it's official; i have achieved my purpose in life. Ronin now DANCES. it's pretty much the best thing ever to witness. he does the Diaper Booty Bounce, the Joyful Foot Stomp, and Bend Ovah To Da Front and Touch/Drool On Ya Toes.
i clearly have a superior child.
in other news, my husband recently opened my eyes to a new definition of love. so yesterday, Mike decides to bare his soul to me and tells me that "our love is like a Turnip, in that they both exist". i found this to be incredibly funny; i randomly found myself convulsing and snorting for a good hour after that. i am his Love Turnip. and contrary to popular belief Turnips should NOT be juiced. it is painful. so no matter what my hubby says, he is not to be believed. and i am NOT to be juiced.
also. after much soul searching, i would like to break down and discuss why clowns are NOT funny and are, in fact, Scary Death Machines. my evidence is as follows.
Large Feet/Shoes: who decided that boat-feet are funny? just because someone can effectively navigate an ocean with only a small dinghy, half an oar, and their freak-flippers doesn't mean that their plight is humorous. surely this persecution makes them embarrassed, shameful and, over time, engulfed in a blinding murderous rage.
White Face Paint: last i checked, the white and pasty look belonged to the goths. it's not exactly the Make-Up of Levity. dead people are usually not instruments of mirth. usually.
Red Nose: are clowns sick? do they have the Swine Flu Syphillis Malaria Super Aids? well, they must because their schnauzes are always bulbous and rouge.
Crazy Colored Outfits: this may be the most sickening trait of all. these get-ups that the clowns wear- what with the stripes and the polka dots and the puffiness- are terrifying. there is just way too much going on. it's like Rainbow Brite (tm) was put into a Bear-sized blender, pureed, and then spewn onto coveralls with a snow blower.
Painted On Smile: how sick and twisted. these poor creatures are forced to appear happy. i don't know about you, but it makes it all the more disturbing seeing that bright red pseudo-grin when it's chasing me, mouth open, teeth gleaming in the sun, and a blood curdling screaching laugh hanging in the air.
so. Clowns = Definitely Terrifying and Never Funny.
Thoughts Before Bedtime:
1. if presented with the opportunity, i would like to fingerpaint with Nutella and Cherry Preserves. that way i could make a masterpiece AND lick my fingers clean. win-win.
2. butterscotch is only tasty when in melty chip or pudding form.
3. today my son's favorite activity was whining and squealing.
4. wow. how long has it been since i shaved my legs?.... hmm...
5. i have NO patience for people who try to patronize me. so i end up being snotty and short tempered with them on Facebook (tm) chat and then logging off. but i have NO regrets and and do NOT feel sorry about it. such people have been pissing me off for too long.
6. one month until i'm 26. so.... can i be done with acne already? i mean seriously. i haven't been a teenager for 7 years.
7. my intestines hurt.
8. Lucy Lawless is a Cylon.
9. the kittens are being extra snuggly today... i wonder what kind of shenanegans they are plotting....
10. the expression is "they had to have done that" and NOT "they had 2 OF done that". jeez people; stop being 'tards so we can understand what you're writing.
and remember, Meth is one hell of a drug.
Monday, August 9, 2010
Sunday, August 8, 2010
Aherm....
my readers are the BEST people in this whole wide world. and yes, that includes my future readers that don't know that they adore me quite yet.
Here is my theory on Opposites. specifically Orange Juice and Toothpaste.
you know how Up and Down are Opposites, and Left and Right, etc?
well, Orange Juice and Toothpaste are Opposites. and it's SOOO easy to tell. the combination of the two is the WORST taste sensation in this world. So that's how you know if two things are True opposites. If they are God Awful together. And don't even try to argue because SCIENCE or something.
and now, some heartfelt Letters that i've been meaning to write.
Dear Piece of Glass in the Bottom of my Foot:
As lovely and shiny as you are, I am glad that we've parted ways. it was prudent that we did. after all, all you were going to do was make me bleed more and keep me from putting tennis shoes on and going to the gym. i just wish you hadn't been such a sneaky devil. it was more difficult than i expected to dig you out with a pair of tweezers and some toenail clippers. please tell your friends to either pack up and leave, or be prepared to live out their natural lives under the stove because i will not tolerate another attempt on my life like this. i bid you adieu.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Cornbread,
i thought we talked about this. must we go through the same song and dance everytime that i bake you?? if you would just stop being so delicious then maybe i wouldn't find myself parked on the couch with my gut hanging out of my shorts, eating you with a spoon until there is nothing left in the baking pan but crumbs, guilt, and the tears of my defeat. we really need to reevaluate our relationship paradigm. this isn't healthy.
Oh hold on there's another piece still in the pan...
Krista
10 Reasons Why I Win At Today:
1. my hair may be falling out, but today, less hair fell out than usual. pitiful sad win.
2. Ronin was trying his damndest to Hoover (tm) a chunk of honeydew melon tonight, but i managed to keep him from getting all of it into his pie-hole and choking on it.
3. i didn't die today. and i didn't get peed on today. it's always a good day when the only urine you have to worry about seeing is your own.
4. i felt like punching my computer today because Georgia and ALL it's utilities companies are fucking rah-tards. but i didn't. so, yay for me having restraint and not being abusive to my most ... well, second most favorite piece of technology. sorry, my MintIfreshPod wins at that game.
5. i made some of the other mommies at the party tonight laugh. i may not be the purdiest, but i'm still a Social Butterfly!! maybe Social Moth would be more accurate. nope. no... Social Grasshopper. No. Social Locust. noooooooooooooooww we're talkin.
6. totally could have eaten the rest of the cornbread but i DIDN'T.
7. i'm down from a size 8 to a size 7. baby steps. shakey, jiggly, cellulitey baby steps.
8. i got a Full Body Bruise today. oh, oh, i mean massage. all my muscle-knots have been obliterated. although i will now be purple for the next 12 to 16 days. thanks Bethany!!!
9. my Knight in Shining Armor, Sir Mike found a HUGE piece of glass that was screaming for my blood and he picked it up and saved me from it's wrath. my hero!
10. i am not Paris Hilton. THANK GOD.
and i will try much harder to write more often!!! please send feedback/comments; i always love to hear from y'all.
Here is my theory on Opposites. specifically Orange Juice and Toothpaste.
you know how Up and Down are Opposites, and Left and Right, etc?
well, Orange Juice and Toothpaste are Opposites. and it's SOOO easy to tell. the combination of the two is the WORST taste sensation in this world. So that's how you know if two things are True opposites. If they are God Awful together. And don't even try to argue because SCIENCE or something.
and now, some heartfelt Letters that i've been meaning to write.
Dear Piece of Glass in the Bottom of my Foot:
As lovely and shiny as you are, I am glad that we've parted ways. it was prudent that we did. after all, all you were going to do was make me bleed more and keep me from putting tennis shoes on and going to the gym. i just wish you hadn't been such a sneaky devil. it was more difficult than i expected to dig you out with a pair of tweezers and some toenail clippers. please tell your friends to either pack up and leave, or be prepared to live out their natural lives under the stove because i will not tolerate another attempt on my life like this. i bid you adieu.
Firmly,
Krista
Dear Cornbread,
i thought we talked about this. must we go through the same song and dance everytime that i bake you?? if you would just stop being so delicious then maybe i wouldn't find myself parked on the couch with my gut hanging out of my shorts, eating you with a spoon until there is nothing left in the baking pan but crumbs, guilt, and the tears of my defeat. we really need to reevaluate our relationship paradigm. this isn't healthy.
Oh hold on there's another piece still in the pan...
Krista
10 Reasons Why I Win At Today:
1. my hair may be falling out, but today, less hair fell out than usual. pitiful sad win.
2. Ronin was trying his damndest to Hoover (tm) a chunk of honeydew melon tonight, but i managed to keep him from getting all of it into his pie-hole and choking on it.
3. i didn't die today. and i didn't get peed on today. it's always a good day when the only urine you have to worry about seeing is your own.
4. i felt like punching my computer today because Georgia and ALL it's utilities companies are fucking rah-tards. but i didn't. so, yay for me having restraint and not being abusive to my most ... well, second most favorite piece of technology. sorry, my MintIfreshPod wins at that game.
5. i made some of the other mommies at the party tonight laugh. i may not be the purdiest, but i'm still a Social Butterfly!! maybe Social Moth would be more accurate. nope. no... Social Grasshopper. No. Social Locust. noooooooooooooooww we're talkin.
6. totally could have eaten the rest of the cornbread but i DIDN'T.
7. i'm down from a size 8 to a size 7. baby steps. shakey, jiggly, cellulitey baby steps.
