Shame.

32. When was your last date? PreValentine's day, which is when the CUSTERS properly celebrate love and togetherness. but that's another story for another day. or maybe not. it gets a little icky. Mike know's what i'm talking about. there was definitely vomit involved. and duck pancakes. i'm serious. duck pancakes.

33. How many MySpace friends do you have? haha, zero. not even Tom wants to be my friend. but i do have 450 friends on Facebook. feel free to find and add me, readers. smiley face. i'd love to have you!

34. Have you ever peed in the shower? yes. as Nemo said, all drains lead to the ocean. so... actually no, then. because technically i'm peeing in the ocean. and they thought BP was the one killing plankton or whatever it was. Algae? who cares. i'm over it. on to the next disaster.

35. Can you count to 20 in Spanish? claro que si. y yo soy una Chola, y te voy a matar. so there.

36. Anything really odd turn you on? when i walk around in a little undershirt and my Cheeky Power Undies. it makes me feel sexy. which is saying something because mostly i just feel like a gelatenous blob of eww.

37. How do you hold the steering wheel when you're driving? 10 and 2. because i am an adult.

38. How would you describe your high school experience in exactly 5 words? Dancing concerts eat discovery unicorns. whew. Go ME!!!

39. Is Alex Trebek the smartest man alive? negative. my Daddy is!!

40. What celebrity do you look most like? I've heard Meryl Streep. you decide:

41. How often do you change your MySpace song? about as often as i play my records or put on my poodle skirt.
42. How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4. which i know is kind of scant for a woman. i need some sandals...

43. Are your earlobes attached or unattached? swinging so fancy free....

44. Did you just touch an ear to check? ugh. yes. you got me. is this survey over yet? i don't think i'll ever do this again.

45. Which is grosser: finger hair or toe hair? toe hair most definitely. it incubates all day in sweaty feet juices which adds to the repulsion. although finger hair is also far from sexy. SHAVE YOUR HANDS, ROBERT PATTINSON. no one wants to see your gorilla knuckles caressing ANYONE.

46. What time is it now? Hammer Time. don't make me tell you again.

47. How much ice do you put in your drinks? none. i have no patience for ice. it's never on my side. it blocks the flow of liquid from entering my mouth, and then it gangs up on me and jumps me when i'm not expecting it at the end of my drinking experience.

48. How often do you floss? maybe once a week. i'm a model citizen.

49. Does lip gloss really "pop?" Once when i was 12 i wrote "no body likes me, everybody hates me, i guess i'll just go home and commit suicide" on my desk because i was tired of being teased and crying every day, and the next day the teacher called me up to her desk and yelled at me for it. which did not help things. bottom line; if you run across a child writing or saying things like that, MAYBE you should take it SERIOUSLY. maybe they'd have less mental issues as adults and they wouldn't feel the urge to vomit everytime after they ate.

50. Do you watch the Super Bowl just for the commercials? guilty. unless the Broncos are playing. the Texans will get there eventually. i firmly believe in Texas football. except the stupid cowboys.

51. Do you know anyone who is Canadian? MYYYYY SHELLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and if she's not... then... she wants to be? i dunno. I'm sorry Shelly, i've wanted to give you a shout-out this whole survey and we got to this one and you were the first person i thought of!! Love ya! and thanks for the idea to do a survey. i'm having fun! and hopefully my readers are too...

52. Do you have a farmer's tan? HA!! no. i have Mama's tan. which is NO tan. not even old tan lines. it's been almost 2 years since i've been outside to sunbathe. sigh. i'd call my color "eggshell white".

53. Do you like licking the sticky part of the envelope? only if it's sweet. but i've switched to tape. i'm afraid of anthrax. yes. still.

54. Which foot hits the floor first when you get out of bed? the tired one.

55. Who was the US's only bachelor President? Obama!! oh, you didn't say Frat Boy? sorry. my bad. shouldn't just skim over the questions before i answer them.

56. What's your favorite Tom Hanks movie? i like the one where he plays a hunter/gatherer hippie that develops multiple personality disorder and then travels to the future where his woman is married to someone else and life sucks all the way around. i think it was called "WILLLLLLSSSSOOOOOONNNNNNNN!!!".
 