8. i got a Full Body Bruise today. oh, oh, i mean massage. all my muscle-knots have been obliterated. although i will now be purple for the next 12 to 16 days. thanks Bethany!!!
9. my Knight in Shining Armor, Sir Mike found a HUGE piece of glass that was screaming for my blood and he picked it up and saved me from it's wrath. my hero!
10. i am not Paris Hilton. THANK GOD.
and i will try much harder to write more often!!! please send feedback/comments; i always love to hear from y'all.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
"come on man, that was like three days ago. OR WAS IT?!?!?!?!"
i live in an utterly magical world. and i can prove it.
today i went to the gym. *in a hauty voice* no biggie, burned like 5,000,000,000 calories, did enough sit-ups that it would make Chuck Norris cry from shame and envy. you know, the usual. i spent about an hour and a half twisting my body into perfected muscley steel. after i was done assaulting the equipment, i gathered my things and walked out into the TORRENTIAL rain towards my car....
... and there it was.
lying on the ground, empty, flattened, and all alone. the huge Vodka bottle.
at this point i stopped and had myself a little Ponder.
"a vodka bottle? in the middle of the parking lot of the YMCA? wow Georgia. what a classy place you are. so i guess somebody just got severely blitzed, stumbled out of their car, polished off the bottle of vodka, threw it on the ground and said 'alright. NOW i'm ready for my yoga class and water aerobics'. well, actually, maybe that sounds a little badass. hmm. i guess it's only badass if they pulled off going to spin class without puking during it"
so there you are; proof that the world is still a mystical and amazing place.
in other news, i have my husband back from Iraq. this explains why i haven't really been writing anything and why i've been slacking more than Lazy VonSlothington. i've been a tad busy.
also, i've devised a plan. i now know what i'm going to do to beat the Evil People of the World should they decided to take over and carry out their evil plans. well, provide they all wear eyeglasses.
Step One: somehow gather all the evil people to Houston Texas on the muggiest day of the year. which consequently is all of the days of the year.
Step Two: invite them all out for lunch after it has rained heavily that morning.
Step Three: gather trusted friends and hide in the bushes.
Step Four: try not to giggle; it will give away our strategic position. i especially am prone to "suspense giggling".
Step Five: wait for the Evil Ones to pop out of their cars at the designated "lunch venue".
Step Six: as soon as the humidity has fogged up their respective eyewear, rendering them blind and useless in a fight, SPRING from the bushes with bloodcurdling screams, banshee yells, and pointy sticks.
Step Seven: stab/bludgeon the Evil Ones into submission.
Step Eight: head inside to have lunch with your triumphant yet blood-spattered comrades and celebrate your sweet sweet victory!!
Note: don't rush this plan. it is imperative that all of the environmental and ocular elements are in place before executing these steps. if not, if you attack Evil Ones that wear contact lenses instead of bifocals, then you may be in for the ass-beating of your life. plan carefully. execute gracefully. bludgeon wisely.
also. usually Life Lessons happen as follows. Life Decision >> What are my options? >> Choose one Option >> See Results >> Deal with Consequences, Good or Bad.
well, sometimes you just don't have the TIME to wait for all that to play out and you need to teach a Life Lesson right away. i had such a moment today.
i was about to give my darling son a bath, and my cat Mischief had decided that he was fascinated by the water in the tub and he wasn't going to get out of the way.
i decided he needed to instantly learn the Life Lesson that he doesn't need to "live" on the side of the tub when i'm trying to get my angel baby bathed and in bed at a reasonable hour. so.... i balanced the sweet darling on my hip, got on one foot, and used the other to violently nudge the cat into the bathwater.
i'm happy to report that it was 100% effective. my cat now understands that Ronin's bathtime does NOT equal Kitten Gets To Be Curious About Slash Own Everything time.
10 Reasons Why I Win Today:
1. i was watching Flight Of The Conchords and there were two chicks that looked familiar in one of the episodes. i correctly placed both of them. the blonde was an intern on the TV show Scrubs, the brunette was a drunken floozy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
2. i did not die today.
3. i was NOT the one who left the empty, flattened vodka bottle in the YMCA parking lot.
4. i'm definitely not a hermaphrodite. not that anything's wrong with that. but i'm sure it might be weird for my hubby if i was one... so... anatomy win?
5. i tricked my amazing offspring into eating his smooshed peas by mixing it in with his delicious rice cereal/milk this evening. Nutrition Win!!
6. i bought a bright neon yellow sports bra today. that way if i ever go hunting while i'm wearing it, and my shirt magically dissapates, i won't get shot because it's reflective.
7. my hubby did the dishes!!! I Get To Be A Lazy Bum win!!
8. the yogurt that i just ate is like crack. 20% of my daily fiber strawberry flavored crack. "i dunno why but today seems like it's going to be a great daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"....
9. i ate a slice of muenster cheese this morning. CALCIUM WIN!!! SUCK IT, SALLY FIELD!!!
10. it used to be that i wasn't able to see my feet when i was walking because of my MASSIVE Fetus-Infused belly. now i can't see my feet when i'm walking because of my MASSIVE Milk-Infused Fun Bags. hooray! Sexy Mama win!
today i went to the gym. *in a hauty voice* no biggie, burned like 5,000,000,000 calories, did enough sit-ups that it would make Chuck Norris cry from shame and envy. you know, the usual. i spent about an hour and a half twisting my body into perfected muscley steel. after i was done assaulting the equipment, i gathered my things and walked out into the TORRENTIAL rain towards my car....
... and there it was.
lying on the ground, empty, flattened, and all alone. the huge Vodka bottle.
at this point i stopped and had myself a little Ponder.
"a vodka bottle? in the middle of the parking lot of the YMCA? wow Georgia. what a classy place you are. so i guess somebody just got severely blitzed, stumbled out of their car, polished off the bottle of vodka, threw it on the ground and said 'alright. NOW i'm ready for my yoga class and water aerobics'. well, actually, maybe that sounds a little badass. hmm. i guess it's only badass if they pulled off going to spin class without puking during it"
so there you are; proof that the world is still a mystical and amazing place.
in other news, i have my husband back from Iraq. this explains why i haven't really been writing anything and why i've been slacking more than Lazy VonSlothington. i've been a tad busy.
also, i've devised a plan. i now know what i'm going to do to beat the Evil People of the World should they decided to take over and carry out their evil plans. well, provide they all wear eyeglasses.
Step One: somehow gather all the evil people to Houston Texas on the muggiest day of the year. which consequently is all of the days of the year.
Step Two: invite them all out for lunch after it has rained heavily that morning.
Step Three: gather trusted friends and hide in the bushes.
Step Four: try not to giggle; it will give away our strategic position. i especially am prone to "suspense giggling".
Step Five: wait for the Evil Ones to pop out of their cars at the designated "lunch venue".
Step Six: as soon as the humidity has fogged up their respective eyewear, rendering them blind and useless in a fight, SPRING from the bushes with bloodcurdling screams, banshee yells, and pointy sticks.
Step Seven: stab/bludgeon the Evil Ones into submission.
Step Eight: head inside to have lunch with your triumphant yet blood-spattered comrades and celebrate your sweet sweet victory!!
Note: don't rush this plan. it is imperative that all of the environmental and ocular elements are in place before executing these steps. if not, if you attack Evil Ones that wear contact lenses instead of bifocals, then you may be in for the ass-beating of your life. plan carefully. execute gracefully. bludgeon wisely.
also. usually Life Lessons happen as follows. Life Decision >> What are my options? >> Choose one Option >> See Results >> Deal with Consequences, Good or Bad.
well, sometimes you just don't have the TIME to wait for all that to play out and you need to teach a Life Lesson right away. i had such a moment today.
i was about to give my darling son a bath, and my cat Mischief had decided that he was fascinated by the water in the tub and he wasn't going to get out of the way.
i decided he needed to instantly learn the Life Lesson that he doesn't need to "live" on the side of the tub when i'm trying to get my angel baby bathed and in bed at a reasonable hour. so.... i balanced the sweet darling on my hip, got on one foot, and used the other to violently nudge the cat into the bathwater.
i'm happy to report that it was 100% effective. my cat now understands that Ronin's bathtime does NOT equal Kitten Gets To Be Curious About Slash Own Everything time.
10 Reasons Why I Win Today:
1. i was watching Flight Of The Conchords and there were two chicks that looked familiar in one of the episodes. i correctly placed both of them. the blonde was an intern on the TV show Scrubs, the brunette was a drunken floozy from Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
2. i did not die today.
3. i was NOT the one who left the empty, flattened vodka bottle in the YMCA parking lot.
4. i'm definitely not a hermaphrodite. not that anything's wrong with that. but i'm sure it might be weird for my hubby if i was one... so... anatomy win?
5. i tricked my amazing offspring into eating his smooshed peas by mixing it in with his delicious rice cereal/milk this evening. Nutrition Win!!
6. i bought a bright neon yellow sports bra today. that way if i ever go hunting while i'm wearing it, and my shirt magically dissapates, i won't get shot because it's reflective.
7. my hubby did the dishes!!! I Get To Be A Lazy Bum win!!
8. the yogurt that i just ate is like crack. 20% of my daily fiber strawberry flavored crack. "i dunno why but today seems like it's going to be a great daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay"....
9. i ate a slice of muenster cheese this morning. CALCIUM WIN!!! SUCK IT, SALLY FIELD!!!
10. it used to be that i wasn't able to see my feet when i was walking because of my MASSIVE Fetus-Infused belly. now i can't see my feet when i'm walking because of my MASSIVE Milk-Infused Fun Bags. hooray! Sexy Mama win!
Friday, July 30, 2010
i want a bronzed statue of Neil Patrick Harris
you know you're in Georgia when all the local television ads use either race cars or hillbillies holding dogs to sell you their products. sometimes they'll use some drawl slathered slang spittin' bimbo with a diastema a mile wide.
just really classy stuff.
you know every time i hear or say the word "ultimatum" i think "old tomato" which doesn't make any sense at all. why would one give someone an old tomato? old tomatoes are good for one thing and one thing only; placing it on your buddy's chair inconspicuously so that when they sit down there is a sickening squish and they are left with a souvenier on their pants to remind them of how much you love them.
so.... i just ran my hand through my hair and a bunch of it came out. i did it again to see if maybe the last run-through was just my hair's attempt to get rid of all it's rejects in one fell swoop, but about the same amount came out the second time too. i hope my husband is into shiny and pasty scalps cuz i'm certain that that's what he'll be coming home to.
note to self... google "rogaine for women".... and possibly "effects of miracle grow on scalp of cheapskate woman cuz i hear rogaine ain't cheap".
so my goal for today was to finish getting the house ready for my in-laws who are on their way here, and to paint my fingernails. i achieved 50% of my first goal... no. i don't like how that sounds. sounds too "power point presentation". let's try again.
i epically attained a half-fail at the housework. oh well. Mister If-You-Put-Me-Down-Today-I'll-Cry-At-You-With-Such-Tears-That-You'll-Feel-Like-You-Just-Killed-Your-Pet-Unicorn comes first.
i did get the clear base-coat successfully on my right thumb though. so, 4% win?
i have been prompted to talk about Twilight in tonight's post. and just for Ri-Ri (Auntie Favorite) "oh i could talk about thith for a thouthand rethetheth". what. to say. The Books; terrific. The Movies:... meh. why couldn't they have gotten someone else to play Bella and Edward? If i could pick a different actress to play Bella it would be... Rachel McAdams. i have a HUGE lady-crush on Rachel McAdams. she's cute, she's intelligent, and you can tell that she'd be able to play a clutz sooooo much better than whats-her-face. also... sorry Rob P. you'd be replaced too. and by whom??
NEIL PATRICK MUTHA-LOVIN' HARRIS.
i thank my lucky stars and charms that the great NPH decided to come back after his post-dougie howser hiatus. that man is comedic gold. he captured my heart, my diaphragm, and often the beverage spurting forth from my nostrils. my favorite works of his include the ever so funny Saturday Night Live sketches, his Cocaine laced character on Harold and Kumar do White Castle, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite - Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
those are my picks. what's that? what TEAM am i on? i am firmly Team Alice! that chick is hot. *sizzle sound*
ugh, i'm corny.
speaking of which. i definitely should NOT have eaten that entire pan of cornbread today. it was just so good... but now i'm paying for it. you think i would have learned from the Great CupCake Disaster of A Week Ago Or Something Like That. at least the eggs and milk are gone so i couldn't really bake anything even if i wanted to. hmm. maybe if i desperately wanted to... i mean the store is like, way over there.
and guess what? y'all get a BONUS ending segment today. You're welcome. Happy Friday.
A Few of Krista's Favorite Quotes:
1. If the Soul dances the body will follow
2. I want a shirt that says "you shot me with your butt".
3. So you're going to kill her? "just for a little while, i'll bring her right back; i promise".
4. Don't ask "can I", ask " I can"!!
5. My strong leg's name is Chuck Norris. My other leg could be a spatula for all I care.
Krista's Tip of the Day:
Drive with your foot out the window. this is the ONLY way to get full use and enjoyment out of your car. in order to optimize your experience, you should stretch beforehand if possible. it is also a good idea to Wear Cool Shades as well as Pump Up Da Jamz. if you follow these simple suggestions, you will soon find yourself enveloped in what i can only describe as a Joyous Blanket of Thrills, Danger, and Potential Traffic Tickets. the latter of which can often be avoided if you happen to be a cute little lady wearing a swimsuit and not much else on your way to the beach. but only if the cop is a young lad. if he's the crotchety old man that stops you the second time that same day once you are within 5 minutes of said beach, you may not be so lucky.
but seriously, let those little piggies fly.
just really classy stuff.
you know every time i hear or say the word "ultimatum" i think "old tomato" which doesn't make any sense at all. why would one give someone an old tomato? old tomatoes are good for one thing and one thing only; placing it on your buddy's chair inconspicuously so that when they sit down there is a sickening squish and they are left with a souvenier on their pants to remind them of how much you love them.
so.... i just ran my hand through my hair and a bunch of it came out. i did it again to see if maybe the last run-through was just my hair's attempt to get rid of all it's rejects in one fell swoop, but about the same amount came out the second time too. i hope my husband is into shiny and pasty scalps cuz i'm certain that that's what he'll be coming home to.
note to self... google "rogaine for women".... and possibly "effects of miracle grow on scalp of cheapskate woman cuz i hear rogaine ain't cheap".
so my goal for today was to finish getting the house ready for my in-laws who are on their way here, and to paint my fingernails. i achieved 50% of my first goal... no. i don't like how that sounds. sounds too "power point presentation". let's try again.
i epically attained a half-fail at the housework. oh well. Mister If-You-Put-Me-Down-Today-I'll-Cry-At-You-With-Such-Tears-That-You'll-Feel-Like-You-Just-Killed-Your-Pet-Unicorn comes first.
i did get the clear base-coat successfully on my right thumb though. so, 4% win?
i have been prompted to talk about Twilight in tonight's post. and just for Ri-Ri (Auntie Favorite) "oh i could talk about thith for a thouthand rethetheth". what. to say. The Books; terrific. The Movies:... meh. why couldn't they have gotten someone else to play Bella and Edward? If i could pick a different actress to play Bella it would be... Rachel McAdams. i have a HUGE lady-crush on Rachel McAdams. she's cute, she's intelligent, and you can tell that she'd be able to play a clutz sooooo much better than whats-her-face. also... sorry Rob P. you'd be replaced too. and by whom??
NEIL PATRICK MUTHA-LOVIN' HARRIS.
i thank my lucky stars and charms that the great NPH decided to come back after his post-dougie howser hiatus. that man is comedic gold. he captured my heart, my diaphragm, and often the beverage spurting forth from my nostrils. my favorite works of his include the ever so funny Saturday Night Live sketches, his Cocaine laced character on Harold and Kumar do White Castle, How I Met Your Mother, and my new favorite - Dr Horrible's Sing Along Blog.
those are my picks. what's that? what TEAM am i on? i am firmly Team Alice! that chick is hot. *sizzle sound*
ugh, i'm corny.
speaking of which. i definitely should NOT have eaten that entire pan of cornbread today. it was just so good... but now i'm paying for it. you think i would have learned from the Great CupCake Disaster of A Week Ago Or Something Like That. at least the eggs and milk are gone so i couldn't really bake anything even if i wanted to. hmm. maybe if i desperately wanted to... i mean the store is like, way over there.
and guess what? y'all get a BONUS ending segment today. You're welcome. Happy Friday.