 
 
well, i hope y'all enjoyed that. i'm going to go downstairs and saw off my left leg because it's just about to murder me with pain until i die from it. also i'm thirsty. leave comments!
 
and get to sleep yourselves. President's day only comes once a year, after all.

Merrily Moving to Maryland

i had a lot of things in mind to write about when i sat down a few minutes ago, but now that i'm trying to get it all typed out i feel like i've been lobotomized.

i tried for a few posts to write with correct grammer and punctuation and junk, but all that attention to detail is just exhausting, and i don't have the patience or the energy.

what i DO have the energy for, however, is rockin' my body to old-school N*Sync and Backstreet boys today. maybe some B-Spears.  the show Glee needs to do a boy-band episode. and i'm not talking dumbass bieber or jonas brothers.  i wanna see some authentic New Kids On The Block. i wanna shake my Right Stuff as they sing about it.  they did a Britney episode.... where is my Justin Timberlake? i guess they just need to hire me and pick my brain for music selections.

in other news; i told myself that i'd wait until i hit 130 lbs before i dyed my hair again, but here i am at 136 with freshly dyed hair. the box says it's "light ash brown". it promises that its beige tones will "subdue red or orange tones" so here's hoping that when it dries it will look better, because right now it's lookin' a hot mess and it's terrifying.

i decided to jump the proverbial gun with my hair because i figure that any day now i'll be knocked up, and "they" frown upon copious amounts of chemicals in/on/around the body in the first trimester. and i don't want to have a freak offspring.

Big News: The Flexible One is moving to Maryland. i repeat; Maryland. what.... is in.... Maryland. if i'm not mistaken it's a teensy tiny state that can be driven across in a matter of 3 hours or so. sigh. someday i'll be living in a state that takes DAYS to drive across again. someday. i think i'll do some research to see what MD has to offer me in the way of merriment and entertainment. the only point of reference i have for that state is an odd girl that transferred to my elementary school in 4th grade or so named Jade. and for a 4th grader, she was an awfully practiced habitual liar. hopefully she was just one of a kind and the rest of the Marylanders (as i assume they are called) are decent individuals.

i've decided that i need to be more neighborly. i made some chocolate fudge cupcakes with fresh vanilla cream cheese frosting from scratch a week ago to give to our new neighbors two doors down. yesterday i saw more new neighbors moving into the townhome three doors down. and as soon as Mike and the WonderBoy wake up, i figure i'll throw on a decent outfit and take over a plate of the double chocolate chunk cookies that i made last night over there. hehe. don't you wish you were my neighbor? my next neighbors better watch out; i'm bringin' the baked goods. their waistlines are 'bout to explode.

gotta make myself feel skinnier somehow.

speaking of which, i'm wriggling into my pre-pregnancy jeans more easily these days. i put them on yesterday and i didn't even have to spray my theighs down with Pam to help them slide on. my poor belt, though. it was working it'sself to the bone yesterday.  also, several times after bending down to scoop up the Super Baby i had to check to make sure that my chubby cheeks hadn't ripped through the seat of my distressed pants.

in other news; i'm fairly sure that i'm probably definitely already pregnant. i'm still crying every day over songs that i hear, and i'm all emotional and junk. hmm. i'll keep y'all posted on the Spawn-o-meter. i'm clocking in at a rating of Hormonal-yet-too-early-to-pee-on-a-stick. at tepid 4.5 on the Knocked Uppometer.


i just stretched to the side to pop my back and started blacking out. let's go get a drink of water....


My Favorite Things Today:

1) Loose pants. my legs and ass are tired from being so tightly confined in size 3 jeans all day yesterday when they've been conditioned to live in a nice, comfy, roomy size 6.

2) My boys, of course. and let's pretend that i put this as number 1. i'd go back and change it but i'm just so lazy today.

3) i got Mike something pretty neat for Valentine's day. which we are celebrating early, tomorrow. he might think it's dumb, but i got a pretty good kick out of it. more to follow.