A Few of Krista's Favorite Quotes:
1. If the Soul dances the body will follow
2. I want a shirt that says "you shot me with your butt".
3. So you're going to kill her? "just for a little while, i'll bring her right back; i promise".
4. Don't ask "can I", ask " I can"!!
5. My strong leg's name is Chuck Norris. My other leg could be a spatula for all I care.
Krista's Tip of the Day:
Drive with your foot out the window. this is the ONLY way to get full use and enjoyment out of your car. in order to optimize your experience, you should stretch beforehand if possible. it is also a good idea to Wear Cool Shades as well as Pump Up Da Jamz. if you follow these simple suggestions, you will soon find yourself enveloped in what i can only describe as a Joyous Blanket of Thrills, Danger, and Potential Traffic Tickets. the latter of which can often be avoided if you happen to be a cute little lady wearing a swimsuit and not much else on your way to the beach. but only if the cop is a young lad. if he's the crotchety old man that stops you the second time that same day once you are within 5 minutes of said beach, you may not be so lucky.
but seriously, let those little piggies fly.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
the gym; a bittersweet blend of shame, pain, sweat and hope.
my son (who is a delightful 5 month old that i breastfeed) has a new trick that he showed me today. my little man decided that from now on, when he eats, he needs to sing to me. it's very sweet. he'll be wolfin' down his milk, and after every other gulp he'll give me a few notes of his new hit single "mmmmMNMMMMNNNNmmnnnnn .... hoooommmnnnnnoooooommm....".
it's going to be an international hit.
i find that it's... a bit different going to the gym now that i've had a kid and my body/skin has been stretched wafer thin, packed with fat, rode hard and put away jiggly. i find that i have to give my self a pep-talk for the duration of my stay at the gym.
what's that you say? why of course ! i'd love to play back my inner monologue for you.
"alright. dropped off the Little Man at the nursery, time to hit the machines.
what to do, what to do.
if i get on the treadmills, then i'll have two rows of people staring at my jiggles...
if i get on the ellipticals i'll get a good workout and i'll only have...4, 5, six older men forced to stare at my butt.
ellipticals it is.
sheesh, so this is what it feels like to have a heart attack.
well at least i know my sweat glands work.
i can't imagine sweating all the time every day like that chick on that Discovery Health show that i saw today
ugh, i have soooo many rolls under this tank top... all a-fluttering.
hey, you had a BABY, cut yourself some slack.
and that feeling of having a near death experience? that's cuz you haven't done anything even remotely physical for the last 14 months. that's over a year, hon.
it's ok.
aww man. everyone is staring. i feel so gross.
well, i'm married. and i have a kid. who cares if everyone thinks i look like Sasquatch with a thyroid problem?
sigh*
looking forward to the day that i can suck in my stomach and it actually sucks in instead of just bunching up.
three situps. three. that's pretty pitiful.
no, no it's not! they SLICED through your abdominal muscles, remember? i was completely severed for a while there.
that's kind of weird, i'm laying on this bench and my love handles hurt. that's such a foreign feeling. pressure on extra tissue hurts. i wonder if it hurts for other overweight/out of shape people. do i have tumors there? maybe that's why the flab hurts when i lay on it...
man, Glee is an odd and complicated little show...
alright. now that i've sweat 8 pounds off, let's collect the Angel Child and go home.
someday you'll be hot enough to get the Good Stares at the gym again.
someday."
so. oh! hey! i figured it out: that's why people hate going to the gym if they're not already in shape!! I'm an analytical genius!
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. my muscles are sore = i actually had a good workout.
2. i got Ronin to take an hour long nap today, and whilst he slumbered i cleaned two bathrooms, the kitchen, did laundry and picked up things around the house. Responsibility Win!
3. i did not smush any baby bunnies today. not that i do on any other day, or that i ever really could have, but the fact remains that i didn't and that means i'm awesome. and not a baby bunny slaughterer.
4. Gatorade has dubbed dancing a "sport". hooray! it's official because Gatorade has all power and authority over all things physical! a bit after the fact, but now i can claim that at once in my life i was a bonafide athlete!
5. i double as a towel. Ronin just slathered my face with a handful of his warm wet slobber. best moisturizer ever. Suck It Neutrigena!
6. i used my catlike reflexes this morning to catch Ronin's spit-up before it hit the couch. Save!!
7. i still have MOST of the jar of Nutella left. and i've had it for a whole week now. no other jar of Nutella has ever lasted this long in my house.
8. even though Ronin Ninja Peed me today and ended the Dry Streak we'd been having; he had mercy on me by not forcing me to clean up after any Armageddon-Nuclear-Holocaust-Poo Diapers.
9. i got cut off in the parking lot by two females who then had the audacity to look over and laugh at me and i totally could have informed them of the error of their ways, but i decided to be classy, take the high-road, and not scream out " you whores!!". Maturity win!
10. only two more days until i'll be able to take a nap if/when i want to!!! i'm ridiculously irrationally excited about getting bonus sleep.
it's going to be an international hit.
i find that it's... a bit different going to the gym now that i've had a kid and my body/skin has been stretched wafer thin, packed with fat, rode hard and put away jiggly. i find that i have to give my self a pep-talk for the duration of my stay at the gym.
what's that you say? why of course ! i'd love to play back my inner monologue for you.
"alright. dropped off the Little Man at the nursery, time to hit the machines.
what to do, what to do.
if i get on the treadmills, then i'll have two rows of people staring at my jiggles...
if i get on the ellipticals i'll get a good workout and i'll only have...4, 5, six older men forced to stare at my butt.
ellipticals it is.
sheesh, so this is what it feels like to have a heart attack.
well at least i know my sweat glands work.
i can't imagine sweating all the time every day like that chick on that Discovery Health show that i saw today
ugh, i have soooo many rolls under this tank top... all a-fluttering.
hey, you had a BABY, cut yourself some slack.
and that feeling of having a near death experience? that's cuz you haven't done anything even remotely physical for the last 14 months. that's over a year, hon.
it's ok.
aww man. everyone is staring. i feel so gross.
well, i'm married. and i have a kid. who cares if everyone thinks i look like Sasquatch with a thyroid problem?
sigh*
looking forward to the day that i can suck in my stomach and it actually sucks in instead of just bunching up.
three situps. three. that's pretty pitiful.
no, no it's not! they SLICED through your abdominal muscles, remember? i was completely severed for a while there.
that's kind of weird, i'm laying on this bench and my love handles hurt. that's such a foreign feeling. pressure on extra tissue hurts. i wonder if it hurts for other overweight/out of shape people. do i have tumors there? maybe that's why the flab hurts when i lay on it...
man, Glee is an odd and complicated little show...
alright. now that i've sweat 8 pounds off, let's collect the Angel Child and go home.
someday you'll be hot enough to get the Good Stares at the gym again.
someday."
so. oh! hey! i figured it out: that's why people hate going to the gym if they're not already in shape!! I'm an analytical genius!
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. my muscles are sore = i actually had a good workout.
2. i got Ronin to take an hour long nap today, and whilst he slumbered i cleaned two bathrooms, the kitchen, did laundry and picked up things around the house. Responsibility Win!
3. i did not smush any baby bunnies today. not that i do on any other day, or that i ever really could have, but the fact remains that i didn't and that means i'm awesome. and not a baby bunny slaughterer.
4. Gatorade has dubbed dancing a "sport". hooray! it's official because Gatorade has all power and authority over all things physical! a bit after the fact, but now i can claim that at once in my life i was a bonafide athlete!
5. i double as a towel. Ronin just slathered my face with a handful of his warm wet slobber. best moisturizer ever. Suck It Neutrigena!
6. i used my catlike reflexes this morning to catch Ronin's spit-up before it hit the couch. Save!!
7. i still have MOST of the jar of Nutella left. and i've had it for a whole week now. no other jar of Nutella has ever lasted this long in my house.
8. even though Ronin Ninja Peed me today and ended the Dry Streak we'd been having; he had mercy on me by not forcing me to clean up after any Armageddon-Nuclear-Holocaust-Poo Diapers.
9. i got cut off in the parking lot by two females who then had the audacity to look over and laugh at me and i totally could have informed them of the error of their ways, but i decided to be classy, take the high-road, and not scream out " you whores!!". Maturity win!
10. only two more days until i'll be able to take a nap if/when i want to!!! i'm ridiculously irrationally excited about getting bonus sleep.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Huge Announcement of Success!!!
I now have 10 whole followers on Blogger!! Huzzah! I've finally achieved something. I officially have "done something with" my life.
also.
i shall soon be bald; my hair is falling out.
well as far as i can tell. i mean, i find it everywhere. on my bed, on my pillow, on my clothes, in Ronin's hands (because he pulls it out), everywhere.
i think i could rock being bald. although i do have some fairly gnarly scars. just give me some spray paint, a couple sheets of stickers, maybe some rhinestones and glue and i'm set.
speaking of scars, i sustained another brutal emotional scar yesterday.
i might have mentioned once or twice that lately my son's farts are like an Armageddon to my sense of smell, and yesterday was no exception. and i knew it was only a matter of time until the lethal flatulence would give way to disaster and i'd have to throw my Hazmat suit on and deal with a Nuclear-Poop-Holocaust-Diaper.
yesterday at 3pm he struck, and he shot to kill.
after several of what i naively assumed were "farts", i had decided to bring him upstairs and change his diaper. i unbuttoned his onsie and caught the haunting aroma of baby-stench and gave a little dry heave. it had leaked out the side of the diaper, all over his back and down his legs. (insert music from Psycho here)
the next 20 minutes was a blur of tears, flailing arms and legs, aggravated pleas as i tried to keep his fingers from grabbing all the nastiness, poo streaks everywhere, oodles and oodles of soiled wet wipes, and a triumphant 5 month old splashing about in the tub looking smug.
good times. this boy is so fun. he definitely takes after his daddy, The Destroyer.
example.
right now he's by my side on the couch and pulling the blanket over his face in an effort to smother himself.
and i, like the trained monkey i am, keep having to snatch it off of his face, which he thinks is HilARioUs. ah, what a fun life i lead!
even my cats are in rare form this week. at night, specifically after midnight when i'm done feeding them (throwback!) they turn into monsters that howl at the bedroom door where Ronin and i are trying to sleep. they cry louder and louder as they attempt to claw their way through the wood or dig their way under it through the carpet.
i've never had eggplant. i think i've reached the point in my life where i'm brave enough to try it.
bet you didn't see that one coming, didja?
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. I am not a hamster. therefore, I do not have to choose between a toaster, a cardboard box, a washing machine, and a Kia as my mode of transportation.
2. I lost another pound!! only (ugh) 19 more to go.
3. I still haven't made any apple cobbler. If I can just keep from baking then maybe I'll be able to get the rest of this baby weight off.
4. I did not turn into a hippie, a nazi, a facist, or a Jersey Shore Snookie character today. Ultra win.
5. I took a shower!! I even pushed back my cuticles! HYGIENE WIN!
6. I uploaded 51 new pictures of my perfect handsome son to my FB page. You're welcome, Earth.
7. I did half of a leg workout. In other words, Left Leg = Strong. Right Leg = ...meh.
8. I won at your MOM last night!! OOOOHhhhhh!! Sick Burn!
9. So You Think You Can Dance on TV + Not Being Blind + Not Being Deaf = a recipe for a sexy evening. Team Kent/Lauren!!!
10. I haven't been Ninja Peed on in a whole month!!!!!!!!!!
as always, thanks for stopping by. show the love; leave a comment, feel free to give suggestions/topics, come back any time. I love my readers!!
also.
i shall soon be bald; my hair is falling out.
well as far as i can tell. i mean, i find it everywhere. on my bed, on my pillow, on my clothes, in Ronin's hands (because he pulls it out), everywhere.
i think i could rock being bald. although i do have some fairly gnarly scars. just give me some spray paint, a couple sheets of stickers, maybe some rhinestones and glue and i'm set.
speaking of scars, i sustained another brutal emotional scar yesterday.
i might have mentioned once or twice that lately my son's farts are like an Armageddon to my sense of smell, and yesterday was no exception. and i knew it was only a matter of time until the lethal flatulence would give way to disaster and i'd have to throw my Hazmat suit on and deal with a Nuclear-Poop-Holocaust-Diaper.
yesterday at 3pm he struck, and he shot to kill.
after several of what i naively assumed were "farts", i had decided to bring him upstairs and change his diaper. i unbuttoned his onsie and caught the haunting aroma of baby-stench and gave a little dry heave. it had leaked out the side of the diaper, all over his back and down his legs. (insert music from Psycho here)
the next 20 minutes was a blur of tears, flailing arms and legs, aggravated pleas as i tried to keep his fingers from grabbing all the nastiness, poo streaks everywhere, oodles and oodles of soiled wet wipes, and a triumphant 5 month old splashing about in the tub looking smug.
good times. this boy is so fun. he definitely takes after his daddy, The Destroyer.
example.
right now he's by my side on the couch and pulling the blanket over his face in an effort to smother himself.
and i, like the trained monkey i am, keep having to snatch it off of his face, which he thinks is HilARioUs. ah, what a fun life i lead!
even my cats are in rare form this week. at night, specifically after midnight when i'm done feeding them (throwback!) they turn into monsters that howl at the bedroom door where Ronin and i are trying to sleep. they cry louder and louder as they attempt to claw their way through the wood or dig their way under it through the carpet.
i've never had eggplant. i think i've reached the point in my life where i'm brave enough to try it.
bet you didn't see that one coming, didja?
10 Reasons Why I Win At Life Today:
1. I am not a hamster. therefore, I do not have to choose between a toaster, a cardboard box, a washing machine, and a Kia as my mode of transportation.
2. I lost another pound!! only (ugh) 19 more to go.
3. I still haven't made any apple cobbler. If I can just keep from baking then maybe I'll be able to get the rest of this baby weight off.
4. I did not turn into a hippie, a nazi, a facist, or a Jersey Shore Snookie character today. Ultra win.
5. I took a shower!! I even pushed back my cuticles! HYGIENE WIN!
6. I uploaded 51 new pictures of my perfect handsome son to my FB page. You're welcome, Earth.
7. I did half of a leg workout. In other words, Left Leg = Strong. Right Leg = ...meh.
8. I won at your MOM last night!! OOOOHhhhhh!! Sick Burn!
9. So You Think You Can Dance on TV + Not Being Blind + Not Being Deaf = a recipe for a sexy evening. Team Kent/Lauren!!!
10. I haven't been Ninja Peed on in a whole month!!!!!!!!!!
as always, thanks for stopping by. show the love; leave a comment, feel free to give suggestions/topics, come back any time. I love my readers!!
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Dear Food Network,
You have done a beautiful thing; you have achieved an amazing sense of balance. Thank you for the last two hours of Amazing Cakes and Cupcake Wars, sprinkled with 20 second ads for Weight Watchers. You sure know how to keep my jiggly butt in check. Every time you go to commercial, and i get off of the couch to go start making an apple cobbler, I hear Jennifer Hudson talking about how she lost weight and how i can "be a winner too". So I hang my head, swallow my disappointment at the lack of sugar in my system, and begrudgingly leave the kitchen un-cobblered.
Gratefully,
Krista
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Where are you? We should DEFINITELY hang out more than we do now, which is never. I need someone to go to chick flicks with me and my girlfriends that can be a force to be reckoned with should we run into hooligans, who also won't be checking out my swollen Mama-Rack every 2 seconds. Also, let's go see Lady Gaga together; I have a HUGE lady-crush on her.
Love!
Krista
Dear Kitty Litter,
Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why on earth do you have to be so gross and disgusting? How many years have cats been domesticated now? That's right. Seventy billion. So why don't we have a non-smelly super hybrid variety of kitty litter? My son stinks the house up enough on his own, I REALLY don't need your help. Also, stop getting stuck to my cat's feet because giving my cats baths to get rid of their "poop feet" only results in pissed off kitties and the loss of several pints of my blood. And I need my blood. I made it myself.
Please stop sucking so much,
Krista
Dear Starbucks,
You have inspired me to find a new vocation in life. I am going to become a very specific kind of thief. One day I will don my black ski mask and black leather catsuit, caution to the wind, fashion sense be damned, and I will sneak into your store in the wee hours of the night and steal all of your delicious secrets to scrumptious coffee treats. Thank you for showing me a new path to follow and transforming me into a hardened criminal with a very specific goal. Motivation and direction are everything and I owe mine to you.
Sneakily,
Krista
Dear Vacuum Cleaner,
No. No sir.
~Krista
Dear 76 Year Old Man on America's Got Talent,
Dude. no one wants to see you strip. Specifically no one wants to see those pasties/tassels on your man-boobs. Now, the diaper under the mustard yellow boxers was a nice touch, and the knee brace endearing, but nobody is Ever ready for that much body hair. Especially if they are feeding their child, look up, see you and scream. Milk goes everywhere, the angel baby cries, and it takes 17 points off of the night's Relaxation Factor. Fix yo'self.
Sincerely,
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. my kid has ADD. i'm fairly certain of it.
2. i still want to make apple cobbler. take that Jennifer Hudson!
3. my readers are the absolute BEST.
4. nobody looks good in a unitard. well, maybe Uma Thurman, my alter ego and, somehow simultaneously, girlfriend.
5. i think that my bladder thinks i'm pregnant again. either that or i need to go on "old lady leaky pipe" medication.
6. olives are delicious. when i was little, i'd put them on the ends of my fingertips to eat them, and i'd drink the juice that they were packed in the can with. ok, maybe i was a bit of and odd child.
7. i also ate ketchup sandwiches. which is exactly what it sounds like. ketchup and bread. ok, so maybe we were a tad poor when i was a child.