4) Lady Gaga's new song Born This Way. it's empowering; i don't care who you are, how you live, who you love, it's an anthem for being true to yourself and loving who you are. give it a listen: http://www.ladygaga.com/bornthisway/?utm_source=GagaFBv2&utm_medium=Link&utm_campaign=BTWSingle

5) i finally found (thanks to Mike) a song that sings about cake. it's the song in the credits for a game called Portal. i am determined to learn it so i can sing it all the time to his chagrin. he will rue the day he tried to get me to play his stupid video games. muah hahahahaha!

6) i've discovered that instead of going out and buying one of those circular thera-bands to work out with, i can use one of these rubber-hairbands that slips off of my impossibly cone-shaped head. it works just as well and now i finally have a use for them.

7) Mike wants to name our next kid Teva if it's a girl. i love the name Esmerie and he hates it. i'm willing to concede to naming her Tevva Esmerie, if we spell it with two Vs.

8)  Dog Days Are Over by Florence and The Machine.

9)  Suck-'Em-In-Extra-Skin/Fat-Support shirts. cuz even little ladies need some help in the tummy department after losing 66 pounds.

10) Dancing around the living room with wild abandon to upbeat songs that you went through puberty to.



leave me some love, y'all. and enjoy yourselves.

"no matter gay, straight, or bi, transgendered life, you're on the right track baby; you were born this way!"

give yourself a hug, and know that at the end of the day, you are MORE than enough.

Bastard Mini-blinds had it comin'

I'm becoming more and more like my husband every day.

Today I broke nay, shattered, the second set of mini-blinds in our apartment within two weeks. The first set i sic'd the vacuum on. This set I took out with sheer brute force. I guess I just felt like flexing The Hounds otherwise known as my beastly forearms. Anyway. They had it coming.

Kept giving me the stank eye.


Internet scammers are stupid.

I put up a post on Craigslist in hopes of selling the $6,400 dollar diamond ring that I got stuck paying for 4 years ago, and the only responses I've gotten have been from dumbasses that are trying to get one over on me.

Since WHEN do WOMEN offer to buy a ring advertised for $5000 MORE than the asking price for a "dear friend", and need it shipped overseas, and they always ask for my PayPal account and never give a shipping address. Dumb. Just how stupid do you have to be to get suckered into getting your money stolen on the interwebs...

I just wish someone that was ACTUALLY interested in buying the ring would email me.


anywho.

I dunno. I thought about doing a full-out post, but I'm just too tired. My Perfect Darling Angel Child had a hard day today which translates to me holding him most of the day so I'm bushed.

Like two birds.


Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1.) The superbowl is stupid. I miss football. Actual. Football. College ball. High School ball. I miss when it was exciting and junk and not about over-the-top pageantry and commercials and commentary. Blood, sweat, and that Hometown feeling. sigh.

2.) Forget pet brushes; my run-of-the-mill hair comb works better for taming my little lions' fur.

3.) Today Ronin got to be Spock. He hurt his little fingers and the way I bandaged them up made him look like he was telling people to "live long and prosper" all day.

4.) Two people told me that I look skinny today. And they're not related to me. Win.

5.) I ate healthy food at the superbowl party today. By default. Ronin wanted to play with the veggies, but he wouldn't eat them; he instead put them in my mouth and laughed while I ate them. Then he stole the fried mozzarella cheese stick out of my hand and ate it before I could get more than one bite in. What a sweet boy, helping mama stay skinny.

6.) Damn that Kardashian woman and her impossibly perky perfect body. No one can live up to that physical standard. Well, no one who's name is Krista Custer who's had a kid and whose skin is riddled with deep purple stretch marks. Did I just make you throw up a little bit?

7.) I've decided, after watching it non-stop this Saturday, that I am officially a Gleek and will be watching the show for the forseeable future.

8.) I think I'm ready for menopause. Mood swings are one of God's cruelest jokes. That and the poor platypus. The kids at school must have really had a field day making fun of him.

9.) I wish my hair would grow faster. I wish it were more like that of a football player's hair; long, flowing, majestic.

10) It must be terrible to be a janitor that works after the superbowl ends. All that confetti. All that glitter. All that spilled beer. All that puke...