8. this stupid storm is ruining my evening. i had big plans to..... ok i had no plans. Fine. keep raining and scaring my baby.
9. my cat knocked my ring off of the counter when i was washing my hands and it broke. FMLPSITAWNRA.
10. I WIN AT LIFE!!!!
You have done a beautiful thing; you have achieved an amazing sense of balance. Thank you for the last two hours of Amazing Cakes and Cupcake Wars, sprinkled with 20 second ads for Weight Watchers. You sure know how to keep my jiggly butt in check. Every time you go to commercial, and i get off of the couch to go start making an apple cobbler, I hear Jennifer Hudson talking about how she lost weight and how i can "be a winner too". So I hang my head, swallow my disappointment at the lack of sugar in my system, and begrudgingly leave the kitchen un-cobblered.
Gratefully,
Krista
Dear Gay Best Friend,
Where are you? We should DEFINITELY hang out more than we do now, which is never. I need someone to go to chick flicks with me and my girlfriends that can be a force to be reckoned with should we run into hooligans, who also won't be checking out my swollen Mama-Rack every 2 seconds. Also, let's go see Lady Gaga together; I have a HUGE lady-crush on her.
Love!
Krista
Dear Kitty Litter,
Uggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Why on earth do you have to be so gross and disgusting? How many years have cats been domesticated now? That's right. Seventy billion. So why don't we have a non-smelly super hybrid variety of kitty litter? My son stinks the house up enough on his own, I REALLY don't need your help. Also, stop getting stuck to my cat's feet because giving my cats baths to get rid of their "poop feet" only results in pissed off kitties and the loss of several pints of my blood. And I need my blood. I made it myself.
Please stop sucking so much,
Krista
Dear Starbucks,
You have inspired me to find a new vocation in life. I am going to become a very specific kind of thief. One day I will don my black ski mask and black leather catsuit, caution to the wind, fashion sense be damned, and I will sneak into your store in the wee hours of the night and steal all of your delicious secrets to scrumptious coffee treats. Thank you for showing me a new path to follow and transforming me into a hardened criminal with a very specific goal. Motivation and direction are everything and I owe mine to you.
Sneakily,
Krista
Dear Vacuum Cleaner,
No. No sir.
~Krista
Dear 76 Year Old Man on America's Got Talent,
Dude. no one wants to see you strip. Specifically no one wants to see those pasties/tassels on your man-boobs. Now, the diaper under the mustard yellow boxers was a nice touch, and the knee brace endearing, but nobody is Ever ready for that much body hair. Especially if they are feeding their child, look up, see you and scream. Milk goes everywhere, the angel baby cries, and it takes 17 points off of the night's Relaxation Factor. Fix yo'self.
Sincerely,
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. my kid has ADD. i'm fairly certain of it.
2. i still want to make apple cobbler. take that Jennifer Hudson!
3. my readers are the absolute BEST.
4. nobody looks good in a unitard. well, maybe Uma Thurman, my alter ego and, somehow simultaneously, girlfriend.
5. i think that my bladder thinks i'm pregnant again. either that or i need to go on "old lady leaky pipe" medication.
6. olives are delicious. when i was little, i'd put them on the ends of my fingertips to eat them, and i'd drink the juice that they were packed in the can with. ok, maybe i was a bit of and odd child.
7. i also ate ketchup sandwiches. which is exactly what it sounds like. ketchup and bread. ok, so maybe we were a tad poor when i was a child.
8. this stupid storm is ruining my evening. i had big plans to..... ok i had no plans. Fine. keep raining and scaring my baby.
9. my cat knocked my ring off of the counter when i was washing my hands and it broke. FMLPSITAWNRA.
10. I WIN AT LIFE!!!!
letters to random objects/nouns.
Dear Polka Dot,
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
how did you get your name? are you the official fabric print of the Polka Dance/Music scene? who decided that monotonous repitition of dime-sized circles would be a good idea and a fierce (to be said with a lisp) fashion statement? quite frankly, i've never understood your allure. your origins are unclear and puzzle me to no end. i don't even think that wikipedia knows where you came from. did you spring from Zeus's head too?
Quizzically,
Krista
Dear Ponder,
thanks for being my favorite word today. you always make me feel just a tad fancier when you come trickling out of my mouth. although, i often feel underdressed when i say you. you always seem to catch me in my mis-matched pajamas with extreme unintentional bedhead and bad breath when i feel like i should be wearing a tweed blazer, cropped riding pants and a monocle when i attempt to slip you into my conversations. please forgive my redneckedness. continue being awesome.
all the best,
Krista
Dear Ronin's Gastrointestinal System,
what the hell????? you produce the most disgusting blend of noxious gases that i have ever been unfortunate enough to be forced to inhale. i nearly puked twice today because of you. know that i am not mad; i simply just wish you would get out your scissors and cut me some slack. dear God do you know how to clear out a room. the only problem is that you're infused in my son and i cannot leave the room without him so i am doomed to be subjected to your foulness. however, if it's a choice between my angel child's farts and his full-body masking poop explosions, i'll take the farts hands down.
respectfully,
Krista
Dear cupcakes,
it had to end. i know that you love me, and that you'll always be there for me in case i decide to change my mind and fulfill my potential as well as the entire couch and transform myself into a 600 pound woman. i'm sorry for pushing you away and cheating on you with corn bread, but i have to do what i have to do; i need to take baby steps away from you and towards the multigrain-disgust-o bread that society tells me will make my bowel movements more regular and my pants slide more easily over my enlarged rump (because it will be less rotund). i didn't mean to hurt your feelings, or make you cry. i don't blame you for running back to your precious Soy Milk. he was always good to both of us.
tenderly,
Krista
Dear Bathroom Scale;
i know that you and i have had our differences, and that we've talked about this before, but i really expected some change by now. you have got to be the most stubborn piece of equipment that i have ever purchased. your days are numbered my friend. i don't need you. you're an enabler of my self loathing and a "luxury" albeit an unwelcome one and i won't hesitate to snatch you up and bitch-slap you into the dumpster if you don't shape up and show me what i want to see. you have toyed with my emotions for long enough and i demand a reformation or so help me Oprah i will see you made into scrap metal and then used for some homeless crazy guy's Alien Summoning Super Laser.
gauntlet thrown,
Krista
Dear VH1,
thanks for showing me that marathon of "you've been cut off you self-righteous princess" program today. you're right, i do feel better about myself. keep up the good work.
fondly,
Krista
Dear Downstairs bathroom,
how is it possible that you did NOT smell before i cleaned you, and now there's an odd urine smell hanging in your midst? am I in a parallel universe? have i become the victim of one of your classic practical jokes? dude, i thought we were bros.
what gives?
Krista
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. there is too such a thing as too much Nutella. i cannot divulge how much is too much, though, as we must all discover our limits. namaste.
2. i must guard my turkey deli meat slices more diligently. i nearly lost a dear comrade to my clever fuzzy food nemesis Mischief.
3. my left eye is lazy. it must be. my right eye is definitely trying harder at this whole "vision" thing cuz even with contacts while my right eye sees things spot-on, my left eye lets me see the world as if i'm peering through a pool of murky muck-sand-oil-water. come on Left Eye, get a job. no disrespect, TLC.
4. what do penguin feathers look like? i mean, do they have feathers? cuz in Happy Feet they looked all smooth and .... skin-y. i'd like a headdress made of penguin feathers. my birthday is coming up after all.
5. my birthday's coming up.... hmm. 26. i might as well be turning 40.
6. six thoughts is good enough tonight. i can't be expected to come up with 10 WHOLE thoughts every night. not with this much air circulating around my lobes.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
the pros and cons of getting high accidentally.
lots of kids in high school were into all kinds of things that society frowns upon. drugs, alcohol, ritualistic animal sacrifices, you know. typical rebellious teenage stuff.
not me. what was i into? dancing, music, and being naive.
and oh what a blissful life it was.
i only accidentally "got into drugs" twice as a teenager. i had two very very different experiences.
The Happy Feel Good Positive Side of Accidental Highs:
once upon a time when i was 16 or 17 or something like that my parents gave my younger sister and i the task of painting the walls of the lower story of their two story house. i can't speak for Savannah, but I was excited. i love to paint! earlier that summer i had painted my room light blue with sponge-painted white, fluffy clouds everywhere. also i may have spray painted my name on the bottom of one of the walls with inconspicuous purple glitter paint.
anyway. back to the story.
so we set off getting it done. first we painted the living room; a few blue walls, a few yellow walls... no problem. piece of cake. we had a great time. then we tackled the hallways and the stairs. we were several days into our painting project and it was at this point that our conversations took a turn for the weird.
as we were coating the walls of the entryway, we found ourselves discussing what kind of "inner tree" that we had. Savannah decided that she must have an Inner Banana Tree (obviously... Savannah Banana), but with an Inner Inner Coconute Tree (to account for the loopy and crazy aspects of her personality). And the Inner Inner Coconut Tree had decided that the Inner Banana Tree was its nemesis.
we decided that in lou of an Inner Tree, i must have an Inner Bush. an Inner Herbal Essences Bush. why you ask? well, it's a bush because of my diminuitive stature, and it was an Herbal Essences Bush because we had gone to the store for... something... and during our outing i had smelled some Herbal Essences body wash with a tad too much enthusiasm, and some of it had leapt out of the bottle and onto my shirt. my solution to the bottle's expression of jubilation was to try and rub the soap into the fabric of my shirt and hope nobody noticed. they noticed.
by about Day 8 of our Painting Adventure, we still hadn't figured out that we needed to open the windows for fresh air, and the Paint Fume Situation was becoming dire. we were on our last room, the computer/sewing room, and the work was crawling at a nearly immobile pace. the proverbial "fly on the wall" would have witnessed two teenage girls, splattered in pink and purple paint, slowly running paint rollers up and down the walls, giggling quietly to themselves over nothing at all.... like mad women.
the Painting Adventure ended with my sister, my bestie Jessica, Tash and i all piled in my car, paint on our legs, legs out our windows, rolling around town, singing waaaaaaaaaaay too loud to the popular boy band songs of the day, and attempting to walk through the drive through of the Jack-In-The-Box (TM) to no avail. there may or may not have been sparatic shouts about Skippy Peanut Butter (TM) and toilet paper as we drove too.
moral of the story; make sure to cra.... well, no. it was actually kind of fun. so if you're not too concerned about impairing a few brain cells, then keep the windows closed next time you paint. IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN!!!
The Frightening Near Death Experience Rendering Down-Side of Getting High Accidentally:
the day started off fairly uneventfully. i got up in the morning and my legs hurt really really bad. this was quasi normal for me, but i didn't have time to stretch and baby them so i went to the medicine cabinet. my mom usually took Excedrin (TM) for her headaches, so i figured if they worked for a headache, then they'd sure work for my excrutiatingly painful legs. so i took two.
insert forboding music here.
the night before i had made a strawberry cake for my bestie Ashley. i brought it to school, gingerly set it in my locker, and proceeded to my first period class; Health. irony.
during class, my legs were feeling better. life was good. all was right in the world.... and then... my stomach started feeling weird... and it felt like my pulse was elevated just a bit. something was... off.
at the end of class, Adam caught me at the door and walked with me to second period (with a pit stop to get Ashley's cake). i must have been looking pale because he asked what was wrong.
i didn't know... i just knew that i felt... funky.
i got to second period, english class, gave Ashley her cake, wished her happy birthday and sat down at my desk with my palms flat on the surface. class started. then about five minutes later Shit Got Weird.
i noticed that my right hand was... twitching, ever so slightly. this quickly escalated to a full on shake. then my left hand joined in.
Inner Monologue (IM): Holy Crap... that's kind of weird.
then both legs began shaking uncontrollably and my face went numb. tears started flowing down my cheeks for no discernable reason. i was really starting to freak out.
IM: OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IS-WRONG-WITH-ME-WHY-IS-MY-BODY-SEIZING-LIKE-THIS-OH-GOD-I'M-GONNA-DIE!
it was at this point that my friends and teacher took notice.
friends and teacher: Krista what's wrong? what's going on?
me: (laughing and crying and shaking like a salt shaker) I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW! HELP ME!!
Ashley and another girl got on either side of me to support me and started helping me down to the nurse's office. and thaaaaaaaaaaaat's when my legs went numb. they kind of just dragged me the rest of the way as i cried/laughed/convulsed.
at the nurse's office she started asking me what i'd been doing that morning and if i'd taken anything. i told her through my tears about the two excedrin. and then i promptly toppled over. my back had gone numb. oh joy.
the nurse laid me out on one of the beds so that i could flop about more comfortably. i was now only subject to the seizing and the water works as i was terrified that i might die and it wasn't funny. they called my dad to come pick me up. apparently since i didn't ever have caffeine i had overdosed. which makes sense considering that i had taken the equivalent of two whole coffee pots' worth of it .
anywho i got home, got over the shakes, got a HUGE BUZZ, cleaned the house, weeded, edged, weed-whacked and mowed the lawn.
i slept like a rock that night.
let's just say that i should never do Acid. or Meth. especially since this was just from CAFFEINE.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. i'm terrified of my first post-partum Period. i imagine it hiding in the bushes, ready to spring, just waiting for me to be wearing light colored pants and for me to get more than twenty minutes away from my house... the horror.
2. my kitten is either the most laid back kitten in the world, or she's dumber than a booger on the sidewalk because every time she gets near Ronin he pulls out a fistful of her fur and she just keeps coming back for more.
3. you should never throw your cheeseballs in a fit of rage. they are delicious and it's just a shame and a waste.
4. real crack is whack, but Emotional Crack? well i NEED my emotional crack.
5. i'm a first time mother. ergo i get a Free Pass To Be As Neurotic As I Want To Be.
6. normally urine and vomit = gross. but Baby Urine/Vomit? not so gross. in fact, it's sometimes cute, even funny.
7. sometimes a massage is a need and not a want.
8. my wedding ring has a drool/rice cereal/spit-up coating on it.
9. dude. i need a shower like whoa.
10. it bothers me when people confuse "breath" with "breathe" and "yeah" with "yay" and "yea".
not me. what was i into? dancing, music, and being naive.
and oh what a blissful life it was.
i only accidentally "got into drugs" twice as a teenager. i had two very very different experiences.
The Happy Feel Good Positive Side of Accidental Highs:
once upon a time when i was 16 or 17 or something like that my parents gave my younger sister and i the task of painting the walls of the lower story of their two story house. i can't speak for Savannah, but I was excited. i love to paint! earlier that summer i had painted my room light blue with sponge-painted white, fluffy clouds everywhere. also i may have spray painted my name on the bottom of one of the walls with inconspicuous purple glitter paint.
anyway. back to the story.
so we set off getting it done. first we painted the living room; a few blue walls, a few yellow walls... no problem. piece of cake. we had a great time. then we tackled the hallways and the stairs. we were several days into our painting project and it was at this point that our conversations took a turn for the weird.
as we were coating the walls of the entryway, we found ourselves discussing what kind of "inner tree" that we had. Savannah decided that she must have an Inner Banana Tree (obviously... Savannah Banana), but with an Inner Inner Coconute Tree (to account for the loopy and crazy aspects of her personality). And the Inner Inner Coconut Tree had decided that the Inner Banana Tree was its nemesis.
we decided that in lou of an Inner Tree, i must have an Inner Bush. an Inner Herbal Essences Bush. why you ask? well, it's a bush because of my diminuitive stature, and it was an Herbal Essences Bush because we had gone to the store for... something... and during our outing i had smelled some Herbal Essences body wash with a tad too much enthusiasm, and some of it had leapt out of the bottle and onto my shirt. my solution to the bottle's expression of jubilation was to try and rub the soap into the fabric of my shirt and hope nobody noticed. they noticed.
by about Day 8 of our Painting Adventure, we still hadn't figured out that we needed to open the windows for fresh air, and the Paint Fume Situation was becoming dire. we were on our last room, the computer/sewing room, and the work was crawling at a nearly immobile pace. the proverbial "fly on the wall" would have witnessed two teenage girls, splattered in pink and purple paint, slowly running paint rollers up and down the walls, giggling quietly to themselves over nothing at all.... like mad women.
the Painting Adventure ended with my sister, my bestie Jessica, Tash and i all piled in my car, paint on our legs, legs out our windows, rolling around town, singing waaaaaaaaaaay too loud to the popular boy band songs of the day, and attempting to walk through the drive through of the Jack-In-The-Box (TM) to no avail. there may or may not have been sparatic shouts about Skippy Peanut Butter (TM) and toilet paper as we drove too.
moral of the story; make sure to cra.... well, no. it was actually kind of fun. so if you're not too concerned about impairing a few brain cells, then keep the windows closed next time you paint. IT'S JUST SO MUCH FUN!!!