When I Grow Up I Think I'll Be...

I've been thinking a lot about what I'd like to do when I decide it's time to go back into the "actually pays money" workforce.

I mean, I LOVE being a full-time mommy and all, but getting paid in Soggy Diapers and Booger Slime Nose Surprise kind of gets a little.... "not money"-ey sometimes.

And I have big plans for the dinero sitting in my bank account, all lonely and forgotten. It needs to be added to, eventually, so that I can achieve those dreams.

But I digress.

Here are the options I've come up with so far:

1) Bouncer/Fight Breaker Upper on a "Spoiled Rich Girl Learns Life Lessons" reality show. This might just be the easiest job in the world. When they start screaming at each other over "who drank who's boxed wine" and throwing marinara sauce on each other, I'd hop in there and dominate. They may fight back, but they couldn't possibly expect to win or even hurt me. These girls have ZERO muscular strength from refraining from all manual labor more strenuous than sexting their boyfriends. And even if they did try to scrap with me, the fight would be over the minute I scuffed their Jimmy Choos or broke one of their nails. Or pulled out their fake hair tracts. Although I'd probably throw some good punches their way anyway to help them learn that "violence doesn't solve your boxed wine crisis". They wouldn't stand a chance against me. I lift my 20 pound Wonder Son all day; I'm a veritable beast.  Bottom Line: Someone's gotta keep those whiny anorexic bitches in check.

2) Camera Woman/ Technician for any "Survivor" type reality show.  I'd be all up the wilderness, filming these starved, half crazed, game players, GRUBBIN' ON MASS AMOUNTS OF CHEESEBURGERS. There's really no rhyme or reason as to why I want this job, other than my desire to do it for the irony. I want to watch these people's faces as I stand there filming them, deliberately chewing ever so slowly on a double decker extra bacon cheesy cheesy cheeseburger. With fries. Maybe a cherry turnover. And definitely a cupcake. Maybe two.

Which brings me to my third and most coveted position of...

3) Cake Taste-Tester/Judge on ANY Baking reality show. I WANT THIS JOB most of all. Imagine, me, sitting on a cozy little stool, cuddled up to plate after plate of delicate, moise, expertly prepared and cleverly presented cake...
O. M. Geezus it would be perfect. Devil's Food, Italian Cream, Southern Lemon.... the list goes on and on. And so does the string of drool from my chin. I know what you're thinking. "But Krista, you like ALL kinds of cake; and the job is to judge the good and bad of the Caking World; wouldn't you just say that they're all wonderful?"
To that I say, not so. Every 8th plate of cake, or so, I'd act completely disgusted and enraged by whatever slice of red velvet just happened to be the unlucky victim of my rage. I'd raise Cain, throwing the unsuspecting cake to the floor, stomping it to all smithereens, then using the plate it came on to beat the poor baker's kneecaps in and bite off his or her ear; thereby securing my job for the future, and cementing my reputation as The Authority On All Things Delicous And Of Cake.



So those are the Fields of expertise that I'm looking into. Let me know which one you'd chose, and which one you think I would thrive in the best.


In other news, my kid is being kind of funny this week. He's trying....new things.

Ronin's Top Seven New Actions That Make Me Laugh:

1. I keep finding him pulling out little pieces of carpet and quickly trying to shove them in his mouth to eat them before I can stop him.

2. Ditto for cat food. The cats knock a few pieces out of their bowl and he has amazing homing-device-like ability when it comes to locating and eating the renegade Ocean Delight nuggets. Sometimes, I'm not fast enough and he ends up successfully eating the cat food. I guess it must be good because he keeps going back for more.

3. I have the coffee table pushed up flush with the couch. He "tap dances" on the coffee table, then dives face first into the couch cushions. This cracks him up. He does it again and again; it's our new favorite game.

4. He attempts to do somersaults on the floor. He gets his head down on the carpet, one hand on either side, and straightens his legs putting his little booty high up in the air. He teeters precariously from side to side for a while, and then kind of flops limply to one side. He'll be the next Paul Hamm.

5.  When I have the refrigerator open he runs over and takes the lettuce out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in, and takes it out, and puts it back in...

6.  If I hand him anything soft (blanket, pillow, stuffed animal, Pillow Pal, jacket...) he holds it up to his cheek and cuddles it, melting into it until he's in the Fetal Position just grinning away and cuddling his Soft Thing. This goes for our cats too, if they make the mistake of getting within arm's reach of him.

7. Ronin likes to "pet" me now. I taught him how to gently pet our cats; to caress them instead of pulling their fur, and I guess he thinks that the same goes for Mama. He sits in my lap and strokes my shin. He'll kind of rub the side of my face if I'm holding him. I love it. It's as if he's saying "there's a good mommy. Sweet Mommy. Nice Mommy."


Thanks for reading! Don't forget to comment so that I know which path to take my career in.

the importance of paying attention

i have learned, after a series of follies, that paying attention is important.

paying attention would have saved me from a lot of grief, worry, disgust, and sadness. but alas, i'm a tad on the ADD side of sears, so the following bulletpoints illustrate what i have learned from NOT paying attention to my own life's events.

1) It Is Important To Pay Attention While Eating Nutellapples:

When I was pregnant, my favorite treat was a green apple, sliced, and smothered in Nutella. I would cut little wedges off of the apple, smother, and devour. It wasn't until I was about 8 months along, and was halfway through my 17th or so Nutellapple, that I decided to look at the apple that i was eating as I sliced it. I was shocked to discover that this particular apple only had a half of a sticker on it. A minute or so later, after the implication of my finding had sunk in properly, my jaw dropped. I realized that in my blind feeding frenzy that I had eaten the other half of the sticker. I further deduced that I had eaten roughly 16 apple stickers before this fateful one. I began wondering if the ingested stickers would have any affect on my growing child.... maybe that's why he bites me so much now. Perhaps to him, the Child of a Sticker Muncher, i look like a giant sticker that must be munched.

2) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Where The Barf Goes When Your Son Throws Up On You: 

Today Ronin was so excited to be getting in the car that he sounded off with a full-body-squeal and promptly threw up everywhere. I began to panic, and as a result became unaware as to where the vomit had landed. Here I am, three hours later, still trying to find where the "barf smell" is coming from. I've washed my face, my chest, my arms, changed my shirt, changed his shirt, changed his pants twice, washed his skin and yet... the "barf smell" lingers. I may never find the elusive source of this evil aroma. This is the price I pay.

3) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Math While Making Coffee:

I stumbled down the stairs this morning, half asleep, with son in tow, and made myself a pot of Liquid Life. Little did I know that it would taste like Drink of Death. (Ha! Alliteration.) I gathered my Powers Of Concentration against the barage of the screeches, wiggles, kicks to the boobs and slaps to the chest and face that were imminating from my son and began scooping coffee grounds into the filter. I must have passed out or gone into a trance or Autopilot or something, because the next thing I knew I was shutting the lid on the top of Mr. Coffee and watching his dark black drippings collect in my pot.  My early-mornng-zombie brain didn't pay attention to the drastic change in the usual shade. All my detection equipment up there read "Looks Good To Me" and "Must Hurry And Drink Coffee To Survive" so I poured myself a cup, mixed in my creamer and began to gulp. I managed to suppress my disgust well enough that I only let out a "tiny gag" upon discovering that I should have counted to FOUR while scooping, and not the TWENTY THREE that somehow managed to magically fit into the coffee filter.

4) It Is Important To Pay Attention To Your Water Glass When Your Cat Is Fresh From The Litter Box:

My aptly named cat, Mischief, likes to drink out of my water glass. Specifically, he likes to use his litter box, leap out, hop onto the coffee table,  find my water glass, bat at the water with his litter-ridden paw, and then lean in and drink it quickly before i swat him away. I usually catch him in the act and toss that water glass, or I am able to deflect him and prevent him from getting to my precious water altogether. Until one fateful day. I wasn't paying attention. He must have gotten to it. I raised my glass to my lips, took a swallow or two and noticed that it tasted...off.  I lowered the glass and looked inside. It was smoky, cloudy, and had litter bits in the bottom. I once again summoned my Powers of Concentration and made it to the sink before I started heaving. I now pay very close attention to my water glass in order to prevent Mischief from making Litter Water for me.