The Frightening Near Death Experience Rendering Down-Side of Getting High Accidentally:
the day started off fairly uneventfully. i got up in the morning and my legs hurt really really bad. this was quasi normal for me, but i didn't have time to stretch and baby them so i went to the medicine cabinet. my mom usually took Excedrin (TM) for her headaches, so i figured if they worked for a headache, then they'd sure work for my excrutiatingly painful legs. so i took two.
insert forboding music here.
the night before i had made a strawberry cake for my bestie Ashley. i brought it to school, gingerly set it in my locker, and proceeded to my first period class; Health. irony.
during class, my legs were feeling better. life was good. all was right in the world.... and then... my stomach started feeling weird... and it felt like my pulse was elevated just a bit. something was... off.
at the end of class, Adam caught me at the door and walked with me to second period (with a pit stop to get Ashley's cake). i must have been looking pale because he asked what was wrong.
i didn't know... i just knew that i felt... funky.
i got to second period, english class, gave Ashley her cake, wished her happy birthday and sat down at my desk with my palms flat on the surface. class started. then about five minutes later Shit Got Weird.
i noticed that my right hand was... twitching, ever so slightly. this quickly escalated to a full on shake. then my left hand joined in.
Inner Monologue (IM): Holy Crap... that's kind of weird.
then both legs began shaking uncontrollably and my face went numb. tears started flowing down my cheeks for no discernable reason. i was really starting to freak out.
IM: OH-MY-GOD-WHAT-IS-WRONG-WITH-ME-WHY-IS-MY-BODY-SEIZING-LIKE-THIS-OH-GOD-I'M-GONNA-DIE!
it was at this point that my friends and teacher took notice.
friends and teacher: Krista what's wrong? what's going on?
me: (laughing and crying and shaking like a salt shaker) I DON'T KNOW I DON'T KNOW! HELP ME!!
Ashley and another girl got on either side of me to support me and started helping me down to the nurse's office. and thaaaaaaaaaaaat's when my legs went numb. they kind of just dragged me the rest of the way as i cried/laughed/convulsed.
at the nurse's office she started asking me what i'd been doing that morning and if i'd taken anything. i told her through my tears about the two excedrin. and then i promptly toppled over. my back had gone numb. oh joy.
the nurse laid me out on one of the beds so that i could flop about more comfortably. i was now only subject to the seizing and the water works as i was terrified that i might die and it wasn't funny. they called my dad to come pick me up. apparently since i didn't ever have caffeine i had overdosed. which makes sense considering that i had taken the equivalent of two whole coffee pots' worth of it .
anywho i got home, got over the shakes, got a HUGE BUZZ, cleaned the house, weeded, edged, weed-whacked and mowed the lawn.
i slept like a rock that night.
let's just say that i should never do Acid. or Meth. especially since this was just from CAFFEINE.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
1. i'm terrified of my first post-partum Period. i imagine it hiding in the bushes, ready to spring, just waiting for me to be wearing light colored pants and for me to get more than twenty minutes away from my house... the horror.
2. my kitten is either the most laid back kitten in the world, or she's dumber than a booger on the sidewalk because every time she gets near Ronin he pulls out a fistful of her fur and she just keeps coming back for more.
3. you should never throw your cheeseballs in a fit of rage. they are delicious and it's just a shame and a waste.
4. real crack is whack, but Emotional Crack? well i NEED my emotional crack.
5. i'm a first time mother. ergo i get a Free Pass To Be As Neurotic As I Want To Be.
6. normally urine and vomit = gross. but Baby Urine/Vomit? not so gross. in fact, it's sometimes cute, even funny.
7. sometimes a massage is a need and not a want.
8. my wedding ring has a drool/rice cereal/spit-up coating on it.
9. dude. i need a shower like whoa.
10. it bothers me when people confuse "breath" with "breathe" and "yeah" with "yay" and "yea".
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Georgia wants me to be fat.
i've said it before and i'll say it again; Georgia is the most backwards state that i've ever had the displeasure of living in. it's like the entire state is hell-bent on reversing the evolution and growth of Man.
example.
Friday morning i went to the local YMCA to sign up. i gained a tad bit too much weight when i was pregnant (went from 126 lbs to 202 lbs.... oops. damn you taco bell!!) and i was really excited to get back to the gym and get rid of the JELL-O (tm) that still lurks beneath my surfaces and makes me all jibbly and gross.
yes, jibbly.
but i digress. i went, signed up, then figured i'd go home, feed my darling son, change into Sweatin' to the Oldies gear, then head back and get my burn on.
and it was a great plan up until i got back to the YMCA. i was informed that i was an hour too late for the nursery; they had closed at 1pm and didn't open back up until 4pm. no problem. i went home, played with my Slimeysaurus, fed/changed him, then at 4pm got everything ready to go back to the gym. nothing would stop me now!!
i opened up my front door.
monsoon.
flooding.
apocalyptic downpour.
and a touch of wind.
this is where i got discouraged. i closed the door, turned around, got the baby out of his bucket (car seat), and decided to try again in an hour if the rain let up.
it did.
so i did.
i FINALLY get to the gym, the nursery was open, dropped off the smiling angel child, and went and gave myself a good old fashioned whooping.
i sweat so much that if someone had collected it as it plummeted from my body, it would have been enough to drown a whale.
think about it.
the moral of the story is: the Universe and Georgia teamed up to try and keep me from losing my lard, but i gave them a spanking and came out victorious. though very very sore. perhaps i should not have tried to lose all the weight at once after doing next to nothing in the "exercise" department for 14 months.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
*a new segment in which i just purge my brain of the thoughts racing around so that i can go to sleep*
1. it's kind of creepy when a guy compliments my boobs, but it feels WONDERFUL when one of my girlfriends tells me that my rack looks awesome.
2. i'm kind of sad that i didn't have a wedding ceremony/reception. all girls deserve to feel like a beautiful princess on that special day and i just feel like an icky lumpy hag.
3. Sensual Amber soap by Bath & Body Works (TM) smells like an old lady, but i really like it anyway.
4. undercooked salmon + standing up for myself and sending it back = free chicken.
5. i think it's hilarious that it scares my son when i burp.
6. an Orange will now be referred to as a "more than Yellow, but less than Red".
7. i wonder if eating the stickers on fruit will cause cancer over time?
8. geez why have i been so farty today?
9. the Hostess at Chili's really need to keep her "stank eye" in check before she gets popped in da mouf.
10. i need to stop typing/laying on my boobs. i don't want another "milk explosion" like i had two nights ago.
example.
Friday morning i went to the local YMCA to sign up. i gained a tad bit too much weight when i was pregnant (went from 126 lbs to 202 lbs.... oops. damn you taco bell!!) and i was really excited to get back to the gym and get rid of the JELL-O (tm) that still lurks beneath my surfaces and makes me all jibbly and gross.
yes, jibbly.
but i digress. i went, signed up, then figured i'd go home, feed my darling son, change into Sweatin' to the Oldies gear, then head back and get my burn on.
and it was a great plan up until i got back to the YMCA. i was informed that i was an hour too late for the nursery; they had closed at 1pm and didn't open back up until 4pm. no problem. i went home, played with my Slimeysaurus, fed/changed him, then at 4pm got everything ready to go back to the gym. nothing would stop me now!!
i opened up my front door.
monsoon.
flooding.
apocalyptic downpour.
and a touch of wind.
this is where i got discouraged. i closed the door, turned around, got the baby out of his bucket (car seat), and decided to try again in an hour if the rain let up.
it did.
so i did.
i FINALLY get to the gym, the nursery was open, dropped off the smiling angel child, and went and gave myself a good old fashioned whooping.
i sweat so much that if someone had collected it as it plummeted from my body, it would have been enough to drown a whale.
think about it.
the moral of the story is: the Universe and Georgia teamed up to try and keep me from losing my lard, but i gave them a spanking and came out victorious. though very very sore. perhaps i should not have tried to lose all the weight at once after doing next to nothing in the "exercise" department for 14 months.
Krista's Bedtime Thoughts:
*a new segment in which i just purge my brain of the thoughts racing around so that i can go to sleep*
1. it's kind of creepy when a guy compliments my boobs, but it feels WONDERFUL when one of my girlfriends tells me that my rack looks awesome.
2. i'm kind of sad that i didn't have a wedding ceremony/reception. all girls deserve to feel like a beautiful princess on that special day and i just feel like an icky lumpy hag.
3. Sensual Amber soap by Bath & Body Works (TM) smells like an old lady, but i really like it anyway.
4. undercooked salmon + standing up for myself and sending it back = free chicken.
5. i think it's hilarious that it scares my son when i burp.
6. an Orange will now be referred to as a "more than Yellow, but less than Red".
7. i wonder if eating the stickers on fruit will cause cancer over time?
8. geez why have i been so farty today?
9. the Hostess at Chili's really need to keep her "stank eye" in check before she gets popped in da mouf.
10. i need to stop typing/laying on my boobs. i don't want another "milk explosion" like i had two nights ago.
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