5 Small Things I Did Today:

1)  Allowed Ronin to run amock pantsless for most of the day. It just seemed like a good day to be naked.

2) Let Ronin run amock at walmart; watched him make friends and help one of their friendly sales associates with his work. Now that Ronin has a job at walmart, let's see him pay some bills. *Note: he WAS wearing pants in walmart.

3) Watched South Park. All day. I love me some Butters.

4) Managed to sneak in a shower this morning. It's been too long...

5) Got a new hair straightener, like my friend Carina's. And it's BITCHIN'.



Love, Peace, and Eeety Beety Meece.

More Letters to random... randoms.

Dear Walmart;
You are a fantastic location for going scavenger hunting. I have found many treasures in and around your "person". Thank you for the free can of Beefaroni that i found in your parking lot, as well as the 24 Hours Sober AA chip that i found on the floor in the express checkout lane.  It's like a dirtier, more AIDS-filled Easter egg hunt, in that i have to worry about dirt and AIDS in my discovered treasures. But hey, beggars can't be choosers.  Good thing my vaccinations are up to date.
A Scrappy Hunter,
Krista


Dear Leprosy;
Not today, please.
Thanks,
Krista


Dear "Ty Beanie Baby" Company:
Please stop injecting me at night with those little beans that you fill up your stuffed animals with. I do NOT enjoy being so lumpy and finding new grainy nodules all over my body.  I do not want to be Patsy the Pox-covered Platypus. 
Firmly,
Krista


Dear Liposuction;
I want to let you into my life; to allow you to suck out all my jibbly-bits. However, I'd have to sell a kidney in order to afford you and even though it IS weight i want to lose, I'd rather it not be from vital organs that I need to function. So, just be a cheap little bastard and sell yourself for less like the rest of the world's technological advances. I mean, come on. I can get a DVD player for like 10 bucks now, so why are you still MILLIONS of dollars? Get with the times. Come be my friend. Eat all my fat cells so that my butt doesn't tremble like Tokyo when Godzilla line-dances.
Puhlease?
Krista


Dear Extremely Hairy 40-Year-Old Gentleman,
Put. The Speedo. DOWN.
~Krista


Dear Lady that was Mean-Mugging me in the parking lot of the YMCA;
I did not appreciate you giving me the Stink-Eye today.  I realize that I must look like a hobo, driving a Chevy Malibu and all, and that you and your BMW can't be bothered with returning friendly smiles, but maybe you should pull that stick out of your hoity toity uppity ass, and thaw your frozen, black bitch-heart. I briefly considered keying your car, but i decided against it because i didn't want to sink to your ghetto-rich ways.
You're Welcome.
~Krista


Dear Stupid Army,
Quit taking my husband away from me. I don't like taking the trash down to the dumpster when it's this cold out.  Also i guess he's kind of funny or whatever.
Stop It.
Krista


Dear Cell Phone;
....... where are you? Are you dead? beep twice if you can read this....
Marco?
~Krista


Dear Yahoo Email Spam Fiends,
I do NOT want to participate in a short survey.  I am NOT interested in supporting Nigerian Princesses/Princes (especially when you write in ALL CAPS), and I do NOT want to "hook up" with your random plague infested prostitutes. Stop sending me stupid junk. Stop it or I will flood YOUR email with pictures of my cats.  And as cute as they are, i'm sure that after 4958574939576748894944 seperate cat emails, you WILL tire of them and wish death upon me.
Pbblllb,
Krista


Dear Sudoku,
I have defeated you. To be clear, I have finished all three of the sudoku puzzle books that my wonderful friends got me while i was trapped in the hospital, trying not to die, 10 months ago. Now I can get on with my life. Or at least, now I can try and have one.
Victory Is Mine!
Krista



Krista's Thoughts Before Bedtime:

1) Frozen Fiber One Yoplait Strawberry Yogurt is just plain delightful.

2) I hope i don't die in an embarassing way; i.e. from explosive diarrhea or the like.

3) I'm pretty super hungry. And I ate Nutella smothered Honey Teddy Grahams not to long ago...sigh.

4) I'm glad i pee sitting down. I don't think i'd have much luck hitting the toilet water with a penis. I just Do NOT have the eye-hand coordination for long-distance urination.

5) my son likes to cuddle Everything and it's the super-frickin-cutest thing i've ever seen. he takes this tiny stuffed bear, cradles it to the side of his face, leans towards it and rocks back and forth smiling like an angel. too cute. mostly i love that he throws his arms around my neck and snuggles and cuddles with ME. Selfishness Win!

6) Ronin's favorite new game is "run back and forth across the apartment while daddy jumps over the top of me and i giggle hysterically". again, too cute.

7) I took a trazodone to help me sleep the other night, and i woke up feeling like i'd been punched in the parietal lobe.

8) i'm ready to admit that having 8 bottles of lotion for myself is a tad over-the-top and ridiculous.

9) too hungry to have any thoughts other than cheesesteak sandwich.

10) cheesesteak sandwich.

Walmart people are terrifying

everytime i go to walmart here in Georgia, i die a little bit inside.

i lose more and more faith in humanity.

today while i was racing through the isles to get my eggs and hummus as quickly as possible, i heard something that if it had been said within hearing distance of a baby kitten would surely have killed it.

i was in the "housewares" section and i spotted a young, obvisously newly married couple picking out bathroom accessories. they were picking up this, and looking at that, and the husband commented "...don't really need one of these because you know we don't use hand soap."

oh. my. God.

it's people like this that are spreading the herpes-aids-gonorrhea-influenza-crabs-lupus-leukemia-chlamydia epidemic that is ravaging our poor pox-covered country.

it's these ignorant dirty individuals that are killing baby kittens. and making the Easter Bunny cry and the Tooth Fairy rip out her wings.


it's terrifying.

imagine a world where everyone touches everything at your local wal-mart with pee-fingers and feces-covered palms.

like i said, terrifying.

also, i'll have you know that i looked up the spelling for chlamydia and gonorrhea. i wanted to be sure to get it right. if we don't know how to truly spell the disease; how can we hope to fight it? or laugh at it?


so i've been really tired the last few days. my husband is convinced that he and i have mono. i'd like to disagree and tell him that he's wrong (because i'm the wife and that's my job), but i don't know enough about mono to discredit his diagnosis.

also, i've found more lumps. i found one in my thigh while i was on the elliptical at the gym, and it bummed me out so bad that i ended up just leaving. seems that the more weight i lose, the more nodules i seem to find once the fat is "cleared away".

yay. just another benefit of living a healthy life. finding more tumors. yaaaaaaaaaaaay. sigh. *i has a depress*.


maybe i'm a bad parent or whatever, but i kind of want to give my son a speech impediment. i think it would be awfully cute, him stumbling downstairs in the morning, rubbing his eyes and asking me for some "cerearr" or some "oatmearr", or "some derrishis eggs". so we make sure we turn all of our "L"s to "R"s so that we can teach him how to talk adorably.

also, having to hear no-talent-herpes-ridden Ke$ha makes me want to stab myself over and over with thousands of safety pins until it results in my death.


think about that, every inch of my body covered in painful spiky safety pins, bleeding itty bitty tiny blood bits until i lose enough that it kills me. a slow, painful ironic death. you know, because they're "safety pins" and all. he he.
 
 
Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
 
1. i found a can of Beefaroni on the pavement in the spot that i parked in today at Walmart; free Beefaroni! totally tossed it in the car before i headed inside. i'm not too proud to keep Walmart Pavement Reject Beefaroni. it's the Scrappy Homeless Bum in me.
 
2. i only ate 5 Raspberry Nutella Thumbprint Cookies tonight. instead of all 24. self-restraint win.
 
 
 
oh jeez, i can only think of two. i guess i should go upstairs and go to bed. better make sure i fold all the laundry and put it away first... don't want to "wake the dragon"...
 
love, peace, and hot pizza grease.